Another layer of grief
 

Hi everyone! Hope the summer has been treating you well. I was doing great until I met someone a couple months ago that seems to really trigger me…

I couldn’t figure out why this person made me feel so badly about myself but I realized it’s because he’s such a stark contrast to my life. He gets to travel a lot for work, he’s really close to his family and he always seems to be doing something. When he tells me of his plans I get these awful pangs of jealousy… and when I look deeper into it it’s because I am still grieving the loss of my childhood and the family life that I never had.

It hurts so bad when I see people have lives that appear to have so much support. I can’t ignore that I don’t have much of a “built in” support system that these people seem to have… and it makes me feel very insecure because I don’t want new people to think there is something wrong with me when I tell them that I not close to any member of my family… at all. Not one.

It’s not the life I wanted and it is so very painful. This feeling definitely goes wayyy back and I am finally dealing with it now. The problem is that I don’t really know how… such a deep sense of loneliness and loss. It’s like I am flashing back to when I was a kid and neither of my parents were around. It’s kind of amazing actually that I was able to bury this feeling for so long. I really do feel like a kid again. It makes me even more sad to know that I was feeling like this as a child. I forgot how much I suffered a kid.

I just want to get through this already.

I am so sorry. I have a friend in a similar situation. It is really devastating to experience this trauma as a child and we do carry these experiences into adulthood. I think a lot of us just tuck the trauma away when we are younger because we are not equipped to deal with it.

Do you have some friends that you can lean on?

And remember, for a lot of people things look good on the outside but that isn't always the whole story. My life looked like a fairy tale from the outside and was really a nightmare.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers

Have you looked in to ACOA? I've found it to be extremely helpful.

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. I came from the polar opposite of where I grew up and still have a fairytale family chock full of support. While this is great in many ways, it also adds a layer of burden from expectations that the big family places. I am literally pulled in every direction from my family and expected to do everything for everyone. I love them very much but sometimes having a big and close family also can create some problems. Anything your going through the whole family will know about in 2 seconds - you have that many more people in your business and trying to please.

Again, I so appreciate having them in my life but please know that it's not as glamorous as it sounds. What people often talk of and display as happiness that we get envious of, have their own set of problems.

Expanding

I can very much relate to what you wrote above. I have no family either I totally get that feeling of loneliness. Holidays are the worst. I just dread the holidays

It's very hard to hear people talking about their wonderful families. Talking about plans with families. It's very difficult for me to deal with

I think if you met the right person (even if they had a lot of close family) who truly cared they would know this isn't your fault. They wouldn't hold it against you. They would include you in a healthy way with their family

I hope you find that person one day. I also hope I get that chance too

Not having family to help support us, is a very big challenge in life. I was taken advantage of by an addicted love one She knew I had no family

At least you are not alone. I am also living with this same problem & the insecurities it brings

Thanks

I get that, totally exp. I work through this crap with a psychologist. CBT. I work hard at it- being an emotional clutz. But I am healing.

Expanding-

I just wanted to share that recovery for me was bigger than the relationship that got me here. The relationship that got me here was the part of the ice burg you could see....there was a lot underneath that I needed some help with too.

My relationship with my exAH cracked open some old and dark places that needed to be cleaned out so they could heal.

It was terribly challenging in the moment and I had to make a lot of changes (and get a lot of support around it like therapy, body work etc). I am so happy though that I did.

It may not feel like it but you are healing....for me it was not linear or straightforward and it took WAY longer than I realized when I started.

It did help though, and it is the best present I ever gave myself.

For me the

I feel for you. I've very little family ..basically 3 sons, one I hardly see, and one daughter. My other 4 kids don't speak after life with exah. My mum died last year. I had a terrible childhood and protected my sisters from the worst of what went on but I just found out today one got married last week and didn't invite me. I saw the photos on a public post on facebook. All the family were there but me. I also worry what people think and have wondered at times if it's me. I do my best for people but it never seems to be enough. The same sisters text me saying they wouldn't have coped without me as children but they exclude me in hurtful ways.

Am pretty much alone too. No support network so when things go wrong it gets very tricky. I look after my autistic sons alone. I don't even know our neighbours to ask them for help as I live in flatland where people rent short term and move on. I've no answers to this. I am very independent but yes it is lonely. Am already dreading Christmas too. It's either do yet more voluntary work over Christmas...seems thats only time am wanted...or sit at home alone.

Yesterday I sat at a sporting event and watched partners bringing there wives drinks, stroking their hair and hugging them, wrapping them in blankets when they got cold and I realised I've never had that ever. My exah would have been propping up the bar. My exbf was being abusive to me at that point in time. I get the feeling like a lonely kid again cos that's how it made me feel too.

I know it doesn't help really but you are not alone feeling how you do xxx

I feel you pain. It's really tough without a solid support network. That is why I joined SR! The only solace I draw is from building my relationship with my kids, living a day at a time and not trying to think about the future too much. Journaling and being grateful for small things and reading "good books" which draw back emotions to childhood have been helpful understaing my emotions more. I have blogged on SR in previous posts that David Richo has written some great books in this space including "coming home to who you are"
There are people out there how do care - find them and draw on them including on-line community. Big hug Take care