SammiNZ

Hi there,
I really don't know what to do about my dad and after asking for some guidance google has found me SoberRecovery. I need some advice/support for dealing with my dad.
A brief summary of the last few years: He is a functioning alcoholic (I think that's the word for when they go to work each day?), but he is never angry or abusive (except I guess emotionally without intending to be) he is just completely absent and disinterested in my mum's and mine and my brothers lives. He has no hobbies or interests and not a friend in the world. But that has always been his personality so I don't think I can blame that on the alcohol. My mum left him last year and he completely fell apart (threatening suicide) and we got him into a private rehab clinic for 4 weeks (only with the promise of my mum going back to him after). About 6 weeks after leaving there, they closed down so he lost his support meetings and ended up drinking again.
Mum left again, another breakdown, and we felt so pushed into a corner that my mum took him back for fear that he wouldn't make it through the day. A week later, she realises she was manipulated and is planning to leave again at the weekend (when her rental becomes available and without telling him she is going). So I know what is coming our way and am so scared and have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do.
After last week, when he manipulated her into taking him back I was so angry I told him I didn't want to see him anymore (not that I see much of him anyway as he has no interest in my life). But suicide help forums say never leave them alone. I am a sensitive person and can't really cope with watching him in such a state and threatening suicide but I feel like I would be a terrible human being to know what he is going through and not be there for him. Other things I've read say that sometimes you need to cut contact as it is only then that the alcoholic may change. Please help me. Do I stay firm with not wanting to see him or do I try to be there for him. And if I am there for him, what do I do! I just feel I have given all I can give and now it needs to come from him to want to change, not just to go along with what people organise for him to keep them happy.
Any advice/support would be so gratefully received.
Thanks for listening
Sammi.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sammi, you sound very distressed, so take a few deep breaths and know that his mental health is not your responsibility. He has had every chance to stop drinking, and he hasn't taken them. Maybe when your mother came back he stopped trying.

Make a pact between you and your siblings and mother that if he threatens suicide you will immediately call 000 (not sure what your emergency number is in NZ) and tell the police. If he's bluffing he probably won't do it again, and if he's not you may save his life. You say your mother feels she was manipulated, so he's probably skilled at pushing the right buttons. If she's not listening, he's likely to start on you.

By all means cut contact with him if you can't cope, but don't do it in the expectation he'll change, because he probably won't. It's not your job to find him rehab; he's an adult and he knows how to do it himself.

How do your brothers feel about this?

Seren

Hello Sammi!

Welcome to SR...I am sorry you had to find us, though. You have come upon a great place for support

It sounds as though your Mom has reached the end of her rope and then some. I hope you understand that she is not responsible for being your Dad's savior, for getting him to stop drinking, to be his one and only reason for living. That is far too much to ask of any person. None of us should have the burden of being someone else's only happiness. Your Mom and your Dad both deserve peace and happiness, and that is something that comes from within.

I know you are worried. Many of us have been where you are now...just waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the case where someone is/has been threatening suicide, this bears repeating...

Your Dad does need help. But the slippery thing about alcoholism and addiction is that just sending someone to rehab multiple times is not going to get someone sober unless and until that person really wants sobriety more than anything else. And rehab is just the beginning of a lifelong journey of sobriety.

Stick close to SR. Talk and vent here all you need. You are now among a group of people who completely, and I mean completely, understand.

feebell

Hi Sammi

Welcome and sorry for what brings you here. I don't post or reply much but have used this site for over the last nearly 3 years and its been a blessing.

I was once in the same boat as yourself but with my mum. She was functioning until she wasn't, no friends either, threatened suicide as her attempt to manipulate also, but she never ever followed through on it. In the end I got fed up of my life revolving around her and put boundaries into place (one of the many things I learned from reading loads on SR) I would not engage with her if she had been drinking, not go out with her if she had been drinking and would not allow her into my home if she had been drinking, I started to live my life again. Soon my brothers and dad followed suit and let he get on with her daily binges, with no one left to run after her and take care of her she eventually hit her bottom by ending up in A&E with really bad ulcers and bleeding in her bowel, my dad called an ambulance and let them take her on her own to A&E, we did not go with her. This was her wake up call, she finally asked for help and I'm pleased to say she's been sober and recovering very well for the last 2.5 years. I feel as if I have my mum back, I'm so proud of all the hard work and effort she has put in to her recovery, as I know it was not easy to begin with and that she works hard everyday to maintain. She attends SMART recovery over here in the UK and has a whole group of friends, her social life is now a complete 360 of what is was, so nice to see her live again, have fun and go out to do her own thing with her friends. My mum and dad are still together and their relationship has blossomed again, its not ben easy but they both worked hard at it together.

Recovery can be achieved but only if the addict wants it. My mum did not want it to begin with as we, the family all ran around after her, shielding her from the consequences of her drinking binges. Once we stepped back, it took sometime but that's when the light started to shine through for her.

Unless your dad want's to recover then there is nothing you, your mum or brother can do for him, he will cry, scream and manipulate you all till he's blue in the face but in all honesty, let him suffer the actions of his drinking, let him feel the pain of his family not being there to pick up his pieces, its not your responsibility to save him, nor your mum's or brothers, but his.

My partner is in the police here in the UK and the day my mum text us all she was going to take her life I called him and he sent a police car to the house, she just about died with embarrassment when they turned up instead of all of us, she never tried it again, and she wasn't in any shape or form about to end her life, but sitting watching TV with a Vodka, they gave her a stern telling off! if you feel your dad is unsafe or in danger call the police, let them attend and deal with him , they will be more direct with him or if he does need further assistance they will ensure he gets it i.e. ambulance required etc.

Take care of you, seek help, I did and it was the best thing I done (counselling and al-anon). Read all you can in the stickes, I found these helped me loads and ill be forever grateful for stumbling across this site one early morning looking for answers, because in my eyes I found them.

Keep reading and coming back.

Fee x

maia1234

Sammi,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. There is a forum on sr about adult children of alcoholics. I am not sure how old you are but I think it would really hit home if you took a look on those pages.

I agree with the other posters, do not engage with an active addict. Hopefully one day he will see that he has nothing left. My axh has barely any relationship with his daughters, its truly sad, but part of the alcoholic progression. Alcohol first, family and friends last.

Go on and live your life. Love him from a distance; pray for him often. Hopefully before it is to late, he will find sobriety. Education is power, hit some meetings and help yourself, that is the only thing you can do. Hugs my friend, we all get it on this forum.

jaynie04

Sammi, I am so glad you found SR. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I know the fear, obligation and guilt that goes with that situation.

Your father is an adult, as such, he has the right to drink. You will read here , let go or be dragged. You can't fix your father, and your mother can't fix your father. I know how painful it is to watch someone make choices that are destructive. If your father chooses to drink that is his choice, but you are absolutely not required to stick around and pick up the pieces and mitigate the consequences, that is on him.

He has had a lot more opportunity that many people who are trying to get sober. My hunch is that as long as he knows he has a soft place to land he won't have any incentive. And yes, it does sound like he is manipulating all of you. One way to look at it is that it is actually respectful to allow him to make his own choices as a grown man.

The suicide threats are concerning, but most of us are not equipped to deal with these situations. I agree with the posters who have encouraged you to let the authorities handle him when these threats arise. You didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this. Your father needs to feel the impact of his choices, love him from a distance, but his choices have consequences and he needs to deal with those, not you.

I hope you stick around, there are many of us who have been where you are, and finding support for yourself is something that you can control and that you do deserve!

SammiNZ

Wow thank you so much for all of your lovely messages. It has made me feel so much better to feel like I have some support and words of encouragement. It has helped me to stay strong and know that my decision to cut ties is the right one, and when the feelings of guilt kick in I know I can re read your posts and find my strength again. Thank you lovely people, from the bottom of my heart.

Soapbubbles

Hi, you and I seem to be in a somewhat similar situation. My dad deals with alcohol abuse as well and I understand d how frustrating it is. I also understand wanting to stay by their side because part of you cares so much about them but the other part is tired of dealing with their problem.
I really want to help my dad but at the same time he needs to help himself, just as yours does. In the end it's only the addict that can take the first step in recovering. Nobody can do it for them, as upsetting as it is. You are not responsible for what he chooses to do with his life. You also need to think of yourself and what is best for you. If he is causing havoc in your life and your relationship is extremely toxic, Its best to just move on. I'm not sure if this helps at all but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.