My Stress Has Become Unbearable
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
My Stress Has Become Unbearable
I have been SO strong: finally kicking AXBF out of my home and my life, taking care of our newborn daughter with only occasional help from the grandmas, going back to work, AND taking a class to advance my salary.
But now, I'm unraveling.
I have, literally, stacks upon stacks of work to do for my job. I have assignments due for the class I'm taking. AXBF's father is coming from the midwest to visit my daughter this weekend. It is going to be absolutely awkward because I have a restraining order against AXBF. The hearing for the restraining order (and custody) is coming up on Wednesday. I don't have a lawyer (for several reasons, not for lack of trying) and I'm terrified.
As if this wasn't enough to deal with, my mother decided to post another picture of my daughter on her stupid effing Facebook page against my wishes. This is the fourth time she has made this "mistake." I told her that her lack of respect makes me feel like I can't trust her, and that's the last thing I need right now. Her response?
"I'm not going to answer that! I'm too angry and upset and crushed. I need a break from your stress. I'll see you on Wednesday for the hearing if you still trust me to watch your daughter."
WTF??? I am on the edge of a breakdown.
But now, I'm unraveling.
I have, literally, stacks upon stacks of work to do for my job. I have assignments due for the class I'm taking. AXBF's father is coming from the midwest to visit my daughter this weekend. It is going to be absolutely awkward because I have a restraining order against AXBF. The hearing for the restraining order (and custody) is coming up on Wednesday. I don't have a lawyer (for several reasons, not for lack of trying) and I'm terrified.
As if this wasn't enough to deal with, my mother decided to post another picture of my daughter on her stupid effing Facebook page against my wishes. This is the fourth time she has made this "mistake." I told her that her lack of respect makes me feel like I can't trust her, and that's the last thing I need right now. Her response?
"I'm not going to answer that! I'm too angry and upset and crushed. I need a break from your stress. I'll see you on Wednesday for the hearing if you still trust me to watch your daughter."
WTF??? I am on the edge of a breakdown.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SavedHer....can you take a week of emergency medical leave?
I don't know your reason for not wanting your mother to post pictures of your daughter.....lol...I see grandmother's doing that a lot!......
It would be smart to pick your fights...because you need grandmothers who can babysit, a lot!
Can you ask the boyfriend's father to postpone the visit for a while....or, just make it a very brief one? Are you on good terms with him? Can you tell him what is going on? As a single parent...I know that extended family is valuable and good relations (IF POSSIBLE) with grandparents is a blessing for the child, down the road.....
When a person is overextended, as you certainly are, it is important to trim the extra load wherever you can.....
I have been there...so, that is why I am so bold in saying this.....
I don't know your reason for not wanting your mother to post pictures of your daughter.....lol...I see grandmother's doing that a lot!......
It would be smart to pick your fights...because you need grandmothers who can babysit, a lot!
Can you ask the boyfriend's father to postpone the visit for a while....or, just make it a very brief one? Are you on good terms with him? Can you tell him what is going on? As a single parent...I know that extended family is valuable and good relations (IF POSSIBLE) with grandparents is a blessing for the child, down the road.....
When a person is overextended, as you certainly are, it is important to trim the extra load wherever you can.....
I have been there...so, that is why I am so bold in saying this.....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello SaveHer, you certainly do have much going on!
Maybe there is some way you can prioritize some of these tasks? Which one of all of these tasks do you think has the most "wiggle room"? It could be asking for a one-week extension on the class assignments or on the work assignments. Perhaps have your ex's father come and play with the baby at your place while you get something done that you need to do?
As for your Mom, I do understand your not wanting anyone to post pictures of your daughter. I used to never think anything of posting pictures of my (now late) husband and the grands on FB until a read quite a bit about on-line security. Now, I would never post a picture of my grands without talking to my stepdaughter first and obtaining her permission.
Your mother may be so happy and proud about this new grandbaby that she truly doesn't think before posting. Yes, you are stressed and lashed out at her...in return, she responded in a defensive and hurt manner. Perhaps, if it happens again, just ask that she remove the photos. You accomplish the security you need for your children and she won't respond defensively.
I am sending tons of cyber support for the week coming up! Deep breaths, prioritize where you can. Wishing and hoping for the best possible outcome at court!! Hang in there
Maybe there is some way you can prioritize some of these tasks? Which one of all of these tasks do you think has the most "wiggle room"? It could be asking for a one-week extension on the class assignments or on the work assignments. Perhaps have your ex's father come and play with the baby at your place while you get something done that you need to do?
As for your Mom, I do understand your not wanting anyone to post pictures of your daughter. I used to never think anything of posting pictures of my (now late) husband and the grands on FB until a read quite a bit about on-line security. Now, I would never post a picture of my grands without talking to my stepdaughter first and obtaining her permission.
Your mother may be so happy and proud about this new grandbaby that she truly doesn't think before posting. Yes, you are stressed and lashed out at her...in return, she responded in a defensive and hurt manner. Perhaps, if it happens again, just ask that she remove the photos. You accomplish the security you need for your children and she won't respond defensively.
I am sending tons of cyber support for the week coming up! Deep breaths, prioritize where you can. Wishing and hoping for the best possible outcome at court!! Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sh,
Hon so glad you are posting, there is so much support here. Step back and Breath!!!
You need to take one moment at a time, as you are a mom and you can do anything you set your mind to do.
First off, "father in law" is not the dad. Good for you for giving him a chance to see the baby. Tell him if he takes pix, you don't want them posted anywhere. If you find them on the web, you will restrict contact.
Second mom is not respecting your wishes, we don't post pix by mistake. Your mother is doing what she wants. I cut ties with my mother for 6 months, because she never heard what I said to her . She would not stop telling me about axh after 2.5 years post divorce. I finally couldn't take it, and cut her out of my life. I just recently started contact with her and she has "changed" and is finally doing what I asked. Per my therapist and support groups, these people are toxic to us if we don't stick up for ourselves.
Thirdly, can you just put bring the baby to court and not ask mom to help with her, she is an infant and shouldnt be much trouble.
You can do this!! You are working on getting the abusive people out of your life and bettering yourself to show your child who you are in life. Hang in there my friend, we are here for you.
Hon so glad you are posting, there is so much support here. Step back and Breath!!!
You need to take one moment at a time, as you are a mom and you can do anything you set your mind to do.
First off, "father in law" is not the dad. Good for you for giving him a chance to see the baby. Tell him if he takes pix, you don't want them posted anywhere. If you find them on the web, you will restrict contact.
Second mom is not respecting your wishes, we don't post pix by mistake. Your mother is doing what she wants. I cut ties with my mother for 6 months, because she never heard what I said to her . She would not stop telling me about axh after 2.5 years post divorce. I finally couldn't take it, and cut her out of my life. I just recently started contact with her and she has "changed" and is finally doing what I asked. Per my therapist and support groups, these people are toxic to us if we don't stick up for ourselves.
Thirdly, can you just put bring the baby to court and not ask mom to help with her, she is an infant and shouldnt be much trouble.
You can do this!! You are working on getting the abusive people out of your life and bettering yourself to show your child who you are in life. Hang in there my friend, we are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Thank you for your suggestions. Unfortunately, time off from work is not possible because I just came back from maternity leave, which drained my sick leave.
As for my mother, although I know choosing my battles is wise because I need her help with the baby, she continues to show no respect for the boundaries I set. This is exactly what AXBF used to do: break a boundary and then try to make me feel bad about it. She's angry? She's upset? Such a victim! And the fact that she would do this AGAIN a week before my hearing... and then complain about how MY stress is affecting HER!!!!!
I really, really, really want to confront her. But I don't think it's wise with the hearing looming. Is this drama that's going to suck my focus away from what is important or should I try to nip this in the bud?
As for my mother, although I know choosing my battles is wise because I need her help with the baby, she continues to show no respect for the boundaries I set. This is exactly what AXBF used to do: break a boundary and then try to make me feel bad about it. She's angry? She's upset? Such a victim! And the fact that she would do this AGAIN a week before my hearing... and then complain about how MY stress is affecting HER!!!!!
I really, really, really want to confront her. But I don't think it's wise with the hearing looming. Is this drama that's going to suck my focus away from what is important or should I try to nip this in the bud?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
How do you post a picture of a baby on Facebook by mistake? If you've told your mother "please don't put pictures of my kid on your Facebook page" and she keeps doing it, either she has difficulty understanding straightforward English sentences or she's trying to get a reaction from you ("angry and upset and crushed" suggests the latter - very drama-queen).
I don't know the particulars of your situation, but from what I've read here it sounds like Don't Feed the Beast would be appropriate - don't give your mother the emotional response she wants. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
I don't know the particulars of your situation, but from what I've read here it sounds like Don't Feed the Beast would be appropriate - don't give your mother the emotional response she wants. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I do not know the history you have with your mother, but if it is reflective of a larger pattern of behavior then you absolutely have a right to be annoyed and angry.
Can things be posted by mistake? Well, no. But speaking as someone who is on the low end of the Adult ADD spectrum, conversations do slip my mind. So do birthdays, meetings, doctors appointments, etc. I am not at all saying this is who she is. She may be the most self-centered person on the planet for all that I know. Or...she may be a bit like me. Someone who means absolutely no harm, but is occasionally feckless.
But I digress...
Do you think there is some give in your coursework if you talk to your professors? I spent a great deal of time in academia and had to make arrangements to turn assignments in late when my former FIL passed and when my ex husband had open heart surgery. I hope you will have a moment to speak with or email them.
During those times, I just had to try to do the best I could and let the rest go.
Sending you tons of strength and prayers for peace!
Can things be posted by mistake? Well, no. But speaking as someone who is on the low end of the Adult ADD spectrum, conversations do slip my mind. So do birthdays, meetings, doctors appointments, etc. I am not at all saying this is who she is. She may be the most self-centered person on the planet for all that I know. Or...she may be a bit like me. Someone who means absolutely no harm, but is occasionally feckless.
But I digress...
Do you think there is some give in your coursework if you talk to your professors? I spent a great deal of time in academia and had to make arrangements to turn assignments in late when my former FIL passed and when my ex husband had open heart surgery. I hope you will have a moment to speak with or email them.
During those times, I just had to try to do the best I could and let the rest go.
Sending you tons of strength and prayers for peace!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You need to decide on picking your battles with mom. Obviously mom is over bearing and you can't "stop" her from doing what she wants to do. She has typical alcoholic tendencies with turning the tables around when you confront her. At this point, you are to exhausted to engage with her, as you would probably be wrong anyway.
You have to decide if you need her enough and want to keep engaging. She in my mind is toxic to you. She is almost more stress then help. Mom's shouldn't be that way, but sometimes they are. Mine has totally backed off on all her "opinions", but you never know when she will appear again.
Sending hugs to you!!
You have to decide if you need her enough and want to keep engaging. She in my mind is toxic to you. She is almost more stress then help. Mom's shouldn't be that way, but sometimes they are. Mine has totally backed off on all her "opinions", but you never know when she will appear again.
Sending hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You are going to be good...
...and you'll pick your battles with mom until you don't need her for child care any more. The battle with her is one that can wait and just live with the infant photos until then.
It's clear you've identified, too, that your mom's passive aggressive and "entitled to ignore your boundaries" attitude may have been a life long factor that contributed to you being where you are right now. First him, then her.
First things first, and you can handle anything for one day!
Good luck!
C-
It's clear you've identified, too, that your mom's passive aggressive and "entitled to ignore your boundaries" attitude may have been a life long factor that contributed to you being where you are right now. First him, then her.
First things first, and you can handle anything for one day!
Good luck!
C-
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
Save her- for me this looks like you need to take a step back. Each of the things your shared are separate- the ex, the ex's dad, the baby, the study, your mum. It is not one big issue..it is lots of small issues- which all need to be looked at as a separate than the others approach.
Example- when I went into this recovery/safe housing program I set out 5 goals/issues- my health (physical from major burns, mental- PTSD and depression), how I would learn/grow in my understanding of my ex's geelings..as divorce starting, a safe place to live, my recovery.
I need help and support to do this. All still wheels in motions, but making progress. Support to you.
Example- when I went into this recovery/safe housing program I set out 5 goals/issues- my health (physical from major burns, mental- PTSD and depression), how I would learn/grow in my understanding of my ex's geelings..as divorce starting, a safe place to live, my recovery.
I need help and support to do this. All still wheels in motions, but making progress. Support to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
You're all right--as usual. I just need to take a deep breath (or two or three or four hundred) and take this one day at a time, one thing at a time.
Mom texted me today, not to apologize, of course, but to check and see if I'm still coming to visit on Sunday. Um, no. She certainly is the star in her own movie, isn't she? The rest of us are all just minor cast and characters. From now on, I'm just going to grow a thicker skin and pick my battles. I don't really have a choice.
By some miracle--thank you universe!--my best friend was off work today. She met me down at the courthouse so I could observe a few dvro cases while she watched my daughter. I feel a lot less anxious now that I got a glimpse of how it all works and how surprisingly informal the proceedings are.
Now I just need to gather my evidence and figure out what I'm asking for, which is apparently the first question the judge asks at these things. I already know I'm asking for the judge to reconsider the move out, no contact, and mandatory drug/alcohol counseling and anger management classes orders.These were all originally denied. Should I go big and ask for an extension of the dvro for one year (which seems unnecessary and probably won't be granted)? Or be conservative and ask for it to be extended until a permanent decision is reached regarding custody (about six weeks)? Or is there some other option I'm missing?
I know you're not lawyers. I just thought maybe some of you have been through this. And any other advice to help me win this would be amazing!
Mom texted me today, not to apologize, of course, but to check and see if I'm still coming to visit on Sunday. Um, no. She certainly is the star in her own movie, isn't she? The rest of us are all just minor cast and characters. From now on, I'm just going to grow a thicker skin and pick my battles. I don't really have a choice.
By some miracle--thank you universe!--my best friend was off work today. She met me down at the courthouse so I could observe a few dvro cases while she watched my daughter. I feel a lot less anxious now that I got a glimpse of how it all works and how surprisingly informal the proceedings are.
Now I just need to gather my evidence and figure out what I'm asking for, which is apparently the first question the judge asks at these things. I already know I'm asking for the judge to reconsider the move out, no contact, and mandatory drug/alcohol counseling and anger management classes orders.These were all originally denied. Should I go big and ask for an extension of the dvro for one year (which seems unnecessary and probably won't be granted)? Or be conservative and ask for it to be extended until a permanent decision is reached regarding custody (about six weeks)? Or is there some other option I'm missing?
I know you're not lawyers. I just thought maybe some of you have been through this. And any other advice to help me win this would be amazing!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry, SH, my lawyer-brain is not at its best right now. Given the limited info available, I'd suggest asking for the most you feel you can ask for that will make you feel safest. Think about each element separately, realizing the court might grant one kind of relief and deny another. Don't try to craft any complicated solutions, no matter how brilliant--the court can do that if so inclined. Just set out your arguments for why you need each thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by SaveHer 
This is the fourth time she has made this "mistake."
Anybody who keeps repeating a "mistake", isn't making mistakes, they are making choices.
That goes for everybody, about everything!
Your kid, your rules. No matter how much you need your mother's help with childminding right now, what you need more is someone who respects you and your right to make choices for your daughter.
Giving and getting respect in EVERY relationship is extremely important. Please don't set a bad example for your daughter by settling for less than you deserve from anybody!
I had to limit my kids from seeing my mum years ago. Not because she did anything wrong, but because my brother lived at her house and HE did plenty of things wrong.... She made the choice to harbor that person in her home, I didn't want my kids exposed to him and so she had to live with the consequenses of her choice. She didn't like it, and as a matter of fact was very upset about it... but as their parent I made the choice that was right for MY kids just like she felt she was making the right choice for her ( although grown-ass, emphasis on ass) son as well.
As important as Grandmas are , they are not the Mommies. You don't have to let her bulldoze you.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Here's a quote to sum up in one simple sentence what others have said about the picture posting "by accident": Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern.
I recently stumbled across this quote and saved it in my recovery folder. I believe it applies to pretty much everything and everyone.
I recently stumbled across this quote and saved it in my recovery folder. I believe it applies to pretty much everything and everyone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I'm on a 36-hour countdown to the hearing. I decided to ask for the dvro to be extended until a permanent custody order is in place. This seems sufficient (barring any other surprise visits or harassment from AXBF). Wish me luck!
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