qtpi

DS hasn't spoken to me since I left my XAH last year. Reaching out to him has been fruitless. He did send me one text in April saying he would call when he has the time. I now realize he only did that because in his new job where we both work he would eventually run into me, and he could just say, "I will call you.."

I entered a hallway and he was maybe eight feet away from me. It was midnight and we were alone. I said, "Hola,"
he looked at me and entered a single person bathroom to his right, saying nothing.
I went right to the door, knocked and said , Open the door.
ME: I want you to have a relationship with your father but the way you are treating me is not okay. ( I had been practicing this and I was calm and collected.)
DS: This is a professional place and not the place to discuss this. ( obviously he had been practicing too)
ME: When are we going to discuss it?
DS: I just want you to get away from me. ( this was said with so much fear in his eyes- that I have never seen before, ever- and I raised him)
ME: The way you are treating me is not okay. and you know it.

I turned and walked away.

Really practicing live and let live. I have cried many times. I have tried to make things better with DD. We have a shaky but cordial relationship- I have stopped asking her what is wrong and what I can do to make things better- she will not answer me.

So I am letting go and letting God on both of my kids. This is the most serene I have felt so far. I am surprised at this - but letting go of them helps. At least I was able to say what I said to DS. And I have friends, family, coworkers, and bandmates who are surrounding me with love and all treat me kindly and with respect. I have not received love, understanding, and consideration from my children, except in tiny measured doses from DD. Yes someday, I hope that can change.

I was surprised at the terror I saw in his eyes. I am wondering if XAH is telling them I am deranged, making threats against him and them, or some other nonsense. I just don't understand why he is terrified of me.

dandylion

qtpi.....I am glad that you feel a modicum better....(if not great). As a mother, I understand how you feel.
Just today, I heard that Donald Trump's son refused to speak to him for a full year, after his parents split....and, obviously, they were able to bridge the gap, somehow. (This is not to bring politics into this thread--only to make a point about family relationships)....
Who knows what things their father may be telling them. Years after my divorce from my children's father...(they were very young at the time)...they told me some of the things that he told them...complete and total lies! I cried to think that they believed some of those things to be true for those many years!
In my case, since they were young adults when they told me what he had said...I was able to discuss the details with them and to correct the lies with the truth....Fortunately, they had gotten to really know their father....so, they believed me.....
However..if they had been older when we divorced...I can see where it might have gone in a different direction.....
qtpi...I think this happens a lot in divorce with older children.... they feel compelled to take sides... at least, at first....
I do believe that the truth always bubbles to the surface...even if it takes a while...
I also know that if they lived you when they were six...they will still love you, down deep...it doesn't go away....
As I have quoted to you, many times., the saying that my grandmother often repeated..."Leave them alone, and they will come home, wagging their tails behind them"....
I am glad that you are trying not to torture yourself with this, so much....I think that this is definitely a let go and let God situation......

LexieCat

I'm sorry for the way he treated you, but you handled it EXACTLY the right way, IMO. You didn't hunt him down, you ran into him. You didn't do some over-the-top wailing or hugging--you simply calmly stated that the way he was treating you was out of line.

I still have a very strong feeling he will eventually come around. The "terror" you saw was probably just his own panic at the inevitable encounter.

You did PERFECT. Big hugs, mom--I hope he comes around soon, but either way you can hold your head up with dignity.

FeelingGreat

Congratulations on behaving with dignity. No wonder he felt scared, and guilty I hope.

hopeful4

I agree with Lexie. I would say the terror you are seeing is likely his own fear of confrontation with you, and as he said, handling that in a professional place of business.

I think you did the right thing, and at this point, you pray for them, and for yourself, and be very patient. Sometimes it takes a while to see who a person really is, and it may take him some time w/his dad.

Big hugs!

Bekindalways

This sounds so painful qtpi.

I have lost relationships with siblings and that was hard. With a child, it must be so much more difficult!!

Big hug and so glad you have a support system.