back2thegoodME

Sunday drunken night, live-in ABF screams many times for me to leave him or go F someone else so he can leave me. Monday morning he either forgot his comments or chooses to ignore them since "he doesnt mean it", like he always says. Its Wednesday, I have barely been speaking with him or looking at him and it doesnt even phase him. I am trying to disconnect and focus on my own health.

honeypig

You've posted that you "don't even like him." Why are you still living with him? Why struggle to "disconnect and focus on your own health" rather than pulling up stakes and moving on to your own (better) life? What benefits do you gain by remaining there?

This is an unhealthy, unhappy way to live, ESPECIALLY if you're trying to stay sober yourself. What kind of support do you have for yourself--AA? Alanon? Therapy?

Again, I see you've been around SR for 2 years now, although with long gaps between some of your posts, so I assume you've done a fair amount of reading and are not exactly in the dark about alcoholism, codependence and so on...however, if it IS information you need, SR and the stickies are a great source of it, not to mention AA and Alanon.

If you care to explain your situation and why you feel you can't or won't leave when you're clearly being treated poorly, you'll almost certainly get useful input from our crew here in F&F.

back2thegoodME

I guess I have been hoping it will get better? and I blame myself for a lot of it. For when I get upset about things which makes him upset. He is a pro at ignoring things while I am hurt for days. It used to be about loneliness, but I am now feeling I would rather being alone than live like this. Good days can quickly turn to bad days when drinking is involved.

FallenAngelina

If I may be so bold - you're actually not focused on healthy thinking (judging from what you've written,) you're engaging in passive aggressive silent treatment. Every single time that I have been so mad that I couldn't speak to my partner, I have been in great pain - not anywhere near truly disconnecting and focusing on health. Your words say semi-positive things, but do you authentically feel positive?

Im not sure if you're in Al-Anon, but the program really helps me to stay focused on my own behavior and feelings. I'm constantly amazed to learn about how very much I have contributed to every situation I've been in. And it's teaching me to let go of analyzing others' behaviors and people who are not contributing to my well being.

honeypig

Amen! You'll get no argument from me on THAT!

Hoping it will get better, just magically on its own? Sobriety and recovery are hard work. Is he doing ANYTHING AT ALL to indicate he's interested in those things? B/c you should know from your own experience that recovery doesn't just happen, it has to be worked for every single day.

Again, you should know this is not true if you've been active in any recovery program for your own drinking. Did anyone else MAKE you drink? No? I thought not...and he is no different.

You are not the only one to come to that realization at some point in your relationship w/an A. It is far, far less lonesome to be happy on your own, living your own life, than to wait and wish and hope for things to be different than they are in your relationship.

You are NOT chained to him. You are the one who can set you free.

BlownOne

Getting out from under will change your perspective on things, and I would wager, for the better. Do you have anything to lose? Sounds to me like the only thing you're going to be leaving behind is misery and chaos.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Bekindalways

Hi Back2thegoodme, sounds like you have been in a rough situation for awhile. It must be soul sucking.

Leaving my qualifier was the hardest thing I ever did and the absolutely best thing.

Take whatever is the next right step to get to wherever you want to be.

Let us know how it is going.

NYCDoglvr

The only way you can force an alcoholic to drink is to tie him down and pour it down his throat. Do you trust and respect him? If not, what are you doing with him?

SimplyE

The more I read threads like this the more it strengthens me. I left, it was right for me. It was hell to leave but hell to stay. There seemed to be no good answer. Right now at this moment I have hope again. Like honeypig said you are not chained (though I remember I felt I was) and you are the only one who can set you free. And like Bekindalways said 'Leaving my qualifier was the hardest thing I ever did and the absolutely best thing." It seems today I would have to say the same thing. Hugs to you all

atalose

So, when he tells you he loves you and he is sorry............does he mean it? cause his actions don't match the words.

Its funny how we can minimize the bad hurtful words with "they don't mean it, they were drunk/high". YET we hold on for dear life to the loving words they spew while minimizing the real actions that don't match.

WhiteFeathers

I think it's possible she's not being passive aggressive. My feeling is she is trying to rationalize the verbal abuse, but it is not rational.

My feeling is she has probably tried to discuss alcoholic abusive rants with her bf in the past, only to be gaslighted with something like "whatever. I didn't say that." or "Why are you so sensitive about stupid stuff I say when I'm drunk." or worse.

So now she just retreats into her own private hell unsure of what to say, how to respond, how to act...

I could be projecting, because this is what it looked like in my house after my AH went on a rage.

OP: Girl, this is no way to live.