darkling

I just want to share more info about myself/my situation cuz I have the feeling I'm gonna be hangin' out for a while. Don't really need any input - except maybe a reminder to BREATHE?

In 9 days, I went from walking on air that my R?AH was going to be released from prison early, only to come crashing down to face the new reality that instead, me and my 2 purr-balls will soon be living in a dark, dark basement instead of a window-filled duplex.

My R?AH is finishing up a prison sentence for his umpteenth DUI. I told him that this was his last chance. Mess up again . . .
[Our 25th anniversary was last month. He's been sober for the majority of that - til about 6 yrs ago. I love him more than ever.]

He was s'posed to parole to home this week. Got drunk/high last week. Yes, in prison. I only know that much cuz his Parole Officer was s'posed to come to the house last Friday morning and make sure me and it exist - but she called and canceled. Legally, she can't tell me anything. But she knows R?AH and me - she dropped enough key words that I know what's up.

A friend came and took me to an AA meeting that night. She's the only one I've confided this to. It hasn't even really sunk in yet and I really don't want to deal with people's questions and judgments. Not right now. I told her that I wasn't going to be able to keep the duplex, it's just too much for my disability check to handle. She said "Hey! You could move in with me and [my 15yo daughter]! I didn't know how serious she was, but it took a big load off my mind anyway.

Yesterday morning, I called his PO and told her he cannot parole to my address, which means he can't parole at all. But his sentence is finished the end of August and he'll be released then.

I knew he'd be "in the hole" until yesterday at least - but when I got home from a meeting last night, I just got really worried. We've been together for 25 years - I know he's beating himself up pretty bad with guilt, remorse and everything else we alcoholics do - I know he's depressed and suicidal. I knew I was going to worry myself sick about it.

So I called the prison and talked to one of the Corrections Officers. They can't legally tell me any details either - but they can listen. The CO was able to tell me that R?AH is already under 24/7 observation, which is what I wanted them to do. I thanked him and hung up. That's a lot of growth for me - to know I cannot do a darned thing and give it to someone who can.

My friend and I co-chair an AA meeting on Monday nights and I asked her if she was serious about me and my 2 purr-balls moving in? Yep! Very.

So the cats and I won't be homeless. YAY.
But we'll be in a basement with one tiny egress window. My cats have practically been glued to our 6 windows their entire 3 years of life. This place is arranged for them,. I just kinda share their space.

If I move in with my friend, it's got to be a commitment - NOT just for a few months. She's going thru a divorce and isn't going to be able to keep the house - that she built - without some financial help - like someone paying rent.

No, I won't be totally exiled to the basement, but the cats might be - for one thing she's got 4 dogs and a dog door. I'm terrified the cats would get outside - oh yeah - and the giant husky puppy's kind of a worry too. The cats are prob'ly bigger than the weiner-dogs, so no worries there . . .

I can not rent from anyone else besides her and my current AA/friend landlord's duplex [just trust me on that one] and I can't afford the duplex.

I know my friend and I and our animals will get this figured out. We don't have much choice right now. I know the purr-balls and I will be just fine. R?AH Hunny prob'ly will be too.

and I know that when he's released in 40 days, I'm just going to want to melt in his arms and be US again. Hell, I wanna do that right now! Much as I hate it, I know that'd be the worst thing I could do - for either of us.

I've never been a "room-mate" before. IDK how to do this. Food? Space? Cooking? Cleaning? A teenager?!

I'm just numb. I'm looking at all of this and shaking my head in total disbelief.

Thanks for letting me just dump some of this.

AnvilheadII

well my goodness.....the minute you think you can depend on an addict........

while the change in your residence doesn't sound OPTIMAL, the Universe has seen to it to provide you and the kitties with an option. (i have a dear friend right now, also with two cats, and trying desperately to find a new place that she can afford).

this new arrangement would be beneficial to you both - which is a win/win. will it be a dramatic change? yes. will you not only survive but thrive? of course you will.

oh yeah......remember to BREATHE!!!!

Ariesagain

Sending you an enormous hug...that's so much to deal with all at once. You know you can handle it and as long as the kitties have you, they usually roll with it pretty well.

But I get it, I really do. Sending you another hug.

darkling

After my last post, my computer went belly-up on me and my landlord decided that I needed to be out 2 weeks earlier than I'd planned on. It's been pretty hectic. The people who were going to help at the end of the month aren't available in the middle of the month. Thank goodness for all of the RA's my soon-to-be RA room-mate know!

Trying to get everything sorted, packed, stored, donated, sold . . . this weekend is the actual load the truck part.

Just wanted to say that I'm really still here in heart and mind at least. Hopefully back posting/reading in a couple weeks. I'm so physically exhausted, I may have to sleep two weeks instead of just the one that I have planned.

See y'all soon!