herky

My ex AGF dumped me after almost 3 years in a relationship and I'm struggling to move forward, I know time heals all but feel like i'll always be wondering what went wrong and have so many questions I want answers to, here is my story I'd appreciate any advice.

I met my ex a charity event and we hit it off almost immediately. Everything on paper was great and our interests/ hobbies/ etc. all matched it was as if someone put her into my life to show me why the others i dated never worked. For the first year and a half things were great (secretly she was drinking everyday and hiding it from very well). We got our own place, talked about children/ marriage, and just had the most amazing year and half of my life (I had never been happier). A year and half in i found her one day throwing up and found out that she was bulimic and hid it from me for fear that I would leave her. I of course did not leave her and stayed with her but eventually the Bulimia was not enough and she started getting very drunk and blacking out... I spoke with her family and found out she also had an alcohol problem which she hid from me, I should have seen the signs but she was a very good (at times) functioning alcoholic and I wanted to see past that because I really had never felt the love for someone that i felt for her.

Over the course of the next year she was in and out of PHP, IOP, and 30 day programs both in state and on the west coast. We remained in contact with the goal that when she was out we would be healthy and continue the life we both enjoyed so much. After her relapsing and not taking the first few rehabs seriously i begin to grow tired and angry of her not wanting to get better, I thought to myself "Why is she doing this?" we were a power couple, same religion, likes/ dislikes, goals, aspirations...

Right before it went real bad she called me from her latest rehab where she was using and said she missed me and wanted to see me. She bought a plane ticket home and I took off work to pick her up and spend my last day with her. She was literally withdrawing in my arms and shaking all night (a sight i cant shake) and woke up the next day and we had the most amazing day... like all the pain from before didn't matter. I had a vacation planned with my Dad the following day and needed to say goodbye to her and she was going to stay with her uncle for a few days until she went to different 90 day program. She ended up checking into a hotel and going on a 10 day binder all while calling me during my vacation to which point i tried to motivate her to go to rehab and how I would be there for her. Eventually after 10 days she ended up leaving to rehab and I never saw her again... and here's where it gets interesting...

In her new program she had minimal contact for the first 30 days (she was only allowed 2 calls a week). After she stepped down she began hanging out with her new rehab crowd which was mostly guys. She assured me that everyone was just friends but i could nthelp but get jealous that while i was working and just wanting to talk to her / talk about our future she was out cliff diving, hiking, and just on what seemed like a fantasy mini vacation. I learned during this time that i had become dependent on her and had stopped having fun/ enjoying life because I was constantly just wanting her to come back. All my friends are married/ getting married and had things not gone south she would have a ring on her finger, I couldn't fathom spending my life with anyone else... I wanted to believe that if you loved someone you would stick through it with the thick and thin.

After about 15 days into her new program (45 days sober total) she messaged me saying she had a breakthrough during the weekend and didn't want to come home anymore (after rehab) and didn't want to be together for awhile. So after 2.5 years i was dumped via text and also found out that one of the guys she went hiking/ cliff diving with had kissed her and she was interested in 'seeing what was there'. She told me things like "all i said is i need space, i understand if that means 'breaking up' in your mind" or "I'm heartbroken i never wanted you gone i just wanted some time apart".

After begging and pleading for a day or 2 I decided to give her what she wanted and here's what happened...

2 days after she deletes me off facebook and puts up a pic of her and her new bf (also in rehab) and is already in a relationship.

I'm pissed and like an idiot still follow her on snapchat and see that she looks a my stories as soon as i post them and she herself is posting things of them kissing or holding hands... things she never did when we were together...

It's now been about 45 days no contact and she is about to "graduate" her 90 day program tomorrow. I initially was going to send her a "congrats I'm proud of you" message but before I did i wanted to look at her facebook with a friends account that was still friends with her. Found out that she is posting pics/ messages with this guy calling him her "best friend" and just posting all these soppy messages and getting a million likes from her friends...

I feel so betrayed , I was with this girl for 2.5 years... it took time and real (not this fantasy rehab) situations to have her be my 'best friend' ... hell she never even used the expression best friend until we started calling each other that after deep conversations... and now after 45 days of im sure spending all day/ night with this guy/ her group she can so easily just drop all existence of me and move on with her new 'best friend'.

I also found out from looking at her profile that shes planning on moving to a city that her and i wanted to move to out west (coincidentally the home state of her new bf) but hasnt told me anything....

She just recently broke no contact after 45 days and thanked me for sending back one of possessions she loaned me and said "she appreciated it"... i was so tempted to respond back but didn't and thank god.

I don't know what to do, her 90th day being sober is tomorrow and I feel so crumby... Like i was there for her all through her recovery and within 45 days shes meeting someone new, graduating, and moving out to his state... I've read that in the long run they wont probably work and that i shouldn't wait around however it just seems like she is doing everything that i always wanted and now that shes healthy wants nothing to do with me...

I'm scared shes going to contact me soon and even though i know all what she will tell me through facebook/ other channels its going to hurt real bad... I want to ask her why she is doing this? How can she call someone a best friend after 45 or 60 days together.... I know shes sees this person everyday but its freakin REHAB, its this sheltered environment where you are completely open and connect with people really intensely because everyone is going through the same "rebirth"... I want to ask her why our life wasnt good enough if you simply took away the alcohol... She had a good job (which she technically still has since shes on a long medical leave), lots of friends (even rehab friends from the ones she met while doing programs in our hometown, her family.... and now shes moving to a different state with this guy.... This just seems like an alternate universe that I cant explain and im trying to make sense of this all while running through all the scenarios in my head of if she will call and what she will say or how i should respond...

Apologize for the long rant I just feel like my story is different from ones ive read on these forums and wanted to get others take / advice... I know the answer is No Contact/ Move On but i feel cheated... like shes pretending to be this honest person who is a stand up citizen all while ******* the only person who stood by her (yes i know alot was co/ dependency). I feel like I'm going to get a "I'm sorry my feelings have changed, I never meant to hurt you" but that's not good enough... why does she get off that easy... why am I the one wondering why now that shes sober does she not want to come back... She'd rather start completely over after just graduating from a program to date a guy she met in rehab who has no degree/ job, no money... where as she can come back to a job, come back to a support system, not have to be alone... she keeps quoting this dumb insanity quote how 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result'... how about she try not drinking and live the life she spent her whole life building rather than move away, date some guy who obviously doesn't have his personal life together (let alone the same addiction as her). I know I sound pathetic keeping on this rant I'm just at a loss, I cant figure this out or what to do next... its like this will always be in the back of my mind wondering what went wrong and what could have been.

doggonecarl

I went through a similar heartache when my fiance and love of my life broke off the engagement. I was pathetic, wanting to know why, wondering what I did and what I could have done differently. Questions that had no answers. After about 6 months I got so sick of my state of mind, that I was able to drop the torch I had been carrying for this woman. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it get better? Yes. And in hindsight I realize I put more importance on the relationship than she did. So she was only the love of my life in my head...not hers.

P.S. I did find the love of my life ten years later. Married her. Been married for almost 8 years. So glad I didn't marry the fantasy I had been carrying around for previous GF.

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome. while i know your story feels so unique and strange, you are NOT alone. there are many versions of the story - committed partner goes thru hell's fire and back to try and HELP the addict, addict finally goes off to rehab and WAH LAH, new partner, new life, and ain't it all just grand?

it's stunning and brutally unfair. AND it's what some addicts do.

she brought her issues with her into your relationship - for a time she kept them hidden from you. so at no time was she being honest and transparent. what she did do a good job of was appearing to be what you wanted. mimicking and mirroring your interests, passions and beliefs.

then the wheels started to fall off. it's hard to keep it all under wraps while maintaining a false image.

please know, she is not currently HEALTHY. she may be abstaining from drugs or alcohol AT THE MOMENT, but she is not behaving or conducting herself as a healthy person would. people in early recovery shouldn't be allowed to make decisions outside of what socks to wear a lot of time. the rehab romance is a bit akin to survivors sharing a life raft, sharing a "special" bond. it's all chemical reactions and neurons and new awareness.

but where does all that leave you? hurting and healing. to the best of your ability begin to make peace with things.....the time you had together was a part of your life, one chapter. there will be many many more.

Irnldy001

Hi Herky.
Firstly, my empathy goes to you. What a tough long road to go down. It sounds like you were a lovely partner for her.
If you are asking any of us to tell you how you could have changed anything to change the outcome, the answer will be a resounding NO.
It's hard for the partners of alcoholics to come to the conclusion that at no point did they ever have the power to steer the relationship.
You weren't in a relationship with just a girl. You were in a relationship with an addiction and a mental health issue. If you believe sane thinking could have gotten the two of you to a better place, I'm sorry to tell you it never has and is unlikely to ever do.
We alcoholics can be charming - though disingenuous while actively using . We say and do what is needed at the time to get us to the next hour, day, drink, etc..
I can only speak for myself, but it sounds like your ex shares some tendencies with a few of us. Early sobriety is a really WEIRD time. Suddenly all the guilt, shame, anger, you name it, is circling in our brains non stop. Flashbacks of every horrific thing you can remember - I had ongoing flashes of humiliations I perpetrated on social media. Car accidents I was in (not drunk, but horribly hungover). I wanted to shut my known world out because I had caused so much damage to it.
It was just all too much to have to handle. AA helped me slowly navigate through the wreckage. But the instinct to cling on to new people was heavily there. I was pretty quiet around those I knew well, and those who had seen me at my worst.
I felt comfortable and free with my new AA buds (none of the opposite sex, my recovery stuck to a traditional model where females are matched to other females to avoid entanglements and distractions).
I did not leave my husband/family to join up with my AA buddies, but I can see how it might happen if you really want to shut down all reminders of the past.
What I would say is that it's a sign of early sobriety, and by no means the sign of a stable person in recovery. It's impulsive, it's poorly thought out, and it has the fatal flaw that most alcoholics, myself included, fall prey to. It's a simple formula "Wherever you go, there you are". Which simply put means that going to a new locale with a new lover may feel good for a while, but eventually it is you - the same you - that you have to wake up with every day. And if he/she is not dealt with it will ultimately consume new relationships as well.
Instead of wondering about her, how about wondering about you? Did you continue to think you had a future? And how? She never showed you any solid sobriety, commitment, nothing. At those stages, we make horrific partners. We cause pain to those around us. We don't consider the feelings of others.
Focus on yourself. You sound like a lovely person. You sound young, and as though you have a lot going for you. You need time to grieve this loss, and al-anon/counselling may be of great benefit to you. Both to process this relationship and to learn what future boundaries you need to set up before you let someone into your heart again. And it does sound as though you need some firm boundaries before you enter into anything again.
I think the no contact is for the best. It may seem hard, but I would recommend cutting all of her social media off. It's a link that keeps you tied to her. It will feel awful at first, but I promise, a few weeks of not being stung after looking her up will eventually feel heaven sent. The only person who can give you freedom is you - and you deserve it.
Best wishes

Maudcat

Hi, herky. Welcome
Yes, no contact.
Mourn the relationship.
Feel sad, mad, and bad.
But...move on, as she has.
Rehab romances are not uncommon. Whether it will last is anyone's guess.
Also not uncommon for the partner who has been left to feel let down and angry, having been with the drinker during the bad times, then cut off from, presumably, the good times now to come.
Fact is, social media is not the true barometer of what is going on in her life.
It's all happy pics, unicorns and rainbows.
I would suggest complete no contact, delete from social media, and work toward your own healing.
My opinion only, but there is a darkness there, manifested by the drinking and bulimia, which she concealed from you, btw, that can only mean continuing relationship problems.
I think maybe you have dodged a bullet here.
Good luck.

atalose

I agree with everything already said, sadly it’s not a unique story and no she’s not healthy she’s just alcohol free at the moment.

Because there are so many more deeper issues then the alcohol/drugs with addicts. The alcohol doesn’t make her an alcoholic, the need for her to escape reality does.

Not sure why you think she might contact you soon but one of the best tools we have is No Contact, block her from that ability on all devices.

Sasha1972

Don't take social media as an indicator of what is actually going on. Especially for someone who is recently out of rehab, the pressure to "prove" to her friends, family etc that everything is great, she's building a whole new life, she's a new person, she's got this super new relationship, etc. She gets to choose what she puts on facebook, so of course it will be sunsets and happy unicorns, to show the world that rehab "worked". The reality may be very different (and six months from now, the sunshine and unicorns may be all gone).

Dumping someone via text is just tacky, and hooking up in rehab is a big no-no, in part because the "high" of hooking up and finding the latest love of your life is not that different from the "high" of grabbing that bottle of booze or that crack pipe. It's still chasing a high.

The odds that her new relationship will last are pretty small. But even if it doesn't last, you now know things about what kind of person she is that you didn't know before. She is not who you hoped she was.

I am sure this hurts like hell and it is really unfair. Time will help but, well, time takes time.

herky

Thanks everyone for all the feedback, its really helping in a very stressful time.

I know it shouldn't matter just the way we ended things she made it seem like she was really clear headed for the first time although her personality seemed cold like there was no love in her voice anymore that I had wronged her so much according to her "she wasn't sure if she could get over the hurt of the past"...

She left it between us 45 days ago saying"she needed time" and "would be in contact"... is her posting to snapchat or social media the contact? Letting me know shes moved on... why is she breaking NC after 45 days of her dumping me and texting me thanking me for returning an item that i mailed to her mom's house... Is she trying to be genuine ?... breadcrumb? She looks at my snapchat still ... is this curiosity? I know it doesn't matter, who cares right... just drop her... i guess this is my sickness... why cant I let go without knowing...

As sad as it is I'm almost wanting her to call and tell me shes moving and say the words "there's no chance". With all the talk of her "needing time" / "not wanting me gone" I know the writing is on the wall but i want her to say it and have it be forever and stop leading me on with the glimmer of hope... why text me to be nice and thank me for returning something?... I mean you break up with me via text, cheat, date another guy in rehab.... suddenly now you want to be nice... as if none of that mattered and you're magically a good/ decent person.

I mean, am I correct that if she is really working the program how can she "make amends" after shes still engaging in this behavior/ relationship... I was thinking (obsessing) she has to be close to step 9 (i guess i really have no idea) and she would be in contact to make amends with me of all people... I know there's no guarantee but you would think after 2.5 years with someone you would want to make it right after they literally drove you to all your rehabs/ airports, and stuck with you through the thick and thin and basically treated you like a wife/ family minus actually being it.

What do I want to even get out of it... I dont know... Answers... Deep down I know that whatever she says will never satisfy the hurt shes put me through but man I would love for her to just be real with me... the situation is what it is but i just cant believe a human being can just do that to someone else and pretend to only look forward and that their whole past life is dead and there's no point dwelling because shes in the present now and its unicorns and sunshine.

I realize I should probably take that advice and move on and live in the present and time / NC will help... this is just messed up. Self Pity/ Rant Over.. Thank You everyone for the feedback / support much appreciated.

Maudcat

Good luck, herky. This will take time.
Be well and take care of yourself.

AnvilheadII

two concepts loved ones/codependents grasp at regarding THE alcoholic/addicts recovery:

1) Hitting Bottom - they are sure that they know what events will surely be the motivating factor - perhaps it's job loss or a hospital stay or a DUI.

2). Amends - they are also hoping/planning for when the recovering person flies thru the steps and gets to Step Nine and they will finally get their apology.

both of the above experiences belong to the OTHER PERSON. no one knows what will bring about the spiritual awakening, if there even is one, or that moment when the addict says UNCLE, enough, i give, i'll do whatever it takes now.

not everyone who attends 12 step programs on the outside, gets all the way thru the 12 steps (this group often relapses and claims the program doesn't work.....) much less gets past step 3 (the dreaded Higher Power step). even in a controlled environment such as a treatment center, the initial stepwork is likely to be pretty high level, more like cliff notes and when it comes to the amends list they are likely to be considering the more grave offenses or some of the deep dark secrets they've withheld.

surely you've heard "I'm sorry" from her a few times? did it really mean much? change anything? she can't wrap this up all nice and tidy FOR you. you'll have to find a way to finish the chapter and bring the story to a conclusion.

atalose

It sounds to me like she is chasing her next high! A new romance in rehab that takes her away from focusing on her real issues. A new move with the new romance to take her away from focusing on her real issues. And where there is a high comes a low.

You don't want to be in the position of being the fall back guy when her new romance falls apart and she relapses looking for a familiar soft cushion to crash on.

You are trying to anticipate and analyze her next move when really it's your next move that you should be focusing on. Questions you should be asking yourself are.........what will I do when her new world falls apart and she wants to jump back into her old one? Would I really want to get back with someone who lied to me, cheated on me and moved on and away from me so quickly?

I also think you are very vulnerable right now, raw and hurting but SHE is not the band aid for your womb, she is the cause and the cause is never ever the cure.

Sasha1972

I'm pretty sure atalose means "the band aid for your wound", not "womb". The visual that conjures up is, um, anatomically interesting.

It sounds like social media (Facebook, Snapchat, etc) are acting on you almost like a drug - you keep seeking out information about her even though you know it will just lead to more unhappiness. Can you defriend, unfollow, block her? Give yourself a week with no new information about her to feed your cravings, and the cravings/obsessing may subside. Easier said than done, I know.

She treated you badly and sounds very self-centred. Maybe she will get past this in recovery, maybe she won't and this is who she is going to be for the rest of your life. You may never know. You deserve a better life, and I believe that you'll find it, once the letting-go process with this relationship moves along.

honeypig

herky, I know that part of my anger and hurt w/XAH was that I felt he owed me. I felt HE had done all the wrong, not me, and he owed me, dammit!

I also felt that he had somehow WON and that of course had to mean I had LOST. Again, I felt I'd done nothing wrong, was a totally innocent victim, and it was simply not right that he should walk away w/o any apparent consequences.

All of that thinking on my part was incorrect, but it took a long time to even begin to see it and it's taking more time to learn to see clearly how things were, how I was living and what I did, and understand my part.

Even that^ is something I misunderstood at first, thinking that it meant I was somehow to blame for the drinking, and no way was I going to accept that THAT was my fault!

Read around the forum, check out the stickies, and try reading some Alanon literature as well as getting to a half dozen meetings. As others have said, your healing will be a process and will take time.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

FeelingGreat

Herky, I know you'd like explanations and closure, maybe thanks, but it may never happen. Time will give you some perspective, and so will a conscious effort to go no contact and move on.

I've been through a very painful break-up, just like you and it took me around 2 years to start to feel normal again. They weren't 2 years of constant misery though, and gradually things started to get better.

For now, your crisis time, can I suggest you see a counsellor, talk to your pastor/priest, seek out support from your friends and family, and find something to enjoy? And above all, cut contact.

CJ1982

Hi Herky

I am sorry that you went through this and are still going through this! i hope that you are finding some peace. Your story is almost identical to mine, i will be posting it too later . I was with cocaine addict ex for over a year ( we had known each other for 5 years) . Took care of him loved him and helped him get on an outpatient recovery program then not even 3 weeks into his program he tells me (Via telephone) he needs to be alone and go on the journey by himself and focus on his recovery which i accepted and respected . 10 days later there are photos on Instagram of him and his new girlfriend who happens to be a girl from rehab . I was absolutely broken and i still am . He has now completed course and i have learnt that he has already moved into her home with her and her 3 children. I cant make sense of it ! how do you dicth someone who uncondtionally loved you for someone you have known for 5 minutes?

My ex and his new rehab girl are now both clean/sober . I know exactly how you are feeling. There is not a day i don't cry and i cant stop asking myself what i did wrong or why i was never enough. Some days i am so angry with rage . i feel cheated and it is just so unfair that you can invest your love and time helping and caring for someone to have them turn around and treat you like this! its absolutely digusting and it cuts so deep . I was reduced to tears reading your story because i can relate to it so much.

Sending you hugs Herky ! each day is struggle i know and i am thinking of you ! please feel free to reply if you want to talk as i can relate to your story so much !

53500

>>P.S. I did find the love of my life ten years later. Married her. Been married for almost 8 years. So glad I didn't marry the fantasy I had been carrying around for previous GF. <<

I could write just about the identical sentence, changing the pronouns and time frames a bit. I've been with my current partner about 18 years now, after others, one of whom I was positive was 'the love of my life'. I mean, positive. To where I felt physical pain for a long time when things went bad.

The 'love of my life' is still a friend. He'd reunite if I wanted to. Boy do I ever NOT want to. He left me for other women - yes plural - because it happened more than once, because (more than once) when he wanted me back I was happy & hopeful. Not to make light of the pain you're in now, but I'd send the last 'other woman' a gift basket and heartfelt thank you note if it wasn't so weird. I felt the pain, too.

You don't need instability and dishonesty in a partner. I know it hurts but you will get past it.

Cyranoak

You don't have enough experience with alcoholic women to know it, and count your blessings for that, but take this as the gift from God that it is and move on with your life. Counseling or Alanon to learn more about your part in the relationship and why you chose and stayed with a woman like that will help you make sure you don't replace her with another alcoholic or addict.

This may sound unsympathetic but it's the absolute opposite. Good luck my friend-- let go of the rope and move on with your life. Get healthy-- women who aren't broken alcoholic/addicts are plentiful, you just have to find a way to be attracted to them.

Cyranoak