"I need time to myself"
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 15
"I need time to myself"
Just wanna start by saying that everyone on this website makes me feel so welcome.
With the help of people on here that gave me faith, and hopefully with a lot of courage, I am HOPING (I need to get a lot of strength ) to tell my boyfriend, within the next 2 weeks , that I need to work on myself, for a week, or so, by myself. And stay at , my house, and just, be, without him.
How do I say this? NO IDEA! in a way that it doesn't sound like, i am mad at him or really upset with him?
We r going on vacation tomorrow me and him. I want to have a GREAT time with him. I will try not to hold his faults against him on vacay.
And then...hopefully..ill get the courage. to just be alone, for a while. to straighten myself out.
With the help of people on here that gave me faith, and hopefully with a lot of courage, I am HOPING (I need to get a lot of strength ) to tell my boyfriend, within the next 2 weeks , that I need to work on myself, for a week, or so, by myself. And stay at , my house, and just, be, without him.
How do I say this? NO IDEA! in a way that it doesn't sound like, i am mad at him or really upset with him?
We r going on vacation tomorrow me and him. I want to have a GREAT time with him. I will try not to hold his faults against him on vacay.
And then...hopefully..ill get the courage. to just be alone, for a while. to straighten myself out.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Is he living with you now?
I must admit - I'm a little puzzled on why you want to vacation with him if you want to break up with him. Or is it the prospect of confrontation that makes you hesitate when it comes to saying what you need to say? Or is it the prospect of vacationing alone?
I'm just concerned that you're trying to pull off the band-aid really slowly instead of getting it done and over with at once.
I think you mentioned in another thread that you've been with him for three years and that was three years wasted. I wouldn't think of it that way at all. It was a three year education on what you want and don't want from a relationship.
I was in a three year relationship with my ex-fiance. We did not bring out the best in each other. But it made me ready for the relationship that I have with my husband. When we first started going out, I couldn't believe it because the relationship was so peaceful. It was such a refuge, and it still is. This sounds so boring, but when we dated we didn't have to drink, we didn't have to do the latest and greatest thing. And I learned that being honest with your partner didn't mean you had to fight.
But I wouldn't have appreciated the relationship I had with my husband if I didn't have the relationship I had with my ex-fiance. At least for me, I needed that contrast to see what I had.
I do hope, no matter what, you have a great time on your vacation. Please get the tan that I won't get this week because I'll be in the office, staring at spreadsheets.
I must admit - I'm a little puzzled on why you want to vacation with him if you want to break up with him. Or is it the prospect of confrontation that makes you hesitate when it comes to saying what you need to say? Or is it the prospect of vacationing alone?
I'm just concerned that you're trying to pull off the band-aid really slowly instead of getting it done and over with at once.
I think you mentioned in another thread that you've been with him for three years and that was three years wasted. I wouldn't think of it that way at all. It was a three year education on what you want and don't want from a relationship.
I was in a three year relationship with my ex-fiance. We did not bring out the best in each other. But it made me ready for the relationship that I have with my husband. When we first started going out, I couldn't believe it because the relationship was so peaceful. It was such a refuge, and it still is. This sounds so boring, but when we dated we didn't have to drink, we didn't have to do the latest and greatest thing. And I learned that being honest with your partner didn't mean you had to fight.
But I wouldn't have appreciated the relationship I had with my husband if I didn't have the relationship I had with my ex-fiance. At least for me, I needed that contrast to see what I had.
I do hope, no matter what, you have a great time on your vacation. Please get the tan that I won't get this week because I'll be in the office, staring at spreadsheets.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Ah, the magic words. I never quite found them. I'd plan everything so perfectly in my head and never quite understood how I always ended up on the defensive. I wish that I had saved all that energy and simply acted. I didn't really owe anyone an explanation, feeling that I needed others to approve my actions is a part of my unhealthy thinking.
Nothing says, "I'm taking some time away," like taking some time away. Use the vacation for its intended purpose, to relax away from your cares. See if a friend could use the tickets. I took a real vacation this summer, not a sullen, uncomfortable trip where my primary purpose was to keep someone else from getting into trouble when they drank.
I much prefer the real kind.
Nothing says, "I'm taking some time away," like taking some time away. Use the vacation for its intended purpose, to relax away from your cares. See if a friend could use the tickets. I took a real vacation this summer, not a sullen, uncomfortable trip where my primary purpose was to keep someone else from getting into trouble when they drank.
I much prefer the real kind.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 63
I agree with PuzzledHeart and Ladyscribbler. (the magic words. so true. never found them either) Maybe, and this will take courage, tell him you need this vacation time to straighten yourself out. I get not wanting to hurt him, I did it for 25+ years before I took the courage to leave. It may seem insurmountable but it may be the best thing you can do for you.
You clearly need and truly desire time away for you. (or at least from your words and how I read what you wrote) Telling him it is for you and your needs may make it easier. If, and this is just my opinion, he really cares about you he will understand. To me that makes sense. I do know alcoholics can be selfish so… but think about it. Just a thought, really I do understand.
It may actually be harder to do after vacation. I hope you understand where I am coming from. Big hugs and glad you have at least have HOPE (thats a step)
You clearly need and truly desire time away for you. (or at least from your words and how I read what you wrote) Telling him it is for you and your needs may make it easier. If, and this is just my opinion, he really cares about you he will understand. To me that makes sense. I do know alcoholics can be selfish so… but think about it. Just a thought, really I do understand.
It may actually be harder to do after vacation. I hope you understand where I am coming from. Big hugs and glad you have at least have HOPE (thats a step)
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Colors39 
Just wanna start by saying that everyone on this website makes me feel so welcome.
With the help of people on here that gave me faith, and hopefully with a lot of courage, I am HOPING (I need to get a lot of strength ) to tell my boyfriend, within the next 2 weeks , that I need to work on myself, for a week, or so, by myself. And stay at , my house, and just, be, without him.
How do I say this? NO IDEA! in a way that it doesn't sound like, i am mad at him or really upset with him?
We r going on vacation tomorrow me and him. I want to have a GREAT time with him. I will try not to hold his faults against him on vacay.
And then...hopefully..ill get the courage. to just be alone, for a while. to straighten myself out.
With the help of people on here that gave me faith, and hopefully with a lot of courage, I am HOPING (I need to get a lot of strength ) to tell my boyfriend, within the next 2 weeks , that I need to work on myself, for a week, or so, by myself. And stay at , my house, and just, be, without him.
How do I say this? NO IDEA! in a way that it doesn't sound like, i am mad at him or really upset with him?
We r going on vacation tomorrow me and him. I want to have a GREAT time with him. I will try not to hold his faults against him on vacay.
And then...hopefully..ill get the courage. to just be alone, for a while. to straighten myself out.
I hope you can focus on the strength it took for you to decide that you needed this time for yourself. That was big wasnt it? Now you just need the follow through. You can do it. Just remember that even if your in a relationship, your still an individual with your own needs. Nothing wrong with that, and in fact I think its healthy.
Good Luck, and I hope your planned vacation is a lot of fun.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I hope you have a nice vacation. I am wondering though, are you looking at it as a "last hurrah"? Or kind of like one nice time together before you part? I only ask because I tend to struggle making any big plans with Abf because I feel like I am being a fraud since I know deep down we are hiding from reality and it needs to end or at least change and well, that change hasn't happened in over 2 years so the other option is to end. We make short term plans (like dinner in a few days which actually isn't even happening anymore since he is on a bender), but I notice when he talks about vacation or any big plans I really freeze up because it doesn't feel genuine. I always think that our day to day is such a band aid a vacation would be like a cast...
also, I would just be cautious because save for any major drama, whenever I spend a long amount of time with Abf, even if not on a vacation but just hanging out for consecutive days, I feel much closer to him which makes parting even more difficult. IOW, this vacation could go really well and then trick your mind into thinking you are too happy to leave...just some thoughts.
At any rate, I hope it is drama free
also, I would just be cautious because save for any major drama, whenever I spend a long amount of time with Abf, even if not on a vacation but just hanging out for consecutive days, I feel much closer to him which makes parting even more difficult. IOW, this vacation could go really well and then trick your mind into thinking you are too happy to leave...just some thoughts.
At any rate, I hope it is drama free
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