A year ago
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
A year ago
Hi all!
I've been in and out of these forums over the past few months (though I come by daily to re-read the 2016 postings of The Language of Letting Go! Thank you Honeypig) and wanted to stop by and say hi and share some updates. I also see a lot of new names - welcome to SR! This place has helped me, and continues to help me, in more ways than I can count!
A year ago today I returned home from a week long vacation with my family - a vacation that my now XAH didn't go on because he had blown all of his vacation days on hangovers. We had an almost icy reunion - I didn't want to admit it then but I knew he was in the depths of alcoholism and had been for years.
The very next day he got caught drinking at work and went straight to rehab. That may have been a version of his rock bottom, but that was MY wake-up call. "What are you doing married to his man? Who is this man? He treats you so poorly, yet you stay? Why?" -- I finally started listening to my inner dialogue that had been screaming at me for so long.
July and August of last year were terrible. Mean words thrown at each other, walking on egg shells, confusion, tears, many attempts for him to stay sober, me feeling so guilty for wanting to leave. Attended my first Al-Anon meeting and started going to therapy weekly (both highly recommended). We had only been married 2 years... he kept saying I was "giving up" - but wasn't he the one who had given up long before this?! Wouldn't wish any of these things on anyone, but I know many of you here know exactly what I'm talking about.
September took another turn and I moved out - thank goodness for my family nearby. Life savers. It literally took my mother saying to me, "pack a bag and drive here tonight. You have to get out of there. We'll figure the rest out later." I would have stayed days, weeks, months longer otherwise.
The rest of the fall followed a pattern of - him sending me rude, drunken?, abrasive texts and calls. Him getting a DUI. Then another relapse. Then more rehab. Then he got fired. By then I had already met with an attorney and was setting divorce papers.
Then 2017
Not all rainbows and butterflies, but some great milestones: filed for divorce, got divorced (!), reconnected with old friends, traveled places I've always wanted to go, still go to therapy, been a sounding board/soft place to land for friends going through hard times, started to date (slooooowly), realized I actually am a pretty awesome person and even toasted myself on Valentine's Day as my own Valentine (cheesy, but I loved it). And most recently changed my name back to my maiden name and signed a lease for my own place (I move later this summer, yay!). And I've remained No Contact with XAH since our papers were final - zip, zero, nada. A freeing feeling. Again, not all rainbows and butterflies, but a pretty darn good year so far!!
This post turned out to be longer than I had intended to write, but it feels good. A weird "anniversary" but one that is monumental in my life. My wake-up call and my realization that it's my life to live.
Cheers to all of you and I wish everyone here all the best! It's hard... but listen to your gut and take care of yourself.
I've been in and out of these forums over the past few months (though I come by daily to re-read the 2016 postings of The Language of Letting Go! Thank you Honeypig) and wanted to stop by and say hi and share some updates. I also see a lot of new names - welcome to SR! This place has helped me, and continues to help me, in more ways than I can count!
A year ago today I returned home from a week long vacation with my family - a vacation that my now XAH didn't go on because he had blown all of his vacation days on hangovers. We had an almost icy reunion - I didn't want to admit it then but I knew he was in the depths of alcoholism and had been for years.
The very next day he got caught drinking at work and went straight to rehab. That may have been a version of his rock bottom, but that was MY wake-up call. "What are you doing married to his man? Who is this man? He treats you so poorly, yet you stay? Why?" -- I finally started listening to my inner dialogue that had been screaming at me for so long.
July and August of last year were terrible. Mean words thrown at each other, walking on egg shells, confusion, tears, many attempts for him to stay sober, me feeling so guilty for wanting to leave. Attended my first Al-Anon meeting and started going to therapy weekly (both highly recommended). We had only been married 2 years... he kept saying I was "giving up" - but wasn't he the one who had given up long before this?! Wouldn't wish any of these things on anyone, but I know many of you here know exactly what I'm talking about.
September took another turn and I moved out - thank goodness for my family nearby. Life savers. It literally took my mother saying to me, "pack a bag and drive here tonight. You have to get out of there. We'll figure the rest out later." I would have stayed days, weeks, months longer otherwise.
The rest of the fall followed a pattern of - him sending me rude, drunken?, abrasive texts and calls. Him getting a DUI. Then another relapse. Then more rehab. Then he got fired. By then I had already met with an attorney and was setting divorce papers.
Then 2017
Not all rainbows and butterflies, but some great milestones: filed for divorce, got divorced (!), reconnected with old friends, traveled places I've always wanted to go, still go to therapy, been a sounding board/soft place to land for friends going through hard times, started to date (slooooowly), realized I actually am a pretty awesome person and even toasted myself on Valentine's Day as my own Valentine (cheesy, but I loved it). And most recently changed my name back to my maiden name and signed a lease for my own place (I move later this summer, yay!). And I've remained No Contact with XAH since our papers were final - zip, zero, nada. A freeing feeling. Again, not all rainbows and butterflies, but a pretty darn good year so far!!This post turned out to be longer than I had intended to write, but it feels good. A weird "anniversary" but one that is monumental in my life. My wake-up call and my realization that it's my life to live.
Cheers to all of you and I wish everyone here all the best! It's hard... but listen to your gut and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thank you for taking the time to post this, CaptainM! It's helpful to newcomers, lurkers and those who are struggling w/the fear of leaving their A to hear stories just like this one. So important to know that while it won't be EASY, it will be WORTH IT.
I'm really glad you've found the light in your life again.
I'm really glad you've found the light in your life again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
man have i got brain to finger issues....
and worth toast EVER DAY
worth TOASTING EVERY day..........
and worth toast EVER DAY
worth TOASTING EVERY day..........
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