Can trust ever be regained?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Can trust ever be regained?
How do you regain or should you try to regain trust from a recovering AD partner - I feel my life is on hold as I support my partner. She is only focused on day at time. Marriage appear shot - consigned to one of the kids rooms (I am staying put for their sake) at night and struggling. Years of secrecy and lies including a declared one night fling with friends husband have hurt me badly. But worse was the loss of emotional trust that came from seeing flirting emails with other male "friends"
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I don't want to be pessimistic but re- gaining trust is almost impossible given what you are saying. It wasn't just the addiction was it? Your wife was unfaithful to you on possibly numerous occasions and hurt you. To me that is the issue now regardless of if she stays sober.
What do you want out of life? What do you want for your kids? You all deserve better.
What do you want out of life? What do you want for your kids? You all deserve better.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Thank you. It is the thought that the actions were done to hurt me that emotionally impact me the most. I find it hard to reconcile that even drunk you don't have some control over your actions. So I sit in limbo..... What I miss is connectivity emotionally
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi anodes, lots of empathy for you in your difficult path. It's early days with your AW, regarding the drinking, but I'm glad you're getting counselling.
If you're sure she set out to hurt you then is there much left to save? I applaud you for staying around for the kid's sake, but it's not a long term plan. Why not think about what you want for the future? She seems to have checked out already.
If you're sure she set out to hurt you then is there much left to save? I applaud you for staying around for the kid's sake, but it's not a long term plan. Why not think about what you want for the future? She seems to have checked out already.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I went through the same. I was thinking I could get past the drinking in time. Then she added cheating to the mix.
I had to be honest with myself about it. I would never again have the trust a relationship is supposed to have. I would never be able to trust her like I needed to.
I personally chose to end it. Many don't. I am very glad I left in my case.
I had to be honest with myself about it. I would never again have the trust a relationship is supposed to have. I would never be able to trust her like I needed to.
I personally chose to end it. Many don't. I am very glad I left in my case.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 39
I would have to say that if you plan on staying in the relationship, then you have to find a way to forgive her. Maybe couple's therapy can help, but I wouldn't bother with it until she is in recovery from alcohol. For your well being you might want to see your own therapist to talk things through. Forgiveness relieves a lot of stress and anxiety so you can feel better.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we can give ourselves permission to build boundaries against people and their actions that violate our trust. we don't HAVE to continue to put our own lives on hold waiting for someone with YEARS of lies and deceit to get it together.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A,
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
I empathize with what you are going through. My AH and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for YEARS now while I tried to get my ducks in a row (went back to school, got a job, joined Al Anon). It's no way to live, always being in survival mode and "keeping up appearances" for the sake of the friends.
To answer your question, I have seen marriages survive alcoholism and infidelity, and become stronger than ever-- but not without serious, serious work. Is your wife prepared for that?
She can't be all "oh, but my recovery, blah, blah... I need help getting better, blah, blah... I promise... blah, blah, blah."
She needs to EARN your trust back. Every day. She needs to be pounding the pavement, working her program, seeing a therapist... and most importantly, she needs to show up for YOU.
If she's like "oh, but I have to go to 4 meetings a day, and I need all this alone time, and I need to go spend time with my friend in Sedona and I to talk to my sponsor for 2 hours a night and I need, I need, I need..." It's not going to work. What's in this for you? What about your needs? And your kids?
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but with my friends who made it work after chronic infidelity, he freaking FOUND RELIGION and decided that he was going to earn his wife's trust back. And he did that by developing a strict spiritual program, dealing with his issues and showing up EVERY DAY to be the best husband and father he could be.
Actions, not words, you know? You're a person, not a doormat.
To answer your question, I have seen marriages survive alcoholism and infidelity, and become stronger than ever-- but not without serious, serious work. Is your wife prepared for that?
She can't be all "oh, but my recovery, blah, blah... I need help getting better, blah, blah... I promise... blah, blah, blah."
She needs to EARN your trust back. Every day. She needs to be pounding the pavement, working her program, seeing a therapist... and most importantly, she needs to show up for YOU.
If she's like "oh, but I have to go to 4 meetings a day, and I need all this alone time, and I need to go spend time with my friend in Sedona and I to talk to my sponsor for 2 hours a night and I need, I need, I need..." It's not going to work. What's in this for you? What about your needs? And your kids?
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but with my friends who made it work after chronic infidelity, he freaking FOUND RELIGION and decided that he was going to earn his wife's trust back. And he did that by developing a strict spiritual program, dealing with his issues and showing up EVERY DAY to be the best husband and father he could be.
Actions, not words, you know? You're a person, not a doormat.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by anodes7102 
How do you regain or should you try to regain trust from a recovering AD partner - I feel my life is on hold as I support my partner. She is only focused on day at time. Marriage appear shot - consigned to one of the kids rooms (I am staying put for their sake) at night and struggling. Years of secrecy and lies including a declared one night fling with friends husband have hurt me badly. But worse was the loss of emotional trust that came from seeing flirting emails with other male "friends"
I didnt find out about my husbands cheating right away. It was discovered almost a year later. Maybe it softened the blow a little bit because he had already got treatment and we had been doing family counseling together. But when I did find out it hurt. Even though he had been drinking and using drugs at the time.. it didnt excuse what he did.
I began working with a psychologist on my own, when my husband was actively using. It was a lifesaver for me. I hope its helping you. I still journal A LOT. It helps.
How do you rebuild trust, and forgive regarding the marriage and the cheating? Its been a confusing time for me, and I needed a little space so I have been staying at my parents for a couple of months now. My husband and I are talking, and we are seeing each other, working on things, and last week we decided to try something apart from the regular marriage counseling.. at the suggestion of my parents, we have started Christian marriage counseling. We are going to go once a week for a while.
I guess all I can say is that for me. I first had to know that his use of substances was under control, and that he was working on a lot of underlying issues that had been plaguing him for years to be honest. He has a treatment plan and sees a psychologist of his own. Then I needed to know he felt remorse for what he did. There is no way he can go back and change it. But I needed to know how he internalized what he did, and if he understood the impact it had on me, and the overall concept of what marriage should be.
And then its honestly about working through my emotions, and the visuals that creep into my mind. Its about forgiving, and deciding what I want for my future, and how I feel about him, and what kind of life we will have together based on what I know now. A lot of those types of things.
I dont think you can work through it, and try to make the marriage stronger if she doesnt work on her part, and work with you also. She may not be stable enough depending on her recovery issues. That could be legit, or it could also be an excuse to avoid the hard work? What does she have to say about it?
I think it would be much harder with young children in the home so my heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Can trust ever be regained?
Unless there is extensive work done by both on just the trust building alone then there is hope. But she has a number of other things to work hard on first and trust probably is not at the top of her list while it is on yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by maia1234
A,
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Unfortunately I can relate.
I didnt find out about my husbands cheating right away. It was discovered almost a year later. Maybe it softened the blow a little bit because he had already got treatment and we had been doing family counseling together. But when I did find out it hurt. Even though he had been drinking and using drugs at the time.. it didnt excuse what he did.
I began working with a psychologist on my own, when my husband was actively using. It was a lifesaver for me. I hope its helping you. I still journal A LOT. It helps.
How do you rebuild trust, and forgive regarding the marriage and the cheating? Its been a confusing time for me, and I needed a little space so I have been staying at my parents for a couple of months now. My husband and I are talking, and we are seeing each other, working on things, and last week we decided to try something apart from the regular marriage counseling.. at the suggestion of my parents, we have started Christian marriage counseling. We are going to go once a week for a while.
I guess all I can say is that for me. I first had to know that his use of substances was under control, and that he was working on a lot of underlying issues that had been plaguing him for years to be honest. He has a treatment plan and sees a psychologist of his own. Then I needed to know he felt remorse for what he did. There is no way he can go back and change it. But I needed to know how he internalized what he did, and if he understood the impact it had on me, and the overall concept of what marriage should be.
And then its honestly about working through my emotions, and the visuals that creep into my mind. Its about forgiving, and deciding what I want for my future, and how I feel about him, and what kind of life we will have together based on what I know now. A lot of those types of things.
I dont think you can work through it, and try to make the marriage stronger if she doesnt work on her part, and work with you also. She may not be stable enough depending on her recovery issues. That could be legit, or it could also be an excuse to avoid the hard work? What does she have to say about it?
I think it would be much harder with young children in the home so my heart goes out to you.
I didnt find out about my husbands cheating right away. It was discovered almost a year later. Maybe it softened the blow a little bit because he had already got treatment and we had been doing family counseling together. But when I did find out it hurt. Even though he had been drinking and using drugs at the time.. it didnt excuse what he did.
I began working with a psychologist on my own, when my husband was actively using. It was a lifesaver for me. I hope its helping you. I still journal A LOT. It helps.
How do you rebuild trust, and forgive regarding the marriage and the cheating? Its been a confusing time for me, and I needed a little space so I have been staying at my parents for a couple of months now. My husband and I are talking, and we are seeing each other, working on things, and last week we decided to try something apart from the regular marriage counseling.. at the suggestion of my parents, we have started Christian marriage counseling. We are going to go once a week for a while.
I guess all I can say is that for me. I first had to know that his use of substances was under control, and that he was working on a lot of underlying issues that had been plaguing him for years to be honest. He has a treatment plan and sees a psychologist of his own. Then I needed to know he felt remorse for what he did. There is no way he can go back and change it. But I needed to know how he internalized what he did, and if he understood the impact it had on me, and the overall concept of what marriage should be.
And then its honestly about working through my emotions, and the visuals that creep into my mind. Its about forgiving, and deciding what I want for my future, and how I feel about him, and what kind of life we will have together based on what I know now. A lot of those types of things.
I dont think you can work through it, and try to make the marriage stronger if she doesnt work on her part, and work with you also. She may not be stable enough depending on her recovery issues. That could be legit, or it could also be an excuse to avoid the hard work? What does she have to say about it?
I think it would be much harder with young children in the home so my heart goes out to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by maia1234
A,
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
I am sorry that your addict did this to you. You will see on this forum it happens more often then not. Trust is something that only time can "fix".
I hope that she is working a program and committed to sobriety. If you don't see that 100% commitment, I would just accept "defeat" and seek other options. Addicts drag along their codies for a long time before we finally let go.
Hugs my friend, take care of you and your kiddos!! They are the ones that need the love and support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Eventually I reached the point of indifference, when you know it's over. It comes to a point where you look inside and ask yourself if you trust and respect the other person. If you don't I have no idea how a relationship can survive. As a recovering alcoholic (25 years) I realized I have -- always have had -- free will. In recovery we learn we're responsible for our actions, including those while using.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I think trust can be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time, effort and work...through consistent actions (not words), such as abstaining from alcohol, showing accountability for one's actions (apologize and make amends), transparency, respecting your boundaries, and open and honest communication to name a few.
Early recovery is challenging with lots of twist and turns. It's not so straightforward. Try not to lose yourself and go down the rabbit hole and get yourself stuck. You don't have to put your life on hold. Go and live your life, enjoy your children and find those moments that bring you happiness.
I wish you didn't have to go through it. You're not alone. Plenty of us have experienced broken trust. It's good you found SR...there's lots of wisdom, knowledge and support here. Take care of yourself.
Early recovery is challenging with lots of twist and turns. It's not so straightforward. Try not to lose yourself and go down the rabbit hole and get yourself stuck. You don't have to put your life on hold. Go and live your life, enjoy your children and find those moments that bring you happiness.
I wish you didn't have to go through it. You're not alone. Plenty of us have experienced broken trust. It's good you found SR...there's lots of wisdom, knowledge and support here. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
For me, trust was never going to be rebuilt. After years and years of lying, both about his drinking and then uncovering his visits to "massage parlors"...I just couldn't do it anymore. After I found out about the massage parlors, he was "willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back." That only lasted a bit and then a few months down the road it was back to "you're never going to trust me anyways, so why should I even try?"
Although addiction and cheating are separate issues, I believe they are both symptoms of deeper psychological issues. For my XAH, visiting prostitutes was just another way for him to get a "high" and escape reality. The issue is...I couldn't stay married to someone any longer who was unable to face everyday life without the use of substances or other ways to get high.
I finally enforced my boundaries, mostly for the sake of my kids. My kids needed to have at least one healthy parent. It's now been 14 months since we separated and I can honestly say my only regret is that I did not do it sooner. Being married to someone I couldn't trust stole my energy and zest for life. I'm finally starting to get that back.
Although addiction and cheating are separate issues, I believe they are both symptoms of deeper psychological issues. For my XAH, visiting prostitutes was just another way for him to get a "high" and escape reality. The issue is...I couldn't stay married to someone any longer who was unable to face everyday life without the use of substances or other ways to get high.
I finally enforced my boundaries, mostly for the sake of my kids. My kids needed to have at least one healthy parent. It's now been 14 months since we separated and I can honestly say my only regret is that I did not do it sooner. Being married to someone I couldn't trust stole my energy and zest for life. I'm finally starting to get that back.
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