I do not know what is best for my kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
I do not know what is best for my kids.
I do realize this is a question that only I can truly answer, but it's one I feel so incredibly lost on. What really is best for my two kids? I want to say that the answer to that question will always guide my actions, but the answer seems slippery, unclear, and evasive.
I have two DSs, 7 1/2 and 10, who absolutely adore their dad, DH. DH binge drinks 1-3 nights per week. He starts before dinner, but it's mostly after the DSs have gone to bed. So they don't actually see him drinking too much but they are SO perceptive and observant. They see the six packs, 20-ouncers, and wine that he brings home and they see that it's gone the next morning. Even though they don't realize it, they see and feel his lethargy and his inertia. They see how he's more fun, how he gets chatty and warm, after a few glasses of wine. And they are learning that this must be normal.
No matter what I tell them about how it's perfectly normal to not drink at all (I quit in 2014) and it's also normal for adults to drink one or two in an evening, but that it's something that is only for grown-ups... They are so curious about their dad's beer and wine - always asking questions about it. Is wine carbonated? What does it taste like? So you used to make beer? Is alcohol bad for you? But they have also already learned these unspoken question and talk boundaries which prevent them from pointing out how much dad is drinking. In fact, youngest DS told me "Dad doesn't drink too much" the last time we talked about alcohol. (I'm trying my best to talk early and keep an open communication line between me and them regarding alcohol so I try to talk about it with them... i don't know..)
I'm working toward getting employment so that I have the freedom to choose whether to stay or leave instead of feeling trapped. If I divorce him and we share custody, I will worry about them even more when they are with him. At least now I can be here. But I worry most about what really is the best thing for them. We are a picture perfect family in many ways. If I start going to alanon and stay sober and do my best to stay positive and be a good mom, will that be enough to compensate?
If you read this thank you. I know I must answer these questions. Sometimes I just have to get those thoughts out there. Our 18 year anniversary is tomorrow and it's hard to deal with too.
I have two DSs, 7 1/2 and 10, who absolutely adore their dad, DH. DH binge drinks 1-3 nights per week. He starts before dinner, but it's mostly after the DSs have gone to bed. So they don't actually see him drinking too much but they are SO perceptive and observant. They see the six packs, 20-ouncers, and wine that he brings home and they see that it's gone the next morning. Even though they don't realize it, they see and feel his lethargy and his inertia. They see how he's more fun, how he gets chatty and warm, after a few glasses of wine. And they are learning that this must be normal.
No matter what I tell them about how it's perfectly normal to not drink at all (I quit in 2014) and it's also normal for adults to drink one or two in an evening, but that it's something that is only for grown-ups... They are so curious about their dad's beer and wine - always asking questions about it. Is wine carbonated? What does it taste like? So you used to make beer? Is alcohol bad for you? But they have also already learned these unspoken question and talk boundaries which prevent them from pointing out how much dad is drinking. In fact, youngest DS told me "Dad doesn't drink too much" the last time we talked about alcohol. (I'm trying my best to talk early and keep an open communication line between me and them regarding alcohol so I try to talk about it with them... i don't know..)
I'm working toward getting employment so that I have the freedom to choose whether to stay or leave instead of feeling trapped. If I divorce him and we share custody, I will worry about them even more when they are with him. At least now I can be here. But I worry most about what really is the best thing for them. We are a picture perfect family in many ways. If I start going to alanon and stay sober and do my best to stay positive and be a good mom, will that be enough to compensate?
If you read this thank you. I know I must answer these questions. Sometimes I just have to get those thoughts out there. Our 18 year anniversary is tomorrow and it's hard to deal with too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
I can relate. I also have two kids. My AH is an OK dad-- he loves them a lot, I know that's true. But he is also drinking every day so he's at best not fully present for anyone.
My kids and I are now living at my mom's while we figure out the next step. We are soooooooooooooooooooooo much happier.
I've started going to Al Anon, which is a little new to me, but I've been learning a lot. Someone today shared about surrender. Part of the 12 step process is surrendering to your Higher Power-- basically handing the reigns to God (or whatever you fill-in). This requires faith that your HP has your back and will support you in your healing.
By learning to surrender, you hand your anger, your need to control and the incredible burden of trying to carry everything on your shoulders. You just hand it over.
Just the idea of this has brought me tremendous relief from the guilt of being the one who has to make all the important decisions. You don't need to be the one constantly planning, strategizing, thinking 3 moves ahead. I spun my wheels doing that for 12 years!
Finally, I'm learning to set my own boundaries for ME and let go.
My kids and I are now living at my mom's while we figure out the next step. We are soooooooooooooooooooooo much happier.
I've started going to Al Anon, which is a little new to me, but I've been learning a lot. Someone today shared about surrender. Part of the 12 step process is surrendering to your Higher Power-- basically handing the reigns to God (or whatever you fill-in). This requires faith that your HP has your back and will support you in your healing.
By learning to surrender, you hand your anger, your need to control and the incredible burden of trying to carry everything on your shoulders. You just hand it over.
Just the idea of this has brought me tremendous relief from the guilt of being the one who has to make all the important decisions. You don't need to be the one constantly planning, strategizing, thinking 3 moves ahead. I spun my wheels doing that for 12 years!
Finally, I'm learning to set my own boundaries for ME and let go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, PerSe.
This is a tough one to answer.
We like to think our children aren't affected by a drinking parent's behavior, but they are, and in ways we may not see right away and had not anticipated.
First off, alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse.
What do you want your and your daughters' lives to look like in 5 or 10 years?
Your spouse will likely be drinking more, with the ramifications that that entails.
Al-Anon is a great place for support. I would definitely go.
There you may also get clarity about the situation. You will meet people who struggle with same questions. Some stay with the alcoholic partner; some do not.
Good luck.
This is a tough one to answer.
We like to think our children aren't affected by a drinking parent's behavior, but they are, and in ways we may not see right away and had not anticipated.
First off, alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse.
What do you want your and your daughters' lives to look like in 5 or 10 years?
Your spouse will likely be drinking more, with the ramifications that that entails.
Al-Anon is a great place for support. I would definitely go.
There you may also get clarity about the situation. You will meet people who struggle with same questions. Some stay with the alcoholic partner; some do not.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The children are watching and basing life on what they see. The youngest doesn't think dad drinks a lot because he hides it well. He drinks after they go to bed so they are learning they can drink that much and it's ok no ramifications. Dad or people are just more fun.
Now if you create a world for them that doesn't include alcohol. Where partners aren't on edge. Where you can have fun without getting drunk.
Yes, they will have time with dad and his life but they will have time and safety in your life.
Now if you create a world for them that doesn't include alcohol. Where partners aren't on edge. Where you can have fun without getting drunk.
Yes, they will have time with dad and his life but they will have time and safety in your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by PerSe 
DH binge drinks 1-3 nights per week. He starts before dinner, but it's mostly after the DSs have gone to bed. So they don't actually see him drinking too much but they are SO perceptive and observant.
Originally Posted by PerSe
If I start going to alanon and stay sober and do my best to stay positive and be a good mom, will that be enough to compensate?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
In terms of recommendations:
I would really recommend therapy with a qualified Dr, one who specializes in addiction medicine might be best. Alanon is a good resource for support, but it is based solely on the 12 step program. I did both and found therapy much more helpful. I think its the best resource to help you work through the situation with your husband and determine the effect its having on your kids. It might even be recommended that they see a therapist who specializes with children, or a type of family therapy if their questions persist, or if you see any behavioral issues down the road. If you contact your local medical center they may have referrals, or even have free or minimal cost on these types of family services if not covered by your insurance.
Have you talked to your husband about his binge drinking, and how it is impacting your marriage, and the concerns you have with the kids? I realize he may be in denial of his issues, as its one of the symptoms of alcohol abuse, but still I feel its best not to sweep it under the rug. How long has this pattern of behavior been going on?
I would really recommend therapy with a qualified Dr, one who specializes in addiction medicine might be best. Alanon is a good resource for support, but it is based solely on the 12 step program. I did both and found therapy much more helpful. I think its the best resource to help you work through the situation with your husband and determine the effect its having on your kids. It might even be recommended that they see a therapist who specializes with children, or a type of family therapy if their questions persist, or if you see any behavioral issues down the road. If you contact your local medical center they may have referrals, or even have free or minimal cost on these types of family services if not covered by your insurance.
Have you talked to your husband about his binge drinking, and how it is impacting your marriage, and the concerns you have with the kids? I realize he may be in denial of his issues, as its one of the symptoms of alcohol abuse, but still I feel its best not to sweep it under the rug. How long has this pattern of behavior been going on?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
its a very tough situation to be in.
As so many have posted here, it does not get better. Addiction is progressive and it will get worse.
The kids will continue to grow up in this and think it's normal because they have nothing else to experience that shows them anything different.
It sucks being in this, I know this more than I care to admit.
When you've had enough of it is when you'll do something about it: for the kids and yourself.
Peace to you and I pray for you and your family...
As so many have posted here, it does not get better. Addiction is progressive and it will get worse.
The kids will continue to grow up in this and think it's normal because they have nothing else to experience that shows them anything different.
It sucks being in this, I know this more than I care to admit.
When you've had enough of it is when you'll do something about it: for the kids and yourself.
Peace to you and I pray for you and your family...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
PerSe,
" we are a picture perfect family in many ways." In my opinion picture perfect families aren't on addiction support group web sites for years, seeking help.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am sorry for being so tough. Your husband is an addict and nothing is going to make him change. What will change is when you get sick and tired of his crxp and move on. I waited 34 years and "he" never changed.
I finally changed and moved on to a happy life. You can to my friend. Its up to you.
" we are a picture perfect family in many ways." In my opinion picture perfect families aren't on addiction support group web sites for years, seeking help.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am sorry for being so tough. Your husband is an addict and nothing is going to make him change. What will change is when you get sick and tired of his crxp and move on. I waited 34 years and "he" never changed.
I finally changed and moved on to a happy life. You can to my friend. Its up to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Thanks so much to everyone for the replies. It really means a lot because I am fairly isolated - pity party haha - but really it is very isolating.
aliciagr, I appreciate what you say about a therapist. I have known for a while now that I need to get back into therapy. I was in therapy from early 2014 until the end of 2015 and my therapist was so helpful in my milestone of quitting drinking and to tell DH how I felt about his drinking. Unfortunately after I stopped therapy, I also stopped maintaining any boundaries regarding the drinking and stopped ever saying anything. Anyway, yes. I am going to do that again. Thank you!!!!
aliciagr, I appreciate what you say about a therapist. I have known for a while now that I need to get back into therapy. I was in therapy from early 2014 until the end of 2015 and my therapist was so helpful in my milestone of quitting drinking and to tell DH how I felt about his drinking. Unfortunately after I stopped therapy, I also stopped maintaining any boundaries regarding the drinking and stopped ever saying anything. Anyway, yes. I am going to do that again. Thank you!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just remember, addiction is progressive. My XAH was a "binge drinker" as well. Until it progressed.
I think you are wise to continue on your plan to secure employment and build a nest egg for yourself and your children. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
I think you are wise to continue on your plan to secure employment and build a nest egg for yourself and your children. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much you are in this situation
Sharing what was shared with me many years ago, I was told what we are doing today is showing our daughters what is acceptable behaviors from their partners.
Our children learn from what they see.
For me I taught my daughters to accept a partner that lies, steals, abuses, and belittles the person they are suppose to love the most.
I know not all situations are like mine but this is just some info for thought.
Would you want your daughters to be in a relationship just like yours? <--- that was the question that broke my heart.
I wish the best for you & your family. I believe your HP & recovery program will show you what is best for your family.
Pink hugs
Sharing what was shared with me many years ago, I was told what we are doing today is showing our daughters what is acceptable behaviors from their partners.
Our children learn from what they see.
For me I taught my daughters to accept a partner that lies, steals, abuses, and belittles the person they are suppose to love the most.
I know not all situations are like mine but this is just some info for thought.
Would you want your daughters to be in a relationship just like yours? <--- that was the question that broke my heart.
I wish the best for you & your family. I believe your HP & recovery program will show you what is best for your family.
Pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Newtongl
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
I can only tell you that I felt the same way when my son was that age. He is now 22 and I finally kicked my AH out. When I speak to my son about it now he said he always knew his Dad was drinking and felt all the tension and stress in our lives. I had no idea. It does get progressively worse and then you and the kids have to deal with that. I wish I had left years ago but I stayed for my son, which in hindsight was not the best decision. Best of luck to you and your kids.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
