With Gratitude I write this

Old 07-08-2017, 07:05 PM
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With Gratitude I write this

I am so grateful to have found you... All your posts. All hit home!
Finally it's clicking. Finally others who understand! I am not alone!
This is the first time in months if not years I can see it is not me.
There is a Real glimmer of Realization.
Even after years of Al-Anon

It has been a rough 2 decades +. (I almost wrote centuries it feels it) the last 2 years going through long divorce. I have been beating myself up, isolating, beyond depressed, angry, hurt, anxiety and panic, tried to commit suicide. I am so ashamed of the things I did after I found out he had a double, if not a triple life. For more than a year I tried to self destruct. I am so grateful and Blessed to still be alive and here at this moment. I finally had to divorce. Wish I had long ago. It wasn’t even close to easy. But I was replaced long ago, by alcohol, fast cars, gambling, women and I had no clue just how much.

Now 2 months divorced and I am in a safe, beautiful little apartment. Not what I had, she has that all now. I know I will heal. I know I have a long way to go. Years of thinking that needs to change. So much to still overcome... Rebuild.

LOL I am so okay at the moment. I know after reading the posts, I will be okay! I know I will still isolate, shut down, bawl my eyes out, panic and yes, even miss him...okay enough negative. Now, at this moment, I have hope. Time to build a beautiful life!

Honestly my heart goes out to all of you who are struggling and want to leave but…well I have been there…not easy but so worth it, at this point…so so worth it….I am worth it!
Not all need to leave. I was one who should have left long ago.

To those who are already finding some Peace and Serenity, many, many, many thanks for the hope you have given me today!
My word but we are all stronger than we think!
I am still here and still standing!
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Old 07-08-2017, 07:55 PM
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Sending you a hug.

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Old 07-08-2017, 08:07 PM
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Hey SimplyE, so glad to hear that you have fought your way out of that abyss. You make the world a better place by having done this.

May you continue to heal and grow!
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Old 07-08-2017, 08:52 PM
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Hi SimplyE,

From the short description you gave of your marriage, it still almost feels like it was mine. I also spent over 2 decades with someone, that I shouldn't have been with.

I also had the depression, the isolating myself, etc...

I guess the thing is that what I feel sometimes is not really covered that much is "how do you handle things, after you get out of one of these marriages"?

This forum helped me a lot with the messed up thinking that I developed during my marriage and they helped me to get onto the right path for recovery.

After I was divorced I bought this foreclosure log cabin. This place was really abused and needed a lot of work on it. I was also abused and needed a lot of work and healing on me. So, it felt like everything that I did to fix and heal my log cabin, was also helping to heal me.

I also found out that I really didn't know my likes and dislikes. I had to find them out. I had to rediscover who I was as a person, and what my values were.

I had so much help from this forum. Glad that you are here. I also started here on this forum after my divorce. This is a place for recovery and discovery. To get back to being the person that you really are.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Old 07-09-2017, 01:21 AM
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Welcome, SimplyE, and glad you found us here. You're going to be OK. You've come a long way already.

"Every little thing gonna be alright"

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Old 07-09-2017, 02:11 AM
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SimplyE, was reading your backstory over in Newcomers. Just wanted to let you know we have a number of members who post here in F&F who are, like you, alcoholics themselves as well as the current or ex-spouse or partner of an A. The term you might hear for that is "double winner."

I'm not sure if you thought an alcoholic might not be welcomed in this part of the forum and that's why you didn't mention that fact, but the more open you are about your situation, the more people here will be able to offer support and help.

Believe me, no one here has anything but respect and support for an A who is working his/her recovery to the best of their ability. I hope you are able to work yours wholeheartedly.
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Old 07-09-2017, 06:36 AM
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Oh such good things! Hugs to you all. Ariesagain, Bekindalways, amy55, honeypig

honeypig was thinking about that last night.

So why separate it? Not because I didn't think I would be welcome but because I am ashamed. I see there is no reason for it but thats the truth. I am ashamed. To think I may be on the other side (alcoholic) or could end up there is new to me. In all those years I almost never drank. I was a tea totaler, living for him, trying to develop a safe place for him, if I am not drinking neither is he. Such logic…not!

When I finally said enough 2 years ago and asked for a divorce I broke… I shattered into a million pieces. It was more than, “I Thought,” I could take. Last year I did end up on suicide watch, I did try to end my life and self destruct with wine and benydryl. And subsequently in the last couple months found I was drinking alone to end the pain. Not a lot or often but for all the wrong reasons. Of all people I know the slippery slope I could be headed for. I turned to the very thing I loathed. So simply… no more. My safe little home is now that. Thanks again honeypig.

Amy55 I am so inspired by you buying a foreclosure log cabin. I can see the healing that might come from working on you and the cabin. What a beautiful message. I so want to know my own likes and dislikes. I want to know who I am. I have never know who I was with PTSD from childhood, bouts of life crippling depression, social anxiety, severe panic. Almost 24/7 body on high alert or shut down because that could not be sustained. Wow, I am discovering a lot.

I truly look forward to Today. Free from all but one anxiety med. Free to enjoy the sun and my cat, free to start studying again. Free to plan my week to challenge myself to get out more and face my fears. This fall I am taking on the challenge of Anatomy & Physiology 2 and tutoring A & P 1. Hope to fill out Grant application today. Slowly slowly discovering!

Heartfelt Hugs and good thoughts to everyone in all these situations
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Old 07-09-2017, 07:13 AM
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Hey SimplyE, I'm a double winner too! Congrats on untangling your destructive marriage and taking on your own drinking. Enjoy your peaceful time getting to know your own self and taking good care of YOU.
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Old 07-09-2017, 12:42 PM
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Another double winner here also.

I started in "newcomer's" August 2011. I think I first posted at 12 noontime. I couldn't deal with things anymore. I had so much work to do in this house and I couldn't find a contractor to help me. I was on I think, my fifth beer of the day. I bought this foreclosure in April 2011. I thought things would be so easy because I am good with home repairs and painting, gardening, etc... Well, anyway, I was going to do most of the work myself. I pulled up the carpeting and realized that oil was spilled all over my sub floor. I tried my best that summer to try to get the oil stains out, but whenever it got humid, that oil just bubbled up to the top again.

So, that August day, I joined here. I knew I had to stop drinking. I needed to get strong, so that I could fight those carpenter bees, the carpenter ants, make this cabin livable. I needed to realize that without help, I will continue to sleep on an air mattress with patio furniture for my dining room and living room. Winter was coming, and I live in Pa. (lol)

I was so angry at my ex for the way I was living. I was angry at life in general. It hit me that day that where I was in life at that point, was all on me. I made the choices that I did, and I needed to fix them. It was time for me to start controlling the only person that I can control, and that was "me".

After awhile, I started to wander over to this forum, F & F. I saw many stories of the life that I left, and I was learning "coping skills". I had no coping skills. If I got stressed, I went out and brought a case of beer. That was no longer helping, all it did was delay me from putting into action what I knew would be better for me. I was afraid. I never lived alone. I never had to make decisions. I was just being inactive in doing anything to better myself or my life.

So, I took control. I found a contractor, had a new sub floor put in, a new kitchen, new bathroom. Finally brought furniture for my house. I also took care of those carpenter bees and ants on my own.

I read the plans that you are making, and you are on the right track. You are taking control of your life back. Kudos to you. Thank you also for sharing your story here with us.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Old 07-09-2017, 08:05 PM
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We have some amazing people on these forums. Congrats to all of you on your sobriety. There is nothing greater to be proud of!!
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Old 07-10-2017, 05:17 AM
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Thank You WhiteFeathers, Amy and Maia

Amy what an amazing story and grateful to hear today.
Way to go taking care of the Bee’s and Ants on your own! That’t no easy feat!

It’s true we can only control ourselves.
I am the only one who can make me happy.

Today I have to take my car to the garage that just did maintenance on it and let them hear a noise that just started. This is after they did preventive maintenance. It is going to take a lot to stand up to them. It may or may not be their fault but it’s too coincidental. Tomorrow I have to take it to Honda to have 3 recalls fixed. I don't want the garage to say it was Hondas fault. I am so afraid I am going to be taken advantage of, or humiliated. It is going to take all I have to “act" calm. (What is going on inside will be much different then what I hope they see. At times like this I stutter, lose words, visibly shake and the anxiety escalates to panic.)

To overcome my Panic and SA I will have to face this. (no, I choose to face this)

I will have to stand tall, speak clear and slow, breath deep.
I am also practicing visualization. I am picturing the whole scenario going calm and everything working out well.
These are new coping skills put to action
New learned behavior

Wish me luck
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Old 07-10-2017, 05:27 AM
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Old 07-10-2017, 07:14 PM
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This is for me. I did it! For most of the conversation I came across calm and talked slow and steady. When I felt the anxiety (body tenses, especially shoulder area and upper arms, sick feeling in stomach, things start to seem to close in and the mind starts racing) I caught it and came back to the moment and tried a few deep breaths.

I felt so good about what I had accomplish I even took it to the Honda dealer and had them listen. Now I face tomorrow and the challenge of taking it back to Honda and telling them what I expect. Wow this is so new for me. Okay I want to remember I did this. On my own and I had more control over my own emotions and actions than I expected.

LOL now I am exhausted! New coping skills are work! So worth it!
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Old 07-10-2017, 07:46 PM
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Have to say, you make me say "WOW"!!!!!!! You are doing so well and you are so tenacious. Keep going. You are terrific !!!!!!


I wanted to leave you with something tonight to think about. You really did have a rough life, you used your strong will and determination then to survive what you thought you couldn't. Now that you are using all these skills that you do have to really take care of yourself and do the best that you can for yourself, you're going to shine. I thought about this alot, and I realized I also had strength, I was using it the wrong way, until I needed to use it just for me. You go girl.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Old 07-12-2017, 04:44 PM
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Thanks amy, not feeling so strong today but accepting it's okay. Exhausted after 5 days of dealing with the car and then mistakes in medical insurance. Dealt with it all better than I would have in the past. Had to really work to change my actions and thoughts. I look back 2 years, 1 year and now, and think okay you have done very well. Give yourself credit and don't, don't don't compare your progress and life to anyone else's. (you always fall short) So glad and sad to be out from AH's influence. I really have to stop beating myself up. Hugs to all
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