In rehab and still a burden
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
In rehab and still a burden
I know I get to decide what I'm burdened by. It's my fault that I indulge my sister and I'm burdened.
My sister, a devastatingly bad alcoholic who is in a long-term rehab (hope she stays), keeps asking to send her more stuff and she's only been there for 10 days and can only communicate by letter.
My mother and I washed and packed her stuff for rehab. It's a 6-12 month rehab. She was drunk and couldn't do or pack anything so we did it. My parents and I spent a lot of money at Walmart the night before she left buying her cigarettes, toiletries galore, medicines, case of water, snacks, and more t-shirts and yoga pants and a new pillow and sheets and new pajamas and underwear and on and on. We packed all of the rehab requirements plus more.
She has so many clothes to wear (7-10 pairs of nice jeans/pants, Capri pants, t-shirts of varying sleeve length, nice tops/blouses, cotton dresses, pajamas, robes, sweaters, cardigans, jacket, shoes of every type -- three pairs of nice sneakers, two flip-flops, flats, boots, nice sandals, etc.). Let's just say she is set. She has a full wardrobe and has more than she will need.
She has asked in a couple of letters for us to send her more clothes, more shoes, her hair straightener, good smelling lotion, eyeliner, makeup, etc. She has asked me to send her coffee and Crystal Lite and creamer and notebooks and Word Search books, protein shakes, hair accessories, her "big cup" and straws, her padded bras and on and on.
I ordered her instant coffee, creamer, Splenda, Crystal Lite, notebooks, hairbands, bobby pins, a certain bug repellent that she wanted, etc. online and had it shipped. I ordered her a book from Amazon and had it shipped.
Yesterday I sent her a few more items from her house (minus her hair straightener and eyeliner) and I bought some stuff at the store that she wanted. It's my fault but I caved and bought her tinted moisturizer, a scented lotion set, mascara, lipgloss) I'm not making a moral judgement but a hair straightener seems bizarre. It's not a spa. She has a blowdryer.
I feel bad that I spent more money and bought her makeup. There's nothing wrong with having a little aromatherapy with a scented lotion but she uses this stuff to "attract men". (she already has lotion, face moisturizer, and lip balm there.) She can be obsessed with her looks and from her history of addiction (alcohol, gambling, food, sex) it just doesn't seem helpful to indulge her with eyeliner and hair straighteners and such.
It's an all-female rehab. They have meetings each night at the facility and hey go out on field trips to the community at times to offsite AA meetings. I think she wants to look "pretty" for men when she goes out. Maybe she wants to be the "prettiest" one there. Who knows. She says they must "dress up". This seems odd and unbelievable. She has plenty of presentable clothes. What about the women who have few or no resources? What about the women who are court ordered to this rehab and don't have an extensive wardrobe and cosmetics or family members to buy things? What about just being yourself and trying to get better without worrying about your appearance and approval from strangers? It's freaking odd.
She sent a list to my mom with more requests of more dresses and shoes and asked my mom if she wasn't going to send the items, to please let her know.
She's 42-years-old. She's not away at camp. It doesn't phase her that sending stuff costs money. My parents are paying the monthly fee and I'm putting money in the rehab store plus I'm buying all of this stuff for her and shipping it. I'm done buying and sending stuff. It's funny because I kind of feel guilty because I forgot to ship her damn "big cup" and straws! My mother says let her drink out of the cups they have. My mom isn't sending her anymore things for now.
It's interesting because as I'm running all of these errands for my sister and worrying if she has everything she needs, I don't think she has worried one bit about what I might want or need. She has no qualms about asking for more stuff and expects us to buy it and send it.
I don't have tremendously hard feelings over it because I know she is sick and can't think outside of her addicted brain. But, why should I burden myself by making sure she is uber comfortable? She has never been capable of "suffering" or going without. I think since she was sexually abused as a child, and traumatized, she has coped with spending money on whatever she wants (debt and responsibility be damned) and becoming obsessed with her looks and addiction --drinking, eating, gambling, eating disorders etc.
It's sad but she isn't going to be "fixed" by hair straighteners and more dresses and nice shoes. I pretty much told her so in a note I enclosed in the package I mailed yesterday.
What do you think of this? What if there was nobody to send stuff? She wouldn't die. I told her she has everything she needs and more and being pretty isn't going to make her love herself or get better.
My sister, a devastatingly bad alcoholic who is in a long-term rehab (hope she stays), keeps asking to send her more stuff and she's only been there for 10 days and can only communicate by letter.
My mother and I washed and packed her stuff for rehab. It's a 6-12 month rehab. She was drunk and couldn't do or pack anything so we did it. My parents and I spent a lot of money at Walmart the night before she left buying her cigarettes, toiletries galore, medicines, case of water, snacks, and more t-shirts and yoga pants and a new pillow and sheets and new pajamas and underwear and on and on. We packed all of the rehab requirements plus more.
She has so many clothes to wear (7-10 pairs of nice jeans/pants, Capri pants, t-shirts of varying sleeve length, nice tops/blouses, cotton dresses, pajamas, robes, sweaters, cardigans, jacket, shoes of every type -- three pairs of nice sneakers, two flip-flops, flats, boots, nice sandals, etc.). Let's just say she is set. She has a full wardrobe and has more than she will need.
She has asked in a couple of letters for us to send her more clothes, more shoes, her hair straightener, good smelling lotion, eyeliner, makeup, etc. She has asked me to send her coffee and Crystal Lite and creamer and notebooks and Word Search books, protein shakes, hair accessories, her "big cup" and straws, her padded bras and on and on.
I ordered her instant coffee, creamer, Splenda, Crystal Lite, notebooks, hairbands, bobby pins, a certain bug repellent that she wanted, etc. online and had it shipped. I ordered her a book from Amazon and had it shipped.
Yesterday I sent her a few more items from her house (minus her hair straightener and eyeliner) and I bought some stuff at the store that she wanted. It's my fault but I caved and bought her tinted moisturizer, a scented lotion set, mascara, lipgloss) I'm not making a moral judgement but a hair straightener seems bizarre. It's not a spa. She has a blowdryer.
I feel bad that I spent more money and bought her makeup. There's nothing wrong with having a little aromatherapy with a scented lotion but she uses this stuff to "attract men". (she already has lotion, face moisturizer, and lip balm there.) She can be obsessed with her looks and from her history of addiction (alcohol, gambling, food, sex) it just doesn't seem helpful to indulge her with eyeliner and hair straighteners and such.
It's an all-female rehab. They have meetings each night at the facility and hey go out on field trips to the community at times to offsite AA meetings. I think she wants to look "pretty" for men when she goes out. Maybe she wants to be the "prettiest" one there. Who knows. She says they must "dress up". This seems odd and unbelievable. She has plenty of presentable clothes. What about the women who have few or no resources? What about the women who are court ordered to this rehab and don't have an extensive wardrobe and cosmetics or family members to buy things? What about just being yourself and trying to get better without worrying about your appearance and approval from strangers? It's freaking odd.
She sent a list to my mom with more requests of more dresses and shoes and asked my mom if she wasn't going to send the items, to please let her know.
She's 42-years-old. She's not away at camp. It doesn't phase her that sending stuff costs money. My parents are paying the monthly fee and I'm putting money in the rehab store plus I'm buying all of this stuff for her and shipping it. I'm done buying and sending stuff. It's funny because I kind of feel guilty because I forgot to ship her damn "big cup" and straws! My mother says let her drink out of the cups they have. My mom isn't sending her anymore things for now.
It's interesting because as I'm running all of these errands for my sister and worrying if she has everything she needs, I don't think she has worried one bit about what I might want or need. She has no qualms about asking for more stuff and expects us to buy it and send it.
I don't have tremendously hard feelings over it because I know she is sick and can't think outside of her addicted brain. But, why should I burden myself by making sure she is uber comfortable? She has never been capable of "suffering" or going without. I think since she was sexually abused as a child, and traumatized, she has coped with spending money on whatever she wants (debt and responsibility be damned) and becoming obsessed with her looks and addiction --drinking, eating, gambling, eating disorders etc.
It's sad but she isn't going to be "fixed" by hair straighteners and more dresses and nice shoes. I pretty much told her so in a note I enclosed in the package I mailed yesterday.
What do you think of this? What if there was nobody to send stuff? She wouldn't die. I told her she has everything she needs and more and being pretty isn't going to make her love herself or get better.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, PlentyGood. Your sis, like many addicts, sounds terminally self-focused.
And no, they don't really care how much it costs to send stuff or that it's not always convenient for you.
Because it is all about them, isn't it?
Well, you've done it and it's totally okay to say no.
Just no.
I wonder if these requests she is making is a way to keep you and your mom close to her?
I can't speak to how she is feeling or what she is thinking, but you are entitled to take a break from being sherpa-in-chief.
As you said, she won't die without eyeliner.
And no, they don't really care how much it costs to send stuff or that it's not always convenient for you.
Because it is all about them, isn't it?
Well, you've done it and it's totally okay to say no.
Just no.
I wonder if these requests she is making is a way to keep you and your mom close to her?
I can't speak to how she is feeling or what she is thinking, but you are entitled to take a break from being sherpa-in-chief.
As you said, she won't die without eyeliner.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I'd be inclined to refuse further requests. Then again I would not have sent her a quarter of what you did in the first place. She's in rehab and sending her a ton of stuff is not helping her focus on why she is there. It's a distraction from her issues and by sending her so much you are enabling her.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Pleantygood...I think that Maudcat makes a good point...about this being a way for her to stay close to you and her mom....
Maybe, over time, you and she can find other avenues to relate through....
I hope she stays.....
Maybe, over time, you and she can find other avenues to relate through....
I hope she stays.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you for letting me vent Maudcat and thank you for reply.
Your thoughts are right on.
I can't be sure of her exact motivations as to why she "needs" all of this stuff and keeps asking. She probably thinks she "needs" it to be okay. I can see her being very anxious if her hair and face are not perfect.
She said she feels very homesick already and feels tremendous guilt from the past and uncertainty about her future. In a letter I encouraged her not to feel too homesick --she was drunk all of the time at home, and when she is feeling "guilt", is she thinking of herself (most likely) or other people? And uncertainty about the future? A future would not be possible with drinking because she would be dead.
Oh the trials of dealing with an alcoholic. I see my mistakes all of the time -- buying her stuff, giving advice, etc.
Your thoughts are right on.
I can't be sure of her exact motivations as to why she "needs" all of this stuff and keeps asking. She probably thinks she "needs" it to be okay. I can see her being very anxious if her hair and face are not perfect.
She said she feels very homesick already and feels tremendous guilt from the past and uncertainty about her future. In a letter I encouraged her not to feel too homesick --she was drunk all of the time at home, and when she is feeling "guilt", is she thinking of herself (most likely) or other people? And uncertainty about the future? A future would not be possible with drinking because she would be dead.
Oh the trials of dealing with an alcoholic. I see my mistakes all of the time -- buying her stuff, giving advice, etc.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I understand your frustration. I do want to say that you do have a choice in all of this. You do not have to spend your money on her. You do not have to run errands for her "perceived" needs in rehab. You have chosen to help her in this way. I understand that you would feel "bad" if you didnt help.
That being said, your sister is not your responsibility and it is not your fault that she is in rehab. You owe your sister nothing. She is a 40+ year old woman who can get along just fine with what she currently has in rehab.
You owe it to yourself to put the focus on you and your immediate family.
Why should you burden yourself you ask? Well, why should you? Why did you? Doing something for someone and then being resentful over it is not a healthy road to walk down. Are you able to say no?
She may throw a fit if you say no. The relationship may change. This is inevitable.
I know its easier said than done.
Boundaries and lines that are drawn in the sand. Just an opinion.
That being said, your sister is not your responsibility and it is not your fault that she is in rehab. You owe your sister nothing. She is a 40+ year old woman who can get along just fine with what she currently has in rehab.
You owe it to yourself to put the focus on you and your immediate family.
Why should you burden yourself you ask? Well, why should you? Why did you? Doing something for someone and then being resentful over it is not a healthy road to walk down. Are you able to say no?
She may throw a fit if you say no. The relationship may change. This is inevitable.
I know its easier said than done.
Boundaries and lines that are drawn in the sand. Just an opinion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you Ladybird, dandylion, and Mizzuno.
It is true. She is not my responsibility and it's not my fault. I know that feeling resentful is not a good sign -- that's my codependency in action and I always have to be mindful. I can feel like I need to rescue her because as kids I was a rescuer and her big sister and almost a parent at times. I've done work to leave that role but it can creep up.
Thank you for your replies. They are helpful.
It is true. She is not my responsibility and it's not my fault. I know that feeling resentful is not a good sign -- that's my codependency in action and I always have to be mindful. I can feel like I need to rescue her because as kids I was a rescuer and her big sister and almost a parent at times. I've done work to leave that role but it can creep up.
Thank you for your replies. They are helpful.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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That's a long rehab. I think I can understand her fears.
Maybe getting her stuff calms and comforts her, much as a favorite blankie or toy comforts a little one.
But...as you are finding out, it appears at the moment to be a rather deep and bottomless pit of need.
Here's a thought, and feel free to say "WTH?", but what if you and mom were to keep sending her what she asks for until she stops asking.
Would that maybe be a sign that rehab is taking hold?
Just spitballing here. You know your sister best.
Peace and good thoughts.
Maybe getting her stuff calms and comforts her, much as a favorite blankie or toy comforts a little one.
But...as you are finding out, it appears at the moment to be a rather deep and bottomless pit of need.
Here's a thought, and feel free to say "WTH?", but what if you and mom were to keep sending her what she asks for until she stops asking.
Would that maybe be a sign that rehab is taking hold?
Just spitballing here. You know your sister best.
Peace and good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you. :-) Yes, Maudcat I have thought of that. It is a security for her. It is a long time and she's in a different environment, a different state. When she asked for her hair straightener and her eyeliner my mother said, "This is not a good sign!" I reminded my mother that she was only there for a week and to give it time. She's not going to be transformed overnight (maybe never) and that it takes time. It is true that she may be able to cope and make do as time goes on.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like she has ENOUGH. i am not suggesting she should "make do" with a pair of jeans and 3 sets of undies, but this would be a good time for her to learn about "life on life's terms" and how not to feed the MORE monster.
you are not her personal shopper you are not her maid, hand servant, or UPS driver. even with her NOT there, you are allowing her to consume time, space, energy and money. it's ok to STOP now. you and your dear mom deserve a break!!
you are not her personal shopper you are not her maid, hand servant, or UPS driver. even with her NOT there, you are allowing her to consume time, space, energy and money. it's ok to STOP now. you and your dear mom deserve a break!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pleantygood...I want to convey to you how empathetic I am for how you feel.....
After all, these dynamics were set up when you both were children....when neither of you had control over the situation...
It wasn't fair or ideal for either of you...and it was survival.
I can hear that there is love between you two...even if she is messed up in some ways and you have the co-dependency issue to deal with...
I imagine that it is going to be just as hard for you to change as it will be for her....
Maybe, you all can get to a point where you can discuss your childhood situations with each other...in the future....and, come to a greater understanding and acceptance of each other.....
After all, these dynamics were set up when you both were children....when neither of you had control over the situation...
It wasn't fair or ideal for either of you...and it was survival.
I can hear that there is love between you two...even if she is messed up in some ways and you have the co-dependency issue to deal with...
I imagine that it is going to be just as hard for you to change as it will be for her....
Maybe, you all can get to a point where you can discuss your childhood situations with each other...in the future....and, come to a greater understanding and acceptance of each other.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi PG, her dependency is holding her back. What if you and your mother had just sent the insect repellant and held back on the vanity stuff? She would have been forced to cope without what she perceives as 'needs' and she'd have survived, and been stronger and more self-confident as a result. That would have happened with very little risk to herself.
Maybe you're worried she'll think you don't care, but you can still show that in other ways. Personally I've found my sometimes painful periods of self-reliance have been the ones where I've grown stronger and my self-esteem has increased as a result.
Maybe you're worried she'll think you don't care, but you can still show that in other ways. Personally I've found my sometimes painful periods of self-reliance have been the ones where I've grown stronger and my self-esteem has increased as a result.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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People often seek easy ways to acquire external validation. Using beauty to validate one's self-value is such a dangerous thing because it only lasts so long. Your sister is in her forties AND she's in rehab so she's in an especially vulnerable place. Just as she relied on the alcohol to buck her up, she probably relied on makeup to boost her self-confidence.
This is a time for her to dig deep within herself to find her own validation. Her desire for makeup may very well be yet another attempt to seek external validation because she feels that she doesn't have a leg to stand on. The makeup is a crutch. She's in rehab, not the Miss America pageant.
If I were in your shoes, just send her the insect repellant. If she asks about the makeup, tell her that you didn't have the time to get it. If she pushes, you can either 1) tell her that if the staff believes that this is an urgent issue you are more than happy to speak to them or 2) just say no.
PS. I have a sister too who can be relentless about asking about this that or the other. I know how hard it can be.
This is a time for her to dig deep within herself to find her own validation. Her desire for makeup may very well be yet another attempt to seek external validation because she feels that she doesn't have a leg to stand on. The makeup is a crutch. She's in rehab, not the Miss America pageant.
If I were in your shoes, just send her the insect repellant. If she asks about the makeup, tell her that you didn't have the time to get it. If she pushes, you can either 1) tell her that if the staff believes that this is an urgent issue you are more than happy to speak to them or 2) just say no.
PS. I have a sister too who can be relentless about asking about this that or the other. I know how hard it can be.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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"It's sad but she isn't going to be "fixed" by hair straighteners and more dresses and nice shoes. I pretty much told her so in a note I enclosed in the package I mailed yesterday."
yes, you told her and STILL shipped a bunch of crap
"What do you think of this? What if there was nobody to send stuff?"
what i think of it is you are doing a fine job of enabling and practicing codependency.
stay in YOUR disease and you WILL get sicker.
its a family disease and i hope YOu get help
a rehab that doesnt have the necessities for life.
never heard of it.
"In rehab and still a burden"
who's allowing that to occur?
yes, you told her and STILL shipped a bunch of crap
"What do you think of this? What if there was nobody to send stuff?"
what i think of it is you are doing a fine job of enabling and practicing codependency.
stay in YOUR disease and you WILL get sicker.
its a family disease and i hope YOu get help
a rehab that doesnt have the necessities for life.
never heard of it.
"In rehab and still a burden"
who's allowing that to occur?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, PG,
I wouldn't be sending her anything but reasonable essentials, and maybe a small gift-box unrelated to her demands that you get her this and that. Alcoholics need to learn humility, not have everyone running around to prop up their fragile self-esteem. The world doesn't revolve around any one of us. Yes, looking pretty is nice. Let her take care of that AFTER she's laid the groundwork to STAY pretty. Because alcohol takes years off your looks. If you really want to help your sister, you let her know that you love her, and you don't feed the other symptoms of her alcoholism. She'll get well or she won't, but getting the right makeup while she's in rehab will not help her.
I wouldn't be sending her anything but reasonable essentials, and maybe a small gift-box unrelated to her demands that you get her this and that. Alcoholics need to learn humility, not have everyone running around to prop up their fragile self-esteem. The world doesn't revolve around any one of us. Yes, looking pretty is nice. Let her take care of that AFTER she's laid the groundwork to STAY pretty. Because alcohol takes years off your looks. If you really want to help your sister, you let her know that you love her, and you don't feed the other symptoms of her alcoholism. She'll get well or she won't, but getting the right makeup while she's in rehab will not help her.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I was one of those who had to always
look my best, not a hair out of place,
makeup always, so rigid in all I did.
While in my 28 day rehab stay, yes,
I had my makeup to make sure I always
looked my best at each group meeting.
Then it was time for each of us to
present our step work when I was
asked to return to the next group
session without makeup.
I thought about it and thought about
it and still couldn't completely go makeup
free because each time id look into
the mirror, I didn't like the ugliness
I saw looking back at me.
Maybe it was just the way I was brought
up, constantly laughed at, made fun of
in school because I wore glasses, had
buck teeth, horrible complexion, just
aweful. Then had a mom who worked
as a top notch cosmetician, always made
up, sick with her own demons, dr.jeckle/
mr. hyde, i followed in a similar path as
having everything and everyone soooo
perfect.
Alcohol allowed me to learn how to
better myself giving me the confidence
to look perfect on the outside, a distorted
view of myself and yet i was totally
messed up in my mind.
The point of that exercise in rehab to
leave off the makeup was to help me
learn how to remove the fake mask i
was hiding behind and allow others
to see the real beauty of me inside and
out.
That i didn't need to pretend any longer
or be a people pleaser. That lesson took
time as i continued to learn and work thru
the steps, stripping away those false layers
i had built up around myself.
Today, it is very hard for me to return
to putting make up on. I have that freedom
now of not hiding any longer and can
allow folks to see me on a daily bases
as the true me inside and out.
I now wear a smile on my face and
humility and gratefulness in my heart.
look my best, not a hair out of place,
makeup always, so rigid in all I did.
While in my 28 day rehab stay, yes,
I had my makeup to make sure I always
looked my best at each group meeting.
Then it was time for each of us to
present our step work when I was
asked to return to the next group
session without makeup.
I thought about it and thought about
it and still couldn't completely go makeup
free because each time id look into
the mirror, I didn't like the ugliness
I saw looking back at me.
Maybe it was just the way I was brought
up, constantly laughed at, made fun of
in school because I wore glasses, had
buck teeth, horrible complexion, just
aweful. Then had a mom who worked
as a top notch cosmetician, always made
up, sick with her own demons, dr.jeckle/
mr. hyde, i followed in a similar path as
having everything and everyone soooo
perfect.
Alcohol allowed me to learn how to
better myself giving me the confidence
to look perfect on the outside, a distorted
view of myself and yet i was totally
messed up in my mind.
The point of that exercise in rehab to
leave off the makeup was to help me
learn how to remove the fake mask i
was hiding behind and allow others
to see the real beauty of me inside and
out.
That i didn't need to pretend any longer
or be a people pleaser. That lesson took
time as i continued to learn and work thru
the steps, stripping away those false layers
i had built up around myself.
Today, it is very hard for me to return
to putting make up on. I have that freedom
now of not hiding any longer and can
allow folks to see me on a daily bases
as the true me inside and out.
I now wear a smile on my face and
humility and gratefulness in my heart.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Send it or not. It won't make much difference. She's in early days of recovery, her main crutch for dealing with life and how she feels about herself has been taken from her, and until she's learned how to use the tools of recovery to help her deal with life on life's terms it is fairly natural that she will scrabble around trying to find and hold onto that elusive Thing that will make her feel better. None of the stuff you have already sent will do that for her. None of the stuff you could send in the future will do that for her, and none of the stuff you or your mum or life deny her would do that for her either. But she doesn't know that yet. The good news is that what they can teach her there CAN help. Will bring serenity. Will help her understand her grappling, her fear and her ego. Like you say, let's just hope she stays and has the willingness to listen and learn.
Now. What about you? While she is out of the way and you have that time and space and know she is safe, what more could you do to tackle your own issues that are causing her requests to be problematic to you? Because even if our alcoholic loved ones get sober and are in recovery, there will always be other people and situations that can ding our codie bells if we don't work on our own recovery.
Wishing you and your sister all the best for your respective recoveries.
BB
Now. What about you? While she is out of the way and you have that time and space and know she is safe, what more could you do to tackle your own issues that are causing her requests to be problematic to you? Because even if our alcoholic loved ones get sober and are in recovery, there will always be other people and situations that can ding our codie bells if we don't work on our own recovery.
Wishing you and your sister all the best for your respective recoveries.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you all for replies and advice. I appreciate it.
aasharon90 thank you for sharing. That is beautiful.
My sister and I are very close. We are only siblings and have talked about our childhood and past ad nauseam. I was always a talker, a sharer. I wanted to "fix myself" and was always sharing my story in an effort to help myself, I suppose. There were times when I shared because I was caught in a victim role, but apart from that I was pleading for help in a way. I was of the mind if I talked it about enough maybe I would find a solution.
I've done therapy, codependence support groups, ACoA groups, etc. They helped me a lot. My sister is not much of a talker/sharer. I think it's because she has suffered massive trauma, she copes by obliviating. For years I called her in pain about my childhood. I used her as a sounding board. She never shared her trauma with me until recently. She would talk to me about other stuff -- our parents, her boyfriends, her ex-husband but never the big trauma. She has skirted around that and kept it a secret her entire life.
It is true, part of me wants to send her that stuff to show her I care. It's something I have to work on.
Yes. Exactly. Thank you all.
aasharon90 thank you for sharing. That is beautiful.
My sister and I are very close. We are only siblings and have talked about our childhood and past ad nauseam. I was always a talker, a sharer. I wanted to "fix myself" and was always sharing my story in an effort to help myself, I suppose. There were times when I shared because I was caught in a victim role, but apart from that I was pleading for help in a way. I was of the mind if I talked it about enough maybe I would find a solution.
I've done therapy, codependence support groups, ACoA groups, etc. They helped me a lot. My sister is not much of a talker/sharer. I think it's because she has suffered massive trauma, she copes by obliviating. For years I called her in pain about my childhood. I used her as a sounding board. She never shared her trauma with me until recently. She would talk to me about other stuff -- our parents, her boyfriends, her ex-husband but never the big trauma. She has skirted around that and kept it a secret her entire life.
It is true, part of me wants to send her that stuff to show her I care. It's something I have to work on.
Send it or not. It won't make much difference. She's in early days of recovery, her main crutch for dealing with life and how she feels about herself has been taken from her, and until she's learned how to use the tools of recovery to help her deal with life on life's terms it is fairly natural that she will scrabble around trying to find and hold onto that elusive Thing that will make her feel better.
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Wow pg, you sure your sister and mine aren't the same person? I'm going to have to call you on the "she's in a new environment and wants to be comfortable" statement. What she is requiring from you both is wayyyy over the top and done without ANY gratitude or thoughts of your time and expense. The excuses given that there was sexual molestation is BS also. My sister and I both were and we are completely 180 degree opposites- me, mindful of other people's thoughts and feelings, kind, caring, and gracious. She: selfish, entitled, mean, bully, and manipulative. And her alcoholism goes right along with those traits. She is that person with or without alcohol. I finally went no contact about 4 years ago. Look up Narcissistic Prrsonality Disorder. It may or may not pertain to your sister, but it sure does mine.
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