MarieCat

It has been a month now since I kicked him out.
His family say he has cut right back with his drinking - but if this really is the case it wont last - it never does.
Apparently he has a new woman - no surprises there I guess.
Things are so much better at home - the kids are much happier, engaged and settled. We don't have to walk on eggshells anymore!
I am still revelling in doing what I want to do without having to answer to anyone, or deal with the ramifications of choosing to do something other than what he wanted me to do.
There is no attention seeking, angry words and behaviour, arguments and fights. The house is so peaceful - and also a lot tidier!
I am just struggling with feeling like I have been discarded and immediately replaced - like all the decades we had together didn't mean stuff all. Like I am dispensable and didn't really count in the first place.
Is this normal behaviour for men? For alcoholics? For anyone?
Any suggestions on how I can overcome these feelings? All help would be appreciated here......

LexieCat

Hey, Marie,

What a terrific update! I think it's not at all unusual for an alcoholic to try to find someone who will provide all the good feelings of a relationship without any of the tension. The new partner hasn't endured what you have. When the rosy glow of the new wears off, though, the bottom line is that the new partner will be getting the same crap you did.

I don't know your entire history with your ex, but alcoholism changes people, often quite profoundly. So I wouldn't assume that you "didn't really count in the first place." Alcoholism is like a cancer--it eats away at the good.

The bottom line is that his behavior is no reflection on you, or your worth. I'm so happy you and the kiddos have some peace in your home right now! My own suggestion is that you work on exploring the parts of you that you probably gave up under the stress of living in an alcoholic relationship. You're already seeing some of the benefits of living on your own. I've had a great time being single and exploring interests that I had either given up or never taken the time to explore.

Hugs!

SoloMio

I agree with LexieCat that his behavior in finding a "replacement" is no reflection at all on his feelings about you or your relationship. He simply NEEDS someone to prop him up--or if he's narcissistic, to provide narcissistic supply. So you're no longer there to do that? Time to fill in the blank.

I know my AH dreads being alone. When our marriage was on the brink, he was already shopping around anticipating my leaving. He had to have someone in the wings. I know it sounds really bizarre, but I didn't take it personally. I understood that that's just who he is, an alcoholic with severe abandonment issues, afraid to be alone.

Enjoy your new peaceful life!! So happy for you and the kids!

MarieCat

SoloMio you hit the nail on the head. About 9 years ago he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder - which he promptly decided was a load of rubbish.
And what tipped me over the edge and helped me make the decision to kick him out was finding he was looking for women on sex hook up websites. He knew I was disliking him more and more and tolerating less and less.
It still hurts though!!! II wish I could be like you and not take it personally.

SoloMio

I'm not saying I wasn't angry, or in disbelief at his crassness, but I was somehow able to compartmentalize.

Just work on knowing that it's no reflection of you at all. It's like that fable about the scorpion and the frog: It's just their nature.

dandylion

MarieCat...why not be proud that you valued yourself enough to kick him out. That looks like progress for you....

LexieCat

Here's something that might help you feel a LITTLE bit better about it. There are tons of women here on this forum, and those I've encountered professionally, who are tormented day and night by the alcoholic ex who will NOT LET GO. They are stalked, manipulated, strung along, only to receive the same treatment--or worse--when they relent and return to the relationship.

You are SPARED all that drama. I'm not minimizing your pain, but honestly, yours WILL heal, and maybe relatively quickly--certainly quickly compared to those who remain enmeshed in the slow, lingering pain of the never-ending breakup. Give yourself some time to grieve and to process. You won't feel this way forever. Eventually you will begin to realize that what he does has ZERO to do with you, and you will be grateful that you are out of the insanity.

Optimist4ever57

First, what you are feeling is normal. My ex- walked out on me with another woman days before our 15th anniversary. This was his 3rd marriage and he ended the first 2 the exact same way. He was an alcoholic (hadn't had a drink in 16 years) but never changed his mo when it came to wives.

I was despondent and profoundly depressed. Self-medicating didn't help, nor did the vast amount of mood stabilizers a psychiatrist prescribed for me. I was able to get into our church's recovery group (not just for drugs/alcohol - most of the women had emotional scars) and it was there, (after nearly 18 months) that I was finally able to be free of the pain.

I highly recommend some sort of therapy, group if possible. You are not alone and it will get better.

Keeping you in my thoughts, Marie. Hugs...

Optimist4ever57

My ex was as well...

Ladybird579

I was also gobsmacked at how quickly my exah found himself a new lady friend once we split up. I quickly worked out he needed her to survive as he had no coping skills of his own. It didn't last. We've been divorced 3 years now and many women have come and gone in his life. As soon as he shows who he really is it all falls apart for him. He's alone at the moment after trying out a same sex relationship for a while.

I was hurt and angy in the beginning but it's part of how he is...he can't remember me in the early days...20 years is long time in an active alcoholic's life. His bond with me broke as drink took hold. I was nothing to him well before the end of our marriage and noone has been anything to him since..not even his own children. It's how it is...nothing to do with how I am.

TropicalWinter

It takes time to work through those feelings. I was cheated on and abandoned by my AH - he apparently found a better enabler who is also an alcoholic. It SUCKS. But I'm learning that he did me a FAVOR by leaving.

SmallButMighty

My ex also hooked up with another woman VERY shortly after we split up. We were still cohabitating at the time. It was shocking and painful. When I questioned him about how he could so easily hop to another person after 26 years of monogamy he gave me an angry, spat out message bout being a man and having needs ( He was drunk and nasty and used MUCH more vulgar terms).... it really hurt thinking that was all I must have been to him.

I've heard it said, "codependents mourn, addicts replace".... that seems to hold true in many cases as it is a pretty common theme here on these boards.

I now know, that even though I felt so easily replaced and meaningless , it wasn't true.

The truth is he was/is using her the same way and for the same reason he uses vodka...and as an added bonus for him, she is his drinking buddy. They blame their financial woes on me... after all we mustn't blame the exorbitant cost of alcohol in Canada ( $1 an oz for bottom shelf liquor) or the fact that he broke the court order mandating that he must pay spousal support which resulted in liens on his property and the family maintenance program people breathing down his neck...

As everyone else has said.... they do what they do, and the sooner we realize they aren't doing it at us or because of us the more peaceful we can feel.

Hugs Marie.... it gets easier. Try and just bask in the peace and serenity that exists in your home now.

merhaba

Very timely for me - although I seem to have been replaced before he left! and he has had another one since then too...although apparently nobody matters like I do....but in his words - he is not a decent man and I would be better off without him...true but I wouldhave been even better off if I never met him.

He has very low self esteem and no real status amongst his peers so he likes to befriend younger people (often couples) where he can play the big man - obviously it is not just couples - but anyone he can flatter and boost his ego with - and drink what he likes of course, something he can't do with me.
Do they all have secret, double lives and how low can they go?

and how do I get back from this.....

Ariesagain

Codependents mourn, addicts replace.

I use the analogy of the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" where the aliens took over the brains of the humans. The humans looked the same, they sounded the same, but they were just shells. Addiction does the same thing.

I'm so sorry for your pain but I'm very glad you have fought your way to a better life for yourself and your children. They're so lucky to have you in their corner.

Sending you a hug.

hopeful4

Yes, it is very normal behavior.

You can get over it by giving it time, having a face to face support group, and therapy.

Hugs to you.

tomsteve

its NOT normal behavior for men. it CAN be for men that are practicing alcoholics/addicts and theres even men like that with no history of drug or alcohol abuse.personal experience shows me it hold true for women,too. i have a bad picker and found that out a time or 3.
but its not normal


how to overcome the feelings.
hhhhmmm....maybe change up the perception:
you kicked out an adult child with Narcissistic Personality Disorder that caused you( and prolly the kids,too?) to walk on eggshells,was looking for women on sex hook up websites, you were
disliking him more and more and tolerating less and less,and now


Things are so much better at home - the kids are much happier, engaged and settled. We don't have to walk on eggshells anymore!I am still revelling in doing what I want to do without having to answer to anyone, or deal with the ramifications of choosing to do something other than what he wanted me to do.

you feel you have been discarded- ok,go back up and read WHAT discarded you.
would ya feel bad iffen ya got rid of,oooohhh,,,i dont know, an STD? because that,imo, is what ya tossed to the curb.
it reads like a big huge blessing from this end of the computer.

rae145

I am just struggling with feeling like I have been discarded and immediately replaced - like all the decades we had together didn't mean stuff all. Like I am dispensable and didn't really count in the first place.
Is this normal behaviour for men? For alcoholics? For anyone?
Any suggestions on how I can overcome these feelings? All help would be appreciated here......

I was very quickly replaced after 32 years of marriage. It's hard not to feel like I was disposable. When I think back on it though, I was always second set. I was never first. That stings! I regret I stayed so long.
I think the trick to overcoming is to stay busy, don't deny your feelings or how you were treated in the relationship, and time. This week will be a yr since I found out he had someone else. It's been a tough Fricking year, but it gets better and better.

MarieCat

Thanks everyone - your responses really do help. I found out the new love of his life is an unemployed boozer just like him. My ex is having money thrown at him from his Dad so he can pay rent, sleep in every morning and spend his day revolving around a bottle. He finally pleaded not guilty to breach of protection order today, which means it goes to trial and me and the kids will probably have to go on the witness stand. Oh yay. And apparently him and his dad are taking legal action against me over finances - they say I should be paying him rent. Which might be fair if he contributed to the mortgage etc- but he doesn't! I am paying everything!!!! Why do they have to get so nasty - it feels like they want revenge or something. I just don't understand!

StartAnew68

Typical control-freak behaviour.

You are well shot of him x