Seren

Hi Sasha,

In practical terms, what others here have done in the past is have a trusted friend read the e-mails they receive from an ex and just relay the pertinent information. That person could also forward all of them to your attorney as needed. Plus, you would not have to be stressed reading through his e-mails.

Would that be possible for you?

Fly N Buy

As you've posted;

Last week ex tried to pick up Kid from school while very drunk, staff and parent prevented him, police were called, I'm irate.


Yesterday Kid had her martial arts competition at 7.30 in the morning, and her dad (my alcoholic ex) showed up on time. Good! He smelled like a distillery and his hands were shaking the whole time

drunk driving, meth-addict girlfriend, cops called to Kid's school, psych-ward stints, child protection investigations, failed rehab

I am sure you'll do everything you can to protect your child.

Sasha1972

^^^ You're absolutely right. If he could moderate his drinking around Kid, he would be moderating it already and would be avoiding incidents like the above.

It's amazing how obvious that is, and yet I can still get drawn into thinking "okay, maybe I'm just catastrophizing and it's not actually that bad ...".

LexieCat

No, I think "catastrophizing," in this situation, would be to say, "OMG, he's so smooth and so clever, the judge is going to believe everything he says and ignore my mountains of evidence about the dangers he poses to my child and let her go live with him and his meth-head g/f 24/7 for the rest of our lives and I'll never see her again and she will hate me forever for being mean to her dad...," yada yada. THAT is catastrophizing. You are seeing things clearly and rationally--you simply aren't trusting your own power and intelligence here. Personally, I think you are one of the most sensible, well-balanced parents I've ever seen on this forum in terms of your ability to carefully think things through and take effective, well-considered action. You ROCK. Give yourself more credit, why dontcha?

SaveHer

Every single time I read your posts, Sasha, your ex doesn't just remind me of mine, he's the stinking mirror image!

I've heard the same lines, nearly verbatim:

"I'm not an alcoholic. I don't like labels. I just use alcohol to self-medicate when I'm stressed out."

"The only reason I tell you I'll quit or tell you I'll go to AA is because you don't leave me any choice. I don't think I need it. I'm just trying to keep you happy. Why won't you just let me be me?"

And I, too, have questioned my gut even when I KNOW it is all utter BS. Good for you for deciding to hold the line about his drinking. We gotta protect the kiddos.

hopeful4

I would also add that he cannot have her anywhere alcohol is consumed (restaurants, etc), and that he not have any contact with her while he is under the influence of alcohol or any RX drugs in excess of what he is prescribed, including by phone or text. You don't want drunken, rambling texts and calls.

I have in my decree that I can request for him to be tested, and that if the test fails, he has to pay for it. I wish I had went for Sober Link and if I were you would fight tooth and nail for it.

Amazingly, this does not stop him from drinking, but it slows him WAY down, and gives me the right to pick my child up and remove her should any of these things happen.

Sasha1972

OMG, exactly the same thing! The drinking is explained away as just being situational ("I was under extraordinary stress", "I'm dealing with a lot of trauma from my childhood right now", "I do not consider myself an addict, I was self-medicating while working through some difficult personal issues"), rather than acknowledged as a problem in its own right. After years of trying to understand this, I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if the drinking is because of "circumstances" rather than "real addiction", because

a) if your response to "circumstances" is to drink a whole bunch of alcohol, that's a problem.
b) if these "circumstances" seem to arise all the time, that's a problem.

Ex has also told my lawyer (that's not a typo - my lawyer, not his) that he only told me he was trying to quit in order to "appease" me and get me off his case, but because alcohol is not his primary problem, he does not think any commitment to abstinence is necessary.

I too keep questioning my gut instincts and am often on the edge of giving in and believing him - but having kept a written log from the past year really helps, I can read it and remind myself that anyone who has pulled all that crap really has a problem with addiction and mental illness, no matter what he says. SR and a couple of close friends who knew the score are also really helpful in reminding me what he says cannot be trusted, and that as an addict who is still using, his first priority is his addiction. I have to be the one who makes Kid a priority because he's not going to, despite what he says.

SaveHer

Oh, if he is anything like my AXBF (and clearly they are one and the same), he is DEFINITELY not prioritizing your daughter.

I wonder if your ex does the whole selective amnesia thing, too. For example, after I found seven empty bottles of vodka hidden in the garage, I confronted AXBF with the bottles gathered in a bag. Our daughter was only three weeks old at the time. He seemed remorseful, admitted to having a drinking problem, and agreed to go to counseling. But as time passed, the minimizing began: "It wasn't seven bottles," "I wasn't drinking every day," and "I never did it around our daughter." Magically, one week after being caught, he no longer had a drinking problem and resented the idea of going to counseling. A part of me actually believed him, even with my instincts raging inside of me to wake the F up!

Even when other people can see it, it's hard to listen to my intuition and trust my innate knowing. My aunt said she smelled alcohol on his breath in the hospital the day our daughter was born, an allegation he vehemently denies. He assured me he wasn't drinking at that point, only in the weeks after she was born and it became "stressful." And then the universe has its way of slapping me on the face to wake the F up! Just yesterday, I found three bottles of vodka and a receipt hidden in a remote corner of the back yard. The date on the receipt? A week before she was born.

My point is this: don't let him bamboozle you. I have a lot of shame over how disgustingly naive I was with AXBF, but no one is pulling the wool over my eyes anymore. It's ALL for my daughter now, hence my username.