How to deal with the hidden bottles and lies 😔

Old 07-06-2017, 08:28 PM
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How to deal with the hidden bottles and lies 😔

Hey all im a newbie to this i just git married in April to my wonderdul husband....but he had a secret i never knew about, i knew he drank a bit, so do i .... but not to the extent he does 3/4 of the glass is vodka.... 1/4 lemonade....
Amd now im finding the empty hidden bottles....i just found 3 1litre bottles hidden in the wardrobe that were not there last week. Last time i confronted him he denied it and said they were old bottles. Be justifyirs that he is in pain and thats why he drinks...but that does not account for the hidden bottles when he is drinking almost a litre a day already
I dont know what to do we were supposed to be starting an amazing new life together. he always rells me he loves me and just wanted me to be happy..... this is not makong me happy this is making me wonder if i made a mistake.
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Old 07-06-2017, 11:44 PM
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Newwife, as someone who remained married to an alcoholic for 24 years, sadly it sounds to me like you have made a mistake. Like I tell my children (one who is an adult and one who shortly will be) watch and believe what people do not what they SAY.
My X husband showed me who he was on our honeymoon: a whiny, entitled, spoiled brat and an alcoholic. I ignored his bad behavior, naively believing that together, we would work it out, conquer the world and that eventually, when he grew up, he'd cut down or stop the heavy drinking. He didn't. I was miserable with him for many years. He's still necking liters and liters of cheap (really cheap, like monkey p'ss cheap) wine every single day of his life and blaming me for it.

If I could talk to my young, newly married, whole life in front of me self from all those years ago, I'd tell her to RUN. Leg it out of there.

What does your gut tell you to do about your situation?
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Old 07-07-2017, 12:43 AM
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My story is similar to yours. I had no idea my partner was drinking Literally the day after the wedding, I discovered his secret by running across empty bottles just like you.

I had typed out a long response, but it went poof when I tried to submit so I will just say you are not alone. It was so hard for me when everyone was congratulating me and I was supposed to be do happy, but inside I was shattered.
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Old 07-07-2017, 03:23 AM
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Hi, and welcome. I'm sure this is a shock, and I will say this--If you wouldn't have married him under these circumstances, there is nothing wrong with getting out now. Staying for the sake of not wanting to admit something is very wrong can keep you trapped.

Whatever you do, practice good birth control. Everything becomes immeasurably more complicated once there are children involved, and growing up with an alcoholic parent can be devastating to children.

You don't have to decide anything this minute. But you should know that alcoholism is progressive, and this situation will inevitably become worse over time.

Virtually EVERY alcoholic lies about his/her drinking. It isn't personal, however much it may feel that way. But my guess is that he will be resistant to the idea that he has to quit drinking for good, which is the only effective solution. He may make a lot of promises to "control" his drinking, but for alcoholics that is an effort doomed to failure.

I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism, just so you know more about what you are dealing with, and also that you find an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for family/friends of alcoholics. It will help you to keep the focus on you so you don't make yourself crazy and you can keep a clear head so you can make good decisions about what you want for your future.
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Old 07-07-2017, 04:38 AM
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Hi new wife,

This must have come as a terrible shock for you - allow yourself time to absorb the facts and like others have suggested read as much as you can on the subject.
I find this place (and also counselling) a huge help in processing everything that comes with being married to an addict.
I discovered my AH's problem 13 months after we married, spent the next few years trying to fix it all up and get us back on track...
Now, we've been officially separated 6 months - have another 6 until I can begin divorce proceedings - very difficult but easier than a lifetime of living with an addict from what I've read and heard - very best wishes to you
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Old 07-07-2017, 04:40 AM
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It sounds like your new husband is an alcoholic. One sign is finding hidden bottles everywhere. If you ask an addict about their problem, they will lie about it. It's part of the disease. I imagine that what you have discovered is only the tip of the iceberg. I suggest you do what LexieCat suggested and learn about addiction as much as you can. I know its hard to not take these things personally but ALL addicts lie about their problems.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...y-addicts-lie/
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:15 AM
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this is not makong me happy this is making me wonder if i made a mistake.

To be blunt, yes a big mistake was made but that doesn’t mean you need to continue making more.

This guy lied to you probably from the very beginning. Sounds like you didn’t date for a long enough period of time to see the “real” him before jumping into getting married.

Any relationship build on deceit is built to crumble and will never stand the test of time.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:27 AM
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it sounds like "married under false pretenses" fits your situation. what you are learning now is that your husband has a very big problem, one that he has had a long time. and it will not get better without massive work on his part. getting married didn't stop him.....you being in his life didn't stop him. he lied and deceived you. you didn't sign up for this.

i'm really sorry.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:34 AM
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Hi, Newwife. Welcome. Sorry for your situation., which, sadly, is not an uncommon one here.
Agree with others that the time to go is now, while it is still relatively easy.
Life with an alcohol dependent or addicted person is a life full of pain, frustration, sadness, and anger.
It is also an economic money pit that you will likely be funding.
Good luck. Keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on.
Peace.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:37 AM
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Newwife,

I am sorry you are making these realizations about your new husband.

When we were 20years old we married, I knew he drank... I did too... I had no idea what kind of hell my life would spiral into due to his alcoholism and my subsequent codependence.

At 22 we had our first baby and then at 26 when I was pregnant with our second child, was when I realized he was an alcoholic... it took more than another decade before I showed up here at SoberRecovery...when I showed up here, I was looking for answers about what *I* could do to help HIM... it took me more years yet to realize I could NOT help him. No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much good there had been in our lives, no matter how much we "looked" like the perfect family... we were beyond broken...both as a couple and as individuals.... I had driven myself crazy trying to fix him. I am not kidding, my mental and emotional health were destroyed. I didn't trust him and I didn't even trust myself any more. I was an anxiety ridden mess.

I am here to tell you it is impossible to fix an addict. Only they can make that choice and only they can do the work to make their sobriety possible.

YOU can learn about erecting and enforcing personal boundaries.
YOU can educate yourself about alcoholism/addiction
YOU can learn about codependence....I resisted this and it was what I needed the most. After all, "it wasnt ME who had a problem it was him!"....WRONG!!! I very much had a problem and I was the only one who could fix that. I did that with the support of people here at SoberRecovery ( Mostly other posters because I read way more than I ever posted) and books like , Codependent No More- by Melody Beattie.

Good luck Newwife, you are among people who understand what you are going through. I hope you stick around and learn some important things about making YOUR life happier and easier.

Hugs
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Old 07-07-2017, 07:38 AM
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BTW, I knew my second husband was an alcoholic; I married him after a fairly brief period of sobriety, following a near-death experience as a result of his alcoholism. When he immediately went back to drinking, I stuck around for only a few months. I moved out and divorced him a short time later. As far as I know he is still drinking himself to death.

I didn't hate him, I felt compassion for him, but I was NOT going through another deathbed vigil for something he was refusing to address.
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Old 07-07-2017, 10:10 AM
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I married my husband right out of college. He was always "the guy" that drank too much at parties, but everyone drinks a lot in college right? I knew his drinking existed, I just didn't know how big of a problem it would continue to be. 11years, 2 kids later it is still a problem. I have moved out and started the divorce process. I feel blind and wish I would have recognized all this before I got married and before I had kids with him (but I love my kids obviously!!!). I wouldn't waste your time if I were you.
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Old 07-07-2017, 11:08 AM
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Newwife you have my sympathy - it must be a big shock to discover that the person you married has been concealing this from you. Would you have married him if you had known about the extent of his drinking problem which he kept hidden? If the answer is "no", then I think you are justified in leaving now. (Other posters have said this too). Sadly, unless your husband is committed to stopping drinking and is working with a recovery program, he is probably going to just continue and you'll find more and more hidden bottles.

You don't have to decide to divorce him - but you might want to consider moving out for a trial period. This is no way to start a marriage.
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Old 07-07-2017, 11:33 AM
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There is good news and bad news. The bad is that you did make a mistake and he is an alcoholic-- nobody does what he does that isn't an alcoholic (and you know it). The good is you are early in the marriage and it's easy to get out if you want to get out.

One thing-- you are here because you know something is wrong and you know you made a mistake. Please, please, please keep an open mind as you read the responses to your post.

It goes from not too late to too late very, very fast. If he does not immediately admit to you and others he is an alcoholic, and he does not immediately seek a course of treatment through AA, Rehab, etc., and then fully commit to it, in my opinion the next several years of your life will be hell, and you'll never get them back.

Also, and for the love of all that is good and decent in this world, please do not bring a child into an environment with an alcoholic father. That would not be an act of love-- it would be a monumental act of selfishness and WILL NOT get him sober. My wife started drinking when our daughter was three and our daughters childhood, despite my best efforts, was nightmarish.

I'll not say more and wish you the absolute best.

Save yourself.

Cyranoak
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Old 07-07-2017, 11:48 AM
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Yeah my xAW used the pain justification as well for drinking early on, it was the only thing that "helped with headaches." Also found hidden bottles when she realized I was starting to get worried about her drinking, that was at year two. Leave before kids, if your new husband is already lying about drinking you have nothing but pain ahead of you, very low odds of him recovering.
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Old 07-08-2017, 12:28 AM
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I'm sorry...finding those hidden bottles is scary. Been there....it's fear mixed with feeling deceived, although it's nothing personal. It hurts a lot though and terrifying to deal with so I suggest going to Alanon for some support.
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Old 07-08-2017, 06:05 AM
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My exah also hid the fact he was an alcoholic until after we had married. I didn't actually work it out until we had had twin boys and by then it was way too late. We went through 20 years of hell before we finally divorced. You have a chance to get out now before things get worse.
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Old 07-08-2017, 02:00 PM
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Hi Newwife, It's funny you posted this today. I have been living with an AB for 13 years. I have, at this very moment, an empty tequila bottle in my bathroom closet, in the credenza, in the linen closet, 4 empty beer bottles in each drawer of his office desk (six drawers), and several empties in the garage. He has promised me over and over and over again that he was going to stop, but has never SHOWN me that he was going to stop. Unfortunately, I'm not able to leave him yet, but the second I can, I will. I can tell you honestly, it's a sh** life. The walking on eggshells, the worry at all hours, the moods, the blame, the anger. It can consume you if you let it. I typically don't write such strong sentiments to people on here, but I think you need to go. JMO
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Old 07-08-2017, 02:35 PM
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Sadly 25+ years here. Wish I had left sooner. Al-Anon did help and allow me to listen and talk to others that were dealing with it. I have to say, though I couldn't change/help him I did learn some useful skills to live a better life for myself. I see I need to go back to them and maybe back to the meetings. Listening to others at a few meetings might help. My heart goes out to you. Read though the posts and see what you can glean from others experience.
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Old 07-08-2017, 03:53 PM
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Please know that you don't have to deal with the craziness of lies and hidden bottles - that's no way to live.

In an alcoholic's mind, lies about drinking don't even really count as lies as they think the drinking is their business, not yours. Begging, pleading reasoning - a similar effect can be had by literally talking to the wall of your house.

I also realized my AH had a drinking problem on our honeymoon. It took 20 years for me to take action.
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