How to deal with the hidden bottles and lies 😔
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
To be blunt: get out. Now.
Yes, it sucks but just like some replies here are the facts:
the relationship is a lie and the wedding was with a liar, therefore you married a liar. It does NOT get better from here and you will bleed yourself out thinking you can help him.
And if a baby comes into the picture: I can't even say any more about that.
The hard fact is that he has no problem with his drinking. No alcoholic really does. It's those closest to them that have the problem with their drinking.
Make your problems less and see if annulment is possible.
Sorry so blunt but I'm just like one of the other people who replied to you: what I would tell myself if I could go back in time...like, wow...
Yes, it sucks but just like some replies here are the facts:
the relationship is a lie and the wedding was with a liar, therefore you married a liar. It does NOT get better from here and you will bleed yourself out thinking you can help him.
And if a baby comes into the picture: I can't even say any more about that.
The hard fact is that he has no problem with his drinking. No alcoholic really does. It's those closest to them that have the problem with their drinking.
Make your problems less and see if annulment is possible.
Sorry so blunt but I'm just like one of the other people who replied to you: what I would tell myself if I could go back in time...like, wow...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 11
Agggg
Hi everyone thanks for the support. I did talk to hime and he promised to stop hiding the bottles and stop the lies......and then i found more.
What i dont get is he is so high functioning. No one knows how much he drinks and he does his job well. I found 2 more bottles this morning and i am at a loss. I currently cant leav i have nowhere to go i only work casually and will recieve no help from the govt. I can only for now stick it out until i have some money to get me and my animals somewher else to go. 😔
What i dont get is he is so high functioning. No one knows how much he drinks and he does his job well. I found 2 more bottles this morning and i am at a loss. I currently cant leav i have nowhere to go i only work casually and will recieve no help from the govt. I can only for now stick it out until i have some money to get me and my animals somewher else to go. 😔
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
I just finalized my divorce today. After 30+ years of marriage. You can also call my XAH high-functioning I guess. He's still working.
But the reality is that it gets progressively worse over the years. The man you married today who may just drink a bit too much on the weekends can turn into a man who abuses the kids, loses his job, blacks out, keeps you away from friends & family, financially ruins you.
If you are not going to run as fast as you can then At least stay on birth control. The mothers on this board can tell you how having children & being financially dependent on our AH make you feel trapped. That's why it can take us decades to get out of the marriage.
But the reality is that it gets progressively worse over the years. The man you married today who may just drink a bit too much on the weekends can turn into a man who abuses the kids, loses his job, blacks out, keeps you away from friends & family, financially ruins you.
If you are not going to run as fast as you can then At least stay on birth control. The mothers on this board can tell you how having children & being financially dependent on our AH make you feel trapped. That's why it can take us decades to get out of the marriage.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,665
Hi Newlife.
Sorry for what you're going through.
I was the drinker in our house and I worked but was a functioning alcoholic. My only thoughts was about planning my next drink. I was married, still am, but unfortunately stopping drinking has to be something the drinker wants to do for themselves, nothing else.
Drinking made me into a person I hated but couldn't stop. The addiction is so bad but, if the addict wants to stop they can. There is so much help for those who want to stop, but......they've got to want to stop. Otherwise they eventually drink themselves to death.
I stopped, I'm pleased to say with the help of SR and some higher power, I have stayed stopped and do not want to drink. But that's what it takes. He isn't going to get any better, in fact, it will get worse.
All the best, do what is best for you and your animals.x
Sorry for what you're going through.
I was the drinker in our house and I worked but was a functioning alcoholic. My only thoughts was about planning my next drink. I was married, still am, but unfortunately stopping drinking has to be something the drinker wants to do for themselves, nothing else.
Drinking made me into a person I hated but couldn't stop. The addiction is so bad but, if the addict wants to stop they can. There is so much help for those who want to stop, but......they've got to want to stop. Otherwise they eventually drink themselves to death.
I stopped, I'm pleased to say with the help of SR and some higher power, I have stayed stopped and do not want to drink. But that's what it takes. He isn't going to get any better, in fact, it will get worse.
All the best, do what is best for you and your animals.x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Lots of tough love here. Ready for a little more?
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that effects the emotional, psychological, spiritual and mental health of the alcoholics friends and family.
I was deeply affected by this disease with never picking up a drink. My husband had a solution to his problems, until the alcohol no longer "solved" those problems. What I couldn't see was how fast I got sucked into trying to fix things.
The first thought of "I can't get out now..." is both natural and concerning. Emotional abuse is every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Protect yourself... start exploring ways to leave instead of throwing up roadblocks. You are important. This shock of seeing what's going on can be a gift to quickly get you out of a very bad situation.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that effects the emotional, psychological, spiritual and mental health of the alcoholics friends and family.
I was deeply affected by this disease with never picking up a drink. My husband had a solution to his problems, until the alcohol no longer "solved" those problems. What I couldn't see was how fast I got sucked into trying to fix things.
The first thought of "I can't get out now..." is both natural and concerning. Emotional abuse is every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Protect yourself... start exploring ways to leave instead of throwing up roadblocks. You are important. This shock of seeing what's going on can be a gift to quickly get you out of a very bad situation.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
btw - as for your original questions of how to deal with the hidden bottles and lies...
1. Ask no questions. Asking is the same as saying "I'm gullible. Lie to me."
2. Leave the bottles where they are. Close the drawer, cabinet, whatever, turn around, take a deep breath and go outside to find something you enjoy. Stay connected to healthy people. Stay connected to good things you want in your life.
3. Start a new post in the forums here asking for ideas and examples of how others got out. Explore options, get curious, look for creative ways for life to get really, really good. It's much easier to get out first and then make a good income.
1. Ask no questions. Asking is the same as saying "I'm gullible. Lie to me."
2. Leave the bottles where they are. Close the drawer, cabinet, whatever, turn around, take a deep breath and go outside to find something you enjoy. Stay connected to healthy people. Stay connected to good things you want in your life.
3. Start a new post in the forums here asking for ideas and examples of how others got out. Explore options, get curious, look for creative ways for life to get really, really good. It's much easier to get out first and then make a good income.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi
It may take you some time to come to terms with the fact that you won't be able to change him
When you do , then you can start on detaching from him emotionally and concentrating on you.
Sorting yourself out is the best way to get through this.
If you can't move away physically you can learn learn to move away emotionally. This is doable I promise.
It's a terrible shame what has happened but there is light at the end of the tunnel x
It may take you some time to come to terms with the fact that you won't be able to change him
When you do , then you can start on detaching from him emotionally and concentrating on you.
Sorting yourself out is the best way to get through this.
If you can't move away physically you can learn learn to move away emotionally. This is doable I promise.
It's a terrible shame what has happened but there is light at the end of the tunnel x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 11
[How did you finally get to the desidion Flavia? Im 6 months in and he is 2 differen people he stoped drinking for a while and then o realosed he was again, he is sweek kind and loving but when i am at work and he works drom home he will drink a bottle of vodka before 2pm!! And then lie and sat hes just tired! I am lost i have no family here all my friends are interstate as i moved when we got mareied.
What was rhe final straw doe tou if you dont mind me asking?
QUOTE=Flavia2;6530082]Please know that you don't have to deal with the craziness of lies and hidden bottles - that's no way to live.
In an alcoholic's mind, lies about drinking don't even really count as lies as they think the drinking is their business, not yours. Begging, pleading reasoning - a similar effect can be had by literally talking to the wall of your house.
I also realized my AH had a drinking problem on our honeymoon. It took 20 years for me to take action.
[/QUOTE]
What was rhe final straw doe tou if you dont mind me asking?
QUOTE=Flavia2;6530082]Please know that you don't have to deal with the craziness of lies and hidden bottles - that's no way to live.
In an alcoholic's mind, lies about drinking don't even really count as lies as they think the drinking is their business, not yours. Begging, pleading reasoning - a similar effect can be had by literally talking to the wall of your house.
I also realized my AH had a drinking problem on our honeymoon. It took 20 years for me to take action.
[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
Question > does the hiding of the bottles automatically indicate that he is a alcoholic?
And I am far from being an A.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know the hiding is awful, and it is scary when you discover it. I go back and forth at times over how to deal with it. Lately I've been looking and taking note, but not saying anything. Ironically, the link on the first page of this thread says not to ignore it. It's confusing.
I'm glad you haven't yet had children with him, and I don't mean that in a hurtful way.
I'm glad you haven't yet had children with him, and I don't mean that in a hurtful way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
I definitely understand your reply ..... I guess I should have listed a quantity .. I have found bags of empty bottles ... probably 5 bottles per bag ... approx. 7 empty bottles under my kitchen sink ... etc I'm just wondering maybe he was just collecting them? I'm trying to figure out why would he not just throw these empty bottles in the garbage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Savingme, hiding empties is certainly suspicious behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
Question > does the hiding of the bottles automatically indicate that he is a alcoholic?
I think hiding bottles of booze certainly is an indication of some kind of drinking problem. Alcoholics are crafty and creative, chances are for every drink they have out in the open, they have another stashed away.
Normal drinkers do not have a need to hide what they are doing. If alcohol has played a negative part in someone’s life or relationships and they have been confronted about it, hiding is the next step they will take when reality is, they do not really want to stop no matter what their words might say, the actions speak for themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with atalose
When I was very close to divorce, I found bottles my XAH had hidden in the house. I simply put them all on the table, I did not say a word. I wanted to see what he would say. Surprisingly, nothing. He just threw them away. Now, he is a well known and admitted alcoholic, but I knew I had changed b/c I did not have any fight left in me, and I knew it would do no good for either him or myself to even address it. His behaviors are his behaviors, and are not going to change.
After we divorced, I went and found all the bottles I could. They were everywhere. Up to two years later I was still finding them. One day one fell out of the rafters in the garage (scared me to death), I found them buried in the back yard when I was doing landscaping, all over the place. I think they are all gone now, but I can never be certain LOL.
My point in all of this is addiction looks like addiction, recovery looks like recovery. Time always reveals what is going on.
When I was very close to divorce, I found bottles my XAH had hidden in the house. I simply put them all on the table, I did not say a word. I wanted to see what he would say. Surprisingly, nothing. He just threw them away. Now, he is a well known and admitted alcoholic, but I knew I had changed b/c I did not have any fight left in me, and I knew it would do no good for either him or myself to even address it. His behaviors are his behaviors, and are not going to change.
After we divorced, I went and found all the bottles I could. They were everywhere. Up to two years later I was still finding them. One day one fell out of the rafters in the garage (scared me to death), I found them buried in the back yard when I was doing landscaping, all over the place. I think they are all gone now, but I can never be certain LOL.
My point in all of this is addiction looks like addiction, recovery looks like recovery. Time always reveals what is going on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
I definitely understand your reply ..... I guess I should have listed a quantity .. I have found bags of empty bottles ... probably 5 bottles per bag ... approx. 7 empty bottles under my kitchen sink ... etc I'm just wondering maybe he was just collecting them? I'm trying to figure out why would he not just throw these empty bottles in the garbage.
I have to say, the closet drinking scares me more than the out in the open drinking. Just by observation, if you are buzzed after two beers then you definitely have something stashed somewhere
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I will repeat an incident that I put on the Quackers thread....
My grown son called me from his work, and asked me to look, in his room, for his phone charger...during which, I looked under his bed, and found some empty vodka bottles.....
When I asked him what they were doing there...he said "Carlos put them there"...(Carlos, the gardener, lives on the other side of our neighborhood)....
I asked him...."Why on earth would Carlos put bottles in his car, drive across town, sneak into our house, and put his empties under your bed?"
He replied--"That is a good question. You should ask Carlos about that!"
My grown son called me from his work, and asked me to look, in his room, for his phone charger...during which, I looked under his bed, and found some empty vodka bottles.....
When I asked him what they were doing there...he said "Carlos put them there"...(Carlos, the gardener, lives on the other side of our neighborhood)....
I asked him...."Why on earth would Carlos put bottles in his car, drive across town, sneak into our house, and put his empties under your bed?"
He replied--"That is a good question. You should ask Carlos about that!"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
Wow you’ve gotten a lot of really great info here. I won’t repeat what others have already said better than I could.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one ever imagines this will happen to them. Don’t make the mistake that I did of trying to convince myself that the problem was not that bad and I could live with it. No you can’t.
Here’s what I would do in your situation if I knew then what I know now: leave immediately. Separate yourself legally and financially. Start going to Al Anon. Get yourself all the support you need. Then if he gets sober for a good long time, you can always get back together if YOU want. Don’t end up having to pay spousal support for years to someone who has become disabled by his alcoholism. This can happen.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one ever imagines this will happen to them. Don’t make the mistake that I did of trying to convince myself that the problem was not that bad and I could live with it. No you can’t.
Here’s what I would do in your situation if I knew then what I know now: leave immediately. Separate yourself legally and financially. Start going to Al Anon. Get yourself all the support you need. Then if he gets sober for a good long time, you can always get back together if YOU want. Don’t end up having to pay spousal support for years to someone who has become disabled by his alcoholism. This can happen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
We are the final stages of divorce. I shared with his mother < the hidden vodka bottles all over the house , I shared he pawns (his ) personal items for money < however he never pawned anything we shared I must thankfully admit> She stated PAWNED? stated she was shocked because he makes good money 
His mother stated " dear his actions are the same reason I divorced his father" and she gave me advise to always keep life insurance on him ( his father died do to a horrible lifestyle)
WHAT !!! why would she tell me this over 10 years later .....
His mother stated " dear his actions are the same reason I divorced his father" and she gave me advise to always keep life insurance on him ( his father died do to a horrible lifestyle)
WHAT !!! why would she tell me this over 10 years later .....
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