healthyagain

They do say that substance abuse and general abusiveness are two different issues. Not all addicts/alcoholics are abusive. My big mistake was that I was tying my ex's abusiveness (verbal and emotional) to his alcoholism, but it was all about controlling me, making me submit and crushing my spirit.

I've been living alone for over two years, but to this very day, I wash the dishes the way he demanded, always being extremely careful not to splash around or always putting a small spoon under a glass that is drying so the air may flow. In the bathroom, I am careful not to spill even a drop of water on the floor; this includes water dripping from a shower curtain, so I always put that curtain in a laundry basket after taking a shower.

It looks like my ex gave me an OCD.

Now this is very important. If you deal with an abusive person, and you try to detach, that is, set boundaries and enforce them, this may make things worse, because the abuser sees this as a rebellion against his/her authority.

Seren

This is the most frightening thing. I am sorry you and your child had to go through this. His driving her drunk is just....not OK.

I think it is especially true of we women--being too afraid to speak up. Afraid to trust our own judgement of a situation ("Maybe I'm overreacting?"). I know I am guilty of this in the past and I wonder why...why, when I needed to speak up about something, did I not? Fear is the emotion I remember, but why? Fear for my personal safety? Fear of getting into a big argument? Fear of accusing someone of something wrongly? Why do we talk ourselves into thinking we must be wrong? *sigh*

WhiteFeathers, I am sorry for the night you had. I hope today was a bit better!

WhiteFeathers

Thank you! I actually didn't know he left. I had my older kid ready to leave and I was looking for my younger kid, but found out he left with him.

I obviously need to get a custody order in writing as well

WhiteFeathers

Ugh. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. I say spill water everywhere now!!!

LexieCat

Just FYI, a custody/visitation order is part of most protective orders. You can get it IMMEDIATELY--far more quickly than through ordinary court proceedings.

LexieCat

Just one comment about this (and the rest of the post I agree with wholeheartedly).

Do NOT delete nasty emails, texts, etc. Save them in a folder (or, in the case of texts, save a screenshot at the very least)--they might be important evidence later to obtain full custody or to limit contact to supervised visitation. Certainly don't dwell on them or re-read them (except if you need to convince yourself how bad the situation really is), but do hang onto them. You never know when they might be valuable.

I'd also suggest you start keeping a log/journal of each incident of verbal abuse, raging at you, raging at the kids, irresponsible drunken behavior, etc. Note the date, the details (including exact quotes) and any witnesses. This could be very important later.

Just ONE MORE thing (before someone else suggests it). California is a two-party consent state for purposes of recording conversations. So you are not allowed to record conversations without his consent--doing so could get you in legal hot water. You might want to confirm this with a lawyer who practices there, but I would not do it without a lawyer's advice that it is permitted. The laws are different everywhere--in many places as long as one party consents to the recording, you can. But there are quite a few that strictly prohibit recording of someone without his/her consent.

Nedrax

As has been said already I would definitely put my foot down on anything related to the safety of the kids (drunk driving with kids in the car), ignore any communication not directly related to the kids, and just try and put him out of your mind as much as possible. Otherwise you'll spend a lot of time worrying about things that are out of your control, just focus on what you can control and don't be afraid to involve law enforcement if you have reason to believe there is a safety concern with the kids. For me that worked well and my xAW backed off completely when she realized I would not allow her unsupervised with the kids when she was intoxicated (for me a breathalyzer worked, but it sounds like in your situation he would not submit to that), its really the only issue I put my foot down on, I told her I didn't care anymore how much she drank- I just was only concerned with my kids and their safety and well being.

Smarie78

I too deal with the verbal abuse from my Abf - it's usually only when he's drunk but it has happened before while stone cold sober. Drunk is just usually worse. I started keeping a notepad on my phone of his particular insults so that when I am starting to feel weak I can go back and read them. One day I looked and they were so awful I ended up deleting them.

It's all anger they have within themselves and their projection of it onto the victim. I don't know if its like this for you, but what I find most interesting is how he teeter totters between horrible nasty insults to you are the greatest thing in the world and the most beautiful and god I would die for you and you are stunning and incredible, etc, etc. Not only are the overt compliments over the top even without the abuse, they carry so much less meaning when you can never forget the words he says.

Sasha1972

I think this is a very common dynamic - because we're socialized to not make a fuss, not "overreact", go-along-to-get-along, etc. I can't speak for the dudes, but I think for women a lot of our actions are constrained because we fear someone will think we're a b!tch. (This is why I really like the movement to reclaim the b-word).

Unfortunately this plays into the hands of addicts, who have an interest in minimizing or playing down their actions, so they won't have to stop. I don't know if there is any unrecovered alcoholic anywhere who does not minimize his/her problems.

(I'm dealing with this with my alcoholic ex, who recently showed up drunk at our daughter's school, tried to drive away with her, and the police had to be called to deal with him. His version is that he "made a mistake" because he was stressed and taking a new prescription med, and besides, he doesn't have any outstanding DUIs so he's obviously not a dangerous driver. My version is that when you get so drunk you can barely walk and get behind the wheel of a car, you've turned it into a loaded gun, and "mistake" doesn't begin to cover it).

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hate to say this, but there is not much you can do about it besides go to no, or very minimal contact.

I had to do this with my XAH. I was his verbal punching bag and it seems every time he drinks, or things don't go his way, guess what, the verbal vomit ensues. I have gotten to where I just say either nothing, or the bare min to answer if it is regarding our children. It has brought me a lot more peace in my life b/c I cannot control his gaslighting me, but I can control how I react to it.

Get a good therapist for yourself and your children. It will be the best money you will ever spend, I promise.