Norrib

This is my first time teaching out for help away from friends.i think because of my boyfriend I try to keep things quiet and private and in the family. But as my own anxiety and stress is growing I need some outside council to help walk me through dealing with my situation.
My live-in boyfriend of 3 years has a massive drinking problem. His vice is vodka. We have tried multiple ways to help make things better. He went to AA meetings for a couple times but told me the people there were creepy- that he wasn't "that bad" as them. Mind you my boyfriend has been woken up by police laying on the ground With massive bruising on his side when we attend a wedding and no memory of how it happened.
Last night the 4th he drank almost a full 750ml of vodka at our friends house. He was the only person drinking. He proceeded to get incredibly angry hung outside of the car and tried to grab me after we parked the car to scream at me. All for no reason - because he was -upset. Normally he is not this person. But turns mean and terrible when he drinks. I love this man and would do anything to help him but I'm wondering whe is it time to stop trying to help. He's against going to a psychologist- and most programs he turns his nose up at. But has stated that he knows and needs to get some sort of help. Any advice on how which programs to go to. Also had any one else been down this road. Is this situation beyond repair?

BlownOne

Hi Norrib. Seems to me that your bf knows exactly what steps he needs to take, he's just not willing to take them. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to make him want to take those steps. I'd be thinking about making a hasty exit from him if I were you. Wishing you well.

SaveYourHeart

No situation is beyond repair, but he has to want to get help and then follow through. You can't do it for him and only you can decide when you've had enough. It's not going to get better unless he actually commits to recovery.

I'd suggest going to al-anon and working your own program to protect your mental health. His behavior affects you too.

firebolt

Yeah I agree, no situation is beyond repair...except when the person causing it doesn't want to repair it. It sounds like you are the only one in the partnership that wants a better life - and you have every right to go get it.

totfit

It does not matter what program or method a person uses for help. Nothing works if a person first and foremost understands that they have a problem and second wants to change/quit. From what you have mentioned, I doubt he will be able to "slow down" for long and moderate. This means quitting completely is the answer. Unless he understands and desires this, you likely need to decide whether or not you want to live with the current situation and worse. Typically, it most always gets worse. I wish you the best. There is just not an easy answer and it is up to him.

Nedrax

I think the 'enough' point in a relationship is when the issues that the alcohol is creating are a constant source of emotional hurt. Over time it will erode your relationship as more and more incidents happen - I don't see any sense in hanging on and hoping for the best - in my case that never happened. When the addict goes to AA or tries therapy its really not useful if he/she is just doing it for you, they have to really have an internal awakening and realize its the only way they can become happy with themselves.

For me it improved my life as a whole to end the relationship, its still difficult and definitely lonely right now, but there's a brighter future ahead because I exited.

Smarie78

Needed to hear this today - thank you!

AnvilheadII

the very question of "when is enough" indicates one person in the relationship is getting buried in all kinds of BS from the other person.

-how much am i supposed to endure?
-how much can i take?
-how many years do i have to serve before it's ok to leave?
-how many chances should i give?

we aren't human pack mules. our "job" in the relationship isn't to let others keep piling on the bundles and burdens, so we are left carrying the load while they skip off gaily down the road.

we aren't the butler at the door greeting guest and getting buried under a pile of coats while the others go enjoy themselves at the party.

we aren't genies in bottles with three wishes to grant.

maia1234

I wasted 34 years of my life hoping ah would get his shxt together. Never happened.

You ask if it is beyond repair? Is this the life you want? It's a hard life my friend. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, we can love them from a distance. Life is short and trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved is a very difficult life. Hugs!!

SoloMio

Great analogy. Great mental image. Very helpful.

Loneshewolf13

So true. Wow. Thanks for saying that Maia!

atalose

Recovery from alcoholism isn’t a WE thing, it’s a him only thing. Sure you can support what efforts he takes for himself to stop drinking and accept his disease. But we tend to get very lost and forget about our own issues when we try so hard to get them to seek help. Like why do we stay and tolerate unacceptable behavior?

His response to AA is typical for someone who really isn’t ready to stop drinking.

NOW TODAY

And just because he stated he needs help doesn’t mean he actually will seek it. Those words keep you hanging around just in case he does, doesn't it?

NYCDoglvr

I would argue that there are situations beyond repair. It happened to me when I realized I didn't trust or respect him and therefore, no relationship was possible.

Colors39

I have a similar problem.
My BF used to drink vodka and act just about the same way.
He switched to beer after I walked out on him and later that day started throwing up blood.
He won't go to a program but admits he has a problem
Now he drinks a 12 pack of beer everyday.

I agree, when is enough enough? When will our hearts stop being so sympathetic?

They know that they have a problem.

I truly believe that in order to solve the problem there needs to be a major wakeup call/ reaching of rock bottom.

And for me, that means walking out (Again) on my boyfriend of now 3 years, that i have been with since i was 21.

and if this doesn't work, its 3 years wasted ( boy if that doesn't make me feel like i wasted my life)

girl idk what we do about these things. honestly. how did we get in this mess?

how do we get ourselves out?

all i do is pray and go to this website all the time. and honestly, over the past month i have been on here, the people on here are giving me so much courage and so much faith. everyday i feel a little more like i can stand up for myself, and my boyfriend, for his health, and mine, and do what is right for my good health.

i will be thinking of you.