How to get it through a time between now and divorce?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
How to get it through a time between now and divorce?
Hi! I'm married to a functioning alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic, and my husband always hated it. But then our son was born premature and had a pediatric stroke. We worked hard to get him rehabilitated. I stayed at home, and my husband worked 24 hours a day to earn enough money for all necessary procedures.
At work he started drinking with coworkers, may be to recover from stress. I had depression myself.
When our son was 2 yo I came back to work. When he was three he was diagnosed with autism and left hemiparesis.
My husband became high functioning alcoholic at that point.
Then my company offered me a job in the USA (Boston), and I moved with my son. I told my husband that if he wants to be with us he should change his life.
He was coming over quite often. Then he decided he couldn't live without us, quit his job, found a job in Miami and started to come over every weekend. And here I noticed his drinking became worth. He became delusional, started to lie.
Then he moved to my house saying he needed support to quit drinking. And he was drinking when I was asleep. One morning I found my kid standing upon he father sleeping on the floor. Then I went mad and said he pack his stuff and go. And here I got caught with another promise.
You know, I had my own hard times to accept that my kid would be disabled his whole life, I was on anti-depressants for 2 years. So I decided to be merciful.
And then it was about 1 month of piece, until I found a receipt in a toilet with a minuscule whisky in it. I went to supermarket app to find out he was drinking all the time.
That was it for me, I couldn't handle it anymore. I called his family and told them everything.
Here is a hard part. We have common property in another country we need to sell in order to buy a house in the USA. And I'm not sure how divorce will turn over there, so for a sake of my kid wellbeing I need to figure that problem first; transfer money and etc. Besides, I'm a breadwinner now, and I'm making good money. My husband now stays at home and take care of our kid needs - school and extensive schedule of different activities (pt, swimming, etc). And he is actually good at being dad daily.
Besides, if we divorce now it'll impact our immigration status, and we're finalizing perm residency.
So, there are a lot of moving parts, and I need to wait at least 6-12 months in order to make it the most rationale way.
But I have no idea how to deal with it.
My husband seems to be super scared, he limited his drinking to almost more; but at the same time he is constantly depressed about it and just unbearable.
He is not abusive at all, don't take me wrong, just cranky.
And during next 6-12 months I need to control him, to control myself pretending everything is fine; and I don't know how to do it.
His mother came over and live with us to help.
At work he started drinking with coworkers, may be to recover from stress. I had depression myself.
When our son was 2 yo I came back to work. When he was three he was diagnosed with autism and left hemiparesis.
My husband became high functioning alcoholic at that point.
Then my company offered me a job in the USA (Boston), and I moved with my son. I told my husband that if he wants to be with us he should change his life.
He was coming over quite often. Then he decided he couldn't live without us, quit his job, found a job in Miami and started to come over every weekend. And here I noticed his drinking became worth. He became delusional, started to lie.
Then he moved to my house saying he needed support to quit drinking. And he was drinking when I was asleep. One morning I found my kid standing upon he father sleeping on the floor. Then I went mad and said he pack his stuff and go. And here I got caught with another promise.
You know, I had my own hard times to accept that my kid would be disabled his whole life, I was on anti-depressants for 2 years. So I decided to be merciful.
And then it was about 1 month of piece, until I found a receipt in a toilet with a minuscule whisky in it. I went to supermarket app to find out he was drinking all the time.
That was it for me, I couldn't handle it anymore. I called his family and told them everything.
Here is a hard part. We have common property in another country we need to sell in order to buy a house in the USA. And I'm not sure how divorce will turn over there, so for a sake of my kid wellbeing I need to figure that problem first; transfer money and etc. Besides, I'm a breadwinner now, and I'm making good money. My husband now stays at home and take care of our kid needs - school and extensive schedule of different activities (pt, swimming, etc). And he is actually good at being dad daily.
Besides, if we divorce now it'll impact our immigration status, and we're finalizing perm residency.
So, there are a lot of moving parts, and I need to wait at least 6-12 months in order to make it the most rationale way.
But I have no idea how to deal with it.
My husband seems to be super scared, he limited his drinking to almost more; but at the same time he is constantly depressed about it and just unbearable.
He is not abusive at all, don't take me wrong, just cranky.
And during next 6-12 months I need to control him, to control myself pretending everything is fine; and I don't know how to do it.
His mother came over and live with us to help.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Keep the focus on you and your child. Have time to go out and do your things. When husband gets cranky try to compartalize it as much as possible and leave the room. Keep a journal what he's doing and one for your hopes and dreams. Stay strong.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, you have a LOT on your plate, so first of all BREATHE.
You do NOT need to control him. It's basically impossible and you will make yourself crazy trying. Work on ways to protect yourself and your child and let him be responsible for him. I'd STRONGLY suggest finding alternative childcare, though. Is your MIL able to do that? Can you trust her not to allow him to drive your child himself? He could well be drinking during the day. Suppose your son had a medical emergency and he tried to drive him to the ER? And even everyday errands--most alcoholics overestimate their ability to drive when they've been drinking.
Second, you need to consult an immigration lawyer who can give you the best advice about how not to jeopardize your status. You shouldn't be in an emotionally unsafe situation, if he gets worse, for the sake of your immigration status. There may be ways to protect it.
You also should consult with a matrimonial lawyer with experience dealing with international issues. The immigration lawyer may have some suggestions for you.
And finally (not least), are you going to Al-Anon or getting other support for living with this situation? Whether you are together or apart, since you have a child in common you will be dealing with each other for a very long time to come. You need to take good care of yourself so you don't burn out. Living with active alcoholism can make anyone a bit crazy. I know it did me.
Welcome, glad you're here.
You do NOT need to control him. It's basically impossible and you will make yourself crazy trying. Work on ways to protect yourself and your child and let him be responsible for him. I'd STRONGLY suggest finding alternative childcare, though. Is your MIL able to do that? Can you trust her not to allow him to drive your child himself? He could well be drinking during the day. Suppose your son had a medical emergency and he tried to drive him to the ER? And even everyday errands--most alcoholics overestimate their ability to drive when they've been drinking.
Second, you need to consult an immigration lawyer who can give you the best advice about how not to jeopardize your status. You shouldn't be in an emotionally unsafe situation, if he gets worse, for the sake of your immigration status. There may be ways to protect it.
You also should consult with a matrimonial lawyer with experience dealing with international issues. The immigration lawyer may have some suggestions for you.
And finally (not least), are you going to Al-Anon or getting other support for living with this situation? Whether you are together or apart, since you have a child in common you will be dealing with each other for a very long time to come. You need to take good care of yourself so you don't burn out. Living with active alcoholism can make anyone a bit crazy. I know it did me.
Welcome, glad you're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
Keep the focus on you and your child. Have time to go out and do your things. When husband gets cranky try to compartalize it as much as possible and leave the room. Keep a journal what he's doing and one for your hopes and dreams. Stay strong.
We agreed about another try for sobriety. But honestly I do not believe in it, just trying to keep the house together until the time to rip the band comes...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by LexieCat
OK, you have a LOT on your plate, so first of all BREATHE.
You do NOT need to control him. It's basically impossible and you will make yourself crazy trying. Work on ways to protect yourself and your child and let him be responsible for him. I'd STRONGLY suggest finding alternative childcare, though. Is your MIL able to do that? Can you trust her not to allow him to drive your child himself? He could well be drinking during the day. Suppose your son had a medical emergency and he tried to drive him to the ER? And even everyday errands--most alcoholics overestimate their ability to drive when they've been drinking.
Second, you need to consult an immigration lawyer who can give you the best advice about how not to jeopardize your status. You shouldn't be in an emotionally unsafe situation, if he gets worse, for the sake of your immigration status. There may be ways to protect it.
You also should consult with a matrimonial lawyer with experience dealing with international issues. The immigration lawyer may have some suggestions for you.
And finally (not least), are you going to Al-Anon or getting other support for living with this situation? Whether you are together or apart, since you have a child in common you will be dealing with each other for a very long time to come. You need to take good care of yourself so you don't burn out. Living with active alcoholism can make anyone a bit crazy. I know it did me.
Welcome, glad you're here.
You do NOT need to control him. It's basically impossible and you will make yourself crazy trying. Work on ways to protect yourself and your child and let him be responsible for him. I'd STRONGLY suggest finding alternative childcare, though. Is your MIL able to do that? Can you trust her not to allow him to drive your child himself? He could well be drinking during the day. Suppose your son had a medical emergency and he tried to drive him to the ER? And even everyday errands--most alcoholics overestimate their ability to drive when they've been drinking.
Second, you need to consult an immigration lawyer who can give you the best advice about how not to jeopardize your status. You shouldn't be in an emotionally unsafe situation, if he gets worse, for the sake of your immigration status. There may be ways to protect it.
You also should consult with a matrimonial lawyer with experience dealing with international issues. The immigration lawyer may have some suggestions for you.
And finally (not least), are you going to Al-Anon or getting other support for living with this situation? Whether you are together or apart, since you have a child in common you will be dealing with each other for a very long time to come. You need to take good care of yourself so you don't burn out. Living with active alcoholism can make anyone a bit crazy. I know it did me.
Welcome, glad you're here.
I have alternative childcare, yes. And my mom can come over. My MIL is terrified because she went through same stuff with her husband, and separated from him. She told me I should leave and tell my son that his father died, because in her case separation didn't help my husband to avoid her husband scenario.
But I don't know, of course, if she will be able not to trust her own baby...
I like all your advices. I didn't have bravery to go to Al-Anon before. I definitely should.
It's just so damn hard. My kid loves him, every time they are together he is so happy, it breaks my heart to think about negative scenario. And my husband is happy with my son, there is so many unconditional love between them. I don't know how to deal with it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know--and that's why you need all the support and legal/practical advice you can get. You don't have to figure it all out today, or tomorrow, or next week. Small steps are what get us where we're going.
What always helps me is making lists of priorities so I tackle the most critical issues first--or at least begin to get the pieces in place so I can. Don't awfulize things. Many alcoholics DO get sober--when they are ready to--and rebuild their family relationships. So don't assume that even if there is separation for a while your son will lose his dad forever.
Hugs,
What always helps me is making lists of priorities so I tackle the most critical issues first--or at least begin to get the pieces in place so I can. Don't awfulize things. Many alcoholics DO get sober--when they are ready to--and rebuild their family relationships. So don't assume that even if there is separation for a while your son will lose his dad forever.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I know--and that's why you need all the support and legal/practical advice you can get. You don't have to figure it all out today, or tomorrow, or next week. Small steps are what get us where we're going.
What always helps me is making lists of priorities so I tackle the most critical issues first--or at least begin to get the pieces in place so I can. Don't awfulize things. Many alcoholics DO get sober--when they are ready to--and rebuild their family relationships. So don't assume that even if there is separation for a while your son will lose his dad forever.
Hugs,
What always helps me is making lists of priorities so I tackle the most critical issues first--or at least begin to get the pieces in place so I can. Don't awfulize things. Many alcoholics DO get sober--when they are ready to--and rebuild their family relationships. So don't assume that even if there is separation for a while your son will lose his dad forever.
Hugs,
So now, I feel like I'm betraying him when he desperately needs help and support.
And on a rational level I know that I gave him 2 years of help and support. I was almost a single mother in a new country for a year because it was better for my kid.
But emotionally I'm a mess
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, well, as you said, you've supported him, he's supported you. Just know that your direct involvement isn't necessary for support for recovery from alcoholism. And at this point, he's not even trying, right?
Do you know what "enabling" means? It means to make it easy or comfortable for the alcoholic to drink. Lots of alcoholics (and I'm almost 9 years sober, myself) think that if they have their house and their family that they "aren't so bad." It helps keep them in denial. I'm not saying you HAVE to leave him, but be careful about what you consider to be "support." If what you are doing amounts to making it easy for him to continue as he has been, why should he change?
I hope you will try to get to Al-Anon soon--I think you will find it very, very helpful as a way to get the focus off him and what he's doing and onto what's good for you and for your son.
Do you know what "enabling" means? It means to make it easy or comfortable for the alcoholic to drink. Lots of alcoholics (and I'm almost 9 years sober, myself) think that if they have their house and their family that they "aren't so bad." It helps keep them in denial. I'm not saying you HAVE to leave him, but be careful about what you consider to be "support." If what you are doing amounts to making it easy for him to continue as he has been, why should he change?
I hope you will try to get to Al-Anon soon--I think you will find it very, very helpful as a way to get the focus off him and what he's doing and onto what's good for you and for your son.
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