qtpi

Hi SaltHat. I also left an alcoholic husband. I was really really hoping he would "get it"- what I wanted him to get - and that he would stop drinking, go to AA and treat me with love. I was hoping I would be away for a period of time and we would reunite with love and forgiveness and somehow unknot all the tangles in our lives. It was not to be. I am still sad about that. But here on the other side of things, I am popping out- like a chick from a shell. I have friends, good work, new hopes and dreams. When someone mistreats me now, I just move away, and I don't give it a second thought. Before I left, if I was treated rudely, I would wonder what did I do to cause this- must be my fault- what can I do to fix things.

The shift in my attitude didn't happen as soon as I left- a year later I am noticing a big difference. SR and individual counselling has been key to me growing in a positive direction.

So Salthat- I wanted something different - but XAH had to want it too- and I guess he wanted alcohol more than he wanted me. And then I realized what I wanted more than being with XAH was to be with someone who loved me and treated me with love.

atalose

If he relapses, it has nothing at all to do with you or about you or the marriage. If it were that easy, where all the A had to do was weight the consequences of their choices, we would not really have the need for rehabs or AA meetings or addiction counseling. No one choses to lose his or her job, families, friends, homes, cars, finances, etc. simple for booze.

This is why YOUR own recovery is extremely important. Yes it does hurt, it hurts a lot having to walk away from someone we love. And as we say around here, it’s always good to have “hope” but hope is not a plan. As much as it hurts you did what you needed to do for you. Time and observation will tell you all you need to know about him and his sobriety/recovery.

aliciagr

If you look for treatment recommendations issued by the medical field - you will see that one component of recovery is based on healing the family. There are multiple parts to this. Each person needs to understand what damages have been done, accept it, make peace with it, and then there needs to be teamwork to rebuild the relationship in a way that works for each person.

When my husband was in the 12 step rehab is when I first saw the holes in the recovery process. It was explained to me that my husband needed to work on his recovery, and he could not worry about anything else, and he could not work on fixing our relationship, or worry about my needs. I wasnt even supposed to talk to him about his recovery, or what he was doing because he was supposed to lean on other people in recovery only. I was told one day that seemed to be more than a year later, then maybe we would be able to begin to see if we could make our marriage work. POOEY

He wouldnt stay in that rehab program, and I really cant say I regret his leaving, since he did seek out other treatment. He began therapy instead, and part of the core recovery process was rebuilding relationships within the family, working together, and building a strong support system with friends and family. (And it started within the first couple months).

It takes sitting down and working together to truly see the damage, talk about it, learn to forgive, see both perspectives, heal, and move forward.

I know in AA they have steps and some are to make amends for example, but this is really a step they do for themselves IMO, and it can be done without ever sitting and discussing the damage that others feel has been done. Its based on their own perspective. You either accept this when its given or you dont. Its about their doing inventory and not the outcome they should expect from others.

But I do think the majority of people want to fix relationships, and just dont know how. There is not much guidance unless you begin marriage or family counseling, or couples, families take it upon themselves to try to work it out on their own. But it can be such an emotionally charged topic filled with pain and anger, it often goes wrong. And sometimes it feels taboo to even try, because family is often told they cant ask, its selfish, and stems from being needy or clingy, and "recovery" comes first. In Alanon, its basically a carbon copy of AA, and the focus is only on me, not my partner, or how to mend the damage and rebuild the family.

I feel there is a hole because its not understood that mending families IS part of the recovery process, and it can be started very early. And it cant be done without working together.