oftenenough
oftenenough
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
oftenenough
Married 15 years to HF alcoholic. He more or less controls drinking for 1-2 years, then 3 year creeps up until one night he rages at me verbally/emotionally. Next morning apologetic and he stops drinking for 6 or so months and then slowly - ever slowly starts again.
Looking for boundaries in this scenario- as again, it's not daily, weekly, or even for months.
So over 15 years, I'd say he's had 4 or 5 huge blow ups at me. Last one 2 nights ago.
Any suggestions?
He can stop drinking (and has) for months at a time if that makes any difference.
Looking for boundaries in this scenario- as again, it's not daily, weekly, or even for months.
So over 15 years, I'd say he's had 4 or 5 huge blow ups at me. Last one 2 nights ago.
Any suggestions?
He can stop drinking (and has) for months at a time if that makes any difference.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, oftenenough, and welcome to SR. Your situation sounds like a tough one, and I can see why you'd want some clearcut guidelines as to what's a problem and what's not, what's acceptable and what's not.
The bad part is, we can't give that to you. The only person who can say "this is not acceptable, this is not what I want" is you. The good part is, we can help you think about how to decide that for yourself.
First of all, if you read around the forum (which I strongly recommend that you do--don't miss the "stickies" at the top of the page, either), you'll find references to high-functioning alcoholics, and you'll also find that "high functioning" isn't a type of A, it's a stage. They all function--until they don't. I've re-posted this quote from an SR member several times recently, but I'll do it once more, b/c I think it's so accurate:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
So, having said that, my next question is, do you feel your marriage is good in between the actual "blow-ups" that happen every few years, or are there selfishness, emotional unavailability, dishonesty, and other issues that are ongoing, and the "blow-ups" are just the culmination of frustration every so often? Is it "good enough" if this is the best it ever is? Unless he actively seeks recovery w/some sort of plan, program and support, it will gradually get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and none of us have a crystal ball to know how fast it will progress, or a guarantee that it will progress at a regular and predictable rate.
For now, I'm just going to suggest that you read around the forum as much as you possibly can. Checking into Alanon may be a good idea for you too--I found SR and Alanon to be a great combination for my own recovery. Educating yourself about alcoholism will put you in a much better place to make decisions about your future.
Hope you keep reading and keep posting.
The bad part is, we can't give that to you. The only person who can say "this is not acceptable, this is not what I want" is you. The good part is, we can help you think about how to decide that for yourself.
First of all, if you read around the forum (which I strongly recommend that you do--don't miss the "stickies" at the top of the page, either), you'll find references to high-functioning alcoholics, and you'll also find that "high functioning" isn't a type of A, it's a stage. They all function--until they don't. I've re-posted this quote from an SR member several times recently, but I'll do it once more, b/c I think it's so accurate:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
So, having said that, my next question is, do you feel your marriage is good in between the actual "blow-ups" that happen every few years, or are there selfishness, emotional unavailability, dishonesty, and other issues that are ongoing, and the "blow-ups" are just the culmination of frustration every so often? Is it "good enough" if this is the best it ever is? Unless he actively seeks recovery w/some sort of plan, program and support, it will gradually get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and none of us have a crystal ball to know how fast it will progress, or a guarantee that it will progress at a regular and predictable rate.
For now, I'm just going to suggest that you read around the forum as much as you possibly can. Checking into Alanon may be a good idea for you too--I found SR and Alanon to be a great combination for my own recovery. Educating yourself about alcoholism will put you in a much better place to make decisions about your future.
Hope you keep reading and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
I agree with everything honeypig wrote.
My stbxah was very "functional." He had a high-paying 6-figure job, he was a CEO of a respected non-profit that he founded. He also had "blow ups" and between the blow ups was not emotionally available, was dishonest, controlling, etc.
Now, he is unemployed. He is in denial about this and claims his new company that he is starting will take off any day. It's been two years now and he has been helping to support the family by listing a little property we own in a ski town on airbnb. We are in danger of losing that property as well as our permanent residence.
I am not sure what to do about my daughter's school-- she is in a private school she loves, but it looks like I will have to enroll her in public school. I am now the sole breadwinner and I'm a school teacher so...
Long story short, I thought my stbxh was functional too. Until he was not.
My stbxah was very "functional." He had a high-paying 6-figure job, he was a CEO of a respected non-profit that he founded. He also had "blow ups" and between the blow ups was not emotionally available, was dishonest, controlling, etc.
Now, he is unemployed. He is in denial about this and claims his new company that he is starting will take off any day. It's been two years now and he has been helping to support the family by listing a little property we own in a ski town on airbnb. We are in danger of losing that property as well as our permanent residence.
I am not sure what to do about my daughter's school-- she is in a private school she loves, but it looks like I will have to enroll her in public school. I am now the sole breadwinner and I'm a school teacher so...
Long story short, I thought my stbxh was functional too. Until he was not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
My suggestion is to make a list of pros and cons. I know this sounds over-simplified but it can be so powerful to see it actually written down. On the pros side, write how he behaves when he's not drinking. On the cons side, write all the negative, nasty things he's ever said/done to you during one of his "blow ups," as you call them. Pay attention to quality versus quantity, meaning just because the pros side is longer than the cons side doesn't mean you should tolerate the cons for the sake of the pros.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oftenenough....I can tell that this is bothering you, quite a bit...Otherwise, I don't think you would be posting on a forum like this...lol...
A question---does your husband know how you feel about all of this.....have you put all your cards on the table with him?
Have you told him how his drinking has effected you and your fears about the future of your marriage?
A question---does your husband know how you feel about all of this.....have you put all your cards on the table with him?
Have you told him how his drinking has effected you and your fears about the future of your marriage?
oftenenough
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
reply
THanks everyone---
Nice to not feel alone.
Actually he is not in denial- he does know how I feel and he does know he is in the wrong. He actually is a fantastic husband in between the episodes.
Again the issue is it is so long between the bad moments. So after a moment, we really can have 2-3 years before the next build up (which is usually over 3-4 months).
We both have high paying jobs and I am very confident in myself and my self esteem. Please know I"m not saying that to overlook his faults or my enabling (?) but to emphasize that I'm looking for --maybe comeraderie and suggestions for this unusual situation.
I do feel like his drinking is less and less often (instead of progressive). Meaning at beginning of our marriage, it was 2 or 3 outbursts for first 2 years and now has spread out much less frequent then that. However, since he did do it the other evening, it's very fresh and I'm very angry.
Thanks again. Appreciate this site and happy to have found it.
Nice to not feel alone.
Actually he is not in denial- he does know how I feel and he does know he is in the wrong. He actually is a fantastic husband in between the episodes.
Again the issue is it is so long between the bad moments. So after a moment, we really can have 2-3 years before the next build up (which is usually over 3-4 months).
We both have high paying jobs and I am very confident in myself and my self esteem. Please know I"m not saying that to overlook his faults or my enabling (?) but to emphasize that I'm looking for --maybe comeraderie and suggestions for this unusual situation.
I do feel like his drinking is less and less often (instead of progressive). Meaning at beginning of our marriage, it was 2 or 3 outbursts for first 2 years and now has spread out much less frequent then that. However, since he did do it the other evening, it's very fresh and I'm very angry.
Thanks again. Appreciate this site and happy to have found it.
oftenenough
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Yes- he is well aware of how I feel. The next day I am very clear. He is also very apologetic and is very much wanting to imrove so we don't divorce. He is clear (and so am I) that I do not "need" him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think some people are "problem drinkers" but not alcoholics. I can't say whether your husband is or is not, but if his drinking causes problems for you then YOU need to address them because apparently he is unable/unwilling to do so.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It might be very helpful for you. Marriage counseling might be helpful, too.
Hugs,
Have you been to Al-Anon? It might be very helpful for you. Marriage counseling might be helpful, too.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
oftenenough....I don't have any suggestions...as I am unclear as to what the "problem" is.....except that you are temporarily angry....
You describe him as a fantastic husband (between episodes),,,and you describe the episodes as becoming less and less....
At first, I thought that you might be unhappy, in some way---because you were posting here...but, you seem to put the nix on that....
You describe him as a fantastic husband (between episodes),,,and you describe the episodes as becoming less and less....
At first, I thought that you might be unhappy, in some way---because you were posting here...but, you seem to put the nix on that....
oftenenough
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Well the fact that the episodes still do occur, I am bewildered myself. When they do occur they are horrible. It's just that most help sites for him and myself address alcoholics who are drinking/acting out weekly - or at least more often than mine.
When he does get drunk and rage- it is scary. The other night, I was scared. The fact that it is not often is where I can't find the right help for him or me.
Yes, I was thinking joint counseling.
Few months from now, when this is months in past, he will start slowly drinking again, maybe that is when I will have to figure out what's next for us.
I just did not grow up around alcohol-my parents never drank, friends didn't drink. So I just am not sure what to accept and what not to. It doesn't seem right to divorce when he rages once every few years yet I do know that raging ever is wrong and no one deserves to be scared and verbally abused- even though it is not often.
When he does get drunk and rage- it is scary. The other night, I was scared. The fact that it is not often is where I can't find the right help for him or me.
Yes, I was thinking joint counseling.
Few months from now, when this is months in past, he will start slowly drinking again, maybe that is when I will have to figure out what's next for us.
I just did not grow up around alcohol-my parents never drank, friends didn't drink. So I just am not sure what to accept and what not to. It doesn't seem right to divorce when he rages once every few years yet I do know that raging ever is wrong and no one deserves to be scared and verbally abused- even though it is not often.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You should know, too, that abuse and alcoholism are two SEPARATE issues. Even if the abuse is "worse" or overt only when he is drinking, some people drink to give themselves "permission" or an excuse to control someone else.
In addition to other resources, you might want to contact your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate about your situation. The advocate can help you assess whether you are in danger, and help you create a safety plan. If you are ever scared, call the police. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time and verbal/emotional abuse can be harder to heal from than physical injuries.
Anything you talk to the advocate about will be completely confidential. Their services are free. Nobody will force you to do anything you don't want to do.
I'd suggest making the call--several people here have gotten a great deal of help and support from DV advocates.
In addition to other resources, you might want to contact your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate about your situation. The advocate can help you assess whether you are in danger, and help you create a safety plan. If you are ever scared, call the police. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time and verbal/emotional abuse can be harder to heal from than physical injuries.
Anything you talk to the advocate about will be completely confidential. Their services are free. Nobody will force you to do anything you don't want to do.
I'd suggest making the call--several people here have gotten a great deal of help and support from DV advocates.
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