The Irony of the Restraining Order
 

I used to post under a different username, but thought it a good idea to change it now that I'm going through a custody battle. You may recognize my story...

After multiple threats and a very creepy trespassing incident at my home (his former home), I had no choice but to file a restraining order against my AXBF. The judge granted me temporary custody of our daughter with no visitation and a temporary conduct order, meaning he cannot harass me or stalk me, basically all the things he could be arrested for without a restraining order anyway. Not an ideal outcome, and certainly not what I requested, but at least I know my daughter is safe with me for the next three weeks.

My friend is going to serve him the papers tomorrow morning, and I'm extremely nervous. I'm pretty sure he's still actively drinking, and if he's not, this might push him back off the wagon. Why does the thing that is meant to protect me make me feel even more afraid?

I don't know what I need from you all. Crossed fingers? A gigantic group hug?

Gigantic hugs for you and best wishes. Any chance of being away from home for a night or two? Or having a fried or relative stay over with you?
I'm not an expert, but does harass or stalk encompass turning up at your house? If you get even a whisper of him doing this again it might be what you need to get the restraining order strengthened to 'no contact'.
It's so normal to feel nervous about this, but it doesn't mean your fears are going to eventuate. Even so, have some common-sense security measures and escape plans in place, just in case.

Sending you a big fierce hug.

Stay safe, yes? Did you change the locks?

The police are the ones who should be serving him, not your friend. Who told you a friend had to serve it?

The order also requires him to have no contact with you, correct? The advantage of the order is that the police are REQUIRED to arrest him for ANY violation, not just acts that are crimes. So he can be stopped before simple contact escalates to something more serious.

I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter and talking with an advocate to make a safety plan. Also, the order will protect you only to the extent you are willing to report any violations. Be sure you do so EVERY time. It isn't unusual for an abuser to test the waters to find out if you're serious.

Welcome back Saveher.

I hope it goes smoothly and certainly report any transgressions.

Count me in as one in the group hug!!!

I think - correct me if I'm wrong - but an officer or law enforcement would serve him? I would double check as you don't want your friend mixed up in this and also I don't think it would have nearly the same impact (if it's even possible for someone outside of the law to serve)...

Also I would see if you could stay somewhere until things calm down. I don't blame you for being afraid - I think every woman who has to go to that length is already extremely afraid :(

Giant massive group hug!!!

At least in my state, anyone over the age of 18 can serve him, and she's doing it at his work in broad daylight with her husband outside in the car. Believe me, we've thought carefully about this. If I wait for a sheriff to do it, it could take days or weeks for him to be served, and I want it taken care of immediately.

I already changed the locks and I do have people staying with me tomorrow--and I may go to my parents' house overnight.

The order does not stipulate no contact nor does it say he has to stay away from me or my home. I was very upset about this. Thanks for the gray area, judge! Thanks for giving an out to a person with no sense of boundaries!

However, I've spoken with law enforcement, and if he comes here and has no reason to be here, I can ask him to leave, and if he refuses, they can enforce the order and arrest him. He cannot use his daughter as an excuse for coming to my home because he has no visitation, but since he still has some of his belongings here, that could be considered a reason. The police officer suggested I send him an email, give him a reasonable amount of time to make arrangements (a week?), and then put his stuff on the porch. I plan to do this right after he is served.

No more playing nice.

SH, have you talked with an advocate in your jurisdiction? Your order does not sound like any DV protective order I've ever heard of. Was this possibly an order issued as part of the custody proceedings, rather than a separate DV proceeding?

I'm not able to give you legal advice, but I work with prosecutors and attorneys and police and advocates literally all over the country. If you could PM me some further details, I might be able to help you figure out what's going on and what you can do to get the kind of order you need. From a professional standpoint I'd like to find out, too, because as I said, this does NOT appear to be standard (or even slightly unusual) as protective orders go. It could be that someone needs to let the judge know that so others don't go through the same thing. It all sounds VERY strange. And victims are NOT supposed to be serving orders and they are to be served immediately.

Great plan in this. I applaud everything you're real life example of how you have to address things when there has been some judicial failings. I have found in my experience that cops really do want to help in these situations. You may get some legal grief for changing the locks. Hope not but I wouldn't be shocked at all. Being his legal residence would be my concern there. Doesn't mean don't change them. It's best for you.

I can't tell you you will sleep well but that will get better. In time. But hang tough, I am totally behind you in what you have done to think out the best outcome for yourself in this.

Get the ball moving, stay on target, and think safe like this. You can do this.

I'm with Lexie, this order seems to be more along the lines of custody then a DV protective order. The only part that seems close is the part where he is not granted visitation, so no reason at all he should show up at your home. And if he does, he can then be arrested.

Yes--if you communicate to him in any way that he is not welcome at your home and that you will consider it trespassing if he shows up (if your friend hasn't served him yet you could give her a letter to hand him at the same time, which she can witness so he can't claim he didn't know), that would probably be enough to have him arrested if he shows up.

Better yet, you could add your own sort of "no contact" notice to such a letter that any communications not DIRECTLY INVOLVING the child will be considered by you as harassment and reported to the police, accordingly. If he persists in contacting you that might be sufficient for the police to charge him, depending on the law in the jurisdiction where you live. At the very least you will be putting him on notice and building a record that might help you later.

Hugs, please do contact an advocate for safety planning. They are EXPERTS at what can keep you safe until you go to court or can get other relief.

Thank you, Lexie. I contacted AXBF and let him know that any contact not involving our daughter would be considered harassment and reported to the police.

I filed the paperwork through a workshop facilitated by a lawyer who works for a local DV shelter. I am absolutely certain that I filed a domestic violence restraining order. In my jurisdiction, when a party files one with children involved, it automatically becomes a custody order as well.

My restraining order was partly granted and partly denied. What was I denied? All of the things you typically associate with a restraining order: move out, stay away, mandatory alcohol and anger management classes, etc. I have to fight for these things at the hearing in three weeks--and I'll be fighting for custody at the same time. It's a pretty messed up system...

OK, just a suggestion--if you'd like to run anything by me, do it before the end of next week--I'm gonna be out of commission for the most part for a couple of weeks after that. The order still strikes me as very odd. If the only thing the court thought you needed was a custody/visitation order, it would typically simply deny the order and have you proceed in family court for the custody/visitation. The only thing I can think of is that maybe the judge thought your child needed protection but not you? It's really weird.

I'm breathing a big (although tentative) sigh of relief today--and remaining vigilant until the hearing.

My friend was able to serve the papers without incident. I think it helped that she was a familiar face, and they always got along well before things escalated. He did try to convince her that I'm crazy: "Don't you think she's being extreme?"

About an hour later, he called me. He seemed more annoyed than anything else, and calm, almost as if he has resigned himself to losing custody of our daughter. (Almost. I'm not letting my guard down.) Then, he tried to convince me that I'm crazy. I must be suffering from post-partum depression, don't ya know? I couldn't possible be suffering from post-partum idiotic alcohol-guzzling baby daddy syndrome. At least I know what story he'll be spinning for the judge. Bring on the psychological evaluations!

His mother agreed to store his belongings at her house, which is one less reason for him to come here and one less thing for me to worry about.

I didn't hear a peep from him last night or today. I hope that means he's respecting the restraining order.

And lastly, I spent a very lovely afternoon at the park with my daughter. She loves to lay on her back and watch the leaves dance in the wind. I still feel sad that he's missing it all--but that's his choice.

"post-partum idiotic alcohol-guzzling baby daddy syndrome"

LOVE IT!! With an attitude like that, nobody's gonna be able to mess with you for long.

I replied to your PM. :)