Too scared to go to alanon
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 15
Too scared to go to alanon
I've been reading other threads about family of alcoholics going to alanon meetings. I had myself halfway convinced that I might go to one, but then thought about my situation. What would I say? Hi , I met my first boyfriend on an online dating site at 21, and he is an alcoholic, and I make a lot of money and he doesn't, and he drinks every night, and I don't have the guts to leave him cuz he is my first. In my own head, I sounded like a loser. I feel as though I will be judged very hard. Are these meetings judgement free? I don't know. I hardly know much bout them at all.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Colors39 
I've been reading other threads about family of alcoholics going to alanon meetings. I had myself halfway convinced that I might go to one, but then thought about my situation. What would I say? Hi , I met my first boyfriend on an online dating site at 21, and he is an alcoholic, and I make a lot of money and he doesn't, and he drinks every night, and I don't have the guts to leave him cuz he is my first. In my own head, I sounded like a loser. I feel as though I will be judged very hard. Are these meetings judgement free? I don't know. I hardly know much bout them at all.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
I go to a support group same as alanon in the uk. It's a huge help and no one judges at all they welcomed me with open arms and genuine concern.
I was in bits crying when I walked in and they just let me compose myself and offered me the opportunity to talk when I was ready.
A lot of the time the pressure of my job can make me have a lot less patience with him than I should. Talking to them can help me deal with that.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi!
One good reason to attend is to hear other people's stories and not your own.
There's no big spotlight on you there trust me.
You don't have to say a word and no one will judge you I promise.
Listen to others. After a few people have spoken you will begin to relax and see that being with others who truly get it will be a huge relief x
One good reason to attend is to hear other people's stories and not your own.
There's no big spotlight on you there trust me.
You don't have to say a word and no one will judge you I promise.
Listen to others. After a few people have spoken you will begin to relax and see that being with others who truly get it will be a huge relief x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Too scared to go to alanon"
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there. I dont know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself. I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnt know that one of the definitions of courage is the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear. Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there. I dont know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself. I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnt know that one of the definitions of courage is the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear. Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
1) If they're being judgmental, screw them. That said, it's highly unlikely.
2) You just have to sit and listen. You're not obligated to speak.
And that makes you a loser because???
I met my husband on an online dating site. Nothing wrong with that.
And you're not a stark raving lunatic at this point. You definitely have more endurance than I do. I should be getting tips from YOU!
I didn't have the guts to leave my SECOND ex-fiance because I loved him. Even though he cheated on me. Even though my friends and family all collectively agreed he was a bonafide, pretentious, little $#!7. He broke up with me, and now I'm ashamed that he had the courage to end something that obviously wasn't working and I didn't. We have all been there. And anybody who hasn't has either won the lottery or is lying through their teeth. Your pick.
Screw the stress. Screw the fear. Just screw it.
2) You just have to sit and listen. You're not obligated to speak.
I make a lot of money
I met my first boyfriend on an online dating site at 21
I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes.
I don't have the guts to leave him cuz he is my first.
Screw the stress. Screw the fear. Just screw it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Every single person who has loved an alcoholic partner feels like s/he made the biggest mistakes in the world. Believe me, nobody is going to judge you in Al-Anon!
The focus will be on what we all can do to make OUR lives better. For some people, that ultimately means they will leave--but in their own time and on their own terms. Nobody is going to insist you leave immediately (I'm assuming there is no physical or extreme emotional abuse--that constitutes an actual emergency where leaving sooner rather than later might be encouraged).
Al-Anon is a place where you will learn to turn down the noise in your head. To put down the burdens of fear and guilt that prevent you from seeing things as they actually are, and the options that you actually have.
As noted, no one is required to share in Al-Anon. In some groups you raise your hand if you want to share. In others, they go around the room, but it's perfectly acceptable to say, "Pass," or "I'm just here to listen today." Also, there is no "cross talk" in most groups--people don't respond directly to someone else's share, so nobody will be giving advice or passing judgment on what someone else has said.
Finally, Al-Anon is a warm and welcoming group. Give it a shot.
The focus will be on what we all can do to make OUR lives better. For some people, that ultimately means they will leave--but in their own time and on their own terms. Nobody is going to insist you leave immediately (I'm assuming there is no physical or extreme emotional abuse--that constitutes an actual emergency where leaving sooner rather than later might be encouraged).
Al-Anon is a place where you will learn to turn down the noise in your head. To put down the burdens of fear and guilt that prevent you from seeing things as they actually are, and the options that you actually have.
As noted, no one is required to share in Al-Anon. In some groups you raise your hand if you want to share. In others, they go around the room, but it's perfectly acceptable to say, "Pass," or "I'm just here to listen today." Also, there is no "cross talk" in most groups--people don't respond directly to someone else's share, so nobody will be giving advice or passing judgment on what someone else has said.
Finally, Al-Anon is a warm and welcoming group. Give it a shot.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There are no musts in al-anon, the group is there for support as each and every single person there has someone in their life with an alcohol issue that is affecting them. You don’t have to share, you don’t have to say a thing, just listen and get a feel for it by attending several meetings before you decide if it’s for you or not. I would suggest that you grab some of the literature to read as well.
I've been in al-anon a long time and I've yet to hear anyone judge someone in the meetings or question them.
I've been in al-anon a long time and I've yet to hear anyone judge someone in the meetings or question them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't have to say anything or make a speech at an alanon meeting. you can just go, observe and listen. understand that alanon is NOT about the alcoholic, the focus is on the loved one and what THEY need to feel healthier and stronger, and make wise clear headed choices as they go forward in life.
your situation, while deeply personal to you, is not unique. you are not alone.
your situation, while deeply personal to you, is not unique. you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Colors39
I've been reading other threads about family of alcoholics going to alanon meetings. I had myself halfway convinced that I might go to one, but then thought about my situation. What would I say? Hi , I met my first boyfriend on an online dating site at 21, and he is an alcoholic, and I make a lot of money and he doesn't, and he drinks every night, and I don't have the guts to leave him cuz he is my first. In my own head, I sounded like a loser. I feel as though I will be judged very hard. Are these meetings judgement free? I don't know. I hardly know much bout them at all.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
I am getting very stressed out. I have worked 7 days in a row this week, 6 of which are closes. My work is stressing me out. I am so easily able to stand up for myself at work, and am training to be a manager. Why cannot I not stand up in my relationship? WHY? Such a coward I am.
The stress is getting to me...so bad.
I found I needed to be careful before and after the meetings because these rules of no cross talk didnt apply.. and after I showed up a few times and had shared about my situation then I did get some unwelcome speeches, opinions, and lectures on my situation, how the AA and Alanon ideas would suggest I handle things. It was rather upsetting and confusing at first probably because I was emotional. Everything in the meetings is just a suggestion, and you can toss out anything that doesnt work for you personally. I learned to not show up early or hang around afterward unless there was someone I wanted to chat with specifically. Not everyone was a busy body, just a few that I encountered. I havent went in a while now but I wouldnt be afraid to try it, and see if its beneficial to you. There are some other family groups around also, that arent based solely on 12 step if your interested in variety.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Colors....I think you will find it to be a very welcoming place, and that those, there, will have an understanding that goes beyond mere words....
After all, they have all loved and alcoholic, in some way or another, too....
After all, they have all loved and alcoholic, in some way or another, too....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
My experience of Al-Anon is that most people don't share their story unless they are the featured speaker (20 mins or so at the beginning.) A few shares might entail something specific if they are having an especially emotional week. But there is absolutely no expectation for you to introduce yourself via your story and there is absolutely no expectation for everyone to talk. Some new people find great relief in being heard and received by a group that understands. Most new people (IME) just sit quietly and when it's their turn, thank the group for being there. Every single person in that room was new once and beyond overwhelmed, just as you are.
When it's your turn to share, you can say "Hi, I'm Colors" ("Hi Colors!") This is my first meeting and I just want to thank everyone for being here." That is actually pretty typical for a new person to say their first few meetings. Even people who have been going for a long time don't always feel like talking and it's perfectly fine to say "I'm just listening today, thanks."
And yes - remember that just about everyone in that room loves an alcoholic, just like you do.
When it's your turn to share, you can say "Hi, I'm Colors" ("Hi Colors!") This is my first meeting and I just want to thank everyone for being here." That is actually pretty typical for a new person to say their first few meetings. Even people who have been going for a long time don't always feel like talking and it's perfectly fine to say "I'm just listening today, thanks."
And yes - remember that just about everyone in that room loves an alcoholic, just like you do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by aliciagr
During the meetings themselves, there is not supposed to be any cross talk. Meaning no one should interrupt you, or pipe up with advice or criticism. Shares are supposed to be about ourselves and not so much about our significant other, but its not always so from my experience. Its doubtful during the meeting itself anyone would comment negatively to you.
I found I needed to be careful before and after the meetings because these rules of no cross talk didnt apply.. and after I showed up a few times and had shared about my situation then I did get some unwelcome speeches, opinions, and lectures on my situation, how the AA and Alanon ideas would suggest I handle things. It was rather upsetting and confusing at first probably because I was emotional. Everything in the meetings is just a suggestion, and you can toss out anything that doesnt work for you personally. I learned to not show up early or hang around afterward unless there was someone I wanted to chat with specifically. Not everyone was a busy body, just a few that I encountered. I havent went in a while now but I wouldnt be afraid to try it, and see if its beneficial to you. There are some other family groups around also, that arent based solely on 12 step if your interested in variety.
I found I needed to be careful before and after the meetings because these rules of no cross talk didnt apply.. and after I showed up a few times and had shared about my situation then I did get some unwelcome speeches, opinions, and lectures on my situation, how the AA and Alanon ideas would suggest I handle things. It was rather upsetting and confusing at first probably because I was emotional. Everything in the meetings is just a suggestion, and you can toss out anything that doesnt work for you personally. I learned to not show up early or hang around afterward unless there was someone I wanted to chat with specifically. Not everyone was a busy body, just a few that I encountered. I havent went in a while now but I wouldnt be afraid to try it, and see if its beneficial to you. There are some other family groups around also, that arent based solely on 12 step if your interested in variety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Remember that just as in any group, there might be personalities that you don't much resonate with, so try a few groups until you find one that rings your bells.
Also, it's recommended to go to a few beginner's meetings at first, but if you're feeling so very reluctant to talk to anyone, you might skip that and just go straight to the main meeting.
Also, it's recommended to go to a few beginner's meetings at first, but if you're feeling so very reluctant to talk to anyone, you might skip that and just go straight to the main meeting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
You are judging yourself far more and harsher than anyone else. Al-Anon is judgement free in my experience. You would say something along the lines of “Hi, my name is.....this is my first meeting”. You should not be asked to share anything beyond that, ever, if you are, a simple: “I'm not ready to share, thank you” is very normal in my experience. When you do feel comfortable enough to share in the future, your best guide is to listen to what others share and see if there is something in their share that you can relate with.
I suspect that you are in for a very pleasant surprise when you go, you'll soon be leaving your stress at the door and find great solace in a place where you can just be you among a bunch of other folks from all walks of life just sharing their struggles and triumphs on their path to healing.
p.s. bring tissues (it can be powerfully emotional when you realize that everyone there just gets it, without even saying anything, they get it).
I suspect that you are in for a very pleasant surprise when you go, you'll soon be leaving your stress at the door and find great solace in a place where you can just be you among a bunch of other folks from all walks of life just sharing their struggles and triumphs on their path to healing.
p.s. bring tissues (it can be powerfully emotional when you realize that everyone there just gets it, without even saying anything, they get it).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Yep, that's^^ pretty much how my first meeting was too, only I think I managed to add "I'm here b/c I feel so alone." It was a beginner's meeting, and that night they were drawing straws for a copy of "How Alanon Works." I did not win the drawing, but the newbie who DID win looked across the table and said "you know, I think SHE needs this more than I do--here, you can have it." The "SHE" she was talking about was ME, and I imagine I did look pretty wretched, certainly felt it!
I went home clutching that book like it was my shield, my life preserver, my oxygen supply. I read from it lying in bed that night, and I actually slept afterwards.
I went home clutching that book like it was my shield, my life preserver, my oxygen supply. I read from it lying in bed that night, and I actually slept afterwards.
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