Coffeebean9

well it's been a little while since I've posted but I got to my breaking point and packed up his clothes and said we are done I'm taking the kids..... well I yelled and said my peace and he said one more night and ill be done.
well it's been two weeks of no actual beer. but these odouls and Busch NA are being drank like real beers, just not getting drunk obviously. he seems to be fine. not going to AA or anything just doing it himself. had anyone ever experienced this.... a switch to non alcoholic beer as a means of "quitting".... does it work in the long run?!

..... we've been together for 4 years and have 2 under 3.... not a new relationship!

suki44883

Sounds like he is drinking the "non-alcoholic" beer like an alcoholic. He seems to have addiction issues. If he is an alcoholic, it won't be long before the NA beer will lose its appeal, but allow him to think he's not an alcoholic, and he'll go back to drinking the real stuff.

If he is an alcoholic, this NA drinking won't last too long.

Coffeebean9

that's what I was thinking. now he's trying to buy a motorcycle!!!! seriously! reward yourself for two weeks of not drinking and I get nothing.... mind you the ones he's showing me have no backseat..... omg, still selfish.

Forward12

Highly unlikely. It sounds like he's only quitting because he feels forced to, and not because he truly wants sobriety. Also that he is guzzling n/a beer and doing nothing else for recovery, don't expect this short sobriety stint to last long,..

Mpie9

My ex tried this for like a day. I guess its a way of weaning off, kinda like using carbonated drinks to mimic the sensation of beer. I'm not sure if it works, but he should also be doing something for his recovery other than switching to O'douls, like AA or therapy.

xo

dandylion

Coffeebean....From what I have seen, the non-alcoholic beer thing doesn't last very long. It seems , to me, to be a part of the "white knuckling" experience....
I imagine that he is trying to prove that he "can do it himself", or that he isn't really an alcoholic...or, to get you off his back about his drinking.....
this is typical of those, who aren't ready to completely give up drinking for the rest of their lives....
It is a big deal to give up drinking for the rest of one's life (if they are an alcoholic).....It feels like an Impossibility to them....It is how they cope with their feelings and emotions...and, addiction is a powerful force. within itself....
Alcoholics don't drink to deliberately hurt you....it is what they do...
It has nothing to do with you...it is about what is within them....
I doubt that he is ready to be co mmitted to sobriety and recovery....for most people, that usually comes after a lot of pain and loss....
Probably, the only thing that y ou can do about his drinking, at this point, is to get out of his way and take care of yourself and your children.....
It won't do you any good to fight with him about it, either....he already has a "war" going on in his head 24/7.....(the addiction)....
fighting with him only gets you more upset and wears you out....

I hope you will continue to post and learn.....

dandylion

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

Coffebean.....this is a good article for you to use, just now......

LexieCat

No, it doesn't work. I had a few N/A beers when I was newly sober (I was not really a "beer drinker"--I was someone who actually DID like the taste/sensation of drinking beer, and the N/A beers are tasty), but it finally struck me that it was a stupid and risky thing to do. I haven't had one since my first year sober, and will never have another.

But as a MEANS of quitting? No--just, no.

I agree that he's trying to "prove" to himself that he gets along fine without alcohol. I predict it won't last long.

tomsteve

odouls is .5% alcohol by volume
busch NA is .5% alcohol by volume.

Coffeebean9

thank you guys. I was prepared to be a single mother and be done with this mess. he knew I was serious, leaving him completely was not a threat I wasnt going to follow through with. with that being said since he has chosen to drink NA beer..... I have stayed a little longer to see what happens..... goid is the first time since I've ever met him he hasn't drank for this long. he's gotten a lot done around the house and the yard so there has been an upside buuuttttt... what course of action is the smartest if he is to give up and just go back to drinking.... forgive a slip you? or roll out and tell him he's full of ish?

LexieCat

I'm not someone terribly sensitive to alcohol--I don't worry about using mouthwash with it or about food cooked in it--it's never made me want to drink. But there's no telling--for some people consuming even small amounts can trigger craving. I don't do anything that mimics drinking anymore, though--no N/A beer, no tiny sips of champagne (even if it's no more than I'd get from using mouthwash). That's a personal issue, I think, and coming up on nine years I'm comfortable with the idea that I know what's risky for ME.

I think the question here is whether that's a long-term way of avoiding drinking. I knew one guy I worked with who would regularly hang out in the bar we used to go to, who drank only O'Doul's. I don't know whether he was in any recovery program, but it seemed to work for him. Some people really ARE only heavy drinkers and not alcoholics. So I don't want to say it could never be effective for that sort of person.

I think the bottom line is that you'll find out soon enough whether he sticks with it and whether "managing" it this way is something that brings about the changes you need to see.

Coffeebean9

lexiecat it seems to me he just likes the taste of beer and the familiarity of relaxing after cutting down 20 trees in one day.... I looked in his work truck and there are 2 empty 6 packs of odouls behind the seat from the past 2 days thats not even the busch NA that's in the house. it just seems to be a little extreme and costly. idk. he seems to be a lot happier most of the time. I'm not trying to fix him or help him anymore than I've tried it doesn't work I just wanted to see if this is the classic white knuckling it til she shuts up.

so until then i guess it's occasional mary-j and NA beer.

dandylion

Coffeebean...did you read the article I linked to you in my above post? This should answer a lot of questions that you have ...when they promise to quit drinking.....Please do read it....
It is not about "forgiving", exactly...it is more about facing reality of his disease (even if he can't, right now)....Recognizing what it means for you and your children....
Drinking alcohol is not a "sin" that has to be forgiven....to my way of thinking.
It has nothing to do with morality...it is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit....
I don't think that alcoholics drink to hurt their loved ones (though, it does)...that is not their intention...Alcoholics drink because it is an overwhelming compulsion---and, they do it to feel better....
What I am trying to say is....you are not faced with forgiving as much as you are faced with making decisions for yourself and children....Only he can make the decisions for yourself...
Around here, we have a saying....
"You didn't cause it. You can't control it...and you can't cure it".....The 3 Cs..

Sure, you can discuss it with him....and, you can lay all your cards on the table....
At least, he will know where you are coming from....
Be aware, though, that he will not absorb much of it, if he is not ready to hear the message....
So, I don't suggest that you beat your wings, fighting with him , over it...it will just wear you out....and, wear you down...
If he isn't ready...he isn't ready....

also...remember to never talk to an alcoholic about their drinking when they are drinking...it is a waste of your breath....Best done when they are in a sober state.

dandylion

Coffeebean....be aware that some addicts will change one drug of choice for another......

Also, there is more to recovery than just putting down the bottle...
Putting down the bottle is "sober"....
Recovery encompasses changes from within....changes in thinking, attitudes and behaviors....this is what the 12 steps of AA addresses....
Just so you know......

Coffeebean9

yes I understand. since he's been sober I've made it a point to ask him how his day was. how is he feeling ( without drinking and it's affects). just checking up on him to let him know i support him but he has not once asked me how i feel. am I ok? seeing that 2 weeks ago I was leaving him. I mean no consideration, he seems to think he'll just quit drinking and everything will go back to normal????

i don't remember normalcy with him. the lack of intimacy or empathy for what I've had to deal with is killing me. I was absolutely disgusted with him. he just replaced the bed because it was stained so bad i wouldn't sleep in it because of his past drinking...... then wants to buy a motorcycle? I just don't know if it's the drinking or the selfishness of true self that i can't stand.

dandylion

To answer your question, simply...yep. that is usually what they expect....

The alcoholic lives in a world that is defined by the alcoholic filter...and it relies on lots and lots of denial. If they were to "see" and admit to the effects that their drinking has on their loved ones (and, even themselves)...they wouldn't be able to drink....In order to continue to drink....it is necessary to turn a blind eye...and rationalize al of their actions...and to deflect the blame on to others,,,and to lie to themselves and others....
If they didn't do all of those things...it is likely that the shame and guilt would eat them up...and. they wouldn't be able to even enjoy their drinking...they would have to quit!
Inside the alcoholic mind is a constant battle between the "alcoholic self" and the true self....24/7....

In addition...if they started drinking at a young age. they may not have had normal emotional growth...and, may be very stunted in terms of maturity and developing good life skills...like assuming responsibility, developing empathy for others, meeting life on life's terms, etc...they may be ill prepared to be an equal partner in a relationship....For them, part of recovery may actually mean "growing up"...lol...

Coffeebean9

thank you so much. he did start drinking very early and seemed to be very reckless most of his life, only 29, always had money and a job but mostly inconsiderate, helping the weak to make gin feel superior (or morally sound). what you just explained was how my grandfather explained how my AH's grandfather was, just couldn't grow up.... he never did, took his life actually.

I just don't know if i want to waste my life struggling through this journey with him. it all sounds so draining

doggonecarl

Not my definition of recovery.

Coffeebean9

mine either. but I don't know what to do anymore so. I guess I'll just keep living my life to be better, he'll just habe to find out the hard way I guess. that's why I'm here though I'm lost. he's pulling out all the stops lol

hopeful4

It never worked for my X, it was too much like the real thing, without the benefit of the buzz he was craving.