AnvilheadII

pulling out all the stops............what does that mean exactly? so far he has not had a drink to your knowledge for two weeks. he's still selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate and considering buying himself a motorcycle. i wouldn't exactly call that doing a Full Court Press on Recovery.....

and sidebar - what IS it with men and motorcycles? i have had to intervene twice now when my husband was dangerously close to buying a used harley from one of his acquaintances, both of which were BAD DEALS, but all he could see was all the shiny chrome.

Coffeebean9

that's what I'm worried about... they don't do anything for that irritable feeling he gets dealing with the Kids and I... esp after a long day at work

Coffeebean9

buying a new bed and couch (ruined by incontinence) getting new shutters for house and helping me mulch the whole yard.... going to dinner with the kids and I.... things we never did before justto make me happy or were well past due..... but exactly what you said nothing has changed except for not drinking. same old shotty behaviors....

idk about the motorcycles.... i think its another escape from us and reality

dandylion

So. Coffeebean....would it be accurate to say that you feel trapped or stuck, right now, because he did whiteknuckling it and is sober....as far as alcoholi is concerned.......maybe, because you have wanted and asked that he stop drinking...and he has.....but, you still feel insecure about the future of your marriage.....
Maybe, you feel like he holds "all the cards" because he did the thing you asked...so, you have no right to ask for anything more?

dandylion

Anvil...I think it is about Power and Speed and Risk...which is tied to independence and freedom...those things are tied to testosterone and the cycle is between the legs, after all....

dandylion

Coffeebean...he probably thinks that doing those things are what will make you happy (you might want to read the book "5 languages of Love". Men often do those kinds of things to "demonstrate" their caring... LOL..He may have no freaking idea that you desire the more emotional things...like respect, emotional availability and emotional vulnerability, sharing of experiences, gentleness, nurturing behaviors, caring for the young, etc....
Moreover, he might not have a clue about how to go about those....

Coffeebean9

yes. I knew quitting drinking is one step in the right direction, but the damage done for years of me parenting alone are rushing in now and I'm a sahm so yes trapped is the best word. I see other families who go on trips, take family photos, enjoy outings together im always stuck faking a smile while he is stumbling around by the end of the night or isolating himself while he was the only one drinking..... now that he is done drinking and I am done breastfeeding, now i can leave the kids and enjoy myself for longer than an hour or two. he won't want to go anywhere i feel because people are drinking...... as a partner I should avoid situations but for the love of GOD after 4 years of pregnancy and bfing straight I could care less if he stayed home alone...... I'm still very bitter obviously.

Nedrax

2 weeks is not enough time to judge if he's actually committed to recovery- in my experience especially since you have small children I'd go with a breathalyzer purchase, was a game changer for me-really helped.

Its hard parenting alone, definitely understand how you feel there.

dandylion

Coffeebean....I have long said that I feel that there should be a law..that the alcoholic should live away from the family for the first year of sobriety (like in a mountain retreat in Nepal)....as it would be the most humane thing for all concerned...lol...
You should read all the many times, in the thousands of stories, here, about how the time after sobriety is worse than the original drinking period. This seems to come as a shock to so many people....
In early sobriety, the alcoholic is usually miserable inside their own head...and the family is reeling from disillusionment.....
that is why the alcoholic needs to rely heavily on their program (AA, sponsor and counselor) and the partner needs to do the same...(alanon or some such program and counselor).....
It is said that marriages that hang together for years through the drinking...breakup more, after the alcoholic puts down the bottle, than before.....
I think that the partner spends so many years believing that all the problems come from drinking and that if they would just stop drinking...all of the dreams would come true....
Yes, alcoholism and all the other stuff that comes with it does do a lot of damage.....

Ladybird579

My exah had vodka in his NA beer. It never works.

FallenAngelina

Non-alcohlic beer also doesn't address why he gets so irritable with his family. Parenting is full of all sorts of "adventures" in re-visiting our own childhoods and families of origin. Both you and he are in the thick of emotion that your young children are bringing up for you. Those feelings don't come out of the blue, but have everything to do with the atmosphere in your own childhoods. This is just one way in which the path of recovery can restore us to the peace that mere sobriety can't even begin to offer.