What would your advice be to yourself....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Trust your gut.
If you see red flags. Don't ignore them.
If they need rescuing. Don't.
If they are a wreck. Don't.
If they have had a life before you that was a mess. And doesn't seem to be any different. Don't.
Being alone is way better than being in something wrong.
I had to LOL at Anvil. me: men really aren't all they are cracked up to be.
Yep same goes for women. Meant in the same tone stated by her. :-)
If you see red flags. Don't ignore them.
If they need rescuing. Don't.
If they are a wreck. Don't.
If they have had a life before you that was a mess. And doesn't seem to be any different. Don't.
Being alone is way better than being in something wrong.
I had to LOL at Anvil. me: men really aren't all they are cracked up to be.
Yep same goes for women. Meant in the same tone stated by her. :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I would tell me," You don't have to own or try to fix anyone else's problems. You don't have to pretend everything is perfect when everything is broken. You don't have to shoulder all the burdens with a smile on your face...you will become a much stronger person when you lay that burden down."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
This is from an article I read a while ago about being single and is great advice when moving forward after being in a toxic relationship:
Move forward without fear and have faith that what is meant to be, will be. Your stress from this relationship is not worth it. Create your own MAGIC in every part of your life (smile, be inviting, lovable etc.) and don’t be a sitting duck waiting for someone to come and make you feel better. Be single, create a life and don’t define your life by what you are missing, thinking about the imaginary life you should be having with a man and constantly focusing on finding someone to make your life better. Relationships don’t define you; build yourself and do not lose /destroy yourself in relationships anymore. While almost everyone you know is in relationships and getting married (side note: they all bicker and have problems or aren’t happy), create your life and build yourself now so you can say, “Man, I had it good, back when my whole life was my own creation.” Because whatever you do right now to secure a feeling of pride and strength in yourself is something you did on your own, with no help. The satisfaction of that is a lot greater than it would be if you built it with someone else. Partners are good for a lot of things, but that feeling of building something on your own is irreplaceable. And if you ever get serious with someone, you’ll still turn to your independent work and personal projects as respite from the two-headed monster of togetherness. But you have to own your life. If you can’t own the life you have right now, ask yourself what needs to change to make you feel like more of a conquistador. You need to transform everything around you so it makes you feel more capable. You need to start behaving as if you are the hostess and the guest: Make elaborate meals for yourself. Buy yourself some ******* flowers and a bottle of desert wine. You need to work harder and treat yourself more, too. That’s what the married people with kids do have that you don’t: They’re forced to do hard things, they’re busy all the time, and they feel like they deserve a break. When they take a break, they feel good. A night out feels like a thrill. Little things like sitting down with a glass of wine feel more satisfying because they’re so rare. The constant companionship is not necessarily what brings happiness. The constant work definitely does. You need to build something. You need to start a new exercise program and take a cooking class and save money for a down payment alone. I guarantee you that the second you start building the life you want instead of waiting around for someone to save you, you’re going to start attracting people everywhere you go.
Move forward without fear and have faith that what is meant to be, will be. Your stress from this relationship is not worth it. Create your own MAGIC in every part of your life (smile, be inviting, lovable etc.) and don’t be a sitting duck waiting for someone to come and make you feel better. Be single, create a life and don’t define your life by what you are missing, thinking about the imaginary life you should be having with a man and constantly focusing on finding someone to make your life better. Relationships don’t define you; build yourself and do not lose /destroy yourself in relationships anymore. While almost everyone you know is in relationships and getting married (side note: they all bicker and have problems or aren’t happy), create your life and build yourself now so you can say, “Man, I had it good, back when my whole life was my own creation.” Because whatever you do right now to secure a feeling of pride and strength in yourself is something you did on your own, with no help. The satisfaction of that is a lot greater than it would be if you built it with someone else. Partners are good for a lot of things, but that feeling of building something on your own is irreplaceable. And if you ever get serious with someone, you’ll still turn to your independent work and personal projects as respite from the two-headed monster of togetherness. But you have to own your life. If you can’t own the life you have right now, ask yourself what needs to change to make you feel like more of a conquistador. You need to transform everything around you so it makes you feel more capable. You need to start behaving as if you are the hostess and the guest: Make elaborate meals for yourself. Buy yourself some ******* flowers and a bottle of desert wine. You need to work harder and treat yourself more, too. That’s what the married people with kids do have that you don’t: They’re forced to do hard things, they’re busy all the time, and they feel like they deserve a break. When they take a break, they feel good. A night out feels like a thrill. Little things like sitting down with a glass of wine feel more satisfying because they’re so rare. The constant companionship is not necessarily what brings happiness. The constant work definitely does. You need to build something. You need to start a new exercise program and take a cooking class and save money for a down payment alone. I guarantee you that the second you start building the life you want instead of waiting around for someone to save you, you’re going to start attracting people everywhere you go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Be my real shelf. Trust my gut instinct and don't over ride it. If something feels uncomfortable, move away quietly and smoothly. Love my introvert self. Loud addicts are the exact opposite of what my heart and soul like and enjoy. Don't change myself for anyone. Nowhere, no how.
Be kind to myself. Putting myself in situations that literally make me feel ill isn't being kind to myself.
Don't enable or humour people. This ALWAYS ends in disaster for me. Always gives me pain and usually costs me money.
Pause, pause and pause again. My unhealthy reaction is to rush in and fix/rescue. Don't. Is arrogant of me besides giving me heartache. Getting me into awful positions which then give my self esteem a bashing as I try to dig myself out.
"No" is a full sentence as is the glorious Al-anon "oh".
If someone is hitting my buttons to get me to do something or give them something, be aware enough to feel it, then make my exit. Don't be around people like that. They will move on and find another supplier!!
Equally if I would like something, I need to plainly politely state it. Not hint or manipulate.
Don't bother to try and manage hubby's alcohol quit. Pay attention to my own quits.
My quit list is long but manageable with care.
Some thing that I hear in Al-anon shares that really makes sense to me is that drinkers do insane things when drink is in their body, however I can easily do those same insane things with no drink in my body! Hence pause, pause and pause again. 😀
Be kind to myself. Putting myself in situations that literally make me feel ill isn't being kind to myself.
Don't enable or humour people. This ALWAYS ends in disaster for me. Always gives me pain and usually costs me money.
Pause, pause and pause again. My unhealthy reaction is to rush in and fix/rescue. Don't. Is arrogant of me besides giving me heartache. Getting me into awful positions which then give my self esteem a bashing as I try to dig myself out.
"No" is a full sentence as is the glorious Al-anon "oh".
If someone is hitting my buttons to get me to do something or give them something, be aware enough to feel it, then make my exit. Don't be around people like that. They will move on and find another supplier!!
Equally if I would like something, I need to plainly politely state it. Not hint or manipulate.
Don't bother to try and manage hubby's alcohol quit. Pay attention to my own quits.
My quit list is long but manageable with care.
Some thing that I hear in Al-anon shares that really makes sense to me is that drinkers do insane things when drink is in their body, however I can easily do those same insane things with no drink in my body! Hence pause, pause and pause again. 😀
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Believe that you deserve a mature, Godly, kind, gentle, responsible, fully-grown adult man for a husband! Don't just fall for the first man who comes into your life because you don't think there will ever be another. There will be! Hold onto your standards 
(Would have been nice advice prior to my marriage to my ex-husband!)
(Would have been nice advice prior to my marriage to my ex-husband!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
To keep the focus on yourself. Listen to other people but guide your own life. This life is about your happiness. Have a list of goals and standards and do what you need to do make them happen even if others disagree. Only you can make your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess it depends on when I was getting the advise.
If it was before I was married, it would be to run, run like a pack of wolves is chasing me down and is going to kill me.
If it was after I was married, it would be to know the three C's, and not waste time thinking you can change someone who will never, ever change.
Lastly, it would be to put my children first, EVERY SINGLE TIME.
If it was before I was married, it would be to run, run like a pack of wolves is chasing me down and is going to kill me.
If it was after I was married, it would be to know the three C's, and not waste time thinking you can change someone who will never, ever change.
Lastly, it would be to put my children first, EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Dear 19 year old me: Stop dieting, 102 lbs is too small, try to be healthy and learn to love yourself before you love anyone else.
21 year old me on my wedding day: That feeling in your gut that says RUN GIRL RUN? LISTEN TO IT. DO NOT WALK DOWN THAT AISLE!
23 year old me: Leave while you have the chance, stop trying to help him. It's only going to get worse.
Future 25 year old me: Please be smarter and stronger than the previous years.
21 year old me on my wedding day: That feeling in your gut that says RUN GIRL RUN? LISTEN TO IT. DO NOT WALK DOWN THAT AISLE!
23 year old me: Leave while you have the chance, stop trying to help him. It's only going to get worse.
Future 25 year old me: Please be smarter and stronger than the previous years.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
What would your advice be to yourself....
i assume this means if i could go back in time.
ive asked myself that after i got sober.
after facing my codependency, which i started addressing a few years into sobriety, my advise to me would be the same for both:
i would be talking to the same man i was back then, so i wouldnt waste my breath. i knew everything and denied anything.
i assume this means if i could go back in time.
ive asked myself that after i got sober.
after facing my codependency, which i started addressing a few years into sobriety, my advise to me would be the same for both:
i would be talking to the same man i was back then, so i wouldnt waste my breath. i knew everything and denied anything.
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