Timing
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
If you care to say, why did you stay with your AGF for four years? If her wanting to be close with your family was met with reluctance on your part, why even spend a few months with her if you felt that she was someone you couldn't trust around your family? I guess I don't understand how someone can be attracted to an alcoholic for this long and have absolutely no co-dependent thinking going on. I, myself, just spent 1 1/2 years with the first active alcoholic of my life and it took about 10 months for me to recognize that we were in a conflict pattern (cycle) and it took about 11 months for me to recognize my part in it as co-dependent thinking. I had never dealt with active alcoholism before and had never been involved with an active addict, but now I recognize how co-dependency has been a part of many of my love relationships - nowhere near as dramatically as with my ABF, but it's certainly been present in my experience of intimacy. My attraction to my ABF did not come out of nowhere.
So, if I may ask, what kept you in your relationship with an active alcoholic for four years?
So, if I may ask, what kept you in your relationship with an active alcoholic for four years?
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Ok. Then, why in the world do you waste time here Hangn? In all seriousness - if your recovery is either so strong or not even necessary like the rest of us, what do you have to gain by continuing to stay MENTALLY enmeshed with addiction, by choice? Your ex is long gone, no?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
It's interesting but Abf was my first relationship with an addict - never experienced addiction before that. Had no clue what it really was. Funny thing? He's a mirror image of my last two relationships, notably with non-addicts. Totally nothing to do with addiction but almost every trait and experience seems to match, with addiction being the only difference. Everything else almost to a T. Fear, abuse, jealousy, control, obsession....soooo present in each situation.
For me, it only took life with an addict to recognize I had some major issues myself. And that's simply because addiction has very real and very obvious symptoms that almost force it all out. Force out the self-examination of why I have chosen abusive relationships all my adult life despite growing up without any abuse.
We all have our own journey. I'm glad you're out of your toxic relationship Hang. It might be interesting for you to dig a bit into what made you stay and if you too saw any traits in prior partners that drew you to them. Otherwise it's entirely possible that this was a one and done chapter in your life but....what do I know
For me, it only took life with an addict to recognize I had some major issues myself. And that's simply because addiction has very real and very obvious symptoms that almost force it all out. Force out the self-examination of why I have chosen abusive relationships all my adult life despite growing up without any abuse.
We all have our own journey. I'm glad you're out of your toxic relationship Hang. It might be interesting for you to dig a bit into what made you stay and if you too saw any traits in prior partners that drew you to them. Otherwise it's entirely possible that this was a one and done chapter in your life but....what do I know
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Smarie78
It's interesting but Abf was my first relationship with an addict - never experienced addiction before that. Had no clue what it really was. Funny thing? He's a mirror image of my last two relationships, notably with non-addicts. Totally nothing to do with addiction but almost every trait and experience seems to match, with addiction being the only difference. Everything else almost to a T. Fear, abuse, jealousy, control, obsession....soooo present in each situation.
For me, it only took life with an addict to recognize I had some major issues myself. And that's simply because addiction has very real and very obvious symptoms that almost force it all out. Force out the self-examination of why I have chosen abusive relationships all my adult life despite growing up without any abuse.
We all have our own journey. I'm glad you're out of your toxic relationship Hang. It might be interesting for you to dig a bit into what made you stay and if you too saw any traits in prior partners that drew you to them. Otherwise it's entirely possible that this was a one and done chapter in your life but....what do I know
For me, it only took life with an addict to recognize I had some major issues myself. And that's simply because addiction has very real and very obvious symptoms that almost force it all out. Force out the self-examination of why I have chosen abusive relationships all my adult life despite growing up without any abuse.
We all have our own journey. I'm glad you're out of your toxic relationship Hang. It might be interesting for you to dig a bit into what made you stay and if you too saw any traits in prior partners that drew you to them. Otherwise it's entirely possible that this was a one and done chapter in your life but....what do I know
Trust me I spent a lot of time trying to resolve the feeling of total personal stupidity I felt for my willingness to be with one. Therapy helped me a lot there.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
I'm happy to answer. Perhaps in another thread. Like maybe why did we stay thread.
What is "waiting to get married" if not to give ourselves time to experience and evaluate what this other person brings up for us? Nobody gets involved with an alcoholic because they are stupid, but because they are drawn to them.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I lived with my exah 18 months before we married. He hid his alcoholism for 18 months and on our wedding day..I kid you not..he got wasted. I still didn't realise. I thought it was a wedding day thing. I'd never get married again.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Alright it has a lot to do with the individual partner you're considering. In the case of my XAGF, we had different backgrounds, different baseline points of references. Different moral stances. None of these have to be bad they just have to be understood as differing. She convinced me that she wanted to be with a guy like me rather than guys like them, because she picked guys that were similar to her and wanted to change that pattern of behavior. She was my first effort at allowing myself to consider something that was different from my normal partner I'd consider. My attraction to her was my belief based on how I processed her long efforts of discussion about them, of her wanting to make a better life for herself, her professional acumen, her ability to show toughness in the face of adversities, her TomBoyish qualities.
Nonetheless, in her case what normally took me weeks to establish for comfort and communication in my typical choice, took months for her. All the while she was pushing me to hurry up and commit. A lot was because we didn't come from the same points of reference. She had been abandoned at 2 by her parents (both addicts), my parents were married til death due they part. I should not penalize anyone for a bad start like this, was my thinking. My naive thinking. Penalize isn't the right word, but qualify if I want to get in the middle of demons I had nothing to do with is a better way of protecting ourselves. For her what I later learned is that demon of being abandoned was a huge one for her. Again naive me for not knowing the magnitude of these. It was all new to me. She wasn't the first woman I knew that had a broken home as a child. Just the first that it was a life draining demon she carried.
So there are several examples like that that took months to even learn to maneuver through. All the while she leads a double life of drinking and having fairly random and often sex partners. All unknown to me. Which leads to her being fired. You feel bad for someone that gets fired particularly when you hear their version that victimizes them. Don't kick them while they are down type feeling. It was a series of me trying to be ever stable and supportive to an ever going spiral of events. I was ignorant to realizing I was dealing with a pathologically lying, mutli addicted mess. That was from her trying as hard as she could to hide all of that. And my being naive about it. I trusted her stupidly so. Or shall I say ignorantly so.
That coupled with a how busy I am with my life and didn't take any time to actually follow up on what I was being told. Made for her to have a perfect cover to carry on as she could manage.
Hopefully that quick summary will help keep this on thread topic.
No 2 people are alike in how easy we gain comfort. There is no set timetable for anyone. If you don't feel comfortable in 3 months, in 6 months, in 3 years, that doesn't mean you aren't still finding value in the person. When my XABF wasn't exercising her demons, she was warm, tender, giving, and loved to try and make people happy. Unfortunately the glow of a new person in her life eventually lost out to how much time the demons took away from it.
My dad was 55 years old before we ever became close. We had to learn how to find each other better. He was still my father and I loved him, but that doesn't mean he was easy to be with. Nobodys fault it just the way things go sometimes.
Nonetheless, in her case what normally took me weeks to establish for comfort and communication in my typical choice, took months for her. All the while she was pushing me to hurry up and commit. A lot was because we didn't come from the same points of reference. She had been abandoned at 2 by her parents (both addicts), my parents were married til death due they part. I should not penalize anyone for a bad start like this, was my thinking. My naive thinking. Penalize isn't the right word, but qualify if I want to get in the middle of demons I had nothing to do with is a better way of protecting ourselves. For her what I later learned is that demon of being abandoned was a huge one for her. Again naive me for not knowing the magnitude of these. It was all new to me. She wasn't the first woman I knew that had a broken home as a child. Just the first that it was a life draining demon she carried.
So there are several examples like that that took months to even learn to maneuver through. All the while she leads a double life of drinking and having fairly random and often sex partners. All unknown to me. Which leads to her being fired. You feel bad for someone that gets fired particularly when you hear their version that victimizes them. Don't kick them while they are down type feeling. It was a series of me trying to be ever stable and supportive to an ever going spiral of events. I was ignorant to realizing I was dealing with a pathologically lying, mutli addicted mess. That was from her trying as hard as she could to hide all of that. And my being naive about it. I trusted her stupidly so. Or shall I say ignorantly so.
That coupled with a how busy I am with my life and didn't take any time to actually follow up on what I was being told. Made for her to have a perfect cover to carry on as she could manage.
Hopefully that quick summary will help keep this on thread topic.
No 2 people are alike in how easy we gain comfort. There is no set timetable for anyone. If you don't feel comfortable in 3 months, in 6 months, in 3 years, that doesn't mean you aren't still finding value in the person. When my XABF wasn't exercising her demons, she was warm, tender, giving, and loved to try and make people happy. Unfortunately the glow of a new person in her life eventually lost out to how much time the demons took away from it.
My dad was 55 years old before we ever became close. We had to learn how to find each other better. He was still my father and I loved him, but that doesn't mean he was easy to be with. Nobodys fault it just the way things go sometimes.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay people.
Where do you see sharing of personal experience, strength and hope in this thread? Where do you see the kind of post that would encourage a lurker, sitting in an ER because she just had an broken, or her jaw is wired, as a result of a beating.
I do not see that. This thread looks like FaceBook.
This thread is closed.
My next action will be to start handing out 3 day bans to people who can't seem to understand what the rules are at SR.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Where do you see sharing of personal experience, strength and hope in this thread? Where do you see the kind of post that would encourage a lurker, sitting in an ER because she just had an broken, or her jaw is wired, as a result of a beating.
I do not see that. This thread looks like FaceBook.
This thread is closed.
My next action will be to start handing out 3 day bans to people who can't seem to understand what the rules are at SR.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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