Not Sure What to Do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Denver CO
Posts: 13
Not Sure What to Do
My wife and I have not lived together for over 4.5 years. She has stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. She has been in 9 rehabs and 7 sober livings. I would have thought after 4.5 years out of the house and not seeing her younger girls (10 and 12) very often, she might have tried harder to get better. In this time 4.5 year time frame, she disappeared over 145 days where my girls and I had no idea where she was.
Most recently, she was kicked out of her sober living May 7th. Was in the hospital detox 4 days later. After being released, she disappeared for 10 days (missed Mother's Day). On the 11th day, the hospital called me and told me she was in the ICU on a ventilator because she was unresponsive. After she got off the ventilator, the hospital kept her for 10 days because she threatened suicide. From the hospital, she went in to a 3 weeks rehab (her 9th). After she got out, she managed to convince her mom to help her get an apartment which I felt she was not ready to have because there are no rules/consequences regarding her drinking. She has been in apartment for 9 days. Her daughters and I have not heard from her in 7 days. On Monday, I asked the apartment manager to do a welfare check. After that (Monday afternoon) my wife texted me "I'm fine. Leave me alone" but there were major misspellings. I believe she is drinking. It is not Thursday and kids still have not heard from her since last Thursday.
I don't know what to do. I don't have access to the apartment and she clearly wants to drink and not talk to anyone. So, how far do I go? Do I continually keep doing welfare checks? If she doesn't want my help, should I still help? This would be easier if this was the 1st time but it is not. I have searched for her and saved her life 15+ times when she was gone.
I have young girls that have been through a lot (in the car when she was drunk, she stole $ from them, she pushed my oldest daughter into a cabinet to get a bottle, she has fallen down the stairs and passed out while she was home, ambulance has gotten her 10+ times while they were there). This is why is stopped her leaving with me. I do not know when I should stop helping a let what happens happen. She could easily die from drinking. She has been on a ventilator 3 times since this started.
Any advice for tired husband and a scared dad?
Most recently, she was kicked out of her sober living May 7th. Was in the hospital detox 4 days later. After being released, she disappeared for 10 days (missed Mother's Day). On the 11th day, the hospital called me and told me she was in the ICU on a ventilator because she was unresponsive. After she got off the ventilator, the hospital kept her for 10 days because she threatened suicide. From the hospital, she went in to a 3 weeks rehab (her 9th). After she got out, she managed to convince her mom to help her get an apartment which I felt she was not ready to have because there are no rules/consequences regarding her drinking. She has been in apartment for 9 days. Her daughters and I have not heard from her in 7 days. On Monday, I asked the apartment manager to do a welfare check. After that (Monday afternoon) my wife texted me "I'm fine. Leave me alone" but there were major misspellings. I believe she is drinking. It is not Thursday and kids still have not heard from her since last Thursday.
I don't know what to do. I don't have access to the apartment and she clearly wants to drink and not talk to anyone. So, how far do I go? Do I continually keep doing welfare checks? If she doesn't want my help, should I still help? This would be easier if this was the 1st time but it is not. I have searched for her and saved her life 15+ times when she was gone.
I have young girls that have been through a lot (in the car when she was drunk, she stole $ from them, she pushed my oldest daughter into a cabinet to get a bottle, she has fallen down the stairs and passed out while she was home, ambulance has gotten her 10+ times while they were there). This is why is stopped her leaving with me. I do not know when I should stop helping a let what happens happen. She could easily die from drinking. She has been on a ventilator 3 times since this started.
Any advice for tired husband and a scared dad?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please be the stable and loving parent your young girls need and deserve. Make sure they know they are loved and that their mother's behavior is not their fault or their responsibility.
You cannot save someone who will not save themselves.
You cannot save someone who will not save themselves.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry you're on this crazy train. And even more sorry your kids are. Seems to me she's made it abundantly clear she does not want anyone trying to "help" her. I'd suggest seeing a lawyer ASAP to protect your finances (you could be on the hook for her medical bills or get sued if she drives a car in your name and kills someone). Are you going to Al-Anon? That's truly been a lifeline for me. And are your girls getting any counseling/therapy? They might really benefit a lot from Alateen.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What is the point of having the police go constantly to do welfare checks? She's not willing to cooperate with anyone trying to save her life. I'd suggest making your peace with her right, as an adult, to live her own life--and if that means drinking herself to death, that's what it means.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I wish I had advice for you, or something to say to give you some peace with it all. Just big, BIG hugs.
It's so painful, and terrifying, and just not fair, and I hate to think of all you all have been through with it.
At some point, I think we just have to get out of the way and build a big safe cushion around ourselves, and certainly the kids - where we can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Good for you for getting support for yourself and the girls. You can't have too much of that.
It's so painful, and terrifying, and just not fair, and I hate to think of all you all have been through with it.
At some point, I think we just have to get out of the way and build a big safe cushion around ourselves, and certainly the kids - where we can hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Good for you for getting support for yourself and the girls. You can't have too much of that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
This is the insanity of addiction that you may think why in the world they would keep doing this to themselves, but they do. Welfare checks and anything else on your part will do nothing. She has to want to get, and stay sober on her own which it seems like she has no intentions of doing.
As hard as it may be, there is nothing you can do and just have to focus on the best interests of your children and your own well being.
As hard as it may be, there is nothing you can do and just have to focus on the best interests of your children and your own well being.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by NotVeryHappy 
I do go to meetings. My girls have been to the Betty Ford Clinic for Children of Alcoholic parents.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I know it's easier said than done, but for your sanity you have to let her make whatever choices she's going to make. Whether you send someone to check on her or not, she's going to do whatever she wants. If she dies, it's because of choices she made and actions she took. Nothing you do will prevent it or change the outcome. Protect yourself and your babies. You're doing a great job.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job with your girls, trying to prepare them for the loss of their mother. (They may even feel relief when she passes away - and possibly feel guilty about that relief. Their emotions will be complex and messy).
This sounds like "slow suicide" - your ex does not want help, and nothing you can do (welfare checks, trying to help her) will make her want it.
I agree with other posters about the importance of finalizing a divorce.
This sounds like "slow suicide" - your ex does not want help, and nothing you can do (welfare checks, trying to help her) will make her want it.
I agree with other posters about the importance of finalizing a divorce.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Should I not try to call police and do welfare checks?
I say this from the similar experience but no. My exah is always dropping off the radar for months ( missed my son's 18th, Christmas, Fathers Day, his own birthday...you name it,) ending up in hospital for detox and then off to rehab..he came out of his 5th in 18 months last week and is already holed up drinking again. He has a phone with our numbers in it and if anything happens to him sooner or later we would be informed. If we phoned the police to do a welfare check they'd be going several times a month and it achieves nothing except increase the drama. We get on with our lives and he doesn't come up unless he actually contacts either of my sons, which is very rarely. They prefer it this way. It's hard for kids waiting for the shoe to drop so they'd rather forget about him and they know nothing they do will change him.
I say this from the similar experience but no. My exah is always dropping off the radar for months ( missed my son's 18th, Christmas, Fathers Day, his own birthday...you name it,) ending up in hospital for detox and then off to rehab..he came out of his 5th in 18 months last week and is already holed up drinking again. He has a phone with our numbers in it and if anything happens to him sooner or later we would be informed. If we phoned the police to do a welfare check they'd be going several times a month and it achieves nothing except increase the drama. We get on with our lives and he doesn't come up unless he actually contacts either of my sons, which is very rarely. They prefer it this way. It's hard for kids waiting for the shoe to drop so they'd rather forget about him and they know nothing they do will change him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 39
I am sorry that you are going through that. From an outside perspective, it sounds like you are doing a whole lot of worrying. I would take all that energy and focus on your girls and your mental health. Stress can ruin a person. All you can do is pray for her and take care of yourself. Like others have mentioned, there are legal ramifications that you should consider.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
NotVeryHappy,
I am sorry to hear all that you and your girls have had to endure. I am sorry for their mother and the self-created Hell she is living in! If you feel the need to call the police and have them perform a welfare check, then by all means do so. I suspect, however, that the outcome will not be any different from the last welfare check...only her language may be more colorful.
The gut-wrenching part of this disease for us (the friends and family) is that there is absolutely nothing we can do to alter the trajectory of it. We can encourage our loved ones to do the 'next right thing', but whether they do so or not is entirely up to them.
As you have experienced, the success of rehab depends entirely on whether or not the active alcoholic truly wants to change. Sadly, it sounds as though your wife is not there yet.
Please take good care of yourself and your girls!!
I am sorry to hear all that you and your girls have had to endure. I am sorry for their mother and the self-created Hell she is living in! If you feel the need to call the police and have them perform a welfare check, then by all means do so. I suspect, however, that the outcome will not be any different from the last welfare check...only her language may be more colorful.
The gut-wrenching part of this disease for us (the friends and family) is that there is absolutely nothing we can do to alter the trajectory of it. We can encourage our loved ones to do the 'next right thing', but whether they do so or not is entirely up to them.
As you have experienced, the success of rehab depends entirely on whether or not the active alcoholic truly wants to change. Sadly, it sounds as though your wife is not there yet.
Please take good care of yourself and your girls!!
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