Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
Hi there,
I tried to post a big rambling thread before but it didn't work so probably a sign to try to keep this more succinct.
Firstly, I am so sorry to read about some of your experiences - so sincere apologies if it offends anyone for me to post here when I can't possibly imagine what it's like. I've been dating someone for a while now, and although we are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, we are both completely falling for each other. We're the perfect match. I'm also increasingly concerned that he *could* be a functioning alcoholic. I'm an empathetic, compassionate, patient person with so much love and time to give, but I also have my own mental health needs and a daughter (12) to think about and I'm anxious for all three of us.
I'm aware I'm getting ahead of myself, but I was hoping for some blunt advice/feedback:
I think that sometime soon we're going to have a discussion about where our relationship is going, I was thinking of using this as an opportunity to bring up his drinking - with lots of research into appropriate ways. I know there's a chance that could go terribly wrong and that's the end of everything. BUT say if he *did* agree that maybe there was a problem, if I only wanted to enter into a relationship (I want to be careful not to make it seem like an ultimatum though) if he was willing to get help, if we set clear boundaries for our relationship from day 1 and I was just really supportive... Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky? Is there a chance for us? Am I just being super naive? I know I must sound like I think I can "save" him, I'm not as naive as I sound, I hope, but the above must count for something... I just feel like even the most innocent literature screams "run away while you have a chance"
I tried to post a big rambling thread before but it didn't work so probably a sign to try to keep this more succinct.
Firstly, I am so sorry to read about some of your experiences - so sincere apologies if it offends anyone for me to post here when I can't possibly imagine what it's like. I've been dating someone for a while now, and although we are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, we are both completely falling for each other. We're the perfect match. I'm also increasingly concerned that he *could* be a functioning alcoholic. I'm an empathetic, compassionate, patient person with so much love and time to give, but I also have my own mental health needs and a daughter (12) to think about and I'm anxious for all three of us.
I'm aware I'm getting ahead of myself, but I was hoping for some blunt advice/feedback:
I think that sometime soon we're going to have a discussion about where our relationship is going, I was thinking of using this as an opportunity to bring up his drinking - with lots of research into appropriate ways. I know there's a chance that could go terribly wrong and that's the end of everything. BUT say if he *did* agree that maybe there was a problem, if I only wanted to enter into a relationship (I want to be careful not to make it seem like an ultimatum though) if he was willing to get help, if we set clear boundaries for our relationship from day 1 and I was just really supportive... Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky? Is there a chance for us? Am I just being super naive? I know I must sound like I think I can "save" him, I'm not as naive as I sound, I hope, but the above must count for something... I just feel like even the most innocent literature screams "run away while you have a chance"
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, you asked for blunt. Here goes. You do NOT want to enter a relationship with someone who's an active alcoholic (no matter how "functional" he appears right now). That is multiplied times three if you have a child in the home, and multiplied again if you have your own health issues (mental or physical).
Yes, you are naive--we all were in the beginning. You don't even HAVE an "official" relationship with him, so it would be a mistake of staggering (no pun intended) proportions to willingly go into this mess in the making.
If you care at all about your and your daughter's well-being, PLEASE let this one go. No one is a "perfect match" for an alcoholic. I have been in two marriages to alcoholics, am sober eight years, myself (coming up on nine soon) and active alcoholics are nothing but trouble. Moreover, if he is still "functional" he will have zero interest in getting sober for life, which is the only known solution for alcoholism. He will talk about controlling his drinking, which is not an option that works for alcoholics. He might succeed for a short time--I worked very hard on "moderating" my own drinking for four years before I was ready to give it up.
Getting into ANY relationship with the notion that someone would be "perfect, if only" is a huge mistake. People fall in love all the time with the alcoholic's "potential"--most of the time that potential is never realized until a huge amount of harm is caused, followed by a year or more of recovery.
Just not worth it.
Yes, you are naive--we all were in the beginning. You don't even HAVE an "official" relationship with him, so it would be a mistake of staggering (no pun intended) proportions to willingly go into this mess in the making.
If you care at all about your and your daughter's well-being, PLEASE let this one go. No one is a "perfect match" for an alcoholic. I have been in two marriages to alcoholics, am sober eight years, myself (coming up on nine soon) and active alcoholics are nothing but trouble. Moreover, if he is still "functional" he will have zero interest in getting sober for life, which is the only known solution for alcoholism. He will talk about controlling his drinking, which is not an option that works for alcoholics. He might succeed for a short time--I worked very hard on "moderating" my own drinking for four years before I was ready to give it up.
Getting into ANY relationship with the notion that someone would be "perfect, if only" is a huge mistake. People fall in love all the time with the alcoholic's "potential"--most of the time that potential is never realized until a huge amount of harm is caused, followed by a year or more of recovery.
Just not worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, pocketbook. Welcome to SR.
I would proceed very, very carefully.
Being with an alcohol dependent person, if, as you suspect he is, is a hard, hard road.
He will not get sober for you. He will not honor boundaries. His health and behavior will get worse over time, as it is a progressive condition.
Imo. "High functioning" is a stage in alcohol dependency, not a type.
We all function within the condition til we don't.
Have rhe discussion. Express your concerns. See what he says and, more important, what he does.
Actions are more important than words.
Good luck.
I would proceed very, very carefully.
Being with an alcohol dependent person, if, as you suspect he is, is a hard, hard road.
He will not get sober for you. He will not honor boundaries. His health and behavior will get worse over time, as it is a progressive condition.
Imo. "High functioning" is a stage in alcohol dependency, not a type.
We all function within the condition til we don't.
Have rhe discussion. Express your concerns. See what he says and, more important, what he does.
Actions are more important than words.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
if he was willing to get help, if we set clear boundaries for our relationship from day 1 and I was just really supportive...
2) A clear boundary FOR YOU would be not to date an alcoholic. Looks like you're entertaining that.
3) "Being really supportive" - you have no idea what that means. It's also, quite frankly, a bit egotistical. You're presuming that YOU will be enough to cure your alcoholic, that he'll want to get better because of you. So many people on this board ask "Why wasn't I enough? Why couldn't he/she get better? He/she has kids and they love the bottle more than they love their kids?"
My sister's the reason why I'm here. She has no self-esteem. Zilch. So she seeks very easy ways of getting it, even at the expense of others. She will habitually ignore other people's pain so she can savor her own. She'll skip funerals, laugh when people try to kill themselves, will badger people RELENTLESSLY when she needs a favor and yet she wants people to support her. She has a lot of pain, which is why she's acting this way, but she also has the emotional maturity of an eleven year old. I've had decades of trying to support her, but I've just about had it.
THIS is what you're signing up for. Many other folks will chime in with their own stories.
I'm sorry, but as LexieCat said, just not worth it. I have to deal with my sister because she's my sister. You have a CHOICE.
PS. You've got a daughter. If you date this guy, you're basically giving her a pass to date her own addict/alcoholic. I don't think that's what you want to do.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pocketbook.....fro m where I sit, it looks, to me, like you are on the verge of inviting a lot of heartache and pain into the life of you and your daughter.....
At least, read some of the thousands of real life stories of others who have hitched their wagon to an alcoholic....and find out what it is really like....
Would you want to drag your daughter through that?
At least, read some of the thousands of real life stories of others who have hitched their wagon to an alcoholic....and find out what it is really like....
Would you want to drag your daughter through that?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
" We're the perfect match."
how so? because this is what i read
about you:"I'm an empathetic, compassionate, patient person with so much love and time to give.."
about him:" he *could* be a functioning alcoholic."
from what i read youre the perfect match because he has a problem and you want to rescue.
"he could be a functioning alcoholic."
yet "Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky?"
plus:
Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
something weird there.
how so? because this is what i read
about you:"I'm an empathetic, compassionate, patient person with so much love and time to give.."
about him:" he *could* be a functioning alcoholic."
from what i read youre the perfect match because he has a problem and you want to rescue.
"he could be a functioning alcoholic."
yet "Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky?"
plus:
Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
something weird there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
It's not possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic. You, the relationship, family members, & friends will all come after the priority of alcohol. The power of the addiction is staggering. At least for the sake of your child, remove yourself from this relationship now. You're in the process of hopping on the crazy train, and this train only goes faster and gets more chaotic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I was hoping for some blunt advice/feedback:
I've been dating someone for a while now, and although we are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, we are both completely falling for each other. We're the perfect match.
You are dating someone, dating is supposed to be about getting to know someone not about trying to change who they are. He drinks, it bothers you – move on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
"he could be a functioning alcoholic."
yet "Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky?"
plus:
Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
something weird there.
yet "Do you think maybe there's a chance recovery wouldn't be so rocky?"
plus:
Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic
something weird there.
I'm going off the fact that:
- He drinks a LOT in the evening, including a last one before bed but never seems drunk or hungover
- He's always had a drink before our dates, I joke he needs beer goggles and he'll 'joke' he still gets nervous around me
- A lot of off-hand comments/jokes about alcohol : we should add whiskey when we try a new smoothie place, he Skypes his brother every week and they play drinking games, he has perfect health (unrelated tests for something) despite 'can drink anyone under the table', showing off his really fancy expensive whiskey that he has for special occasions
I'm hoping it's possible that they could be innocent... But on our second date he told me that he used to be a functioning alcoholic, I was too busy being gooey eyed that he was sharing his life with me to let the gravity of those words sink in:
1 year ago he would drink a bottle of whiskey a night but be totally fine with work etc. He only stopped when he saw his overweight brother with 3 takeaways one evening. Since then he runs 20k a day. I didn't ask him how much he drinks now.
It was just the other night when he poured me a drink before bed that I put those two things together in my head. What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
He out right told you he used to be a "high functioning alcoholic" which leads me to believe he had issues with his drinking in the past. That probably means it interfered with his life in some way. Now he jokes about it so that you know without actually telling you directly. This tells me others have called him out on his drinking. So he's getting it out there now so you can't complain later. Personally his drinking is too much to me, but that's me, I'm not dating him. My ex chugged 4 beers on our first date, I even called him out on it, but he was so wonderful. After my ex if a guy drank too much on a date it was a huge turn off. He's there for me, not the booze, right?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
People say they are functioning alcoholics, imo, to minimize their drinking and its effect on their (and others) lives.
This is the functioning A's internal script. " I work. I pay my bills. I don't blackout (yet). I don't wet the bed (yet). I am the exception. I can handle it"
Yes, some people have an inordinate capacity to drink without visible consequences.
But....alcohol dependency, if unchecked, progresses to alcohol addiction.
Mental and physical health deteriorates, and "functional" becomes dysfunctional over time.
Doesn't happen today, tomorrow, or all that soon.
But it happens. Count on it.
Again, my opinion only, but your guy is drinking way too much for it to be healthy.
There is a saying around here: "Tell an addict no, then step back and watch what happens.
As I said, express your concerns about his consumption, and watch how he reacts.
That will be telling.
Peace.
This is the functioning A's internal script. " I work. I pay my bills. I don't blackout (yet). I don't wet the bed (yet). I am the exception. I can handle it"
Yes, some people have an inordinate capacity to drink without visible consequences.
But....alcohol dependency, if unchecked, progresses to alcohol addiction.
Mental and physical health deteriorates, and "functional" becomes dysfunctional over time.
Doesn't happen today, tomorrow, or all that soon.
But it happens. Count on it.
Again, my opinion only, but your guy is drinking way too much for it to be healthy.
There is a saying around here: "Tell an addict no, then step back and watch what happens.
As I said, express your concerns about his consumption, and watch how he reacts.
That will be telling.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m guessing that with what you shared that you are already very emotionally invested in this guy even though as you said, no official title to truly describe what this relationship is. I think you are planning to continue to invest despite what your instincts are shouting to you.
I would suggest that you do a lot of research on alcoholism and addict behaviors. Might want to look up codependency as well. He told you that he USED to be a functioning alcoholic and what you will come to learn from researching alcoholism is that it is a lifelong disease with no cure, abstinence is the only way to keep it in remission. And even in remission the disease continues.
A big red flag is the fact that you are afraid to confront him about his drinking because that may cause whatever it is you two have to go away and whatever it is you are hoping it to be won’t happen. That’s not a healthy relationship at all, that’s you settling with “hope” of him becoming different somewhere down the road.
I would suggest that you do a lot of research on alcoholism and addict behaviors. Might want to look up codependency as well. He told you that he USED to be a functioning alcoholic and what you will come to learn from researching alcoholism is that it is a lifelong disease with no cure, abstinence is the only way to keep it in remission. And even in remission the disease continues.
A big red flag is the fact that you are afraid to confront him about his drinking because that may cause whatever it is you two have to go away and whatever it is you are hoping it to be won’t happen. That’s not a healthy relationship at all, that’s you settling with “hope” of him becoming different somewhere down the road.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by pocketbook
- He drinks a LOT in the evening, including a last one before bed but never seems drunk or hungover
- A lot of off-hand comments/jokes about alcohol : we should add whiskey wh- He's always had a drink before our dates, I joke he needs beer goggles and he'll 'joke' he still gets nervous around meen we try a new smoothie place, he Skypes his brother every week and they play drinking games, he has perfect health (unrelated tests for something) despite 'can drink anyone under the table', showing off his really fancy expensive whiskey that he has for special occasions
I'm hoping it's possible that they could be innocent... But on our second date he told me that he used to be a functioning alcoholic, I was too busy being gooey eyed that he was sharing his life with me to let the gravity of those words sink in:
1 year ago he would drink a bottle of whiskey a night but be totally fine with work etc. He only stopped when he saw his overweight brother with 3 takeaways one evening. Since then he runs 20k a day. I didn't ask him how much he drinks now.
It was just the other night when he poured me a drink before bed that I put those two things together in my head. What do you think?
- A lot of off-hand comments/jokes about alcohol : we should add whiskey wh- He's always had a drink before our dates, I joke he needs beer goggles and he'll 'joke' he still gets nervous around meen we try a new smoothie place, he Skypes his brother every week and they play drinking games, he has perfect health (unrelated tests for something) despite 'can drink anyone under the table', showing off his really fancy expensive whiskey that he has for special occasions
I'm hoping it's possible that they could be innocent... But on our second date he told me that he used to be a functioning alcoholic, I was too busy being gooey eyed that he was sharing his life with me to let the gravity of those words sink in:
1 year ago he would drink a bottle of whiskey a night but be totally fine with work etc. He only stopped when he saw his overweight brother with 3 takeaways one evening. Since then he runs 20k a day. I didn't ask him how much he drinks now.
It was just the other night when he poured me a drink before bed that I put those two things together in my head. What do you think?
let me rephrase a lot of what ya wrote. i'll start it this way:
"I'm hoping it's possible that they could be innocent.
ok, now onto
" But on our second date he told me that he used to be a functioning alcoholic.- A lot of off-hand comments/jokes about alcohol : we should add whiskey wh- He's always had a drink before our dates, I joke he needs beer goggles and he'll 'joke' he still gets nervous around meen we try a new smoothie place, he Skypes his brother every week and they play drinking games, he has perfect health (unrelated tests for something) despite 'can drink anyone under the table', showing off his really fancy expensive whiskey that he has for special occasions .
I was too busy being gooey eyed that he was sharing his life with me to let the gravity of those words sink in."
maybe that used to be a functioning alcoholic is true.
and now hes passed THAT stage of alcoholism.
someone saying theyre an alcoholic of any kind or stage would be a huge swinging red flag for me to run.
maybe thats because i was the alcoholic that is very greatful for everyone tossin me to the curb( and only for themselves- i was only gonna drag them down with me if they allowed it) or maybe its because i was the codie trying to deny reality and trying to make my dream reality.
and with this statement
"I'm hoping it's possible that they could be innocent"
reads like your tryin to make your dream reality with this man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 27
I wish someone would have told me 11 years ago to RUN AWAY! But seriously, you are seeing the red flags. Unfortunately you, nor anyone else, will be the exception for him. He's mentioned struggling with alcohol on your 2nd date. You are joking about the beer googles now - in 10 years you'll be on here wondering how you got to where you are. The fact that you are here to begin with really says something. I think you know in your heart what's needing to happen. The stories on here are pretty consistent in that alcoholism is a progression. With a daughter, you have to put her first. Commit yourself to her and show her what a strong, independent role model you are. Best of wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, you aren't even in a relationship yet and you are searching for help on an alcoholism forum. That tells me his drinking is already more than you want to deal with. You cannot change him.
Check this out: The few people here who sought recovery right along with their alcoholic spouses had a hell of a hard road.
And those stories (where both partners got healthy together and have a decent to great existence after the whole mess) are far and few between.
And of those people, most have said that given the choice, there is no way in hell they would do it all over again, even knowing the great and ideal outcome.
You are at a pivotal point that many, many of us wish we had made the decision to save ourselves and the kids, rather than try to save the alcoholic.
Check this out: The few people here who sought recovery right along with their alcoholic spouses had a hell of a hard road.
And those stories (where both partners got healthy together and have a decent to great existence after the whole mess) are far and few between.
And of those people, most have said that given the choice, there is no way in hell they would do it all over again, even knowing the great and ideal outcome.
You are at a pivotal point that many, many of us wish we had made the decision to save ourselves and the kids, rather than try to save the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
It was just the other night when he poured me a drink before bed that I put those two things together in my head. What do you think?
I also have my own mental health needs and a daughter (12) to think about and I'm anxious for all three of us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
OK thanks for allowing bluntness. Too much Political correctness dulls the messages.
You aren't smarter than the rest. He isn't different than the rest. This will get the best of this relationship. Its only a matter of time. How long depends on how you want to live your life.
I was smarter. My Ex wasn't like the rest. Love would show her the way out.....blah blah blah dadde blah blah.
"run away while you have a chance"
Thats the only thing I learned and can pass on to you.
I closed that dark chapter in my life. Dating a normal high functioning person. So much better life now.
You aren't smarter than the rest. He isn't different than the rest. This will get the best of this relationship. Its only a matter of time. How long depends on how you want to live your life.
I was smarter. My Ex wasn't like the rest. Love would show her the way out.....blah blah blah dadde blah blah.
"run away while you have a chance"
Thats the only thing I learned and can pass on to you.
I closed that dark chapter in my life. Dating a normal high functioning person. So much better life now.
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