Entering a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic

Old 06-30-2017, 10:27 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
Believe me when I tell you that love does NOT conquer everything (especially addiction).
AMEN! Not long ago, my gentleman friend's youngest sister got married. My gentleman friend was in the wedding, so I could not sit with him during the ceremony or during the reception. At both events I was seated next to his OTHER sister's new boyfriend. Who was completely blotto the whole time. I avoided encouraging conversation as much as possible, but at one point he revealed to me that he is 39, and twice divorced (no kids). Now, I certainly won't throw stones at ANYONE with two divorces. Or five. Or whatever. Been there, done that.

But I did ask him if he ever thought he'd get married again. And he responded without hesitation "oh yes! I love love! Love conquers all!"

On the drive home from the wedding, I told my gentleman friend that I hope his sister isn't dumb enough to marry this guy...
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:34 AM
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Oh my gosh, Wisconsin.
For real?
Sick, twisted soul that I am, i actually laughed at your story.
The absurdity of it, I mean.
Shaking my head, but smiling.
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:45 AM
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Maud, I did, too. And my gentleman friend's response was "she is exactly that stupid."

His sister is very nice, and I like her a lot. She obviously has her own issues with drinking. She has a five-year-old daughter, and the fallout of the failure of the relationship with her daughter's father has caused her a lot of grief. My gentleman friend says she used to be much more bubbly and optimistic, and was hard-working and had a great job, but now she is just depressed all the time, settling for jerks, and binge-drinking a couple of times a month. It makes me sad.
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Old 07-01-2017, 06:29 AM
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That IS sad.
I hope she finds her way back to serenity.
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Old 07-01-2017, 09:10 AM
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I'm the one who said that you were already emotionally invested. And I can tell you that the only pay out from your investment eventually will be hurt, pain and disappointment.
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Old 07-01-2017, 11:39 AM
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You have received advice, recommendations, warnings and heartfelt
sharing from people who have been in relationships or have been
alcoholics. You are so very fortunate to have this experience - many
wish they had had it years and decades ago.

I like analogies. To me, a relationship with an addict/alcoholic is like
the journey of life. But instead of sharing it with someone who loves
you and wants to grow with you and marvel and share in all the
experiences you will have and create, you will not. Your journey
will be filled with sorrow, confusion, loneliness and self- loathing
as you both slowly and completely spiral downward under the
baffling, cunning, and powerful influence of alcoholism.

Only someone is who unhealthy themselves would knowingly
choose this path. Take care of you & your daughter.
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Old 07-01-2017, 02:18 PM
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Being a functional alcoholic is just a phase on a downward spiral. I hate that expression, because it is so misleading. There is nothing functional about alcoholism, and there is nothing functional about a romantic relationship that involves an active alcoholic/addict.
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Old 07-01-2017, 02:24 PM
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My husband was a functional alcoholic for the first few years we were married. He started calling in sick to work after his weekly dart games. He could drink *a lot* before achieving a hangover: that's because his tolerance was so high from drinking so much, for so long.
In 25 years he went from computer programmer to retail sales clerk to maintenance man at a private school. Fired from three jobs in six years.

You think your love will fix him. It just won't. If not for you, for your daughter, reconsider this. You aren't even boyfriend and girlfriend. Is this what you want to teach your daughter? That this kind of relationship, this kind of limited partner, is what she should expect?
Is this the standard you want to set for her?
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Old 07-02-2017, 12:18 AM
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I suspect the OP is already long gone from here, but I came across another gem of wisdom from SR that I thought I'd post for anyone else who may turn up this thread in a search:

As my grandfather told me: Don't pet a burning dog. You'll either get bitten or catch yourself on fire.

And if an alcoholic isn't the ultimate "burning dog", I'm not sure what would be...

That's all.
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Old 07-02-2017, 05:08 AM
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Yes, I agree about OP, and give my thanks for posting this question!

And I could add, would you like a first, second or third degree burn?
Because burned you will get, and just like the physical healing
from a burn is so exquisitely painful, so too is emotional healing from
a relationship with an alkie.
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Old 07-02-2017, 05:59 AM
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Love the coleus, mylife.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:03 AM
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I think the best course of action for someone who, like the OP, self-describes as never having a healthy relationship would be to take a HUGE step back from being in ANY romantic relationship and do some serious inner work.

Otherwise you're basically doomed to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns. Same song, different verse, sing it again, much much worse.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by pocketbook View Post
- He's always had a drink before our dates, I joke he needs beer goggles and he'll 'joke' he still gets nervous around me
All of those things you cited raised a red flag, but this one stood out for me, because I never, ever understood (before I learned about alcoholism) about the whole pre-gaming thing. My AH was two hours late for our first date because he was shoring up his nerves at a bar before he came to pick me up.

(I've always wondered WHY I would go out on a first date with someone who was two hours late?? Why didn't I lock the door and tell him to take a hike?--to the honest, the reason is, I thought we were a perfect match.)

Those signals you provided for us are very clear indicators that your gut is telling you something that you should listen to.
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Old 07-03-2017, 03:09 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I suspect the OP is already long gone from here
Nope..

All this "not official" and having "the talk" is stupid semantics. It's pretty clear now I need to end a relationship, not not-enter it.

I haven't done that yet, and that scares me. I also want to talk to him about his drinking, I can't not.

It's all I think about and I can't talk to anyone, I'm lying to myself, and I feel ashamed posting here because I should have RUN FOR THE HILLS last Friday.
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Old 07-03-2017, 04:10 AM
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Originally Posted by pocketbook View Post
It's all I think about and I can't talk to anyone, I'm lying to myself, and I feel ashamed posting here because I should have RUN FOR THE HILLS last Friday.
Don't feel ashamed!!! You've reached out to the people who are in the best position to help you--all with different life experiences. If everyone on this forum who didn't act as quickly they "should" have felt ashamed about that, this whole forum would be a cesspool of shame.

But we take what we learn and move on, whatever that means for each of us.

Please continue posting--or at least reading!
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Old 07-03-2017, 04:45 AM
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If you feel the need to do so, sure, tell the guy you are concerned about his drinking and that you hope he will get help for it. Just don't delude yourself that if you say it JUST THE RIGHT WAY, he will take that and run straight to rehab or AA.

Unless he was already thinking about quitting and on the verge of doing one of those things, your words may ease your conscience but are likely to roll right off him. He might even thank you and say he's been thinking about it, which might stir up hope in you. I wouldn't believe it unless he actually DOES those things. And given your emotional attachment at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if you keep hanging around, hoping he'll see the light. THAT could be literally years or decades away. And in the meantime you would be wasting your time and your life on someone who is completely uninterested in what you're waiting for.
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Old 07-03-2017, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I suspect the OP is already long gone from here, but I came across another gem of wisdom from SR that I thought I'd post for anyone else who may turn up this thread in a search:

As my grandfather told me: Don't pet a burning dog. You'll either get bitten or catch yourself on fire.

And if an alcoholic isn't the ultimate "burning dog", I'm not sure what would be...

That's all.
Originally Posted by mylifeismine View Post
Yes, I agree about OP, and give my thanks for posting this question!

And I could add, would you like a first, second or third degree burn?
Because burned you will get, and just like the physical healing
from a burn is so exquisitely painful, so too is emotional healing from
a relationship with an alkie.
And when the flames and pain get to intense and you finally pull away you'll most likely get your whole arm chewed off.

Originally Posted by pocketbook View Post
Nope..

All this "not official" and having "the talk" is stupid semantics. It's pretty clear now I need to end a relationship, not not-enter it.

I haven't done that yet, and that scares me. I also want to talk to him about his drinking, I can't not.

It's all I think about and I can't talk to anyone, I'm lying to myself, and I feel ashamed posting here because I should have RUN FOR THE HILLS last Friday.

Never feel ashamed. We all understand exactly how difficult it is. We are all smart and loving and good people and found ourselves in a super complicated and complex situation.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”― Dr. Seuss

Wishing you the very best and I hope you stick around and keep reading and sharing.

That scared feeling is your inner voice whispering up to you to please pay attention. It has your best interest at heart. We get real good at ignoring that little voice if we have to many other voices in our head or want something badly enough.
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Old 07-03-2017, 05:08 PM
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Don't do it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's going to get worse before and if it gets better. On the other end, you might not even recognize the relationship because you've been to hell and back (I'm the recovering alcoholic, for context).
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