songbird6

I've known for quite a while that it will not get better. I've asked him to leave twice, the most recent time being about 3 weeks ago. It's easy to stay strong when he is drunk, but when he is sober and begins bargaining and making promises I get sucked back in. How do you stay strong and stand your ground?

LexieCat

You simply decide it's in your own best interest to have him leave and make that as important to you as you would any other big life decision. I don't know if this guy is a boyfriend or husband--if you're married to him, or if you live together and he simply REFUSES (as opposed to talking you out of it) to leave, things are a bit more complicated from a legal standpoint.

When I kicked out the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic, but other issues), I simply told him (after he'd dragged his feet for weeks on getting out) that he was leaving TOMORROW and I was staying home from work to make sure he did it. He started complaining, "But I have no place to GO..." and I said, "Not my problem." He wound up leaving and staying at a motel for a few days till he could get an apartment. When you're done, you're done.

Hangnbyathread

You stay strong by remembering how miserable things get when the drinking returns.

firebolt

I had to write down the awful things he said and did. I had to record a drunken tirade. It blew my mind how easily I could let go of the horrible things, but how difficult it was to let go of the person committing the horrible things! I had to have record of them so I could refer to them in the weak moments.

It adds up, we can have a 'rock bottom' too, if we want it. You are stronger than you think.

Westexy

Keep a journal and write everything down. Read it on the calm days when you're not in panic mode or self preservation mode. Write down everything you can remember - the whole story and read that when you're calm. What you have tolerated and permitted will probably blow your mind when you see it there all together. Think about how your life will be if you add a few major life crises into the mix - cancer, death of a loved one, natural disaster. Is this a person that can help you get through those times or will they make them worse?

Smarie78

Great ideas to journal - your post is not unlike others, including myself. I too kept a journal writing down all the times he was abusive...his specific words and I would read them back to myself. One day I was so disturbed I deleted it. That's how strong manipulation can be. Even I didn't want to look at it.

My advice is just practice. My Abf does this all the time and every time the behavior is bad I promise I'm not going back...then the apologies...the promises...the sweetness...and I'm back in.

Do you live with him? If not legally, then he needs to respect that (even if it means calling cops which I've had to do before) and you must make it a boundary and practice it. I am still learning this but setting little boundaries until I am strong enough to say no more EVER. (Now I'm starting with "no for today"). Just start by telling yourself "NO, NOT TODAY". If you can start with that and practice....you will get stronger. I know how scary it can be....I am struggling myself but just saying that I don't have to for today, is helping.