Neglect by sober alcoholic spouse
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Neglect by sober alcoholic spouse
My husband has been sober for about a year and half. This is his second time back into the program. He has also launched a new career in real estate. He works very hard (from 9 to 7pm almost everyday) and also goes to meetings everyday. Consequently our family life has been suffering. I know AA must come first. He keeps telling me he doesn't have time and that his goal is to work hard for the next two years so we will have the life we wanted and then he will be able to spend time with the family. He says he doesn't have time yet he keeps taking on sponsees because he thinks it is God's will. We have discussed this many times and this weekend he finally agree to give the family one week night every week (2 hours). That day was supposed to be today. He called this afternoon and told me he's decided to go to a meeting one hr and 15 minutes away because his AA friends has been asking him for the last 3 weeks. I just lost it and said I had to go. Our family has been waiting for MONTHS to spend time with him. And he feels it is more prudent to go to a meeting because they waited for 3 weeks....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get how you feel, believe me. But right now, those bonds he is making in AA are what potentially will save his life. And, very possibly, your marriage.
How much time did drinking take him from the family? A lot, I'm betting. I'm also betting that having relapsed once he wants to ensure it doesn't happen again. So if he IS overcompensating, it's sort of understandable, I think.
How old are your kids?
How much time did drinking take him from the family? A lot, I'm betting. I'm also betting that having relapsed once he wants to ensure it doesn't happen again. So if he IS overcompensating, it's sort of understandable, I think.
How old are your kids?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Pucababe....It seems reasonable that your husband could carve some family time out of his real estate business time...I have known many people who work in real estate..and, yes, while it does require a lot of hours...it shouldn't totally preclude family time, in my opinion...70hrs. seems to be a bit excessive, to me...
(it may be better to learn to work smarter than to just work longer)....
There are some people who can trade one "ism" for another"ism" (like workaholism)....
He can still attend to his AA meetings/outreach....
If, in the end, you decide to go...you can tell him that it is God's will..(lol)....
(it may be better to learn to work smarter than to just work longer)....
There are some people who can trade one "ism" for another"ism" (like workaholism)....
He can still attend to his AA meetings/outreach....
If, in the end, you decide to go...you can tell him that it is God's will..(lol)....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, puca--I can see where you'd be at the boiling point! Can I ask what your own recovery plan has consisted of? Are you going to Alanon or otherwise getting help for yourself?
I think it's pretty common for the spouse/partner/family of an A to expect the A, once he/she stops drinking, to immediately set about making amends for all the bad times and horrible behavior. We expect the ones who hurt us to be the ones to now make us whole. It doesn't usually work that way...
I expect you'll resent being asked to do one more #$%$#% thing when YOU are not the alcoholic, YOU are not "the one w/the problem"--again, that's a really common way to feel. I know I felt that way, for sure! Here's an article that might help you understand why you need to seek your own recovery and not expect that he can or will heal you: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
Hope you keep posting, hope you keep reading, and hope you find some support for yourself--coming here is a good start.
I think it's pretty common for the spouse/partner/family of an A to expect the A, once he/she stops drinking, to immediately set about making amends for all the bad times and horrible behavior. We expect the ones who hurt us to be the ones to now make us whole. It doesn't usually work that way...
I expect you'll resent being asked to do one more #$%$#% thing when YOU are not the alcoholic, YOU are not "the one w/the problem"--again, that's a really common way to feel. I know I felt that way, for sure! Here's an article that might help you understand why you need to seek your own recovery and not expect that he can or will heal you: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
Hope you keep posting, hope you keep reading, and hope you find some support for yourself--coming here is a good start.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I see multiple red flags in your post.
A person doesnt live their life to attend meetings.. they attend meetings so they can live their life. He broke a promise to you because his recovery friends wanted him to hang out with them instead. This wasnt about his needing a meeting in an attempt to fend off a relapse.
Nope he chose to be with them instead of his family, even after you have had multiple discussions about the family feeling neglected and needing his time and attention. His behavior is not reflective of a healthy recovery in my opinion. Sometimes people do form alternate addictions once they give up substances.
Which leads me to:
He may not have a family in 2 years if he continues to neglect them. It doesnt sound like he is being forced to work this heavy schedule, he is choosing it. It appears based on your comments he also did not discuss this plan with you. My feeling is that in a marriage, especially where you have children.. there should be a willingness to work together to determine what is best for the family overall.
Have you suggested he attend a meeting during his lunch period at work, or early in the morning before work? This might not have such a negative effect on his family, and yet it would allow him to attend meetings if he thinks they are necessary. If he is dedicated to his recovery then he will be willing to attend at any hour, and fit his sponsee's in when its not family time. (although I would question if he should be sponsoring anyone because so far he hasnt shown he can manage his own life with a sense of balance).
Also, you might discuss with him what God would want him to do in terms of being the "head of his household", and the part God would want him to play in shaping the lives of his children.
He called this afternoon and told me he's decided to go to a meeting one hr and 15 minutes away because his AA friends has been asking him for the last 3 weeks. Our family has been waiting for MONTHS to spend time with him. And he feels it is more prudent to go to a meeting because they waited for 3 weeks...
Nope he chose to be with them instead of his family, even after you have had multiple discussions about the family feeling neglected and needing his time and attention. His behavior is not reflective of a healthy recovery in my opinion. Sometimes people do form alternate addictions once they give up substances.
Which leads me to:
He works very hard (from 9 to 7pm almost everyday) and also goes to meetings everyday. Consequently our family life has been suffering. I know AA must come first. He keeps telling me he doesn't have time and that his goal is to work hard for the next two years so we will have the life we wanted and then he will be able to spend time with the family. He says he doesn't have time yet he keeps taking on sponsees because he thinks it is God's will.
Have you suggested he attend a meeting during his lunch period at work, or early in the morning before work? This might not have such a negative effect on his family, and yet it would allow him to attend meetings if he thinks they are necessary. If he is dedicated to his recovery then he will be willing to attend at any hour, and fit his sponsee's in when its not family time. (although I would question if he should be sponsoring anyone because so far he hasnt shown he can manage his own life with a sense of balance).
Also, you might discuss with him what God would want him to do in terms of being the "head of his household", and the part God would want him to play in shaping the lives of his children.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello puca, and Welcome!
I am glad to hear that your husband is throwing himself into recovery, but not that he is choosing every other activity than to spend time with his family. It does sound as though he has a long-term plan and that he is very serious about his recovery. But I must admit that his AA friends having to wait 3 weeks is nothing compared to how long his family has had to wait to spend quality time with him. I would be upset, too. They couldn't wait one more week?
I really don't know the solution. You are the only one who can decide whether or not his recovery actions are acceptable to you. I just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I totally understand your anger and frustration.
I am glad to hear that your husband is throwing himself into recovery, but not that he is choosing every other activity than to spend time with his family. It does sound as though he has a long-term plan and that he is very serious about his recovery. But I must admit that his AA friends having to wait 3 weeks is nothing compared to how long his family has had to wait to spend quality time with him. I would be upset, too. They couldn't wait one more week?
I really don't know the solution. You are the only one who can decide whether or not his recovery actions are acceptable to you. I just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I totally understand your anger and frustration.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 5
I have been in Al anon for about the same length as his sobriety. I go to about 3 to 4 meetings a week and meet with my sponsor. I met with her this morning and she told me it is very common and most of the wives feel this way. That I need to calmly express me feelings but know that I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. I did communicate with him how hurt I was last night (even though he had to even ask me what was wrong, like he's forgotten our earlier conversation). And he said they actually have been waiting for months and have been trying to go for the last three weeks. Regardless, I am sure we have waited longer to spend time with him. He agreed that he has been neglecting us and said we will do something Saturday with the whole family because he doesn't have anything for work on that day yet. I wouldn't hold my breath. We have a daughter who turns 3 next month and another due on 7/30. He talked about having more kids but I really am doubting at this point if he can't even have enough bonding time with the one we already have.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I get how you feel, believe me. But right now, those bonds he is making in AA are what potentially will save his life. And, very possibly, your marriage.
How much time did drinking take him from the family? A lot, I'm betting. I'm also betting that having relapsed once he wants to ensure it doesn't happen again. So if he IS overcompensating, it's sort of understandable, I think.
How old are your kids?
How much time did drinking take him from the family? A lot, I'm betting. I'm also betting that having relapsed once he wants to ensure it doesn't happen again. So if he IS overcompensating, it's sort of understandable, I think.
How old are your kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
Pucababe....It seems reasonable that your husband could carve some family time out of his real estate business time...I have known many people who work in real estate..and, yes, while it does require a lot of hours...it shouldn't totally preclude family time, in my opinion...70hrs. seems to be a bit excessive, to me...
(it may be better to learn to work smarter than to just work longer)....
There are some people who can trade one "ism" for another"ism" (like workaholism)....
He can still attend to his AA meetings/outreach....
If, in the end, you decide to go...you can tell him that it is God's will..(lol)....
(it may be better to learn to work smarter than to just work longer)....
There are some people who can trade one "ism" for another"ism" (like workaholism)....
He can still attend to his AA meetings/outreach....
If, in the end, you decide to go...you can tell him that it is God's will..(lol)....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I see multiple red flags in your post.
A person doesnt live their life to attend meetings.. they attend meetings so they can live their life. He broke a promise to you because his recovery friends wanted him to hang out with them instead. This wasnt about his needing a meeting in an attempt to fend off a relapse.
Nope he chose to be with them instead of his family, even after you have had multiple discussions about the family feeling neglected and needing his time and attention. His behavior is not reflective of a healthy recovery in my opinion. Sometimes people do form alternate addictions once they give up substances.
Which leads me to:
He may not have a family in 2 years if he continues to neglect them. It doesnt sound like he is being forced to work this heavy schedule, he is choosing it. It appears based on your comments he also did not discuss this plan with you. My feeling is that in a marriage, especially where you have children.. there should be a willingness to work together to determine what is best for the family overall.
Have you suggested he attend a meeting during his lunch period at work, or early in the morning before work? This might not have such a negative effect on his family, and yet it would allow him to attend meetings if he thinks they are necessary. If he is dedicated to his recovery then he will be willing to attend at any hour, and fit his sponsee's in when its not family time. (although I would question if he should be sponsoring anyone because so far he hasnt shown he can manage his own life with a sense of balance).
Also, you might discuss with him what God would want him to do in terms of being the "head of his household", and the part God would want him to play in shaping the lives of his children.
A person doesnt live their life to attend meetings.. they attend meetings so they can live their life. He broke a promise to you because his recovery friends wanted him to hang out with them instead. This wasnt about his needing a meeting in an attempt to fend off a relapse.
Nope he chose to be with them instead of his family, even after you have had multiple discussions about the family feeling neglected and needing his time and attention. His behavior is not reflective of a healthy recovery in my opinion. Sometimes people do form alternate addictions once they give up substances.
Which leads me to:
He may not have a family in 2 years if he continues to neglect them. It doesnt sound like he is being forced to work this heavy schedule, he is choosing it. It appears based on your comments he also did not discuss this plan with you. My feeling is that in a marriage, especially where you have children.. there should be a willingness to work together to determine what is best for the family overall.
Have you suggested he attend a meeting during his lunch period at work, or early in the morning before work? This might not have such a negative effect on his family, and yet it would allow him to attend meetings if he thinks they are necessary. If he is dedicated to his recovery then he will be willing to attend at any hour, and fit his sponsee's in when its not family time. (although I would question if he should be sponsoring anyone because so far he hasnt shown he can manage his own life with a sense of balance).
Also, you might discuss with him what God would want him to do in terms of being the "head of his household", and the part God would want him to play in shaping the lives of his children.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by pucababe
I feel like if he can work his real estate schedule around his sponsees, then it would mean that he probably can do the same for the family.
It's one thing to work a dedicated program for himself but I think family HAS to factor somewhere ahead of sponsoring others in the program. I don't see how it is inappropriate to feel that way - if he's not so far in his own sobriety that he has all his ducks in a row on the home front how does making time for someone else's recovery rank higher than the needs of his family? A family that HAS been waiting, sometimes a significant number of years, for his active involvement?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by pucababe
We have discussed this many times and this weekend he finally agree to give the family one week night every week (2 hours).
My sponsor is also one of the many that does not give his family quality time due to his AA (over involvement). This causes many a family member to resent AA in time. Has also lead to divorce in some cases.
You and your husband should probably seek couples counseling.
After the facts are laid out in session.
Your husband will be hit with the truth.
AA is great but, the family should never suffer!
M-Bob
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