confusedarewe

Hi all,
I'm new here, and have a thread as a new poster but figured I'd go to friends and family section. I met the sweetest man 3 mos ago and we instantly clicked. I've had so many relationships go south and I was ecstatic to meet someone who was so much like me. He's always drinks soda and would say he drank a lot of booze in his 30's so he stays away from it. Anyway, he confessed to being an alcoholic after a relapse one night. I am 100% supportive and even went to al Anon (which didn't help) and I went to AA with him. Of course his sponsor reminded him that a relationship is taboo during recovery (he did stop the drinking when relapsed- he hates drinking but sometimes you pick up). Anyway, he still wants me in his life, still wants exclusivity but no bf/gf title. He wants to be honest that with the title, comes expectations, which he cannot fulfill at the current moment, which I get. What bothers me is that we are the same except for the title. So I'm friends with benefits- all on his terms as I wait. I know I can't do that. All the other posters said he's manipulating me and I know that's not his intent. I think I should tell him I will see others. I want to continue to see him too because I do love him and hope we can be a couple again as he even said is possible. It's so weird to "act" like a couple but not be one. He also said he's not in love with me and can't let emotions in because of his sobriety. Honestly, I'm a mess myself right now. Once AGAIN- losing a loved one. Thoughts?

Carlotta

Hi

Alcoholic or not, if a man tells you that he is not in love with you and that he does not consider your his girlfriend: believe him.
You have been with him for only 3 months and he obviously has issues. There are plenty of nice men out there who want a commitment and would be proud to call you their girlfriend.
Why settle for less? Don't you feel that you deserve better than someone who is emotionally unavailable?

PuzzledHeart

With or without the alcohol, some men are just afraid of commitment.

I once dated a man who didn't want a relationship. He just wanted us to be friends. For a month and a half I got incredibly sucked into the "will we or won't we" drama.

I then met somebody else who made it abundantly clear that he wanted to fully commit to a relationship. I began to feel the same way too towards him. When I told Man #1 that I had met someone else, he just asked "How?"

It had never occurred to him that when he told me that he just wanted to be friends, that I would actually take him seriously. I then got angry - how could he act sad about the fact that I moved on when he was the one to tell me to move on in the first place? I just felt manipulated, and so I couldn't even be friends with him in the end.

I think he expected me to feel guilty so he could reel me back in. I think he wanted to keep me on a leash while he took his sweet time trying to figure us out. He forgot there were two timelines at play - his AND mine.

Believe me, three months is NOTHING when it comes to commitment. Believe me also when I tell you that my dating life was such a disaster that when I finally got married, one co-worker confessed that he was surprised - he thought my dating life was like several seasons of "Sex and the City". I was pretty insulted, but so be it.

But the man I'm with now - he was worth the wait. Every. Single. Second. of It. And I had to do it all over again I would be willing to date one thousand clunkers to find my husband. So hang in there, OK?

confusedarewe

Thanks! My Prince Charming keeps walking away- been with multiple men, I'm almost 49 and had a failed marriage and several long term relationships. I'm pretty, hard working and very sweet. Ugggg. This is draining and I just wish my A guy would not be so afraid but he is. That's the bottom line - alcohol or not, he's afraid to commit. He got scared.

Maudcat

Hi, confusedarewe. Welcome.
3 months isn't very long, and it sounds like your guy wanted the relationship on his terms, not yours.
Not uncommon in relationships.
But..if you are not equal, what's the point?

LexieCat

As a not-sober alcoholic, who's struggling to become a SOBER alcoholic, he has no business in a relationship. And YOU are only asking for more grief if you try to hold onto him.

If I were you, I'd back off, date other people. When/if he gets his sh*t together and builds a solid foundation for sobriety (for at least a year) THEN if you both are in a position to explore a relationship you can do it with a significantly lower risk of disaster. He says he doesn't want commitment, so why push for one? I think it's always a mistake to try to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be there.

doggonecarl

^ Nailed it!

atalose

If your Prince Charming’s keep walking away maybe it’s time to examine your approach to dating/relationships and commitment and the type of men you continue to pick. Sounds like you over invest to quickly, 3 months into dating this guy and you are already so in love and in need of that title of being in a committed relationship.

I have a friend who lost her husband about 5 years ago, they were together since high school so she didn’t date much. Today she is on every dating website and begins talking to these guys meeting them and ignoring all the red flags, she over invests in people she hardly knows then she ends up hurt. In her mind each one of these guys is “the one” where she creates in her mind and emotions dream futures with them growing old together and sharing a life together. She keeps on trying to put the square peg into the round hole and grows more and more frustrated with each attempt. She also becomes defensive if any of us (her friends) try and talk to her about it.

Alcoholic = red flag, early recovery = red flag, relapse = BIG RED FLAG, not wanting the same type of committed relationship as you = red flag, telling you he’s not in love with you = red flag.

And as a very wise person here on SR once said......red flags are not party favors!

I guess I have to ask, if he’s not doing anything where this relationship would progress then why would you want to stay?

tomsteve

" I am 100% supportive and even went to al Anon (which didn't help) "
didnt help what?
how many meetings did ya go to? did you get and read any of their literature?

atalose asked this:
"I guess I have to ask, if he’s not doing anything where this relationship would progress then why would you want to stay?"

im gonna go answerin this for ME:
i did it because i had untreated codependency.

aliciagr

I think the above might answer your question. He's been told he cant be in a relationship (by a sponsor who has no right to get involved with that aspect of his life) and now he has mentally altered the relationship to reap the benefits while trying to meet what he thinks are his recovery obligations. Although he may be a sweet man, I think he is in an unhealthy place and not capable of being an equal partner to you. I would give a lot of thought to your own goals for the future. Only you can decide if continuing to see him is worth your time, energy, emotions - or if its best to try and seek out someone else who isnt afraid to move forward in a equally beneficial relationship with you.

AnvilheadII

since no one else has suggested it yet, might as well be me.....i recall you said in another post you only see each other once a week or so. so it's entirely possible you are not the only woman he is "not" having a relationship with........

firebolt

I agree with everyone here. I hope you can redirect your focus from a "failed marriage , multiple relationships, and several lost loved ones."

I don't think that's the failure you are feeling it is.

'Losing' people that aren't right for you is a success.

I am a serial dater - several long term live in relationships. They were all great in their own way, and we had fun together, A LOT of fun! But for one reason or another, they weren't right for me, or me for them. Many, MANY lessons learned.

And I know the 'soul mate for life' sentiment is a strong one, and i'm sure is fantastic when it works out. But, to me, it's still a life well lived if we spend time with a hundred great partners over the course of it.

Try and focus on you, and your wants and needs. It doesn't sound like they align at all with his at the moment.

honeypig

I have to say, nowadays it seems absolutely crystal clear to me that if I was with someone who gave ANY indication they did not want to be with me, be it friend or lover, I wouldn't waste any time trying to convince them otherwise. That's not to say I wouldn't feel hurt or sad for a while before I accepted things, but as so many others have said, when someone tells you they're not in love, not interested in "that way", for god's sake, believe them!

I cannot tell you how different my life would have been if I'd learned that lesson long ago. However, I didn't learn it long ago, I just learned it in the last few years. Going forward, I hope I never, ever lose sight of that.

I'm going to close w/2 quotes from my "Wisdom of SR" folder:

I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.

It's a new experience for me learning to be another person’s companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.

FallenAngelina

This is a very good question. What help were you hoping to find?

It wasn't until I got involved with a full tilt alcoholic and got myself to Al-Anon that I finally started understanding a lifetime of some very codependent thinking on my part. While there was always lots of love, I'd also been interacting with men in some anxiety-provoking ways and brought a lot of unrealistic expectations into the relationship. Al-Anon (and therapy and yoga, actually) are helping me take a look at myself, better understand my fears and choose many more satisfying ways to approach life and other people. I see the alcoholic in my life (who "inspired" me to get involved with Al-Anon) as an opportunity to shine a light and change a lot about myself that had been problematic for many years before he came along. Now, participating in Al-Anon is not about him at all and we have parted ways. It's about me finding more of myself. I know that for myself, the need to be loved and filled (and fear that I'd be disappointed yet again by yet another man) is what underlay most of the anxiety that I'd previously experienced. One thing I've learned there is that the more we have of ourselves, especially spiritually, the less need we bring to other people in the hopes that they can fill our void.

NYCDoglvr

That's basically the deal he outlined. And "wait" for what? For him to fall madly in love with you? Not going to happen. I'd move on and wish him the best in his recovery....it's a solitary path the alcoholic must make on his own.

confusedarewe

I thought al Anon would give advice and they don't. I'm getting advice here and that's what I'm seeking. What I DO know is that yes, I'm codependent on men (relationships). So leaving this one as much as it shouldn't hurt but will, is extremely difficult for me. I should probably go to Codependents Anonymous for me. Regarding my A bf or whatever he is- I will tell him that I'll see others and explain why. Because I'm codependent, I don't know if I can bow out of his life altogether.

AnvilheadII

Because I'm codependent, I don't know if I can bow out of his life altogether.

that's like an alcoholic saying, because i'm alcoholic, i don't know if i can stop drinking.

codependency is not a life sentence. we can and do recover. we learn new ways to deal with our thoughts and emotions. we learn to break patterns.

perhaps taking a break from THIS relationship would also be a good time to take a break from ALL relationships (man break) so you CAN focus on you.

confusedarewe

I have focused on me for years and I'm lonely. Never felt fulfilled in the love department. When I thought I was fulfilled - poof- It's gone! Been to numerous counseling sessions to no avail.

Also , I don't see him often because he owns his own business, goes to AA daily and has a little boy part time that i have not met yet.

AnvilheadII

no one outside of ourselves can complete us....that line in Jerry MacQuire is a load of hooey. we must see ourselves as self-sufficient and fully intact.

men really aren't good fixes.....any more than food or shopping or hoarding is a good way to feel full, complete and satiated. if we do not change our behaviors, we cannot change our circumstance.

keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.

honeypig

confused, have you taken the opportunity to read around the forum? Have you looked into the stickied threads at the top of the page to get some education about alcoholism, co-dependence, etc? Regarding Alanon, have you read any of the literature or listened to any of the talks on the website?

It seems to me that one of the very first things that would help you would be some education about what you're dealing with, both with the A in your life and in your pattern w/relationships. You mention that this is a repeating pattern in your life, and as Anvil said, if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you're likely to get the same results. Simply taking on a label (co-dependent) as if it's a life sentence and can't be changed is not going to be your path to a free and joyous life.

Something needs to change, and that "something" is you. You can learn new attitudes and behaviors, and it will change your life, in ways you can't even imagine right now. So many of us started where you are now and have moved on to happiness and fulfillment, with or without a partner. You can get there too.