confusedarewe

Thank you. I haven't read all the posts and literature on this site but have read a lot in general about alcoholism. I can go to condependents 12 step meetings for myself but I'm wondering if my guy is using me or dialing it down for sobriety. The consensus is that he's using me regardless of the disease at hand.

confusedarewe

Hi friends - we talked on the phone for 2 1/2 hours. I told him that I will see other men since he's working on sobriety, therefore not emotionally available. He agreed that being exlusive, without being my bf and asking me to wait is not a fair statement. He wants me to be happy- whatever it takes to do so. What we both know is that we don't want to let go of eachother. I asked him how he would feel if I would withhold sex and he said that's perfectly fine. So, it sounds like he does love me bcuz he doesn't want to let go- no matter what - but "he doesn't love me". Anyway, going to AA twice a day, balancing a child part time and a business is a lot. What he IS afraid of is relapsing again and losing everything- the child, the business- even me. So one day at a time. As he puts it - "the movie isn't over yet". We will still be in each other's lives pretty regularly but I'll will venture out too. Hugs needed

LexieCat

Um, that sounds like a simple exercise of control. He is TELLING you he doesn't "love" you, but you are interpreting his not wanting to let go as "love." People who love don't talk that way. He wants you to be available at his convenience.

I'm sending a hug, and also urging you to spend a LOT of time reading around these forums. You are setting yourself up for a lot more hurt, I think.

firebolt

Sending you hugs. BIG HUGS.

I hope you stick around here, and I hope you give Alanon a go again with an open mind. It isn't for everyone, and there are some things I didn't LOVE about it...but:

The lack of advice teaches us to seek answers from ourselves, to trust our instincts, and to pay attention to our wants and needs. As codependants....these are skills we are SEVERELY lacking.

I showed up here wanting advice on how to help an alcoholic...not one answer was one I wanted to hear. NOT ONE.

I showed up at an alanon meeting a sobbing wreck to tell others that would understand my woes and about how awful he was to me, and to find out what I could do to change it. I got a half a sentence out about him before someone put a hand on my shoulder and told me that this is about me.

What I'm saying is that what is actually good for us, is pretty counter-intuitive to a codie. "Take what you would normally do, and do the opposite" became a mantra for me in the very uncomfortable 2 years it took to change my codie-ness.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like he's trying to keep you on the back burner. He doesn't want to let go....but....What if, YOU let go, work on yourself, learn how to keep that codependency at bay and in check, and then circle back to check in in a year or 2 when you both have some recovery time and health under your belts? If it's meant to be and true love and all that, then what better time than when you are BOTH healthy?!

LeeJane

He is keeping you on the back burner in case he wants you.

You deserve better than that. Far better.

AnvilheadII

So, it sounds like he does love me bcuz he doesn't want to let go- no matter what - but "he doesn't love me".

well that's one way to spin it.........?

i believe this is called grasping at straws.

he said he doesn't love you.
he said he doesn't want to be called your boyfriend.
he said he's ok if you two don't have sex.
he said he's ok if you see other people.

short of a house falling on you, i'm not sure how you are not getting the message here?

tomsteve

"So, it sounds like he does love me bcuz he doesn't want to let go- no matter what - but "he doesn't love me". '

confused, are you aware there are different types of love? this goes all the way back to the ancient greeks:
“Eros” or Erotic Love.
“Philia” or Affectionate Love. ...
“Storge” or Familiar Love. ...
“Ludus” or Playful Love. ...
“Mania” or Obsessive Love. ...
“Pragma” or Enduring Love. ...
“Philautia” or Self Love. ...
“Agape” or Selfless Love.

i love my brother.
i also love reeses.
but not in the same way

might be time to practice philautia love, eh?

FallenAngelina

Al-Anon is about bringing you back with your spirit, your soul, your higher power - an opportunity to develop more of you so that you don't, before all else, look to another person to cue how you should be feeling. That's why there's "no advice" recommended. Most of us are codependents and we're really good at, in one way or another, asking other people what we should do and feel. Al-Anon is an opportunity to develop our own internal navigational system, get in touch with our own intuition and make choices from a place of peace and connectedness to our own souls. It's a long term life change. Advice is a totally different animal.

Many people in Al-Anon long do not have active alcoholics in their lives, but stick with the program because it's a wonderful self-improvement program and community of wellness-oriented people. This is my experience.

FallenAngelina

I would respectfully suggest that perhaps you have been focusing on yourself, but if this has been your experience, you have not been doing effective work on yourself. Effective internal work brings joy, self-respect, engagement in the world, love of life - all of which cannot help but bring fulfilling relationships of all kinds. Likewise, there's no way that a romantic relationship can provide joy, self-respect, engagement in the world, love of life and love of you if it's all not already present in you. You keep asking men to fill you up and that's impossible for them to do, so of course it feels like disappointment after disappointment. I tried it your way for years, so believe me, I know - and you know, too.

Ariesagain

Sigh. Being the blunt one isn't usually my style, but in this case...

NONSENSE.

You're lying to yourself.

There is no way anyone spends 2 1/2 hours on the phone actually breaking up with someone.

And there is no way you aren't going to keep in contact and hang on his every word trying to see if the winds are shifting your way.

And MAYBE you will half-heartedly have dinner with some other guy...maybe...but he will not measure up in any way to the fantasy you will have built up in your head about this emotionally unavailable alcoholic.

And you will have sex with him again. Guaranteed.

How do I know? Because I was you thirty years ago and I remember it only too well.

This isn't a movie. This is your one precious life. Write your own script, don't be a bit player in his.

AnvilheadII

so aries, you are 79 then???

atalose

Yeah, but we all know how it ends! Your just seeing the first act.

confusedarewe

Well, I'm a sense, I'm putting him on the back burner too. I'll date him and others. He also suggested that I go to Al Anon and I'm welcome to go to AA with him. Codependents like me don't want to let go. That's what I need to work on and will. Cutting him100% loose now is like me needing rehab. Can anyone understand? Seeing other people in the meantime is my temporary pain relief until I can heal.

FallenAngelina

If a man wrote this, he'd be run out of town on a rail.

This is using people and not only is it unkind and irresponsible, it's terribly detrimental to your mental health.

AnvilheadII

WHOA WHOA WHOA.
using other people to make YOU feel better is NOT the healthy choice.
MEN are not your solution.
don't blame your codependency, own it and face it head on.
as a woman who is half a century old you should know some of this by now???

Ariesagain

Get off my lawn!

LexieCat

Even alcoholics who "need rehab" are responsible for their actions. They don't get a "pass" because they are alcoholics.

Same deal with someone who's co-dependent. You don't get a "pass" for treating other people as a temporary fix.

You have the right to do what you want to do. It might be a good idea, though, to consider whether what you are doing is a) healthy for you and b) right or kind to others.

firebolt

Oh, we ALL understand. Some of this is what landed us here too. I get it.

It takes time, hard work, and relearning some stuff to turn this around.

It took a lot for me to even land on the realization that I was 'using' other people to feel better, and considering our parallel to addicts...I haven't had much luck helping an alcoholic by telling them they outta know not to drink so much by now.

Confused, Alanon is a good place to start, and it's always better late than never. Codependant No More is a good read too - eye opening.

Ladybird579

Seeing other people in the meantime is my temporary pain relief until I can heal.

You need to learn skills to heal by yourself, Not by using people to make yourself feel better as a temporary fix. Not only is it hurtful to others it won't help you heal. Working on ourselves by ourselves is the only way. Yeah it's hard work, painful and at times lonely but there are not short cuts to our recovery. If you bypass working on yourself I guarantee you will end up with another addict sooner or later and you will not have the building blocks in place to say no I deserve better. Rinse and repeat.

tomsteve

yes. i needed rehab, but was in denial about it,too.

healthymen dont like to be used any more thanhealthy women do.

for some mysterious reason i could see ya bolting in the middle of pain relief if ya get a call to go to an AA meeting.
youre not an alcoholic,are you?