Codependent newbie with HF alcoholic husband deep in denial
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 27
Codependent newbie with HF alcoholic husband deep in denial
Hi everyone!
First let me tell you how much simply reading through the different posts and threads on this forum has helped me so far. I've creeped the boards quite a bit before deciding to join - mainly in the desperate hours of the night when my AH stays up late into the night drinking alone. I have huddled in bed with my tablet and have searched for answers - for anything online to help me cope and try to figure out what to do.
My AH and I have been married almost 10 years. No kids. We both have pretty good careers and for the most part get along well. The exception is when he is drinking. About a year or so ago I finally woke up from the denial I was living in and admitted to myself and a therapist that my husband is an alcoholic. Google and internet research tells me he would be classified as a high functioning alcoholic (although I believe no alcoholic is really "functioning" per se, but that's just my opinion). He drinks on Friday nights and Saturdays and really any other day where he's off the next day. A normal drinking night consists of anywhere from 12-20 beers. Sometimes more, fewer times less. When he drinks he doesn't get mean or violent. I feel fortunate in that respect. In fact, he becomes more attentive and affectionate which I have come to really hate. Activities we do on these days must revolve around alcohol. If I choose a restaurant without it, we can't go there. If I choose an activity without it, he may bring a flask. Anything we do ends up at home with him having a case of beer.
I'm to the point where I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year - long story as to why it started but in short, the alcohol was the main reason behind the smaller things. I've also been to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings. Therapy and meetings are helpful and I feel better for a short period but the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness return as soon as I come home and see him guzzling the beer. I've talked to friends and it's amazing how much people have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors. It's embarrassing and sad. No one knows that while he may seem like the guy who just "likes to drink" at parties, he then comes home after having 10 beers there drinks another 12 pack on top of the 4-6 he has before he even went to the party.
There were many red flags before we married that I ignored. Back then he drank more and added liquor on top. I foolishly thought that as he "grew up" he'd cut back and in some ways he has. In other ways he's worse. I've approached him many times in the past about his drinking and have asked him to cut back or try to stop. He doesn't think he has a problem and always says the classic alcoholic statement of " I just like the taste of beer". I've turned to prayer and therapy and now CR and am still struggling. I'm hopeful as time progresses I'll have the strength and wisdom to know how to handle this. I love him and I love the time we have together when he's sober, but it's getting harder and harder to sit back and watch him poison himself every weekend. Thanks for letting me share!
First let me tell you how much simply reading through the different posts and threads on this forum has helped me so far. I've creeped the boards quite a bit before deciding to join - mainly in the desperate hours of the night when my AH stays up late into the night drinking alone. I have huddled in bed with my tablet and have searched for answers - for anything online to help me cope and try to figure out what to do.
My AH and I have been married almost 10 years. No kids. We both have pretty good careers and for the most part get along well. The exception is when he is drinking. About a year or so ago I finally woke up from the denial I was living in and admitted to myself and a therapist that my husband is an alcoholic. Google and internet research tells me he would be classified as a high functioning alcoholic (although I believe no alcoholic is really "functioning" per se, but that's just my opinion). He drinks on Friday nights and Saturdays and really any other day where he's off the next day. A normal drinking night consists of anywhere from 12-20 beers. Sometimes more, fewer times less. When he drinks he doesn't get mean or violent. I feel fortunate in that respect. In fact, he becomes more attentive and affectionate which I have come to really hate. Activities we do on these days must revolve around alcohol. If I choose a restaurant without it, we can't go there. If I choose an activity without it, he may bring a flask. Anything we do ends up at home with him having a case of beer.
I'm to the point where I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year - long story as to why it started but in short, the alcohol was the main reason behind the smaller things. I've also been to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings. Therapy and meetings are helpful and I feel better for a short period but the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness return as soon as I come home and see him guzzling the beer. I've talked to friends and it's amazing how much people have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors. It's embarrassing and sad. No one knows that while he may seem like the guy who just "likes to drink" at parties, he then comes home after having 10 beers there drinks another 12 pack on top of the 4-6 he has before he even went to the party.
There were many red flags before we married that I ignored. Back then he drank more and added liquor on top. I foolishly thought that as he "grew up" he'd cut back and in some ways he has. In other ways he's worse. I've approached him many times in the past about his drinking and have asked him to cut back or try to stop. He doesn't think he has a problem and always says the classic alcoholic statement of " I just like the taste of beer". I've turned to prayer and therapy and now CR and am still struggling. I'm hopeful as time progresses I'll have the strength and wisdom to know how to handle this. I love him and I love the time we have together when he's sober, but it's getting harder and harder to sit back and watch him poison himself every weekend. Thanks for letting me share!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Loneshewolf. Welcome to SR.
I wish I could tell you your story is unique.
Alas, it is not.
I also wish I had an answer for you.
I do not.
I can tell you that alcohol dependency and addiction is progressive.
Your husband will need more and more alcohol to unlock the ahhhh moment in his brain.
I don't think you mentioned your ages, but, along with being progressive, long term consumption of alcohol does dreadful stuff to our bodies as we age.
My kinda go to recommendation here is to envision your life with your husband 10, 15, 20 years from now. Unless he embraces sobriety and recovery, he will be older, drunker, sicker.
You can't change him. You can, however, change you.
I wish I could tell you your story is unique.
Alas, it is not.
I also wish I had an answer for you.
I do not.
I can tell you that alcohol dependency and addiction is progressive.
Your husband will need more and more alcohol to unlock the ahhhh moment in his brain.
I don't think you mentioned your ages, but, along with being progressive, long term consumption of alcohol does dreadful stuff to our bodies as we age.
My kinda go to recommendation here is to envision your life with your husband 10, 15, 20 years from now. Unless he embraces sobriety and recovery, he will be older, drunker, sicker.
You can't change him. You can, however, change you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad you're here--you are DEFINITELY in the right place. Hope you will continue with both therapy and CR--having that face-to-face support is critical, I think.
Things will become clearer over time. I'm glad you don't have kids in the picture--that's something to be grateful for when you're dealing with a situation like this. My second husband was a good guy, too--he had long passed the functional stage (it's always progressive--yours won't stay "functional" indefinitely), but a good person. When he went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I finally decided I couldn't live with watching his life circle the drain any longer. He's still drinking as far as I know, almost 20 years later, and I've never regretted not sticking around for the horror show his life must be.
Things will become clearer over time. I'm glad you don't have kids in the picture--that's something to be grateful for when you're dealing with a situation like this. My second husband was a good guy, too--he had long passed the functional stage (it's always progressive--yours won't stay "functional" indefinitely), but a good person. When he went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I finally decided I couldn't live with watching his life circle the drain any longer. He's still drinking as far as I know, almost 20 years later, and I've never regretted not sticking around for the horror show his life must be.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Welcome. Reading your post, I can definitely relate. My AH was a lot like yours just 4 long/short years ago. Most consumption on weekends, mor affection after drinking, and when confronted about the drinking, saying it was his way to relax. Little did I know he was slowly making his way up to drinking every single day, then eventually during the work day, at least 6-7 beers that I knew of (he said 2-3, but they were quart size cans), drinking cases at a time during vacations. It does get progressively worse if they don't decide to do something about it. Mine went to inpatient Rehab for three weeks last year when he was unemployed (three job losses in about two years after a decade and a half of steady employment record). Was a model inpatient, as per the inpatient counselor, dry for almost four months, but went straight back to active addiction worse than ever, more lies and no therapy or meetings since. Worsening health and our relationship has been coming apart even worse since then. I wish I could say something more hopeful but based on my experience and reading the stories of countless others here, it only seems to get worse and worse and at the expense of those who love the person the most. I hope you find comfort and inspiration here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome Loneshewolf. I'm so glad you found us. Also so sorry for what brings you here.
We do have a few whose qualifiers achieved sobriety and made the relationship work but they are few and far between. The good news is that many of us figured out how to save ourselves from being consume by another's addiction.
Stick around and keep posting.
We do have a few whose qualifiers achieved sobriety and made the relationship work but they are few and far between. The good news is that many of us figured out how to save ourselves from being consume by another's addiction.
Stick around and keep posting.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Our stores are very similar. It took me a little longer to realize that my AH (high functioning) had a problem. My anger & resentment just continued to build up. It's sad and heartbreaking to watch, isn't it? I just finished reading, a few weeks ago, "Understanding the High Functioning Alcoholic". I think it always helps to have a better understanding. Learn how to detach. Focus back onto yourself by doing things you love. Do you have hobbies? Friends?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I couldn't live with watching his life circle the drain any longer.
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Originally Posted by flower959
Our stores are very similar. It took me a little longer to realize that my AH (high functioning) had a problem. My anger & resentment just continued to build up. It's sad and heartbreaking to watch, isn't it? I just finished reading, a few weeks ago, "Understanding the High Functioning Alcoholic". I think it always helps to have a better understanding. Learn how to detach. Focus back onto yourself by doing things you love. Do you have hobbies? Friends?
Yes, I agree that our stories are similar. I think I've always known he had a problem but I chose to overlook it. It just got harder and harder over time. Now I'm in the stage where even though I've said things before about how I'd like him to cut back on the drinking and how I was worried about his health, I'm terrified to have the "big" talk - to share how bad it's hurting me and our marriage. I KNOW it needs to happen it's just having the courage to do it. Maybe because I'm afraid of how he'll react or maybe because I'm afraid he may choose it over me (which I know he's already doing in a sense). So I continue to suffer in silence but I do have hobbies and friends and in the past year I have made a point to take care of myself first and foremost. I seem to detach for a few months but continue to revert back to the codependent nature of counting the drinks and watching the behavior. I want to get to the place where I don't let it effect me so much on a consistent basis. I know he'll never be "normal" and reading stories here don't get me a whole lot of hope for him to get sober. I guess it's just a matter of when I will get to the point where enough is enough - I just have to put my faith in my higher power (God) that whatever and whenever that time is meant to be, I'll have the wisdom and courage to do what's needed.
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My faith-based counselor definitely feels my AH's drinking is a problem and has encouraged me to talk to him about it, I've just been reluctant and scared to go too much in depth with AH. My problem is that I tend to hold my anger and resentment in and then say something snarky to him which makes matters worse. I know what I'm doing isn't helpful - I know myself though too. I just need to get the point where enough is enough and I'm not there yet. Years of rejection and fear of rejection have made it hard for me to tell those I love the most how they hurt me (long story). Anyway, a few months ago I considered leaving my AH but was going back and forth and my therapist was supportive, encouraging me to take time to think and pray on it and to do what I felt was best - so it's not like they are saying to stay or go, but just being supportive of wherever I am mentally and giving me encouraging suggestions to help me cope along the way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One of the things that I did was to let my husband know that his drinking was seriously affecting my life and that if he did not address it, I would at some point be moving on. I didn't do it when I was angry; I didn't do it while he was drunk. Saying it out loud made it more "real" to me as an option, and I also felt I had given him plenty of notice. I didn't make ultimatums like, "get sober by x date or I'm gone," or "I'm leaving the next time you drink." This allowed me to maintain my credibility by not making empty threats, and allowed me to do it when the time was right.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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You said that you have already approached him many times, in the past about h is drinking and asked him to cut down or to stop....(did you tell your counselor that?
Ultimately, the decision is yours as to what you are willing to live with and what y ou want your future life to be like.....
Others can carry the message...but, as to what to do with the messages is up to you.....
Ultimately, the decision is yours as to what you are willing to live with and what y ou want your future life to be like.....
Others can carry the message...but, as to what to do with the messages is up to you.....
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Its fortunate you don't have kids, makes the decision a lot easier.
Its a tough situation-for me it worked out better for mine and my kids lives when I left my AW, definitely can't imagine living like that again with all the deceit and emotional sickness. It also helped me to get more into my hobbies like running and music, I was able to find more happiness in areas other that my marriage which I had tied so much of life fulfillment into.
There's always hope and light at the end of the tunnel, like what's been said recovery is hard to obtain and you have no way of knowing if he'll change but you can change yourself.
Its a tough situation-for me it worked out better for mine and my kids lives when I left my AW, definitely can't imagine living like that again with all the deceit and emotional sickness. It also helped me to get more into my hobbies like running and music, I was able to find more happiness in areas other that my marriage which I had tied so much of life fulfillment into.
There's always hope and light at the end of the tunnel, like what's been said recovery is hard to obtain and you have no way of knowing if he'll change but you can change yourself.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
One of the things that I did was to let my husband know that his drinking was seriously affecting my life and that if he did not address it, I would at some point be moving on. I didn't do it when I was angry; I didn't do it while he was drunk. Saying it out loud made it more "real" to me as an option, and I also felt I had given him plenty of notice. I didn't make ultimatums like, "get sober by x date or I'm gone," or "I'm leaving the next time you drink." This allowed me to maintain my credibility by not making empty threats, and allowed me to do it when the time was right.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
TBH, I can't remember exactly what his reaction was. Probably some promise or other. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention because I was long past the point of believing any promises. It was more like a "heads up." Mine KNEW how bad the drinking was. He'd almost died of liver/kidney failure, and after a near-miraculous recovery, had been told he'd be fine IF he never drank again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, you can tell him that you didn't sign up for someone who is "checked out" much of the time. You didn't sign up for worrying about someone's health for something they are doing to themselves. Give some thought to the ways it affects you. Just don't expect him to agree or apologize or do anything about it. You don't have to have him agree. Speak your own truth and let it go.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Originally Posted by LexieCat
One of the things that I did was to let my husband know that his drinking was seriously affecting my life and that if he did not address it, I would at some point be moving on. I didn't do it when I was angry; I didn't do it while he was drunk. Saying it out loud made it more "real" to me as an option, and I also felt I had given him plenty of notice. I didn't make ultimatums like, "get sober by x date or I'm gone," or "I'm leaving the next time you drink." This allowed me to maintain my credibility by not making empty threats, and allowed me to do it when the time was right.
Lexi's advice is fantastic.
I just wanted to add that I am from the 'dark' side here. I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been for close to six years. Maintainenance of my sobriety and staying active in recovery is my highest priority as I am well aware that, without it, everything else will lose its meaning and fall apart.
If and when you have the discussion with your husband, and if he agrees to become sober, please suggest that he work some kind of program. There are many to choose from:
AA
Celebrate Recovery
Rational Recovery
Addictive Voice Recognition Therapy
Rehab
Intensive Outpatient Therapy
You may want to join Alanon for your own health.
All the best to you, Loneshewolf, and again Welcome to SR.
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This past weekend was terrible. AH went out with a drinking buddy Friday evening and came home a few hours later, already drunk. He proceeded to drink all of his beer in the fridge and was visibly drunk, slurring words, and stumbling around. This is a progression from the past when he could drink 12-15 beers and not appear drunk. I had went in another room most of the evening while he was on the phone with friends and family and when I came downstairs around 10:30 he was in an emotional state. Very upset about some things going on at work and with the health of a friend's family member. Normally I'd blow it off and get out of there but I felt compelled to show him compassion and listen. He ended up telling me things that he would never tell me sober about his thoughts and feelings about himself and our relationship – what I mean to him. He actually came up to bed with me around 11 but before he passed out he said "I can't do this" and when I asked "do what" he said, "you know". Flash back, he has an anxiety disorder and in the past has threatened suicide so that comment definitely perked my ears and made me lay there stricken with anxiety and fear for the next hour or two.
The next morning I was still very uneasy and decided to say something to him about his drunken behavior and statement the night before. This was big for me because as I said before, I’m very non-confrontational but something inside me felt numb and I just needed to get my feelings out. I told him I thought he drank entirely too much the night before and that he went to a place where his demons came out because of it. He claimed he was “fine” and that all the work stress and other things just got to him and he drank "a little too much". I told him I'm very concerned and worried about him. He was apologetic and reiterated how much he loves me, values our life together, and doesn't want to worry me. I feel like he values drinking WAY more than me evidenced by his unwillingness to even admit he has a problem. At lunch he continued telling me he doesn’t want to worry me and he cares more about me than anything else, all the while drinking 3 large beers, followed up by at least a 6 pack while we went to play golf, then came home and continued on with the beers in the fridge. I tried my best to ignore his drinking and to focus on myself by reading a book I was interested in. Then at one point he looked at me out of the blue and asked "what would it take for you to leave me?" It wasn't said like he wants me to leave, but earlier in the day he went on about how he doesn't think he deserves me and that I am a better person than he is, that he doesn't care about himself so I assumed it was more self-deprecating talk. So he went from saying he can't do this (meaning life) on Friday night, to telling me I'm stuck with him earlier in the day on Saturday and joking about what he’d do if I left him (stand outside my window and sing) to asking me what it would take for me to leave him once he was drunk that evening.
I swear I have emotional whiplash. Reading on here has been helpful and I’ve been journaling, going to church, and I see my counselor today. I have also considered going to an Al-Anon meeting in my area rather than CR. I am thinking about asking him this evening since he’ll be sober (it’s a work day) why - if he doesn’t want our relationship to end up in divorce like so many others he knows – he drinks to the point he is asking me what it would take for me to leave him. It’s like he’s trying to self- sabotage. I realize I didn’t cause this, can’t control or cure it but my goodness it’s like constant emotional warfare! Just needed to share with others that understand
The next morning I was still very uneasy and decided to say something to him about his drunken behavior and statement the night before. This was big for me because as I said before, I’m very non-confrontational but something inside me felt numb and I just needed to get my feelings out. I told him I thought he drank entirely too much the night before and that he went to a place where his demons came out because of it. He claimed he was “fine” and that all the work stress and other things just got to him and he drank "a little too much". I told him I'm very concerned and worried about him. He was apologetic and reiterated how much he loves me, values our life together, and doesn't want to worry me. I feel like he values drinking WAY more than me evidenced by his unwillingness to even admit he has a problem. At lunch he continued telling me he doesn’t want to worry me and he cares more about me than anything else, all the while drinking 3 large beers, followed up by at least a 6 pack while we went to play golf, then came home and continued on with the beers in the fridge. I tried my best to ignore his drinking and to focus on myself by reading a book I was interested in. Then at one point he looked at me out of the blue and asked "what would it take for you to leave me?" It wasn't said like he wants me to leave, but earlier in the day he went on about how he doesn't think he deserves me and that I am a better person than he is, that he doesn't care about himself so I assumed it was more self-deprecating talk. So he went from saying he can't do this (meaning life) on Friday night, to telling me I'm stuck with him earlier in the day on Saturday and joking about what he’d do if I left him (stand outside my window and sing) to asking me what it would take for me to leave him once he was drunk that evening.
I swear I have emotional whiplash. Reading on here has been helpful and I’ve been journaling, going to church, and I see my counselor today. I have also considered going to an Al-Anon meeting in my area rather than CR. I am thinking about asking him this evening since he’ll be sober (it’s a work day) why - if he doesn’t want our relationship to end up in divorce like so many others he knows – he drinks to the point he is asking me what it would take for me to leave him. It’s like he’s trying to self- sabotage. I realize I didn’t cause this, can’t control or cure it but my goodness it’s like constant emotional warfare! Just needed to share with others that understand
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I am thinking about asking him this evening since he’ll be sober (it’s a work day)
You are wanting to have an important emotional conversation with someone operating with a alcohol soaked brain, and what you are going to get are words you long to hear or defensiveness and agitation especially agitation if he’s not consumed any.
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