Tired of pretending we are normal
 

I have never made a post or blog or anything like this so please bare with me. I currently have an AH, been married a year together for 8. Told him we couldnt get married unless he quit drinking he never really did. There were times when he was forced to quit or hide it well due to trouble with the courts and those seemed to be some of the happier times other than when we first got together. Mornings are the best because he is the man i fell in love with goal-oriented, well spoken, caring, affectionated, thoughtful. He has alway adored me and tells me all the time how much he loves me and is so happy i am in his life and for the most part i believe that is true but then there is the other side of him. I can take one look in his eyes and the switch has flipped.
He has never been violent with me in all these years or has hardly called me a bad name. If he evers does call me something like the "b" word out of anger it hurts really bad because like i said he rarely does that but he can be so mean and cold and doesnt have a problem with pointing out everyones problems and redirecting to someone else usually my kids or throwing my ex husband name in the mix to deflect things off of him. I used to cry all the time and beg and bargain but now i am so tired.
We used to do alot of things the first couple of years we were together and it was fun but now i never want to do anything and to plan a trip or day outing is consumed with knowing he will find a way to be drunk by the time it is over. He carries the little airplane bottles around in his pockets makes it easy to get bombed before i even realized hes at that point.
I dont know i guess i just need someone to talk to who understands i cant talk to my friends and family anymore about it because i feel like its my own fault i married him anyhow so this is what i get. I guess i keep thinking maybe things will get better at least that is what my heart thinks but my mind is telling me this will be how the rest of my life will be always waiting for the other shoe to drop and he just thinks we have the best relationship and has no idea how bad i am really hurting and i have to get this out somehow because holding it all in all the time is killing me. Just looking for people who can listen and that understand. Hopefully someone replies back, like i said i've never posted before new to this plus i can only respond when he is not around so if i dont respond right away you know why. Thanks for letting me vent

Hi, Kermit. Welcome.
Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?
Could be a great source of support and information.

Welcome Kermit. Sorry for what brings you here.

I relate to what you share. An exhausting way to live.

I also recommend Al-anon. The program, meetings and fellowship helped me enormously.

I haven't been to any meetings, it is hard to get away or find one that fits my work schedule but mostly to get away without him knowing I am going to meeting. I really need to start taking care of my own needs. I am the one always giving advice to others when they ask but don't take my own, this is such a sticky trap it seems like. we have a good day and I think oh today is different let's enjoy this. It really stinks because I do love him.

You can always just tell him you're meeting up with some friends (true). Or just be honest--that you are having difficulty coping with his drinking and you are going to Al-Anon for yourself. Al-Anon is all about YOU, not about getting the alcoholic sober.

And for heaven's sake, work on losing the notion that you must "suffer the consequences" because you married him knowing about his drinking. The fact is, he promised to deal with it and he has not. And it will inevitably get worse, not better, unless/until he quits for good.

Please practice good contraception. Having a baby does NOT motivate most alcoholics to recover. They might WANT to be good parents, but the addiction is extremely powerful. Children are greatly harmed by growing up with an actively drinking alcoholic parent. They have no choice in the matter--you do. So please don't even consider bringing a child into the family unless/until he has a solid period of good recovery under his belt.

Kermit...by the way, a solid period of good recovery is one year...minimum...(2 to 3 years is more like it)
And, that would be a year of co mplete sobriety...and, in my own opinion---working a program such as AA with a sponsor and working the steps....
Just putting down the bottle is being "sober"...but, it is not the same thing as "being in recovery"......

Dandylion, how right you are. That is so important. My AH has quit 4 times and has gone to meeting after meeting but most of The time never worked on himself which is the actual recovery that needs to take place. He was essentially an angry but sober person. Geez, dare I say that he was more bearable while drinking! Someone once said here that they have to learn a whole different way of thinking, just as we are learning to do. We didn't become the way we are overnight and it's going to be a journey to make the change. Unfortunately some just don't seem to want it bad enough. That remains to be seen for my husband and yours also.
I'm new to SR as well and your story is similiar to mine. Keep posting, it does certainly seem to help. :grouphug:

One of the most important things I've learned is the difference between sobriety and recovery. My XABF is a sweetheart and lots of fun when he's drinking. Took me awhile to learn that the barrier between us was all of the reasons that he drinks - and all of the reasons that I get anxiety about him. Sometimes, there is no glaring, horrific drunken behavior and it's hard to see how alcoholism eats away at a relationship, especially when the person isn't acting terribly or even not drinking.

Have you made attempts to talk to your husband when he is sober, perhaps in the morning as you said that is when things are usually at their best? I say this because it sounds like you are for the most part suffering in silence, thinking about the losses that are piling up - the fun things you used to do together, going places, trips away, and the closeness you have lost with him. Does he know how you are feeling?

I isolated from my family and friends when I was in the midst of dealing with my husbands troubles. Looking back, it was the worst decision I could have made. Relationships are all different, so you have to decide the people you trust and can share with of course.

Also, I was wondering if do things alone outside the home? classes, exercise, shopping with friends? I took these things away from myself also when I was in isolation mode. If you think going to a meeting, or seeing a therapist, or even contacting local treatment centers for educational purposes would be helpful, then I hope you can do that for yourself. If you think picking a hobby or spending more time with friends developing your own interest would help you, then I hope you try this also. There are also a lot of good peer support options online and its nice because its available any time, even when you only have a few minutes. Welcome.