Newbie....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Newbie....
Hi
Please be patient with me, I’m really nervous about posting here. I’m scared I’ll stick my foot in it or you’ll all think I’m really stupid.
My husband was/is an alcoholic. We decided to stop drinking on Saturday and he seems more committed as every day’s gone by. It’s a bit complicated because he wasn’t drinking really badly before, but it was still too much and because of the past it was definitely scaring me and I think he was worried too. Nine years ago (we met at uni) it destroyed his degree, and just about everything else, we were just friends then but I loved him to pieces as a person.
I was only 22 and got everything wrong, all I ever did was beg him to stop and get mad at him. To cut a very long story short he pretty much stopped eating and lived off guiness, got more depressed and stopped doing everything, he also couldn’t sleep unless he passed out from booze. He was never violent except to himself, he stayed kind to everyone regardless of how he got treated – including someone handcuffing him to a radiator in the student union, when it came on it started to burn him – luckily he’s a bit on the clever side and managed to pick the lock!!
I don’t know how to describe us but from the first day we met we’ve always looked for each other, if we’d met when we were 8 we’d still have been best friends. He often spent the night in my room but just because I was worried or he wanted to chat – we were only best friends. Then one day he was gone, no address nothing, just a message from someone he knew to tell me he left because he was getting in my way. When I’d last seen him he was emaciated, had no plans to stop drinking, was frequently sick (as in vomiting) and believed he was worthless. I didn’t think he would live, I grew up in a boarding house for single men (my parents ran it) and when I was a kid I used to think alcoholics were like elephants because they always went away to die (please don’t hate me for saying that, it was how I saw it then not now). Anyway I had no expectation of seeing him again. I missed him utterly but there didn’t seem much point wishing it different. I got on with life but between 22 and 32 I only went out with one bloke, briefly. I never liked any other man as much.
10 Years later I get an email. ‘Are you the … who went to ….?’ There are no words to describe what happened to me when I saw the name at the bottom – then I cried, and wrote back!! Things had changed beyond anything I could have wished for!! Not only was he alive and well but he hadn’t had a drink for months, for years it had still been bad but enough under control for him to work and get himself a VERY good job. He had a flat and a car, he had a LIFE!!!! OK this time we didn’t just stay friends – we got married!! He gave up the job and the flat to come to me because I couldn’t get to him. He’s got another goodish job now. When we got back together he said he was going to try and drink a little but be really careful. He’s never been drunk but it has crept up and he wasn’t really keeping the control HE wanted over it. That’s why on Saturday we decided to stop completely (I always said I would if he did).
Some other stuff it might matter to know is that he’s got very little memory for around 3 years when it was really bad. He also gets severe anxiety, he has done all his life and alcohol was something that took that away (then returned it with interest!!). He also has quite a lot of depression but mostly he used to dealing with it unless it’s really giving him a hard time. He’s a bloody strong character and he rarely if ever complains or moans, he does everything regardless of how he’s feeling . An example would be that after 5 years unable to drive because of his drinking, he was getting panic attacks trying to get back behind the wheel – so he took a service engineers job where he would have to drive 30K miles a year – AND DID IT!! Sort of kill or cure. He’ s the toughest fighter I know, he’s never had any treatment apart from one course of anti depressants – which he said sent him nutty so he stopped them. He’s dealt with all of this alone and dug himself out of the mother of all holes!! Whatever happens I know he’ll fight.
Anyway – I suppose I just want to know how best to support him. He’s pretty stubborn and won’t consider using counselling or anything. I think it was pretty bad when he was given anti depressants and it really scared him off – he hadn’t told them about the anxiety so they might have given him completely the wrong ones. He has stopped now but I don’t expect there to be no hiccups and I want to get it right as much as I can.
HUGE THANKS to anyone who got to the bottom of this small novel!!
Please be patient with me, I’m really nervous about posting here. I’m scared I’ll stick my foot in it or you’ll all think I’m really stupid.
My husband was/is an alcoholic. We decided to stop drinking on Saturday and he seems more committed as every day’s gone by. It’s a bit complicated because he wasn’t drinking really badly before, but it was still too much and because of the past it was definitely scaring me and I think he was worried too. Nine years ago (we met at uni) it destroyed his degree, and just about everything else, we were just friends then but I loved him to pieces as a person.
I was only 22 and got everything wrong, all I ever did was beg him to stop and get mad at him. To cut a very long story short he pretty much stopped eating and lived off guiness, got more depressed and stopped doing everything, he also couldn’t sleep unless he passed out from booze. He was never violent except to himself, he stayed kind to everyone regardless of how he got treated – including someone handcuffing him to a radiator in the student union, when it came on it started to burn him – luckily he’s a bit on the clever side and managed to pick the lock!!
I don’t know how to describe us but from the first day we met we’ve always looked for each other, if we’d met when we were 8 we’d still have been best friends. He often spent the night in my room but just because I was worried or he wanted to chat – we were only best friends. Then one day he was gone, no address nothing, just a message from someone he knew to tell me he left because he was getting in my way. When I’d last seen him he was emaciated, had no plans to stop drinking, was frequently sick (as in vomiting) and believed he was worthless. I didn’t think he would live, I grew up in a boarding house for single men (my parents ran it) and when I was a kid I used to think alcoholics were like elephants because they always went away to die (please don’t hate me for saying that, it was how I saw it then not now). Anyway I had no expectation of seeing him again. I missed him utterly but there didn’t seem much point wishing it different. I got on with life but between 22 and 32 I only went out with one bloke, briefly. I never liked any other man as much.
10 Years later I get an email. ‘Are you the … who went to ….?’ There are no words to describe what happened to me when I saw the name at the bottom – then I cried, and wrote back!! Things had changed beyond anything I could have wished for!! Not only was he alive and well but he hadn’t had a drink for months, for years it had still been bad but enough under control for him to work and get himself a VERY good job. He had a flat and a car, he had a LIFE!!!! OK this time we didn’t just stay friends – we got married!! He gave up the job and the flat to come to me because I couldn’t get to him. He’s got another goodish job now. When we got back together he said he was going to try and drink a little but be really careful. He’s never been drunk but it has crept up and he wasn’t really keeping the control HE wanted over it. That’s why on Saturday we decided to stop completely (I always said I would if he did).
Some other stuff it might matter to know is that he’s got very little memory for around 3 years when it was really bad. He also gets severe anxiety, he has done all his life and alcohol was something that took that away (then returned it with interest!!). He also has quite a lot of depression but mostly he used to dealing with it unless it’s really giving him a hard time. He’s a bloody strong character and he rarely if ever complains or moans, he does everything regardless of how he’s feeling . An example would be that after 5 years unable to drive because of his drinking, he was getting panic attacks trying to get back behind the wheel – so he took a service engineers job where he would have to drive 30K miles a year – AND DID IT!! Sort of kill or cure. He’ s the toughest fighter I know, he’s never had any treatment apart from one course of anti depressants – which he said sent him nutty so he stopped them. He’s dealt with all of this alone and dug himself out of the mother of all holes!! Whatever happens I know he’ll fight.
Anyway – I suppose I just want to know how best to support him. He’s pretty stubborn and won’t consider using counselling or anything. I think it was pretty bad when he was given anti depressants and it really scared him off – he hadn’t told them about the anxiety so they might have given him completely the wrong ones. He has stopped now but I don’t expect there to be no hiccups and I want to get it right as much as I can.
HUGE THANKS to anyone who got to the bottom of this small novel!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Welcome Equus, 
Glad you found this site. There's a lot of wonderful people here who will give you the love and support you need.
At this point, it might be time for you to look for alanon meetings for yourself. Sometimes, when the partner sees the other is doing something good and healthy for themselves, they too are influenced to seek help.
Short and sweet, you've got to take care of yourself first. He's been able to quit several times and who knows, maybe one day he will quit for good. But in the meantime, take care of you. Get the education you need regarding the A and alcoholism. There's so much to learn and it doesn't only apply to a person living with alcoholism. It's life lessons.
You'll also find other people who share your thoughts and feelings. They've been through it and know the best way to approach a problem. So, find some alanon meetings.
As to supporting him, there is really nothing you can do until he makes the decision he wants sobriety. Try to get him back to the doctor about the depression and anxiety. They're 2 different things. Maybe the meds he had the first time couldn't take care of both problems. I had to try 7 types of meds before I found one that worked for me. Don't nag or pressure him. Suggest it. Show your love and concern about his health and wellbeing. Compassion works well too. I know my A will get concerned when I bring up ideas about his health, etc. and will go to the doctors. Showing love and concern works better then nagging, bitching and begging.
Good luck and stand strong, Kathy
Glad you found this site. There's a lot of wonderful people here who will give you the love and support you need.
At this point, it might be time for you to look for alanon meetings for yourself. Sometimes, when the partner sees the other is doing something good and healthy for themselves, they too are influenced to seek help.
Short and sweet, you've got to take care of yourself first. He's been able to quit several times and who knows, maybe one day he will quit for good. But in the meantime, take care of you. Get the education you need regarding the A and alcoholism. There's so much to learn and it doesn't only apply to a person living with alcoholism. It's life lessons.
You'll also find other people who share your thoughts and feelings. They've been through it and know the best way to approach a problem. So, find some alanon meetings.
As to supporting him, there is really nothing you can do until he makes the decision he wants sobriety. Try to get him back to the doctor about the depression and anxiety. They're 2 different things. Maybe the meds he had the first time couldn't take care of both problems. I had to try 7 types of meds before I found one that worked for me. Don't nag or pressure him. Suggest it. Show your love and concern about his health and wellbeing. Compassion works well too. I know my A will get concerned when I bring up ideas about his health, etc. and will go to the doctors. Showing love and concern works better then nagging, bitching and begging.
Good luck and stand strong, Kathy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Hi Kathy
thanks for the response. At the moment I haven't got much of a leg to stand on to push things - he has stopped and he didn't wait until it was wrecking his life to do it. I'm very lucky, I wouldn't swap him for the world, words are one thing but over the last ten years he really has brought his own life back together from absolute chaos and I feel like I have to respect that.
All of that said - I'm not daft enough to think this is easy for him or that 'it's all done and dusted' now. At the moment I'm just trying very hard to let him call the shots, ie, letting him chose when we talk about it or tell friends. Last night I had to answer an email from his mum and I asked him if he wanted any news passing on - he said nothing about stopping drinking. In a way I'm quite glad he didn't because it'll stir things up so much for his mum that I think it's better to wait till a little more time has gone by. She watched him deteriorate over the years we lost touch and knowing he's stopped will scare her that it got very bad (which it didn't - he was drinking 3/4 pints a night at the most), and in a way make her hope too much - if that makes sense?
He's very caring and has never been abusive, he doesn't always think to do stuff but will always help if I ask. It would just hurt him that I didn't trust him it's over if I went to Alanon, or even if he knew I'd written this. I know he's trying but I need to learn as much as I can to help well not - in a way that really does help.
If he starts again I think it will be different, and I will start to get help myself but right now ideally I'd like to give him the best chance of staying stopped.
With the anxiety and depression, I just go gently with it - I was the first person he told about panic attacks and he's opening up more and more. I think if I push him to get help he'll just back off - he has a habit anyway of saying he's fine when he's not. He's acheived an amazing amount and I wish he could be proud of how far he's got, I wish he really knew how bloody rare it is for someone to manage so much alone. I wish he wasn't so ashamed largely because I'm so proud of him.
thanks for the response. At the moment I haven't got much of a leg to stand on to push things - he has stopped and he didn't wait until it was wrecking his life to do it. I'm very lucky, I wouldn't swap him for the world, words are one thing but over the last ten years he really has brought his own life back together from absolute chaos and I feel like I have to respect that.
All of that said - I'm not daft enough to think this is easy for him or that 'it's all done and dusted' now. At the moment I'm just trying very hard to let him call the shots, ie, letting him chose when we talk about it or tell friends. Last night I had to answer an email from his mum and I asked him if he wanted any news passing on - he said nothing about stopping drinking. In a way I'm quite glad he didn't because it'll stir things up so much for his mum that I think it's better to wait till a little more time has gone by. She watched him deteriorate over the years we lost touch and knowing he's stopped will scare her that it got very bad (which it didn't - he was drinking 3/4 pints a night at the most), and in a way make her hope too much - if that makes sense?
He's very caring and has never been abusive, he doesn't always think to do stuff but will always help if I ask. It would just hurt him that I didn't trust him it's over if I went to Alanon, or even if he knew I'd written this. I know he's trying but I need to learn as much as I can to help well not - in a way that really does help.
If he starts again I think it will be different, and I will start to get help myself but right now ideally I'd like to give him the best chance of staying stopped.
With the anxiety and depression, I just go gently with it - I was the first person he told about panic attacks and he's opening up more and more. I think if I push him to get help he'll just back off - he has a habit anyway of saying he's fine when he's not. He's acheived an amazing amount and I wish he could be proud of how far he's got, I wish he really knew how bloody rare it is for someone to manage so much alone. I wish he wasn't so ashamed largely because I'm so proud of him.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Equus
You sound like a very kind and gentle person. Your husband is very lucky to have you in his life.
He needs to find his own way to deal with any problems that come up from now on. As long as he feels comfortable in asking you for support when appropriate, then that releases you to make sure that you are looking after yourself.
If I were in your position, I would learn as much as you can about alcoholism and particularly how it impacts on families. If you are not comfortable going to meetings yet, at least keep reading on this site.
The difficulty we have, as partners and parents of alcoholics, is that we tend to get sucked into all of their problems and neglect ourselves. For the most part, we are dealing with adults, yet still treat them as children (admittedly because they act like children a lot of the time!!). Alcoholics tend to have a real problem with low self-esteem and if we keep picking up the pieces and seek out the answers to their problems, they don't have the opportunity to feel good about doing these things for themselves.
Good luck and keep coming back here. You'll find lots of support for YOU. Let him reach out for support if and when he needs it.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
You sound like a very kind and gentle person. Your husband is very lucky to have you in his life.
He needs to find his own way to deal with any problems that come up from now on. As long as he feels comfortable in asking you for support when appropriate, then that releases you to make sure that you are looking after yourself.
If I were in your position, I would learn as much as you can about alcoholism and particularly how it impacts on families. If you are not comfortable going to meetings yet, at least keep reading on this site.
The difficulty we have, as partners and parents of alcoholics, is that we tend to get sucked into all of their problems and neglect ourselves. For the most part, we are dealing with adults, yet still treat them as children (admittedly because they act like children a lot of the time!!). Alcoholics tend to have a real problem with low self-esteem and if we keep picking up the pieces and seek out the answers to their problems, they don't have the opportunity to feel good about doing these things for themselves.
Good luck and keep coming back here. You'll find lots of support for YOU. Let him reach out for support if and when he needs it.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Equus...
A warm welcome to Sober Recovery....
One of the characteristics of codependancy is totally focusing on the other person to the detriment of our own welfare.
Being a passive participant in someone's addiction can work for years... if the person can take it... and if things don't eventually fall apart under their own dysfunctional weight.
I am surmising that this is your first tentative foray into the world of recovery... and it can be very intimidating for sure.
If you are looking for some quick easy answers... there's lots of sticky posts with a wealth of information at the top of this forum and the alcoholic and alanon forums.
Jon has also posted a very informative thread at the bottom of this forum about how addiction works.
Blessings on your journey ....
A warm welcome to Sober Recovery....
it's over if I went to Alanon, or even if he knew I'd written this.
Being a passive participant in someone's addiction can work for years... if the person can take it... and if things don't eventually fall apart under their own dysfunctional weight.
I am surmising that this is your first tentative foray into the world of recovery... and it can be very intimidating for sure.
If you are looking for some quick easy answers... there's lots of sticky posts with a wealth of information at the top of this forum and the alcoholic and alanon forums.
Jon has also posted a very informative thread at the bottom of this forum about how addiction works.
Blessings on your journey ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
BIG thanks to both of you for replying - actually just being able to chat about this is amazing!! He lost most of his friends when he got sick and is really popular with the friends I have - he's made his own friendships with them and I wouldn't dream af talking about this to them. Which leaves me a little stuck for someone to chat to about this.
I think I needed to stick a comma in what I wrote before - he's never said I can't go for help - he wouldn't do that, I meant that he would be hurt that I don't think the problem is all over now. The quote above looks like he was saying he would leave - EEEEK!! He's never done that.
I do spend too much time thinking about this and him. I think it's more than just because of addiction to alcohol. His drinking wiped so much out took 3 years of his life (where he has about 3 weeks worth of memory) but it also made him very ill. There's so much stigma around I can't just walk into work and explain that I worry, and I do worry. I think he was born with the anxiety - he doesn't remember a time when it wasn't there, I think the depression came after years of being bullied by his teachers at school. He has a super high IQ so the head of his junior school used to walk into his classes and ask him really complicated questions in front of the class - he thought he was supposed to try and get them right but when he did the teacher called him Joe 90 or 'the little genius'. That went on regularly from the time he was 7 till he was 11, the teacher didn't even stop when D couldn't get the words out any more - he said he just couldn't speak at school and had to teach himself to do it again (in front of the same teacher).
By the time he was 18 and discovered alcohol made him confident - he thought he'd found the holy bloody grail!! He also had food intolerences that often made him sick and rarely wanted to eat - not the best combination!!
I love him and he's my best friend, I know this is so hard for him - it must be only natural to put him first while he goes through the tough bits? I think I'd split in two trying to do anything else.
ARGHH!! Sorry - I'm rambling on like a nutter. I will try to look after myself though.
I think I needed to stick a comma in what I wrote before - he's never said I can't go for help - he wouldn't do that, I meant that he would be hurt that I don't think the problem is all over now. The quote above looks like he was saying he would leave - EEEEK!! He's never done that.
I do spend too much time thinking about this and him. I think it's more than just because of addiction to alcohol. His drinking wiped so much out took 3 years of his life (where he has about 3 weeks worth of memory) but it also made him very ill. There's so much stigma around I can't just walk into work and explain that I worry, and I do worry. I think he was born with the anxiety - he doesn't remember a time when it wasn't there, I think the depression came after years of being bullied by his teachers at school. He has a super high IQ so the head of his junior school used to walk into his classes and ask him really complicated questions in front of the class - he thought he was supposed to try and get them right but when he did the teacher called him Joe 90 or 'the little genius'. That went on regularly from the time he was 7 till he was 11, the teacher didn't even stop when D couldn't get the words out any more - he said he just couldn't speak at school and had to teach himself to do it again (in front of the same teacher).
By the time he was 18 and discovered alcohol made him confident - he thought he'd found the holy bloody grail!! He also had food intolerences that often made him sick and rarely wanted to eat - not the best combination!!
I love him and he's my best friend, I know this is so hard for him - it must be only natural to put him first while he goes through the tough bits? I think I'd split in two trying to do anything else.
ARGHH!! Sorry - I'm rambling on like a nutter. I will try to look after myself though.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
welcome equus - you sound so compassionate! i can't offer much advice as i am new to the recovery arena, but i can offer support and hugs. do take care of yourself - that is one of the most important things i have learned thru this board and al-anon.
i wish you and your husband much luck with both of your recoveries!
cwohio
i wish you and your husband much luck with both of your recoveries!
cwohio
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Eq,
This guy sounds like a marvelous person. What things he's been through and overcome. For him to tell you only of his anxiety is pretty significant.
I hope and pray that he continues on the path to better health and recovery. Take care of yourself too.
Kathy
This guy sounds like a marvelous person. What things he's been through and overcome. For him to tell you only of his anxiety is pretty significant.
I hope and pray that he continues on the path to better health and recovery. Take care of yourself too.
Kathy
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