OT4Kids

Got bad news at the doctors this week.... just that my illnesses are getting worse as expected....no treatment, and no cure, just trying to lessen symptoms.

Also, on top of normal work stress, there was a problem with my work scheduling that my boss initially thought was my fault and then figured it out, but I was supposed to be off today and yesterday but had to work partial days which was annoying

Busy shuttling kids to and from drivers ed and between my ex-husbands house and mine and trying to get stuff done around the house and with work

Still falling into same patterns with alcoholic ex-fiancee and he continues to spiral out of control and likely has been using drugs

Tonight my kids left for my ex husband's for the weekend. I usually get to see them at their sports but they are not playing this summer .

Crying and depressed. Just asking for prayers.

LexieCat

I'm really sorry to hear about the health stuff--I got bad news this week, too--exactly how bad remains to be seen, but kinda scary stuff.

I hope you will reach out for whatever support you need to get through all this. I happen to think we are a pretty awesome group, but I think you need more help than we are able to give you. Are you still seeing your therapist? Have you told the therapist EVERYTHING that's been going on? I hope so, because it's pretty much impossible for a therapist to help you unless you are completely honest.

PhoenixJ

Support and prayers to you.

FeelingGreat

OT, all the best. You are under terrific strain, and I hope you are getting the help you need.
Keep your mind on the children and what they need from you as well.

Bekindalways

Prayers and all the support possible through this electronic source!!

Hope you can get to a yoga class, call a friend, . . . .any tiny thing you can do will help.

Stay close to us and reach out for more support in your locality!

amy55

Ot,
------------------------------------------------------------
Still falling into same patterns with alcoholic ex-fiancee and he continues to spiral out of control and likely has been using drugs
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I don't think this is what you really want to do.

I did that for way too long. I really do mean for way too long. I was diagnosed with situational depression and c-PTSD. I'm finally good now, but it took me a long time to get better.

I could tell you all about my life, but that's just it, that was my life. What is it that you think that you need to help yourself?

That might be a really hard question for you, because quite frankly, I didn't know who I was anymore, or what I wanted. I can now think about things a lot more clearer now.

Just know that there are a lot of people here that really care for you.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

OT4Kids

I have seen psychiatrist recently for meds but not therapist for a couple of weeks because of busy schedule with work and my kids.

I am going to yoga weekly and spending time with family and reaching out to friends.

Nothing seems to help me let go of him.

PuzzledHeart

Have you considered something like online therapy if scheduling is an issue? There are even therapy apps now. It's NOT meant to replace one-on-one, and insurance may not cover it, but you have more of a chance of scheduling something when you know you're at your most vulnerable.

SparkleKitty

OT, it's possible you need more help than your family and friends can give you. And yoga is great for the body and soul and but it isn't going to replace working out your issues around your fiance.

Making time for therapy has made an enormous difference in my life. No matter how stressful my week is, therapy gives me back the peace and presence of mind to make it through whatever challenges I have to face.

TropicalWinter

The single most important thing I do for myself every week is plop myself down on my therapist's couch.

For me, that hour with my therapist is ESSENTIAL. I would move heaven and earth to be there.

Are you avoiding therapy because you are afraid of digging deep?

OT4Kids

I do need to get back to therapy. I haven't been going because all my energy has been focused on work and my kids. I work for the school system in two positions, one 10 months and one that is year round. So tons of deadlines the last few weeks. My illnesses are severe and cause terrible fatigue and pain. It is hard to just take care of my kids and to get thru a full day of work. Going to the doctors (I see many different specialists) and to therapy is really hard to get myself to do on top of taking care of my kids and working.

I share freely at therapy but at the end of the 50 minutes I feel like I just got started. I could talk all day. It is frustrating. I don't feel like it helps me let go of ex-fiancee or helps me figure out why I feel like I need him or why I allow myself to be treated like this.

I feel badly that some people on this board are upset and frustrated with me and my behavior. I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over. I don't want to feel like this. I can't explain why I keep taking him back. I don't want to feel like this.

I know something is wrong with me

For those that are worried about my kids, I am a really good mom.

When I am at work I hold it all together. I go even though I am sick and in pain because I don't have a choice. I am good at what I do, just bad at keeping up with paperwork. I don't look sick. Damage from the diseases is internal. My doctors dont want to do disability paperwork for me. I am looking into ADA accommodations but that is one more thing to deal with. I see a specialist at Johns Hopkins but there are currently no clinical trials that I am eligible for. They are studying my progression only.

What have I been doing right? Well I am overweight and have been able to lose 21 pounds and also lower my blood pressure and blood sugar. I have also been going to yoga every week.

I have been spending time with family every weekend.

I have been taking care of my kids every weekday even though I have 50/50 custody with ex husband. (They sleep at his place on his nights but I have them until evening)

I reached out to a friend this morning and we went for an hour long nature walk with her dog. I was nice.

I want to do more things with friends but am either busy or tired. I wish I had friends who would come sleep at my house wh4n my kids are gone.

Ariesagain

I guess the question is whether you want support in addressing the core problem...your addiction to an abusive and toxic relationship?

All the tangential things that you're doing...losing weight, yoga, seeing friends, are great. They help, certainly. But it's exactly like an alcoholic who continues to drink but works out all the time or has an active social life, etc.

Without action...AlAnon, therapy with a take-no-prisoners therapist who understands addiction...all our words are meaningless.

We'll support you to the moon and back for action. But at some point, continuing to post warm fuzzy things while you relapse repeatedly becomes enabling, yes?

"Actions not words" cuts both ways...with codependents as well as addicts.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Ariesagain

One more thing...abuse and addiction are two different things. Most alcoholics don't abuse anyone but themselves.

FallenAngelina

If you talk for 50 minutes and feel every time as though you have gotten nowhere and have no take away that empowers your week, then you clearly are not with the right therapist for you. As with TropicalWinter, I also look forward to my precious weekly 50 minutes with my therapist and everything revolves around my getting to that appointment. I leave each appointment with lots of new insight and new ground in understanding myself and my values. I leave feeling relieved and energized, even when a session has been emotionally taxing. Not every therapist will be able to guide you toward improved mental health but the right therapist will be a game changer and you will feel this when you meet the right one. As in love relationships, don't stick with a therapist just because you've been going to that one. Don't fall into the emotional sunk cost fallacy. If your therapist is not helping you make consistent, positive strides in understanding your relationship, you are with the wrong therapist. The right therapist does not let you go on and on for 50 minutes getting nowhere.

I'll add that in order for therapy to be effective, the client has to be willing to dig deep - very deep. The best therapist in the world can't illuminate someone who is not ready and willing to change. Just like alcoholics, we who love them have to make the choice to change ourselves and just as with alcoholics, there is no such thing as rock bottom. There's just a point at which things become so painful for us that trading the pain for the fear of doing something new becomes worth the risk.

Seren

Hello OT, I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and how tired you have been feeling lately. It is hard to think clearly when exhaustion is all you have. I understand that. I have low vitamin-D (look that one up!), hypothyroidism, anemia, and I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I get the constant doctors office visits and the overwhelming fatigue with just enough energy to put one foot in front of the other. Having to maintain at work, and then having barely enough energy to make dinner, do laundry, pay bills and so on once you are home. I do understand that completely.

I am sure that all the anxiety and worry that you put yourself through is not doing anything at all to improve your health.

I am also sorry that people are venting their frustration with you here. You will get it when you get it, and not a moment before. I think other members are looking on at the narrative you provide of your life and cannot believe how self-destructive you are as you chase your drug of choice--your fiance. It is the same way that many of us look on in disbelief at how self-destructive the addict or alcoholic can be in active addiction and shake our heads because it makes no sense to us.

Right now, sadly, you are in active addiction. There isn't anything any one of us can do to change your behavior. Only you can do that. All we can do is offer our stories of what worked for us, where we have been.

Then, hopefully, something will click with you some day. I know you have it in you to change your life. Until then, as always, you will be in my prayers.

dandylion

OT...I have sent you a PM......

FeelingGreat

You do sound like a Mum who tries to do the right thing and loves her children, but please understand that when you take him back he is entering their space too, and the turmoil he causes with you, their mother, and with them is harmful. You're the gatekeeper for their lives.

They have to interact with him. They see you frantic and unable to cope.

Maybe you think you're hiding it, but kids see everything and it makes them anxious and afraid for you.

Maybe this knowledge can strengthen your resolve about letting him over the doorstep.

amy55

Hi Ot,

I don't have any idea of what I'm going to say. First I want to tell you that I don't respond to your thread that much because "I was you". My circumstances were different, I had a 25 year marriage, 3 kids, a dog and a cat. You have your own house, 2 jobs, and a serious illness. I know I talked about my cancer, but I am a survivor, and the treatments lasted one year.

So after saying all of that, one of the reasons I don't respond too much is because I might be an enabler. I read the responses to you, and I wish that I didn't cut myself off of my support system (which was for domestic abuse) because I wasn't ready to hear what they are saying. I probably stayed an extra 3 years because I was willing or ready to hear things that I didn't want to hear. I do think that you should be listening to all of this, but also knowing that everything been said is from our hearts, not to hurt you, but to help you.

There might be people here that might be getting frustrated, that happened to me, and I began to isolate myself. You aren't doing that. You have that "fire" still inside of you. You are a fighter. You have tenacity.

I remember going to therapist. I lied to all of them. I wanted them to think that they were doing a good job, and that I was getting better. I was also able to talk through a session for 50 minutes, and not get anything done. Quite frankly, I was embarrassed about my situation, and I didn't want anyone to know how poorly I was doing emotionally. So, I held it all together, just like I did when I went to work, when I was with the kids, when I was with the family. I only broke down privately.

I also remember the first time that I talked to my lawyer that I hired for the divorce. I spoke about everything, but I spoke about it sort of in a third person kind of thing. I used the "I" words, but it was like I was in a fog, and that the person I was talking about wasn't really "me". In a way, I can see you doing this also. I had a woman attorney. So, I got through the whole thing about why I want a divorce, talked about egregious behavior (abuse), and I was calm the entire time, didn't even notice that my attorney had tears in her eyes, while she was listening to me. OK, so consultation was over, she went to make some copies, and I just broke down crying.

I'm only telling you this because in a way, I think when you post here, we get really worried for you, but I also think that you get monotone, like I did, when I talked to my attorney. I needed people to think that I was strong and tough, and that I could handle things. Just like I did with the therapist. I didn't want people to think that I was "lacking". I had all these people that I could talk to, but I always had to put on a brave face. Don't let my feelings really show.

I think sometimes the way I acted was very contradictory. I could voice my feelings: sadness, emptiness, depression, but I covered it all up with my actions.

I told you in the beginning of this, that this might be all over the place. I'm going back to when I was in your situation.

Just know that you are not alone, and there are many who have been in your situation, and also perhaps, many people who are reading here, but too afraid to post.

Did you make that Pro's - Cons list? Did you go back to that pro's list and cross every single thing off that list yet, because, well, he is just not there for you?

Ya know, when I brought up your children the other time, I wasn't saying you were a bad mom. I was asking how your children might be reacting to this situation, and might just decided that perhaps they might want to live with their Dad instead. I know your children don't like him.

I know that what I thought was normal teenagers, well it wasn't what I thought it was. My kids had a fixed basement, and they had their computers down there. The only time I saw them was for dinner, but in the beginning of me going "crazy", I also saw them whenever their Dad wasn't home. It was actually their "hideout". When I started to get so "fixated" (trying to make sense out of nonsense, or trying to normalize things that weren't normal) they just stayed down the basement.

I would ask you to think about the times that he did leave and you would post here that you did this and that, and that you were doing good, was that "not true"? Like I said, I did the same thing. I would also want you to look at some of the things that you did during that period of time that you felt happy about or proud of. Those are the things that I would ask if you can please continue those.

If he is there now, can you please watch more closely and objectively how he speaks, what he says, his body language? Concentrate on those things, instead of trying to figure out, what can make things better. I've btdt, nothing you can do or say will make anything better. It will only give him more reasons to attack you.

Final thing, have an open mind to everything that people are saying here. Sometimes, you may not want to hear it, but sometimes it can save your life.

You are a beautiful person, and you deserve so much happiness in your life. You just need to go for it.

PS - Sorry, did not proof read, don't really want to read about my life again. (lol)

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

Bekindalways

Heya OT, congrats for every tiny positive thing you do for yourself. I expect it doesn't feel like it makes a difference and maybe it doesn't. The thing that will make the most difference is time of no contact. Unfortunately for me it took a long, long time.

Keep coming back and doing everything you can to help yourself. There is no quick fix and it does just hurt for one hell of a long time.

HikerLady

OT, you're in charge here. Either remain a victim every time you accept him back or become the survivor and move forward with your life. You either change what you CAN change or nothing changes. You've gotten some awesome advise on your threads, please continue to re-read them during those lonely times you find yourself in.