Need support still
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((((hugs)))) It's hard, OT. It's really hard to break free of the conditioning and (illogical and often unhealthy) coping skills we've created when dealing with an abusive significant other, but I believe you can do it. So here are some truths you can hold onto:
Level of intelligence has absolutely no correlation to being in a relationship with an abusive partner. Just because you're in a relationship with him, or just because it's hard to make the break does not mean you're stupid.
Whatever negative self-talk is filling your head is wrong:
You're NOT stupid. See my note above.
You're NOT weak. It takes immeasurable strength to create ways to cope with abuse. It takes a Herculean effort to cope with such overwhelming hopelessness and pain. every.single.minute.of.every.single.day.
You're NOT a bad person. You're dealing with very some very difficult situations: illness, an abusive ex, depression, suicidal thoughts. None of those things makes you a horrible person. Even if depression was the ONLY thing you were fighting, keeping on with work and parenting through it, is pretty phenomenal. So, OT,
People WILL miss you. Your family, friends and children will miss you. I know I had convinced myself that DS would eventually forget or at least get used to me being gone, but it's not true.
You ARE worthwhile. You may not believe me right now, but you're amazing. What you've been through takes courage, strength and resilience. You're a great mom. You're a dedicated employee.
Level of intelligence has absolutely no correlation to being in a relationship with an abusive partner. Just because you're in a relationship with him, or just because it's hard to make the break does not mean you're stupid.
Whatever negative self-talk is filling your head is wrong:
You're NOT stupid. See my note above.
You're NOT weak. It takes immeasurable strength to create ways to cope with abuse. It takes a Herculean effort to cope with such overwhelming hopelessness and pain. every.single.minute.of.every.single.day.
You're NOT a bad person. You're dealing with very some very difficult situations: illness, an abusive ex, depression, suicidal thoughts. None of those things makes you a horrible person. Even if depression was the ONLY thing you were fighting, keeping on with work and parenting through it, is pretty phenomenal. So, OT,
People WILL miss you. Your family, friends and children will miss you. I know I had convinced myself that DS would eventually forget or at least get used to me being gone, but it's not true.
You ARE worthwhile. You may not believe me right now, but you're amazing. What you've been through takes courage, strength and resilience. You're a great mom. You're a dedicated employee.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Posts: 379
Thank you theuncertainty. I am barely hanging on. He is torturing me psychologically. And I know I am letting him. He drove from DC to NYC then came back and said he couldn't be without me. Then was here for a day or two. Then today left for an errand and never came back. I scrambled around trying to clean up as he hates a mess, fixed him food, and tried to make sense of the bills he was supposed to be taking care of but didn't. I am bruised and tormented and exhausted and I have to work tomorrow.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi OT,
Big hugs to you.
One of the things that helped me get out of an unhealthy relationship was to take a step back and ask myself how I would feel if someone I cared about was in my situation.
In other words, if your sister, daughter, mother, best friend, etc. was in your situation what would you say to her? What would you think of her partner?
Big hugs to you.
One of the things that helped me get out of an unhealthy relationship was to take a step back and ask myself how I would feel if someone I cared about was in my situation.
In other words, if your sister, daughter, mother, best friend, etc. was in your situation what would you say to her? What would you think of her partner?
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Here's what I know, OT: you're not "letting" him. I know I beat myself up a. lot. with that thought. I stayed, I took him back or I went back to him, so it's my fault. And that's really what "letting him" means - accepting the blame and guilt for being in a relationship with an abuser, and generally we tend to accept the lion's share of both of those two emotions. But it wasn't my fault and it's not your fault.
It takes a while for the abuser to condition their partner to accept behavior. And. It. Never. Stops. Even the "good" days are part of that. And usually, it's done in little, almost negligible increments. Small things that are hard to object to. Small steps, sometimes when we're not even looking. It's only in stopping and looking back that we see how we're now standing in Eastport, ME, when we started out in Adak, AK, and we had no flipping idea that those little tiny steps would move us that far.
But we often expect ourselves to break that conditioning in one fell swoop. (Immediately. Now. Right Now. I should be past this Now.) I see it now. I know better, so I should be able to [leave... stand up for myself... ignore him...]. But that is so unrealistic. It takes time. And leaving - or staying gone, is not always the safest thing to do and it's not always the first step.
We are stronger than we may believe we are, but that's absolutely no reason to take on blame and guilt for the treatment we're subjected to. You are not at fault, OT4Kids. You're not 'letting' him do anything.
Take gentle care and stay safe. ((((hugs))))
It takes a while for the abuser to condition their partner to accept behavior. And. It. Never. Stops. Even the "good" days are part of that. And usually, it's done in little, almost negligible increments. Small things that are hard to object to. Small steps, sometimes when we're not even looking. It's only in stopping and looking back that we see how we're now standing in Eastport, ME, when we started out in Adak, AK, and we had no flipping idea that those little tiny steps would move us that far.
But we often expect ourselves to break that conditioning in one fell swoop. (Immediately. Now. Right Now. I should be past this Now.) I see it now. I know better, so I should be able to [leave... stand up for myself... ignore him...]. But that is so unrealistic. It takes time. And leaving - or staying gone, is not always the safest thing to do and it's not always the first step.
We are stronger than we may believe we are, but that's absolutely no reason to take on blame and guilt for the treatment we're subjected to. You are not at fault, OT4Kids. You're not 'letting' him do anything.
Take gentle care and stay safe. ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
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since I last posted he came back and then disappeared again. I spent the evening at the local crisis center again. at least this time I didn't end up in the psych hospital though as I was arriving a woman was being taken by 2 policemen in handcuffs to their car to be taken to the hospital which gave me flashbacks.
This time they are giving me an actual referral to the abused persons program but they are closed on the weekend so I can't talk to them til Monday. I hope it helps me let go. I also found out today that a few days ago he got another $100 in parking tickets on my car that is registered in my name. And he has the car with him now. I have no idea where he or the car are.
I am beyond exhausted and can't focus to get any paperwork done for work.
I wish everyone a peaceful night.
This time they are giving me an actual referral to the abused persons program but they are closed on the weekend so I can't talk to them til Monday. I hope it helps me let go. I also found out today that a few days ago he got another $100 in parking tickets on my car that is registered in my name. And he has the car with him now. I have no idea where he or the car are.
I am beyond exhausted and can't focus to get any paperwork done for work.
I wish everyone a peaceful night.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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OT, In so many ways we are very similar, but our circumstances are different. I think you do know just as I did know that the situation had to end, but don't feel capable of ending it. I didn't think I could. What I needed to do was to hurt his pride so that he would leave me alone so that I could heal. I doubt if this is the best advice or even good advice. I guess that's why I tend not to post to often here. I don't want to give bad advice, but I don't want you to feel like you are the only one that ever went through this.
My circumstances were that I was married, we lived together, he kept running away from home, until I decided I was going to run away from home. He kept calling, wanting me to come back or he would divorce me, so I told him to divorce me, just divorce me, that I wasn't going back to the same old thing. It took him 6 months to file for a divorce. I knew once he spent that money, his pride would not let him back down. Did I manipulate him? Yes, I did. I knew if I had filed for the divorce, he wouldn't have left me alone.
It hurt, it hurt really bad. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was taking meds to help me sleep and for anxiety. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd. I just knew I couldn't go back, no matter how much it hurt. I knew I had to go through that emotional pain, in order for me to ever have any kind of a decent life.
I know this is your house and you can't just leave. Is there a way that you can make it very unpleasant for him? Like take back the car keys? take back the house keys?
Do you ever go back and read your past posts about him leaving you? He is going to do this again and again.
I would like to tell you to tell him to just gtfo, but don't know. The suggestions here and in the prior threads are really good. I was hoping you would follow them, but, I think in your own way that you are listening. I think that you have gained a lot of strength since you started posting here.
Just remember, you can do this, you can reclaim your life, and you can be happy again.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
My circumstances were that I was married, we lived together, he kept running away from home, until I decided I was going to run away from home. He kept calling, wanting me to come back or he would divorce me, so I told him to divorce me, just divorce me, that I wasn't going back to the same old thing. It took him 6 months to file for a divorce. I knew once he spent that money, his pride would not let him back down. Did I manipulate him? Yes, I did. I knew if I had filed for the divorce, he wouldn't have left me alone.
It hurt, it hurt really bad. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was taking meds to help me sleep and for anxiety. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd. I just knew I couldn't go back, no matter how much it hurt. I knew I had to go through that emotional pain, in order for me to ever have any kind of a decent life.
I know this is your house and you can't just leave. Is there a way that you can make it very unpleasant for him? Like take back the car keys? take back the house keys?
Do you ever go back and read your past posts about him leaving you? He is going to do this again and again.
I would like to tell you to tell him to just gtfo, but don't know. The suggestions here and in the prior threads are really good. I was hoping you would follow them, but, I think in your own way that you are listening. I think that you have gained a lot of strength since you started posting here.
Just remember, you can do this, you can reclaim your life, and you can be happy again.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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OT, I know it's late at night, but I was thinking of you. I was trying to think of more reasons for why I felt so connected to the person that was abusing me, and something that might help you to release yourself.
I have a very scientific and mathematical mind. Everything to me needed to make sense. My marriage didn't make sense to me. How could he one day, lavish me with gifts, take me wherever I wanted to go, then the next day, he would treat me like I was evil reincarnated? Why would I respond to him when he came back, like it was our first date, feeling those butterflies in my stomach?
I needed to make sense of all of this. What was I doing wrong? I tried everything.
I did realize afterwards that it was me, and me alone. I was trying to make sense out of non-sense. I could have spent my entire lifetime trying to make sense out of things. I was so into what is logical, that I wasn't even listening to what my mind or body was telling me. I just wanted to make sense out of things. I failed to listen to myself saying, "I don't even know if I even love him anymore", or "I don't even want to be around him anymore". I was so engrossed in what I was doing wrong, and what I could correct about myself, and if I did that, then things would make sense. I was so, so wrong. There was never anything that I could have done to make things better. I had to tell my scientific, mathematical mind that there was no solution. I felt like a failure because I couldn't solve things or fix things. Do you feel that way sometimes?
I still have a lot of questions about things now and then, because, quite simply, I don't know what normal is. I know my life is a lot better after joining this group of terrific people. I know that science and math can't really help with a dysfunctional relationship unless both parties are committed to it. I know that sometimes there is no fix, and no solution. I know one person can not make a relationship, when the other person is not willing. I learned how to say and how to believe "Let Go, Let God". The saying just simply means you can't control anyone, so just let go, and let things progress without your input. Like, whatever will be, will be.
Let us know how things are going with you in the morning.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I have a very scientific and mathematical mind. Everything to me needed to make sense. My marriage didn't make sense to me. How could he one day, lavish me with gifts, take me wherever I wanted to go, then the next day, he would treat me like I was evil reincarnated? Why would I respond to him when he came back, like it was our first date, feeling those butterflies in my stomach?
I needed to make sense of all of this. What was I doing wrong? I tried everything.
I did realize afterwards that it was me, and me alone. I was trying to make sense out of non-sense. I could have spent my entire lifetime trying to make sense out of things. I was so into what is logical, that I wasn't even listening to what my mind or body was telling me. I just wanted to make sense out of things. I failed to listen to myself saying, "I don't even know if I even love him anymore", or "I don't even want to be around him anymore". I was so engrossed in what I was doing wrong, and what I could correct about myself, and if I did that, then things would make sense. I was so, so wrong. There was never anything that I could have done to make things better. I had to tell my scientific, mathematical mind that there was no solution. I felt like a failure because I couldn't solve things or fix things. Do you feel that way sometimes?
I still have a lot of questions about things now and then, because, quite simply, I don't know what normal is. I know my life is a lot better after joining this group of terrific people. I know that science and math can't really help with a dysfunctional relationship unless both parties are committed to it. I know that sometimes there is no fix, and no solution. I know one person can not make a relationship, when the other person is not willing. I learned how to say and how to believe "Let Go, Let God". The saying just simply means you can't control anyone, so just let go, and let things progress without your input. Like, whatever will be, will be.
Let us know how things are going with you in the morning.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes Amy, I also try to make sense of my situation and try to figure out what I can do to fix things and make him better. I keep hoping that things will get better. And I know I am addicted to him. I do go back and read the advice on the threads. I rationally know it has to end but keep letting him come back. Part of me feels like I have given up so much for him that it has to work to make up for what I lost for this relationship. I have lost a massive amount of money. I also bought a house and have expenses that we were supposed to share. But if I am honest, I see that he continues to cause me to lose money. That I just need to cut my losses. I read the other day that if you have already dug yourself into a hole, that no amount of digging is going to get you out of it, it is just going to bury you deeper. Well, that makes sense to me.
I also know that he is completely messing with my mind when I am tired and weak. He comes back, says he is sorry, that he is getting help, that he loves me, that he is going to make things right. He holds me and cooks for me. Then goes to an interview or an errand, texts and says he loves me and will be home soon and then disappears again. So it totally messes me up. Puts me in a constant state of anxiety and I don't sleep well. I did recently put in a keypad lock on my front door that I can easily reprogram and I changed code so he can't get in.
Thank you all for your continued support.
I also know that he is completely messing with my mind when I am tired and weak. He comes back, says he is sorry, that he is getting help, that he loves me, that he is going to make things right. He holds me and cooks for me. Then goes to an interview or an errand, texts and says he loves me and will be home soon and then disappears again. So it totally messes me up. Puts me in a constant state of anxiety and I don't sleep well. I did recently put in a keypad lock on my front door that I can easily reprogram and I changed code so he can't get in.
Thank you all for your continued support.
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OT, I am really proud of you for taking the step of changing the keypad lock combination. That was a great, positive step to take while you had the resolve to do it. Continuing to nurture that resolve, while stepping back and nurturing your own well-being at those times when you are feeling more vulnerable will help you through this.
And thank you for updating. I was part of a push-pull relationship like that when I was separating and divorcing from my first husband and it can really leave you feeling upended, ashamed and overwhelmed, all of which make it harder to do the thing you know you need to do. It's hard to give up the fantasy of the knight sweeping in to take all of the pain away. Even harder to acknowledge and accept that the knight is also the one causing the pain in the first place.
Your eyes are open and that it is a good place to begin healing. Sending you strength, courage, and, I hope, a little room for you to forgive yourself.
And thank you for updating. I was part of a push-pull relationship like that when I was separating and divorcing from my first husband and it can really leave you feeling upended, ashamed and overwhelmed, all of which make it harder to do the thing you know you need to do. It's hard to give up the fantasy of the knight sweeping in to take all of the pain away. Even harder to acknowledge and accept that the knight is also the one causing the pain in the first place.
Your eyes are open and that it is a good place to begin healing. Sending you strength, courage, and, I hope, a little room for you to forgive yourself.
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Sending you a hug.
I find it very disturbing and sad that you are glossing over the reality that he isn't just costing you money and "messing with your mind"...he is physically assaulting you. He has punched you, slapped you and on multiple occasions.
And that's just what you've posted here.
Please embrace the help you need. Nothing he says negates the reality that you are being beaten up by this man. There is no excuse for that.
I find it very disturbing and sad that you are glossing over the reality that he isn't just costing you money and "messing with your mind"...he is physically assaulting you. He has punched you, slapped you and on multiple occasions.
And that's just what you've posted here.
Please embrace the help you need. Nothing he says negates the reality that you are being beaten up by this man. There is no excuse for that.
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OT, I hear you!! I also kept researching, trying to change me, trying everything that I could to change me so that I was more acceptable to him. Then one day I took a look at that. What I found out was that I was "me" when he met me, and that he fell in love with "me". Then when things were going bad, I kept changing "me" into someone that I didn't even know. I didn't like that person. I didn't know that person. While trying to change myself into someone he would love, (and that is not possible, because he would always find something else wrong with me, to blame me for) I morphed into someone that I didn't even like.
Does this make sense? It also took me a very long time to get "me" back. I'm still working on that one, but I am a lot happier now.
I see that you are taking steps to help yourself, that's a very positive step that you are taking. It may not feel good to you now, but you are starting to climb your way out of that ditch that you dug. The more positive steps that you take for yourself, the more you will begin to get back your self-esteem, and self-confidence. It will actually get a little easier with each step. Look at the top of that ditch and know that you will get out of there.
Yes, another vote for making that Monday phone call to the abused persons program.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Does this make sense? It also took me a very long time to get "me" back. I'm still working on that one, but I am a lot happier now.
I see that you are taking steps to help yourself, that's a very positive step that you are taking. It may not feel good to you now, but you are starting to climb your way out of that ditch that you dug. The more positive steps that you take for yourself, the more you will begin to get back your self-esteem, and self-confidence. It will actually get a little easier with each step. Look at the top of that ditch and know that you will get out of there.
Yes, another vote for making that Monday phone call to the abused persons program.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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OT.....I highly recommend this book..."The Saber Toothed Tiger"
I have read it several times and recommended to others.....I think it gets to the crux of the attraction...to the "draw"...of a person that we know is no good for us...but, still can't explain why we feel unable to be without them.....
Actually, it doesn't talk about the abuser...as that is covered quite well in some other good books on the subject....
It talks about what is inside of US.....
Very illuminating, I think......
I have read it several times and recommended to others.....I think it gets to the crux of the attraction...to the "draw"...of a person that we know is no good for us...but, still can't explain why we feel unable to be without them.....
Actually, it doesn't talk about the abuser...as that is covered quite well in some other good books on the subject....
It talks about what is inside of US.....
Very illuminating, I think......
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Sending hugs, OT. It kind of sounds like you, Amy and I have have a lot in common. I stayed much longer than I should have because I kept trying to figure out what was going wrong - to make it all make sense in a logical way. Since none of it was logical, I kept trying to change what I was doing
I also understand the money situation. AXH blew through money every month like it was nothing. "His" money was never deposited into "our" account - he'd pick up his paychecks at work and cash them. Then, when that was gone, he'd start in on "our" money. I actually had more money after I left him (not that I made more, it was just that none of it disappeared) because I finally had my paycheck deposited into an account that he wasn't named on and couldn't get to. OMG, I can't even begin to explain how good it felt to be able to set a budget even when it meant there wasn't much left after paying the necessities.
I'm glad you were able to take the step to change the key code and that you're reaching out for support IRL, OT. ((((hugs))))
I also understand the money situation. AXH blew through money every month like it was nothing. "His" money was never deposited into "our" account - he'd pick up his paychecks at work and cash them. Then, when that was gone, he'd start in on "our" money. I actually had more money after I left him (not that I made more, it was just that none of it disappeared) because I finally had my paycheck deposited into an account that he wasn't named on and couldn't get to. OMG, I can't even begin to explain how good it felt to be able to set a budget even when it meant there wasn't much left after paying the necessities.
I'm glad you were able to take the step to change the key code and that you're reaching out for support IRL, OT. ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Well, I have been away from SR for two months now. I can say that now I am seeing a therapist with the Abused Persons Program who seems to understand me better than most therapists that I have seen, though the cost is more than I would pay for a therapist thru my health insurance.
In some ways things are better than me than they were 2 months ago...in terms of making significant progress with catching up on paperwork at work.
Sadly, some things remain unchanged. Today is really rough.
I hope you are all doing well and ask you to please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you!
OT
In some ways things are better than me than they were 2 months ago...in terms of making significant progress with catching up on paperwork at work.
Sadly, some things remain unchanged. Today is really rough.
I hope you are all doing well and ask you to please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you!
OT
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Update
I am back again with an update. More bad health stuff with my lungs from aspirating when swallowing. I wish I had the courage and ability to listen to you all from day 1. I have had more pain and suffering from sticking with my ex-fiancee for the past 3 and a half years. I was never able to go with no contact. Long story short, now I have sunk more and more love, energy, time and money into him. He has had a few moments when I thought he would be ok, but otherwise has continued to spiral out of control. He has disappeared on me at least once a week since January, with the exception of one 2 week stretch and one 3 week stretch. Now he has been gone since Monday. Each time he goes to work and then calls or texts that he is leaving work soon and then just doesn't show up. He turns off his phone. Then eventually surfaces. I used to get upset and argue with him. Now when he comes back he just acts like every thing is normal. Well, this time he has been gone for 5 days so far...the longest time ever . He sent a
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He sent a fb message one day saying "I am lost." Then yesterday alluded that he was going to kill himself...still saying that he loves and misses me. He said he was coming home last night to say goodbye to me and never did. Of course I hardly slept.
So sadly the only way I have been able to let this relationship go is for him to make that decision for me. We live (d) together and he was paying cable and some bills and I don't even know how to access hid accounts. He has my car registered in my name that he has been making payments on but keeps racking up huge tickets by parking it illegally in DC which come up in my name. I am afraid to look and see how much they are now. I have no idea where he or the car are. So take this as a cautionary tale...dont do what I did. Save yourself and gather up the strength to end the relationship with an addict asap. For now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
So sadly the only way I have been able to let this relationship go is for him to make that decision for me. We live (d) together and he was paying cable and some bills and I don't even know how to access hid accounts. He has my car registered in my name that he has been making payments on but keeps racking up huge tickets by parking it illegally in DC which come up in my name. I am afraid to look and see how much they are now. I have no idea where he or the car are. So take this as a cautionary tale...dont do what I did. Save yourself and gather up the strength to end the relationship with an addict asap. For now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
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