Update - court may be coming
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Hi Sasha,
Wow...I would imagine your attorney has not had such a good, strong case in a while. The evidence that you need in order to be granted sole custody is seemingly rolling out of your ex at an amazing pace!
Still, I know this has to be nerve-wracking! I hope that you will have a court date soon so that this can be behind you.
Wow...I would imagine your attorney has not had such a good, strong case in a while. The evidence that you need in order to be granted sole custody is seemingly rolling out of your ex at an amazing pace!
Still, I know this has to be nerve-wracking! I hope that you will have a court date soon so that this can be behind you.
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The more I add it up (I'm starting to work on a spreadsheet, for frig's sake), the more it looks like I am dealing with a rageful addict who isn't even going to pretend he's trying to quit drinking. He sees Kid as a prize to be fought over, and so he wants a fight. (He's also said - in writing, to my lawyer - that he only told me he had stopped drinking after a binge in February "to appease [Mom] because it was what she wanted to hear").
If I were to take a step back and try to be compassionate, I would say that ex grew up in a family of origin where life was anger, misery and chaos, and so that's where he gravitates to because that's what's most familiar (like a compass needle that always swings back to north). I think he could move away from it a bit while we were married before Kid was born, but once Kid came along and we became A Family (and he became a father), his needle started swinging right back to the family heritage.
However, my ability to be compassionate runs up against my awareness of the incredible damage he's doing to everyone around him.
I really, really need to get this in front of a judge. I finally managed to connect with a phone consultation with my lawyer this afternoon. This gaslight-y, aggressive, hostile and borderline delusional crap is completely exhausting. Not to mention having to figure out what of his rantings constitutes a threat of violence and raises the stakes.
If I were to take a step back and try to be compassionate, I would say that ex grew up in a family of origin where life was anger, misery and chaos, and so that's where he gravitates to because that's what's most familiar (like a compass needle that always swings back to north). I think he could move away from it a bit while we were married before Kid was born, but once Kid came along and we became A Family (and he became a father), his needle started swinging right back to the family heritage.
However, my ability to be compassionate runs up against my awareness of the incredible damage he's doing to everyone around him.
I really, really need to get this in front of a judge. I finally managed to connect with a phone consultation with my lawyer this afternoon. This gaslight-y, aggressive, hostile and borderline delusional crap is completely exhausting. Not to mention having to figure out what of his rantings constitutes a threat of violence and raises the stakes.
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Compassion and protecting yourself and your child are not mutually exclusive.
Are you doing anything vengeful or inflicting intentional harm or pain on him? Of course not. You can recognize he is one messed-up dude and have compassion for that and at the same time recognize he isn't safe with your child and take appropriate action to protect him.
Working up a head of hate does no one any good--least of all, you. Try your best to keep your eyes in front of you, addressing what is right there, being handed to you on a silver platter.
When you talk with your lawyer ask about whether the judge you have is likely to see what is going on with this guy, and whether calling an expert or asking for a psych eval for both of you might be a helpful strategy. I would trust your lawyer's advice on that. If the judge is smart, there's no need for overkill.
Are you doing anything vengeful or inflicting intentional harm or pain on him? Of course not. You can recognize he is one messed-up dude and have compassion for that and at the same time recognize he isn't safe with your child and take appropriate action to protect him.
Working up a head of hate does no one any good--least of all, you. Try your best to keep your eyes in front of you, addressing what is right there, being handed to you on a silver platter.
When you talk with your lawyer ask about whether the judge you have is likely to see what is going on with this guy, and whether calling an expert or asking for a psych eval for both of you might be a helpful strategy. I would trust your lawyer's advice on that. If the judge is smart, there's no need for overkill.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
but he and the meth girlfriend
his rantings, delusions and paranoia sound like someone on meth.
his rantings, delusions and paranoia sound like someone on meth.
There's no way of knowing whether he's doing meth himself or whether he's going along with someone else's delusions, or neither. Given that he's angry and paranoid even when he's deep into a sedative like alcohol (and he has heart muscle damage already), agitating drugs like meth or coke would be very bad news. But, no way to know, so I just deal with what arises.
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as a precaution, it might be advisable to Act As If he is on meth. i am not suggesting you accuse or even say anything to him, just treat the situation with an extra level of assumption regarding his "state".
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Sasha...The Supreme Court is overloaded, now, as it is.......
So that part isn't necessarily incorrect, though it's pretty tough to imagine these two getting custody of children.
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Lexie....OMG....I just meant that as a joke (dry humor)...for Sasha....as a sort of comment on the ridiculousness of his statements...In no way did I take it as serious material....lol.....
In retrospect, maybe, I should have indicated that I was joking....
In retrospect, maybe, I should have indicated that I was joking....
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No, I knew you were joking, but I assumed you thought he was talking about the "big" Supreme Court. Believe me, I've run across a lot of nuts who think you CAN sue somebody in that Court.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
as a precaution, it might be advisable to Act As If he is on meth. i am not suggesting you accuse or even say anything to him, just treat the situation with an extra level of assumption regarding his "state".
I learned that the meth girlfriend is living with him now (Kid was told not to tell me about this but she let it slip out - and I had noticed the shoes piled inside his front door, either ex has started wearing stiletto ankle boots and pink flip-flops or the girlfriend has moved in). She's got a slew of criminal convictions (which I verified with state records), at least three trips through rehab for meth, coke and alcohol abuse, and as far as I know has never held a "straight" job (in other words, deeply part of the drug subculture). They hooked up in an addiction treatment program this winter and ex dumped his second wife for the meth girlfriend when he came out.
Obviously ex has the right to move his girlfriend into his apartment if he wants, but this goes into the pile of reasons why restricted access for Kid is needed. Two addicts with mental illnesses, neither of them working, both with histories of relapse, one with a long criminal history, are a recipe for trouble.
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his rantings, delusions and paranoia sound like someone on meth.
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Not directly applicable to your thread, but in the context of court, Sam Vaknin has a pretty amusing video here in which he talks about ways a lawyer can expose a narcissist to make them lose control in court by pressing their buttons.
Quite funny and anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist will smile at Vaknin's suggestions ... the part at 4 min 30 sec where he suggests asking the narcissist "who is really behind all this ? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to possess" is genius
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ_lumKlMfI
Quite funny and anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist will smile at Vaknin's suggestions ... the part at 4 min 30 sec where he suggests asking the narcissist "who is really behind all this ? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to possess" is genius
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ_lumKlMfI
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That's a crazy story - sounds like you will be fine though, with everything you have documented he definitely will not be getting custody, I would try not to stress out about it and just keep on being a good mom. Try not to worry about the what if's and just focus on the facts.
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Sasha, I've been traveling for a few weeks and it looks like you had quite a bit going on at the time. I'm sorry I wasn't here to add a voice of support. But holy moly! What a lot of stuff your ex has handed you for your custody hearing!
Can I just say, first off, that you're doing an amazing job as a mom. From everything you've shared, you're aware of what's going on and paying attention to its impacts on your DD. You've gotten support for your kiddo. You're involved and just awesome. Your ex is... well, he's a completely different story and you never need to consider his opinion of your parenting skills as even remotely accurate.
What is it with guys like him who think 1. that people won't notice living arrangements and 2. that it's OK to tell their kid to lie about it? AXH did the same thing with DS when he still had visitation. What was absolutely lovely was that AXH blamed me for him lying while answering the court's questions in our custody hearing. "Well, yeah, I told him to lie, but it was because of TU. She would have flipped out. I mean look at what she's doing now." -- He had already voluntarily given up legal custody and I was asking for a schedule and continued supervised visits. (I think it was the setting a schedule part that really got his goat - not being able to pop in whenever he got the urge to do so.)
In any case, his letters definitely show why he is not capable of shared custody. I wouldn't place any weight on his ramblings in a court setting - they help you more than they do him. Just keep on doing what you're doing to support your kiddo.
Can I just say, first off, that you're doing an amazing job as a mom. From everything you've shared, you're aware of what's going on and paying attention to its impacts on your DD. You've gotten support for your kiddo. You're involved and just awesome. Your ex is... well, he's a completely different story and you never need to consider his opinion of your parenting skills as even remotely accurate.
What is it with guys like him who think 1. that people won't notice living arrangements and 2. that it's OK to tell their kid to lie about it? AXH did the same thing with DS when he still had visitation. What was absolutely lovely was that AXH blamed me for him lying while answering the court's questions in our custody hearing. "Well, yeah, I told him to lie, but it was because of TU. She would have flipped out. I mean look at what she's doing now." -- He had already voluntarily given up legal custody and I was asking for a schedule and continued supervised visits. (I think it was the setting a schedule part that really got his goat - not being able to pop in whenever he got the urge to do so.)
In any case, his letters definitely show why he is not capable of shared custody. I wouldn't place any weight on his ramblings in a court setting - they help you more than they do him. Just keep on doing what you're doing to support your kiddo.
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