FifiRhubarb

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted here in years. Last time I did, I was still in the clutches of my alcoholic ex boyfriend. I have long since moved on, and he unfortunately died about a year and a half ago, if anyone remembers me posting about him.

Anyway, I now have some questions of a different nature. I am helping to raise my sister's kids, ages 8 and 11. Her ex, their father, has been absent from their lives for a few years now. He has a history of substance abuse (alcohol and drugs) as well as severe PTSD. He is clean right now and has been in contact with the younger kid (the older kid is unwilling to speak to him currently). What are some good books I could read about this type of scenario? My sister doesn't have any contact with her ex (for her own self preservation) so I am the go-between. Both kids will be seeing counselors and it will be a long time before their dad is actually able to see them.

Mango blast

I'm sorry to hear about his passing.

Alanon. Alakid. Alateen.

These programs are what pointed myself and my youngest son towards much needed connections with others who understood, who GOT it, who are looking for HEALTH in their families and friendships.

Kids book -

www.amazon.com/Understanding-Addiction-Recovery-Through-Childs/dp/075730611X

Mango blast

Having trouble posting a link. Can someone post that book for me? Also, what's the forum code for links?

atalose

I guess first I would ask, what legal arrangements are in place regarding the ex who has not been in the children’s lives for years?

Why are you the go between? Again, what legal arrangements are in place? Does he pay child support? And what about your own self-preservation?

It’s great the children will be seeing a counselor. Maybe it is best to get some counseling under their belts before attempting to bridge or forge a relationship with someone who has not been in their lives for years.

And I am sorry about your ex and sorry that addiction has brought you back to SR again.

DesertEyes

Basically, if the link is to a website that asks for contributions or makes money from seling stuff then it is not OK. Examples:

OK links:
Links to non-profit resources such as government websites.

Links to small excerpts from books such that the length of the excerpt does not cause a copyright violation. One page or less is ideal.

Links to websites that do not ask for contributions.

Not OK:
Links to for-profit resources such as Life Coaches, recovery centers, hospitals, therapists, book authors, individual websites that ask for contributions.

Mike
Moderator, SR

theuncertainty

Hi, FifiRhubarb, sorry to hear about your ex.

Having been in your sister's shoes, just wanted to extend a "Thank You" for helping her out on this. I would have been completely overwhelmed without my younger sister a few years back when dealing with AXH.

You mentioned that not talking with him helps with your sister's self-preservation. If you don't mind me asking, is that because it was an incredibly tumultuous relationship, just because or because of his drug use? Or was he abusive? Or is it to safeguard her recovery (if she's an RA)?

I don't know of any books specific to coordinating contact with a previously estranged parent... The book might be a little young for even your youngest nephew, but "The Brown Bottle" by Penny Jones is a good one to help explain alcoholism/addiction to young kids. Another good one is "An Elephant In the Living Room" by Hastings & Typpo, it's noted for ages 7+. There's a series of books "Your x Year Old" which helped me understand some of the different developmental phases DS was going through, and how what was going on might exacerbate some of the stuff in "normal" developmental stages.