Hi I am a newcomer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Hi I am a newcomer
I joined this forum to find answers and support. I married my wife 4 years ago. Her son who lives with us, is 24 now. His dad who has been sober now for a year took him down this path before he even turned 21. My step son is now an alcoholic. He gets scary sometimes, especially when I am away on travel for my work. My wife has to lock herself in her room. He doesn't go there when I am around.
He has been going to junior college for 6 years.
He finally finished and has absolutely no plans for the future.
He is 24 years old and has never had a job.
He is drunk every single day. Shuts himself in his room and drinks. His room smells of urine and when he is on a role the whole house smells up. I have found him several times passed out on the floor whe I get home from work. Usually he has pissed his pants.
He has been arrested 4 times for Drunk in public. His mother and father have taken his car away several times but keep giving it back.
I am extremely fearful he will kill someone.
His father, now sober after his 3rd DUI, will no longer have anything to do with him, even though he is the one thast was taking him to all the bars and teaching him how to get the best buzz for the buck.
The topper is, his mother (my wife) is an enabler. She buys him alcohol because he begs for it. She gives him money to go buy alcohol. She will get angry at him and yell and scream, but then turns around and gives him money.
He went to detox at the hospital for 4 days once. Then to a sober living house. He got thrown out because he got drunk. Begged to come home and she let him come home. She then sent him to recovery ranch. He ran away and came home. This cost her near $10,000 to send him there and he only stayed 2 weeks.
We thought maybe he should sign up for the Marines. He went to the recruiter, was convinced it was the right thing, but has now changed his mind and prefers to get drunk everyday.
We have mandated he get a job. He has spent the last 4 days working on a resume even though he has never had a job before. He can barely cope with looking for a job, let alone write a resume.
He gets that wild look in his eyes. It is scary. I have tried to get my wife and her husband to get him a psychiatric evaluation, to no avail.
My wife just keeps enabling him.
There is a lot of damage to my house. Holes kicked in the walls, broken doors, trashed bathroom, etc. etc.
I know Al anon is the solution, I just have to get my wife to go.
THis looks like a good support forum. I will try to get her to sign up for it.
He has been going to junior college for 6 years.
He finally finished and has absolutely no plans for the future.
He is 24 years old and has never had a job.
He is drunk every single day. Shuts himself in his room and drinks. His room smells of urine and when he is on a role the whole house smells up. I have found him several times passed out on the floor whe I get home from work. Usually he has pissed his pants.
He has been arrested 4 times for Drunk in public. His mother and father have taken his car away several times but keep giving it back.
I am extremely fearful he will kill someone.
His father, now sober after his 3rd DUI, will no longer have anything to do with him, even though he is the one thast was taking him to all the bars and teaching him how to get the best buzz for the buck.
The topper is, his mother (my wife) is an enabler. She buys him alcohol because he begs for it. She gives him money to go buy alcohol. She will get angry at him and yell and scream, but then turns around and gives him money.
He went to detox at the hospital for 4 days once. Then to a sober living house. He got thrown out because he got drunk. Begged to come home and she let him come home. She then sent him to recovery ranch. He ran away and came home. This cost her near $10,000 to send him there and he only stayed 2 weeks.
We thought maybe he should sign up for the Marines. He went to the recruiter, was convinced it was the right thing, but has now changed his mind and prefers to get drunk everyday.
We have mandated he get a job. He has spent the last 4 days working on a resume even though he has never had a job before. He can barely cope with looking for a job, let alone write a resume.
He gets that wild look in his eyes. It is scary. I have tried to get my wife and her husband to get him a psychiatric evaluation, to no avail.
My wife just keeps enabling him.
There is a lot of damage to my house. Holes kicked in the walls, broken doors, trashed bathroom, etc. etc.
I know Al anon is the solution, I just have to get my wife to go.
THis looks like a good support forum. I will try to get her to sign up for it.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,695
Welcome to SR. You will find lots of support here. You situation may sound hopeless but, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Many of us has seen alot in our journey. We are here for you. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Even if your wife won't go to Alanon, go yourself. Don't think of her as "the one w/the problem", b/c alcoholism is the family disease--EVERYBODY is affected.
Get help for yourself and see how things look to you then.
And yes, keep reading and posting here.
Get help for yourself and see how things look to you then.
And yes, keep reading and posting here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
I cannot imagine my qualifier being my child, it would be so hard. I feel for both you and your wife. Hopefully your wife will stop enabling one day, because for as long as she will willing to enable, she is contributing to his condition.
Keep posting, keep reading, you are not alone.
I cannot imagine my qualifier being my child, it would be so hard. I feel for both you and your wife. Hopefully your wife will stop enabling one day, because for as long as she will willing to enable, she is contributing to his condition.
Keep posting, keep reading, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please read your own post. This is insanity-- not him, but you and your wife continuing to live this way. Prisoners in your own home. Please do the rational thing, and do it now before you and your wife are seriously injured or killed.
The responsibility here is on you, and you alone. Your house, your wife, your life.
Cyranoak
The responsibility here is on you, and you alone. Your house, your wife, your life.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Did you ever think about seeking counseling through a psychologist who specializes in addiction. They generally work with family also. When I was in the thick of things, its what I did. Often your medical facility can direct you to resources.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, I agree, Alanon would be a great idea for YOU!
You can tell your wife that it's a good idea for her, but I recommend only saying it once.
Getting her to change her thinking and get to some meetings will can more than likely prove just as defeating as getting her son to stop drinking. I think this place and Alanon can help YOU a lot!
Im sorry for what you are going through - HUGS to you!
You can tell your wife that it's a good idea for her, but I recommend only saying it once.
Getting her to change her thinking and get to some meetings will can more than likely prove just as defeating as getting her son to stop drinking. I think this place and Alanon can help YOU a lot!
Im sorry for what you are going through - HUGS to you!
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I have soon more than one father in the rooms of Al Anon while their wives still enable. One of them is the person who stood out to me as having that something I came to the rooms looking for. So know you can get a lot out of Al Anon by going alone.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us although I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us although I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Welcome Jaque. I'm super glad you found us.
Your situation sounds super tough as you are a step-parent and dealing with an enabler. We enablers are, in some ways, worse than the users.
I second the going to an Alanon meeting yourself. Try a few different ones to find a good fit.
Your situation sounds super tough as you are a step-parent and dealing with an enabler. We enablers are, in some ways, worse than the users.
I second the going to an Alanon meeting yourself. Try a few different ones to find a good fit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
Please read your own post. This is insanity-- not him, but you and your wife continuing to live this way. Prisoners in your own home. Please do the rational thing, and do it now before you and your wife are seriously injured or killed.
The responsibility here is on you, and you alone. Your house, your wife, your life.
Cyranoak
The responsibility here is on you, and you alone. Your house, your wife, your life.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you're in a tough spot, that's for sure. one place nobody ever wants to be is between a mama bear and her cub. and codie/enabler moms are the Grizzlies of the group.
but this is also YOUR home. and this adult person is destroying it, making in inhabitable and unwelcome for the OWNERS. but until your wife sees it that way you are more at odds with HER than with the son.
an unenviable option would be for YOU to move out - let them have it it. that buys you some sanity and a safe place to go, but does not SOLVE the problem.
i suggest the airplane rule - don your own oxygen mask FIRST. then assist others.
but this is also YOUR home. and this adult person is destroying it, making in inhabitable and unwelcome for the OWNERS. but until your wife sees it that way you are more at odds with HER than with the son.
an unenviable option would be for YOU to move out - let them have it it. that buys you some sanity and a safe place to go, but does not SOLVE the problem.
i suggest the airplane rule - don your own oxygen mask FIRST. then assist others.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Sometimes learning to deal with the alcoholic also means learning to deal with those that enable them. You know what? That's okay too. First, like Anvil said, don your own oxygen mask.
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