So much for boundaries...
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
So much for boundaries...
I'm still angry so I thought I'd post here since my personal therapist rescheduled my appointment from last night to Wednesday evening.
I forgot to tell AH my appointment was rescheduled and arrived home from work at my normal time. The vodka bottle was on the counter nearly empty. I ignored it and behaved normally and tried not to let it bother me. Of course here he comes following me. Wanting to be all lovey dovey and breathe his nasty vodka breath in my face. I don't acknowledge the drinking. I feel like I'm doing good.
THEN
a commercial came on about two politicians that are running for office. I (stupidly) express my opinion on one of the politicians. He then wants to discuss politics to which I reply, "I'm not talking about politics tonight" and he pushes as to why, because I don't want to, why not?, because I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. He then starts in on abortion (we have polar opposite views even though our views were the same prior to marrying) using emotional attacks to try to instigate something. I try to stick to my boundaries and just walk away. No matter how many times I leave the room or take a walk, all he does is push further.
Here is where I always seem to break. He tells me that the reason I don't want to talk about it is because I can't refute his "FACTS". Of course I can, I was trying not to. But instead of immediately getting into it, I said, "I don't want to talk about that because it never ends well" and he said that it's because I get all huffy and puffy because I can't refute his "FACTS" again. So I engage and try to have a civil discussion but of course, as always, it turns into a screaming match. I took my little cat into the bedroom and locked the door for maybe 3 minutes in an attempt to let the situation die down. He knees the door and cracks it. He's never done that before. He's never purposely broken anything. It was a little frightening. Of course he continues to engage. Calls me a "professional victim" tells me that I can't have a civil conversation because all I do is respond emotionally when he's the one who uses emotionally charged, gruesome statements to trigger me.
We argued for four hours. I'm already exhausted so I leave the room to let the dogs out to "party" (I say party because they don't know the difference between potty and party and party sounds more fun).
I get back to the bedroom and the door is locked. There's no key. My money, my purse, all of my belongings, my contact solution, medication, tooth brush and everything else is in that room with him. I tried to pick the lock for another 2 hours because I needed my stuff, but eventually had to fall asleep with my contacts in and my makeup on in the guest room. I'm exhausted, I only got 4 hours of sleep. Why did I feel the need to engage? Why couldn't I let it go? I talked about boundaries last week, and lately I've been so good at keeping them, but then I fail miserably like this. I packed my stuff up, but I don't know if I'm actually going to leave. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I forgot to tell AH my appointment was rescheduled and arrived home from work at my normal time. The vodka bottle was on the counter nearly empty. I ignored it and behaved normally and tried not to let it bother me. Of course here he comes following me. Wanting to be all lovey dovey and breathe his nasty vodka breath in my face. I don't acknowledge the drinking. I feel like I'm doing good.
THEN
a commercial came on about two politicians that are running for office. I (stupidly) express my opinion on one of the politicians. He then wants to discuss politics to which I reply, "I'm not talking about politics tonight" and he pushes as to why, because I don't want to, why not?, because I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. He then starts in on abortion (we have polar opposite views even though our views were the same prior to marrying) using emotional attacks to try to instigate something. I try to stick to my boundaries and just walk away. No matter how many times I leave the room or take a walk, all he does is push further.
Here is where I always seem to break. He tells me that the reason I don't want to talk about it is because I can't refute his "FACTS". Of course I can, I was trying not to. But instead of immediately getting into it, I said, "I don't want to talk about that because it never ends well" and he said that it's because I get all huffy and puffy because I can't refute his "FACTS" again. So I engage and try to have a civil discussion but of course, as always, it turns into a screaming match. I took my little cat into the bedroom and locked the door for maybe 3 minutes in an attempt to let the situation die down. He knees the door and cracks it. He's never done that before. He's never purposely broken anything. It was a little frightening. Of course he continues to engage. Calls me a "professional victim" tells me that I can't have a civil conversation because all I do is respond emotionally when he's the one who uses emotionally charged, gruesome statements to trigger me.
We argued for four hours. I'm already exhausted so I leave the room to let the dogs out to "party" (I say party because they don't know the difference between potty and party and party sounds more fun).
I get back to the bedroom and the door is locked. There's no key. My money, my purse, all of my belongings, my contact solution, medication, tooth brush and everything else is in that room with him. I tried to pick the lock for another 2 hours because I needed my stuff, but eventually had to fall asleep with my contacts in and my makeup on in the guest room. I'm exhausted, I only got 4 hours of sleep. Why did I feel the need to engage? Why couldn't I let it go? I talked about boundaries last week, and lately I've been so good at keeping them, but then I fail miserably like this. I packed my stuff up, but I don't know if I'm actually going to leave. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
So sorry! I just responded to your post from last week. It is so hard not to engage when someone is pressing your buttons that way.
Don't have any wise advice since I'm in the same boat as you, but just wanted to say I understand and feel your pain. I've lived through so many of those nights. Hugs!
Don't have any wise advice since I'm in the same boat as you, but just wanted to say I understand and feel your pain. I've lived through so many of those nights. Hugs!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
This sounds like a phenomenally miserable way to live, SYH. How often does this happen?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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So what can you do to strengthen your "not engaging in the first place" skills?
And I might argue that those tactics he uses aren't silly or petty and they have everything to do with your situation. You'd have to be a brick not to let the things a drunk person says in an argument get to you. Better never to have the argument in the first place.
And I might argue that those tactics he uses aren't silly or petty and they have everything to do with your situation. You'd have to be a brick not to let the things a drunk person says in an argument get to you. Better never to have the argument in the first place.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I don't think you "failed miserably". You did everything you could to de-escalate a discussion about abortion and politics which you knew would go nowhere. Your husband chose not to respect your disengagement and kept following you, resorting to petty childish behavior (locking the bedroom) when you wouldn't come out and play.
If he's never kicked and broken items (like the door) before, that sounds to me like an escalation, which is worrisome.
If he's never kicked and broken items (like the door) before, that sounds to me like an escalation, which is worrisome.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Why do you put up with this teatment? He's verbally abusive and it's escalating by him getting physical with the door. ( believe me it will be you next unless things change) He locked you out of your room knowing all your things were in it. I' d be plannng my escape if I were you.
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Even though I didn't know when or if I'd leave, I've been preparing. I got a credit card and am building my credit in case I have to get the new car transferred to my name so the payments won't be ridiculous, I have the zillow app and check every day for houses for rent, still looking to buy a camper in case I want to be mobile and live small, I have people to stay with if I need to leave right now. Mentally, I'm struggling, but I have a physical plan that I can and will use if I need to leave quickly.
I was surprised about the door. I couldn't believe he'd ram it like that. Couldn't believe he'd force me to sleep in my contacts (I know it's silly but I hate it, it messes up my eyes all day). He apologized for being an a**hole this morning but I'm still so mad that the apology just doesn't seem to be enough.
I was surprised about the door. I couldn't believe he'd ram it like that. Couldn't believe he'd force me to sleep in my contacts (I know it's silly but I hate it, it messes up my eyes all day). He apologized for being an a**hole this morning but I'm still so mad that the apology just doesn't seem to be enough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Saveyourheart....what he does is abuse. It is wrong, and it is not your fault.
breaking the door was a very aggressive act. It will not get better...it will get worse....
Detachment will only help so much, in situations like this....
In fact, detachment might not be helpful with abusive people, in some situations....
I encourage you to call the local domestic violence situation and talk to someone about your situation....They will understand and can help you with a plan for safety and help you plan how to get away....
They have resources that you may not know about....
You have options....and you are not alone...
You don't have to live like this.....
breaking the door was a very aggressive act. It will not get better...it will get worse....
Detachment will only help so much, in situations like this....
In fact, detachment might not be helpful with abusive people, in some situations....
I encourage you to call the local domestic violence situation and talk to someone about your situation....They will understand and can help you with a plan for safety and help you plan how to get away....
They have resources that you may not know about....
You have options....and you are not alone...
You don't have to live like this.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Save your heart....I see that you say that you have a place to go....
Still, the dv people can offer you other services that you might need......
Abuse doesn't usually happen just one time....and it tends to get worse over time....It is the cycle of abuse....Please google "The Cycle of Abuse" and read up on it...see if you recognize any of it.....
Still, the dv people can offer you other services that you might need......
Abuse doesn't usually happen just one time....and it tends to get worse over time....It is the cycle of abuse....Please google "The Cycle of Abuse" and read up on it...see if you recognize any of it.....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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I hope you take some time to work on a plan. Not just on a long term plan but also on a short term plan for while you are living with this kind of abuse. And it IS abuse.
That might be as simple as having contact solution ( and other necessities) in a kitchen cabinet, along with anything else you needed last night that was locked away from you. Also an extra set of car keys or few dollars tucked away for taxi in case you have to leave to maintain your boundaries and/or keep yourself safe.
No one should need to make survival plans for living in the same home as their spouse, but sometimes when we live with addicts we have to do that. How sick is that?
I am sorry your spouse is being such an ass. Been there. *hugs*
That might be as simple as having contact solution ( and other necessities) in a kitchen cabinet, along with anything else you needed last night that was locked away from you. Also an extra set of car keys or few dollars tucked away for taxi in case you have to leave to maintain your boundaries and/or keep yourself safe.
No one should need to make survival plans for living in the same home as their spouse, but sometimes when we live with addicts we have to do that. How sick is that?
I am sorry your spouse is being such an ass. Been there. *hugs*
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
something has been on my mind a lot lately, SYH, and I know I have been posting about it a lot.
So please forgive the repetition.
When one is living with an alcoholic partner, I would ask them to envision their lives with same 10 or 20 years down the road.
Unless he/she embraces sobriety, partner will be that much sicker, physically and mentally.
I have been thinking about this as I have been observing my alcohol addicted sib's physical and mental decline from decades of drinking.
I honestly don't know how he remains upright.
I find myself angry and sad whenever I see him.
Again, sorry for repeating myself, but there is truly nothing worse than an old drunk.
My advice to anyone in this situation is to leave. The partner has made his/her choice, but you don't have to live with it.
So please forgive the repetition.
When one is living with an alcoholic partner, I would ask them to envision their lives with same 10 or 20 years down the road.
Unless he/she embraces sobriety, partner will be that much sicker, physically and mentally.
I have been thinking about this as I have been observing my alcohol addicted sib's physical and mental decline from decades of drinking.
I honestly don't know how he remains upright.
I find myself angry and sad whenever I see him.
Again, sorry for repeating myself, but there is truly nothing worse than an old drunk.
My advice to anyone in this situation is to leave. The partner has made his/her choice, but you don't have to live with it.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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The person I stay with is actually a director for domestic violence shelter, she's amazing and I keep her up to date on my situation. This whole breaking things incident is new and I guess that's one of the reasons I'm so freaked out, that it's new and hasn't happened before. Also, he's never left me locked out like that. It's been a while since he exhibited any new patterns when he's drunk, so I wasn't really prepared for all that, but I need to start preparing for the immediate future. I'm glad I didn't deposit my paycheck into our joint account last week. I've been carrying it around because I had an uneasy feeling. Trust your gut folks, it's almost always right.
Thanks everyone, for the support. I've been really hard on myself this morning for engaging, but it's a process that I have to keep working on (or escape altogether).
Thanks everyone, for the support. I've been really hard on myself this morning for engaging, but it's a process that I have to keep working on (or escape altogether).
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
That might be as simple as having contact solution ( and other necessities) in a kitchen cabinet, along with anything else you needed last night that was locked away from you. Also an extra set of car keys or few dollars tucked away for taxi in case you have to leave to maintain your boundaries and/or keep yourself safe.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
I also meant to say. . . . .
It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over engaging him when you said you weren't going to. Nothing good comes out of that. It's hard to not engage. It's hard to change habits. It's hard to detach. Just keep working on it. Be kind to yourself.
It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over engaging him when you said you weren't going to. Nothing good comes out of that. It's hard to not engage. It's hard to change habits. It's hard to detach. Just keep working on it. Be kind to yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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When you've spent your entire life being a reasonable person and dealing with others rationally, it's very hard to stop trying to handle irrational situations the way you always have.
Don't be so hard on yourself, yes?
Sending you a hug.
Don't be so hard on yourself, yes?
Sending you a hug.
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