H in recovery, revisionist history?
 

My H who was sober for 3 yrs before a one week relapse about a month ago, and now back fully into AA etc, told me that he does not blame his drinking on other people or situations, that they were stressors but that he alone is responsible. Which of course is great that he knows that.

But he also says he never blamed anything or anyone else, which is completely untrue, as he outright told me at various points while he was drinking that it was my fault.

Is it normal for a recovered alcoholic to look back and apply current sober way of thinking to his past actions? Perhaps he just doesn't remember. I guess I'm looking for some acknowledgement from him of his actual past behaviors rather than this assertion that he always has taken personal responsibility. It feels almost like my pain is minimized by saying that. Just wondering if others have experienced the same.

He might not remember, or he might remember and be ashamed of it. He MIGHT be saying that regardless of what he said out loud, he knew it was always his own doing. IOW, he might have told you it was your fault, but deep down he always knew it wasn't.

I can't say. YOU know it wasn't your fault (I hope). Have you talked to him about how this made you feel?

I do know it wasn't my fault intellectually but there are still some times I have trouble with it.

I told him I felt like he minimized my experience, that if he really was like that then living with him drinking shouldn't have been so traumatic. All he ever says is "I need to process that."

Hi, darla.
I think it is not uncommon for drinkers to just want to move on, once they stop. Perhaps they don't know what to say or do to atone for past bad behavior, or maybe it's a kind of, "Well, I'm not drinking NOW, so can't we just let this go?"
Meantime, though, you have resentment and anger.
Al-Anon helped me a lot with the emotions I have about my sib's drinking.
There are other ways to make peace with the past. Therapy, meditation, etc. Perhaps others will weigh in with their thoughts soon.
Peace and good thoughts.

Very typical and may be accurate - as he was drunk and did not have to deal with the wreckage. My XAH still believes it is all about him and everyone should tiptoe around him while he is in early recovery. That I should be loving and huggy ex wife.He gripes about me not being supportive enough, and makes examples of mythical supportive people who are way better in being supportive. No longer my circus, no longer my monkeys, which I am greatful for.

I interpret that as meaning- he does not blame anyone NOW - for the way he behaved THEN.

tomsteve wrote this on another thread and I think it sums up some newly sober alcoholics attitude :-

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

seems like you might be expecting a bit more remorse than a ONE WEEK relapse calls for?? now granted i don't know what all he DID during that week, but he had three years, drank for a week and then immediately resumed his program AND is taking full responsibility for his choices and actions.

what he might have SAID while under the influence is really not the point here. most drunks don't remember half of what they said or did - even if they spouted off hurtful or stupid stuff.

now in a sober frame of mind he is staking claim to personal fault, not laying blame at anyone else's feet, including yours. i am not seeing how that could be a bad thing...........