How adoption has helped me not judge the alcoholic

Old 06-19-2017, 07:10 PM
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How adoption has helped me not judge the alcoholic

A tidbit you may not know about me; I am adopted.

Adopted from a not so "typical" family. A homeless family with disease running through their blood (From herpees, to addiction).

When conceived, I had fetal alcohol effect. My birthmother drank beer her whole pregnancy.

Some may see this as a negative BUT

I MYSELF SEE THIS AS A POSITIVE! I cannot thank this woman enough! Even though I have never met her (probably never will)

You have saved, my life, despite your flaws. You have given me up to someone, so special. You were selfless.

I was adopted by such a caring household.

And although

My adoptive family has alcohol issues as well. But I can never hold this against them.

They took a great risk taking me in. They saved me from homelessness .

I cannot compare, judging an alcoholic vs. having no home/family. Its impossible

For me , addiction, whatever kind, is a piece of a puzzle. It is not the whole picture. Just one color. I can not hold it against someone. It does not hold up in court, when I look at the big picture.

I cannot pay my parents back for their love they have given me. It is impossible. Therefore, I cannot hold their flaws against them.

The fact that decisions were made for a small baby, who is just learning to breath, cannot hardly think for themselves. I had no control over the situation . it just HAPPENED like magic. thats amazing.

I went from poor to rich. (Literally).

That , right there, gives me great hope for the human race,

What more can I say? I will not be able to repay them , perhaps until another lifetime.

Thnx for listening
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:38 PM
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This is beautiful and insightful too. Your parents are lucky to have adopted YOU.

I feel the same way about looking at the whole picture of someone. I know I wouldnt want to be judged by one flaw or even one good quality.
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Old 06-21-2017, 04:06 AM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
This is beautiful and insightful too. Your parents are lucky to have adopted YOU.

I feel the same way about looking at the whole picture of someone. I know I wouldnt want to be judged by one flaw or even one good quality.
..but if they had stayed with the bfamily would they have the same outlook? Being judged for one flaw is not really what life with an alcoholic/addict equates to, is it? I understand the desire to minimise or compartmentalise the alcoholic's effects and affects but it is not possible in my opinion. Just our wishful thinking which they will often encourage.
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Old 06-21-2017, 04:39 AM
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I'm also adopted and have a different story and different perspective on this issue, but am happy for you, Colors. I reunited with my birth mother 20 years ago and found a beautiful woman who should have been allowed to keep her child, but the social mores of the time would not permit it. The forced separation wrecked us both for a very long time and permeates our other relationships 'til this day. As for judging others, we're not in a position to judge anyone because none of us has the whole picture, just our own particular and limited view. But we all certainly can make healthy choices for ourselves, based on that view. The important thing is that you're in a good place and that's everything.
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Old 06-21-2017, 04:50 AM
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Alcoholism can be a small part of an alcoholic's life as long as that person sheds it.

Sometimes I visualize substance abuse as the big puffy coat. The catch is that that big puffy coat has barbed wire inside it. Anybody who tries to get close to the addict inevitably gets stabbed by the barbed wire. Unfortunately, the person who wears it gets stabbed too.

The big puffy barbed wire coat is there because it is the protective shield between the person and the world. In the beginning, the coat is brand new and nobody who looks at the person can see that something is wrong. But the longer you wear it, the more worn down it becomes and the barbed wire pokes through.

And sometimes, the coat is the absolutely the last thing you need. The weather gets up to 120 degrees, and you need to shed the coat. But addicts cling onto it because they don't know that they can seek shelter someplace else.

You can't minimize the effects of alcoholism. I struggle too with trying to not to judge my sister for her reliance on pot to get her through life. But I saw what happened when she tried to minimize the effects of her sexual assault by befriending her rapist. She relied on the substances to get past her revulsion, and now all she does is date people who are just like her rapist. She talks about peace and love, but I frankly think she needs her boyfriends to take some sort of substance so they can tolerate her anger. She denied the physical abuse that both of us endured - she still hangs out with the person who abused us and tells me that "it wasn't that bad." But she hangs out with that person because that person doesn't hold my sister accountable for the choices she made, and my sister can't deal with the shame associated with those choices (she had an affair with a forty-something pot smoker who still lived with his parents and essentially threw her family's financial health down the toilet. For years, she pretended not to be divorced, and basically gave her kids to my parents for them to raise.)

It's easier in the short term to think that the anger shouldn't be there, but you are way better off in the long run struggling with it and extracting every single lesson it can give you before you let it go. And when you let it go, you will be wiser. You will be sadder. But you won't need beer, you yourself won't need a barbed wire puffy coat to get you through your life. You will be you. People will see YOU and love you for who you are. And anybody else who can't deal with your authentic self, you'll be able to let them go and move on.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:18 AM
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another perspective

I am really happy to hear you are at peace and grateful to all your parents....but you should know that you are very lucky.

I am not adopted but an adopter of 2 lovely girls. My eldest is also affected by FAS and was born fitting due to her bmother's heroin/crack habits. My daughter has had and still has, a difficult time dealing with her emotions and troubled lifefestyle. I see this as a direct result of her bmother's choices. She has 3 brothers whose lives have all been permanently damaged by her alcohol/drug use and subsequent neglect. I am friends with the family who adopted her younger brother (another very troubled boy who will never be able to live independently) - they adopted another boy who was the son of 2 chronic alcoholics. By the age of 18, he too had a drink problem. Despite the tremendous love and care from his adoptive family, he was unable to manage his demons and 2 weeks ago he hung himself - aged 24 years.
When my elder daughters troubles began (stealing, lying, promiscuity, running away) I joined Adoption UK 's forum and found many, many parents in my position - almost without exception, they were the children of alcoholics and drug addicts.
My daughter and others have many other good qualities but sadly the affects of their own and others behaviours affects every aspect of their lives..
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Old 06-28-2017, 08:20 PM
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Your daughters sounds like they are great people but with flaws and troubles

I am glad that you joined a program. This website has helped me so much!.
I know when my parents adopted me, they knew it was a high risk adoption. The possibility was very well explained that I could inherit many characteristics of my birthmother (disease, alcohol, drugs).
But that is what makes adoptive parents so special. They take that risk. No one TELLS you to adopt a child. You do it, because you want to. You want to help. And your daughter needed help. She needs someone , whether she always admits it or not, to take care of her. She is better of now most likely, rather than being surrounded by drugs and alcohol from the time she was small. ( I do not know how old she was when she was adopted). She is grateful, I am sure. She knows. She may not say.

Last thing is, my brother was adopted just like me. From a different family in a different area. Another high risk adoption case. My parents took the same risk with him, and he is a very bad drug addict (pills especially). It did not show up until 4 years ago. We found out on a family vacation. It was a terrible experience.
I will tell you though, my parents, still deeply deeply love my brother. And to me, that is what is so special. It is easy to love a perfect person. It is NOT easy to love a person who has hurt you. A person you took a large risk with. To me, that makes my parents the best of all. They didn't create their children, instead they decided to help the ones who have a lot to lose. That to me is eternal love. Thats loving the part of the world that can be pretty scary at times.

I have only had ONE conversation with my brother about adoption and I will say, he has told me he loves my Mother and Father very much. But he knows he is different from them. He can feel it in his genes. But he is always grateful, to have parents that offered him a college education, a neighborhood full of friends his age. He knows it is himself he needs to change, he can blame it on his genes. But he cannot blame it on those who adopted him.

Parents have their lifetimes to help their children. For me, the minute I knew my mom saved me from homelessness, it changed my life. I'm sure your daughter is very grateful to have you. No one on this world is perfect. We need all kinds of people. The world would not work properly if everyone in it was perfect.
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