Bambi

I am trying very hard to be strong and work on me, and detach from AH. I love him, and am doing all I can to fix ME. I want this to work, and from what I can see my AH is really trying this time. Gosh just typing that made me want to slap myself for some reason.

ANYWAY...... he is involved in going to court for his 3rd DUI as I have stated before. I need some advice from all you wonderful people. I do not want to enable, and be an active codie. But I think I should be here for him also. He can't drive now legally, and his guilt for all of this that is going on is sometimes overwhelming for him. I myself struggle with the anger I feel for him, because his decision to drink has caused so much trauma with our lives. I say decision, but illness, choice, whatever you call it?

Sooooo is driving him to court, and being emotionally supportive a bad thing?
I am so afraid of doing the "wrong" thing and contributing.

sweetr72

Bambi,
Im new here and am going through similar experiences with my AB so im not sure if I can give you advise or just let you know that I am dealing with the same feelings as you, how far do you have to go before you are enabling or becoming a codie? Its hard to figure out but listen to what your head is telling you to do because the heart can lead you to do things your head is screaming not to do. I cant say one way or another what you should do as I cannot figure out what and how to support my AB through his recovery process either, so Im interested on what others will have to say. I just wanted you to know that your not alone with these questions and thoughts.
Hugz Dawn

SJW

Wow!

That's a hard one. My instinct (which may certainly be wrong) is to say let him find his own way to court. But I totally understand the confusion you feel about wanting to support him, too. Had you set any boundaries for yourself before that you will be breaking by driving him to court?

I haven't had to deal with my husband's DUI yet because, even though he certainly has deserved one, he hasn't gotten caught yet. I have always said, to him and to others, if he gets hauled off to jail he shouldn't bother calling me because I won't come and get him. I hope when that day comes (because I'm sure it will someday) that I can remember my boundaries and stick to them. I guess I have a tendency to let the anger rule me rather than any tenderness I feel. That may be really rotten, but that's how I feel. If he never has to suffer any consequences for what he does, he'll never hit bottom. If I help break the fall, I enable him.

But that's just me, and I can't tell anyone else what to do. And I don't even know if I will be able to do what I preach when it comes time. I do feel for you, though, because you are in a hard spot. Do you have any kind of gut feeling, or initial instinct about it? Maybe that's what you should do. Pray, maybe you'll feel God's guidance.

Thinking of you.

SJW

brightlight

I called my husband at the bar the other day and told him how much money he had spent. He sounded shocked and said really? When I hung up, I was worried I had really made a mistake and that he would go spend more fast to just teach me a lesson. He came home later and I checked the bank on line and he did not spend anymore. I really think my husband is not thinking. At first I think it is a plot and he is doing it to make me mad, but I think he just gets carried away and does not know. I do not know. Sometimes I think they do need help. I do not do things like pick up his clothes. He will come home from the bar and take his boots and socks off. He will get up the next morning and put on clean socks and the boots. He will leave the dirty socks in the floor. This morning he picked up three pairs of socks and had to look hard for a clean pair for work. He had three days of clothes laying in the bathroom floor and I said what is the reason? Are you trying to make me mad? See if I wil pick them up or what? He went and picked them up. I do know that I do not do that and the kids would never do that. When he did not have clean jeans this morning, he knew it was his fault. I do not want to get the phone call about the driving either, but I think he finally got worried about it because he is not driving now. I said I would turn him in and I think he is worried. Also, he does not want to look bad where he works. He is in charge of a department and I said how would it look for the boss to ride his bike to work because he does not have a drivers license?

paula a.

Bambi,
I drove him to court and to all of his classes and AA meetings for a year, I am still driving him to work. Codie? Maybe, but we live in an area where there is no public transportation and with all of the fines we need him to keep his job. So I do what I must. My driving him is helping him, but, it is also helping me and the kids so I guess you have to weigh the consequences.
Paula

Bambi

Yes thats the problem. My gut tells me that I shouldn't help him, that he isn't getting the brunt of things by me helping him. I feel like I am forced to do things that I really don't want to do regarding it. I had to drive 4 hours today for his court appearance and there is many more to come.

But like Paula said, we also live in the boonies and he has no way to get anywhere. He is riding his bike to the AA meetings. But then he asked me "So are you going to make me ride the bike again", which really ticked me off the way he worded that. Like all of this is my fault and me not wanting him to drive one of the vehicles is a terrible thing.

He can't work right now even if I did drive him (which is also nearly 2 hours each way) So I would have to drive 4 hours in the AM and 4 hours in the PM, to take him!!! But he then has to drive the work truck when he gets there to the job sites. WHich he can't do now.

So we are up the creek without a paddle right now. He is trying to find something out this way for now. He doesn't want to actually give up his other job cause of our health insurance and it is a good paying stable job.

I am also looking for a job even though it will really cause me a great deal of pain to do this. I have had one spinal fusion in my neck, and need a second one in my lower back, so sitting is very hard. Then from previous auto accidents I have 2 very bad ankles and one needs an ankle fusion. They need to take bone from my hip and then fuse my ankle. SO walking is VERY painful too. Thats why sitting or standing is so hard for me right now. But I HAVE to do something, we can't live on no money at all. He has so much coming up with his DUI too.

I HATE this, I feel so trapped and like there is no way out no matter what I do.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Dee at Mt Bully

Bambi--you have a right to vent.
The rwemark about the bycycle would of been the undoing of my ability to be reasonable. I would have probably told my AH that the bycycle was better than walking. I can't say about the court dates. I think I would have to weigh the effect on
the whole family. I do think you can drive him to court dates without being too
codie. Maybe you could establish some boudrys in regards to driving and stick to
your guns. I hope you know that we all care about you. Stay strong--Dee

speedyG

Hi , i am new here also, these are my thoughts. If he is trying than you need to support him. but it is how you support him. i would not bring up the court date unless he does first. that way he doesnt think you are nagging him. i would not offer or even ask how he is getting there. than he must take responcibility for himself. than and only if he asked for a ride i would decide. but this way you have not enabled him and he had to be accoutable. and than it is on you if you feel it is right. if he gets a ride other than you , than i would maybe ask he would like you to go along, that way he knows that you are there for him. he may be to emberised to want you there.
good luck in what ever you decide.

paula a.

Bambi, I feel for ya with all of the driving. When AH was going to his classes they were an hour from home, work was an hour the other way and he was working second shift at the time. So I would take him to work for two hours, go back and get him drive two hours to his class sit in the parking lot for an hour, take him back to work, go home and then go back two hours later to get him. It would take like six hours of my day for him to attend a one hour class--ugh, I don't miss that a bit!

Bambi

I just can't imagine how hard that had to be for you doing all that driving!!! I know I could never be that strong. But I guess we do what we have to do to keep the family together.

I feel I have this constant battle of my head, heart, and gut, non stop. I know you all can relate and have been there or are there too.

Now his job said he can work if he can GET there. He then can ride with someone to the job sites. SO he would have to take the car, and get to a guys house to hitch a ride further to the shop, that is 70 miles away with no license.
(he got a DUI in the state IL, which we are next too, he can't drive in IL right now, but still can legally in WI for now) So the less he drives in IL with no license the safer it is.

Anyway so of course he left this all up to me to decide if it is ok or not. Well everything in my being says no of course, but we need a roof over our head, etc.

So now the stress level rises in the AM when he leaves, will he keep his promises, will he get pulled over, bla bla bla. My stomach is a volcano, my muscles are all a ball, my anxiety is in over drive. Is this how life is supposed to feel??? :dead:

splendra

((((((Bambi)))))))

aren't there any carpools in your area? Surely there is a way around this....With the price of gas going up I would think that the demand for carpooling would be up. I would think that there are buses going to the differnt towns around you too. Call Greyhound....you might be surprized.

I am going to say prayers for you that you find a more workable solution to your car situation. I hate to drive myself and I am afraid that if my AH could not drive he would have to find alternatives other than me driving him everyday. I know you are not me. I am sure you will do the very best you can. Trust yourself to make a good dicission....and to find a good workable solution..... He got himself into that mess ya know!!!

Bambi

Yes your right he did. He can look into the car pool thing, but we live so far out, that most people that live in this area, work in this area or in a near by city. But who knows there could be someone who also makes the long trip? Worth checking out at least. Closest train is nearly an hour away, we checked that. I know there are no buses near here, but not sure just how far a drive it would be to get to one.

But there has to be an option. I am just going to have to stop killing myself with the worry. If he will drink again, if he does and is driving, will he get pulled over, on and on and on in my head. I can't take it anymore. If that happens I promised myself it is over. Then a whole new can of worms opens in my head. I just want to be able to shut of my emotions for now. So I can at least feel a little better!!!

I want to thank you all again for being so wonderful and such a great place to come and vent, learn, and share. SInce I found this board, it really has helped so much. I ordered some books which just came also, look forward to reading those.

melissaealy

i know how you fell because i go through the same thing and mine has been got for dui also.hang in their we are all here for you.

cwohio

bambi - holy moly! all the posts on this thread make me realize just how grateful i am to have not had to deal with some of the issues you all have had regarding dui's, court, money problems, etc.

i wish you much support in finding a solution and much serenity for you!

thank you for your post and snapping me back to reality!

hugs - cwohio

paula a.

Praying that things go smoothly for you Bambi, and that you find ways to not worry too much.

Hugs,
Paula

Bambi

Thnaks Paula and you also.

You know I thought things were bad before this last DUI, geeesh when you think it can't get any worse, it always does with me. (sorry self pity moment)

I watched this one movie today called "Love Comes Softly" by Michael Landons son. Anyway...... there was a moment in it that really got to me.

He was talking to a young girl who lost her husband and was grieving. She was doubting how God could allow such bad things to happen us. He explained.... you know when I walk with my young daughter, I am right beside her but sometimes she falls, I can't stop her from falling, but I am there to pick her up, cry with her and hold her hand as she cries.

I know thats what "Footsteps" says more or less, but the way it was said in this movie for some reason got to me. and at a time when I needed it the most. Like it was a message, I know that must sound weird.