So here's one: my AH lied to me thAt he had an appointment with our marriage counselor whom he has seen twice now on his own since I discontinued joint meetings with him explaining I did not see a point as long as he continued refusing treatment for the Alcoholism and because nothing has changed in the last 9 months. He knew he was lying. He told
Me before he left for the "appointment" today that he was doing what I wanted which is to go to therapy. I only found out about this lie bc the marriage counselor told me AH just cancelled his appointment which was actually for tomorrow and wanted to know if I wanted to come in his stead.
There was no reason to lie even though I'm sure he will make something up. I see now the reason to lie is bc he wants desperately to continue drinking, he doesn't have any regard for this marriage or me, and is telling me what he thinks will satisfy me because he doesn't want to become homeless and alone which would shatter the perception of him to others. Even though everyone who knows us knows he's got a problem.
He knows he is lying.

Behaviour...repetition of an action, a thought..reinforces the need for those and so after a time- a lie becomes a rationalisation becomes a truism becomes a truth.

Cognitive distortion- a drunk person thinks differently. A drunk person with brain changes- that are permanent from chronic drinking will at times say, do and think bizarre things because of the physiology changes in the brain's wiring.

Lying becomes a skill. It is easier to deny than to face shame or worse if there is theft violence, blah involved.
An alcoholic may tell a lie, believing it to be the truth. Some one at SR a while back posted her xah had just called her on his mobile phone- to tell her in an accusing and demanding voice- the he had lost his mobile phone (he only had the one).

Thank you, the above is exactly what I needed to read right at this moment.

Great thread, I have got a lot from it. Thank you all.

I am currently coming out of the fog of denial around being married to an A. I found myself over many years unable to tell what is real and what is not. My own brain became befuddled being around the insanity. I started to doubt my own perception.

Thank you, Phoenix.

LeeJane: yes it can all make you doubt your own instincts and perception. That's what had happened to me also. Made me question myself constantly, wonder what I was doing and saying wrong, beating myself up, never feeling good enough.
Glad you're here.

Thank you, it is a comfort to hear that. I never felt good enough either.