I feel nauseous
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
I feel nauseous
The past two days have been waves of hell. I don't know how to deal with a breakup with this guy. I blocked him, have been doing things, but not necessarily distracting myself to a fault. I let me feelings happen, but they are unbearable. I am super confident in the beginning and then I crumble. I miss him so much, it hurts and everything reminds me of him. I just keep envisioning the life we had planned together and the idea of it. I compare myself to my friend who is happily in a relationship and then compare my xbf to friends' bfs who they are complaining about thinking oh I had a better guy than that, in xyz ways.
I even went to al alanon tn just to hear a speaker and it just made it worse, hearing about how an alanon member's husband went to AA and she was there supporting him form the beginning, he became sober for years and their life was great. I feel like i'm just running away from problems as per usual. I want to be that supportive gf. I guess it doesn't matter because I know he isn't in recovery yet. But if he does, can i be? Or can I be with him if he does? Can i just let go and let God, be more positive for once in my life (not worry about the what ifs incessantly) and trust that it changes? The thought of living my life without him almost 2 months in is heart wrenching. I felt sick at the meeting and haven't cried in a while.
I see myself helping others on this forum and i can't take my own advice half the time. I hate this feeling. None of my friends or family make me happy or make me laugh the way he did (it almost makes up for all the drinking crap) and I'm terrified i won't find that again. I am not happy alone either; i feel so lonely.
I even went to al alanon tn just to hear a speaker and it just made it worse, hearing about how an alanon member's husband went to AA and she was there supporting him form the beginning, he became sober for years and their life was great. I feel like i'm just running away from problems as per usual. I want to be that supportive gf. I guess it doesn't matter because I know he isn't in recovery yet. But if he does, can i be? Or can I be with him if he does? Can i just let go and let God, be more positive for once in my life (not worry about the what ifs incessantly) and trust that it changes? The thought of living my life without him almost 2 months in is heart wrenching. I felt sick at the meeting and haven't cried in a while.
I see myself helping others on this forum and i can't take my own advice half the time. I hate this feeling. None of my friends or family make me happy or make me laugh the way he did (it almost makes up for all the drinking crap) and I'm terrified i won't find that again. I am not happy alone either; i feel so lonely.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're in the midst of a breakup (maybe?), so I wouldn't expect you to be happy alone--yet.
Sure, it's lovely to think you could stand by him and you could both be shining examples of recovery. That's sort of how it worked out with me and my first husband. The thing is, he was ready to get sober and he did.
Is your guy doing a single thing to recover? By your own admission, you miss the IDEA of this future you had planned in your head. Is there ANY indication that future can become reality? If not, you are deluding yourself thinking that if you stick around it will materialize. It won't--you will be buying yourself a whole lot more misery.
You aren't "running away from problems"--you are (I hope) running away from HIS problems, which YOU cannot fix, change, or make go away, and which will make your life as miserable as his--probably worse, because he will have numbed out HIS feelings.
It takes time, and recovery, for you to feel better. Are you doing any actual work in Al-Anon? Or just hitting speaker meetings hoping for inspiration?
Sure, it's lovely to think you could stand by him and you could both be shining examples of recovery. That's sort of how it worked out with me and my first husband. The thing is, he was ready to get sober and he did.
Is your guy doing a single thing to recover? By your own admission, you miss the IDEA of this future you had planned in your head. Is there ANY indication that future can become reality? If not, you are deluding yourself thinking that if you stick around it will materialize. It won't--you will be buying yourself a whole lot more misery.
You aren't "running away from problems"--you are (I hope) running away from HIS problems, which YOU cannot fix, change, or make go away, and which will make your life as miserable as his--probably worse, because he will have numbed out HIS feelings.
It takes time, and recovery, for you to feel better. Are you doing any actual work in Al-Anon? Or just hitting speaker meetings hoping for inspiration?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
It will get better with time. Embrace your feelings, visualize them, (I used to imagine I was hugging my pain) then let go. It is great to be supportive, but with alcoholism, the meaning of supportive is tricky. Because if an alcoholic is not in recovery or refuses recovery, how can you be supportive? What exactly does it mean?
You do need to take your mind of him. Is there anything you could do or anywhere you could go? Meet some good friends, go out, have some fun? Try to avoid being alone, because when you are alone, you start thinking and missing him, and you are still at a very early stage, still very vulnerable. Another thing that helped me was writing letters in my journal that I never sent, just getting those feeling out of the system.
You do need to take your mind of him. Is there anything you could do or anywhere you could go? Meet some good friends, go out, have some fun? Try to avoid being alone, because when you are alone, you start thinking and missing him, and you are still at a very early stage, still very vulnerable. Another thing that helped me was writing letters in my journal that I never sent, just getting those feeling out of the system.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like the loss of a dream of what could have been (but won't be, because of reasons beyond your control such as addiction), so I think it's normal to feel terrible. You're experiencing the loss of the hopes and wishes you associated with your ex, as well as the ex himself. Time will help.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Well, time does help, but as many of us experience, we need our own recovery program as much as the A we have separated from. Time will only get you back to neutral. A recovery program, or a wellness program if you prefer, is what fills in that painful void where our relationship used to be and slowly but surely lifts up to a much better way of life. We can't just eliminate the A and expect fun distractions to have much healing effect. Recovery (or wellness or mindful living) is all about finding more and more and more of ourselves. We lacked something big in ourselves and that is why we looked to an alcoholic in the first place. Now he is gone, which is a positive first step, but the void he leaves is huge and it is real.
Al-Anon is all about learning to live in a fuller, more authentic and satisfying way than we ever did before. Al-Anon is about soul searching and connecting with others, it's not just attending meetings and listening to speakers, it's digging deep within ourselves to find more of us (and for some people, more of the presence of our higher power.) You feel a huge, painful void for a reason: It's the empty places in yourself that you used to ask your ABF to fill. You came to see that nobody, least of all he, can ever fill the space in you where your connection to community, wellness and (if it speaks to you) your spirituality need to be. This time is your opportunity to find the aspects of you that have been missing. These missing pieces of you are the loneliness and pain that you feel. Your impulse is to grasp for him to fill you up, but even if by some miracle he did recover, he can never give you what you truly seek. "Successful" AA and Al-Anon partners are able to make it only because both choose serious, life changing recovery programs. Both of them change, not just the alcoholic.
From your own signature:
Be proud of your broken pieces. They’re the best part of you.
Do you know the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi? It's valuing something (and people) even more for its well worn nature. You have learned a tremendous amount from this relationship. Now is the time to look inward and appreciate the better person you have become for having had this experience. You need support and guidance for this kind of ongoing appreciation - it's not something that you can sustain alone. This is yet one more way that Al-Anon can be there for you.
Al-Anon is all about learning to live in a fuller, more authentic and satisfying way than we ever did before. Al-Anon is about soul searching and connecting with others, it's not just attending meetings and listening to speakers, it's digging deep within ourselves to find more of us (and for some people, more of the presence of our higher power.) You feel a huge, painful void for a reason: It's the empty places in yourself that you used to ask your ABF to fill. You came to see that nobody, least of all he, can ever fill the space in you where your connection to community, wellness and (if it speaks to you) your spirituality need to be. This time is your opportunity to find the aspects of you that have been missing. These missing pieces of you are the loneliness and pain that you feel. Your impulse is to grasp for him to fill you up, but even if by some miracle he did recover, he can never give you what you truly seek. "Successful" AA and Al-Anon partners are able to make it only because both choose serious, life changing recovery programs. Both of them change, not just the alcoholic.
From your own signature:
Be proud of your broken pieces. They’re the best part of you.
Do you know the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi? It's valuing something (and people) even more for its well worn nature. You have learned a tremendous amount from this relationship. Now is the time to look inward and appreciate the better person you have become for having had this experience. You need support and guidance for this kind of ongoing appreciation - it's not something that you can sustain alone. This is yet one more way that Al-Anon can be there for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
Al-Anon is all about learning to live in a fuller, more authentic and satisfying way than we ever did before. Al-Anon is about soul searching and connecting with others, it's not just attending meetings and listening to speakers, it's digging deep within ourselves to find more of us (and for some people, more of the presence of our higher power.) My point is - you feel a huge, painful void for a reason: It's the empty places in yourself that you used to ask your ABF to fill. You came to see that nobody, least of all he, can ever fill the space in you where your connection to community, wellness and (if it speaks to you) your spirituality need to be. This time is your opportunity to find the aspects of you that have been missing. These missing pieces of you are the loneliness and pain that you feel.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
As far as Alanon goes, you would start at the very beginning. Find a meeting or meetings that seem to be a good fit for you. Try a few to see. The one closest to you or at the most convenient time isn't necessarily the best one for you.
Then go regularly. Read Alanon literature--tons of Alanon books are available used on Amazon for very reasonable prices. This will help get you jump-started on how the program works. Helpful hint: The steps are meant to be worked in order, so there's not much point in worrying about Step 4 and how long it will take when you've not even started Step 1 yet.
By the way, you are in no way required to speak at a meeting, so fear of speaking in public isn't a legit reason to not attend. Typically people are seated in a circle, so you don't have to stand at a podium or something like the speakers do at speaker meetings.
It's perfectly fine to just "pass" when the chance to share comes around to you, if that's how you feel. And truthfully, there can be just as much help found in conversations with an individual or two after the meeting while putting away chairs or at a coffee shop before or after the meeting--again, no public speaking involved.
The catch to Alanon is this: I have to do the work. An Alanon saying is "It works if you work it", meaning that the program works as well as the amount of effort that I put into it. If I get out for a run once a week and eat healthy twice a week, how much can I really complain if I don't lose any weight or feel any better? Same with Alanon--popping in to a speaker meeting once in a while or sitting quietly in a group that I attend once a month isn't going to do a lot for me.
I will confess that I never did go the full route and get a sponsor, but I did attend the same particular meetings as regularly as I could, given that I had jobs/schedules that changed often during those years. I read Alanon literature. I signed up to chair a meeting once in a while (awkward, nervous, but not going to kill me, right?). I signed up to be the person who picked a topic and gave the lead-off share. I volunteered once a month at the Alanon office. I shared at meetings if I felt I had something worthwhile to say, and I did my best to be brief and clear in that share. Otherwise I passed. I listened carefully to what was said by others.
The very first night I was alone after XAH moved out, someone I'd never met emailed me and said she was looking for someone to go to a meeting the next day and take a walk afterwards. I accepted.
On two occasions, to my great alarm, newbies called ME off the phone list they'd received and asked if I'd meet them for coffee before the meetings. Holy carpfish! Well, the saying from AA is "suit up and show up", so that's what I did, and I'd like to think I was of some use to these folks...
So what I'm saying here, in my not-so-subtle way, is that you gotta get involved if you want to reap the benefits. Just sitting in a meeting won't put me into recovery any more than sitting in my garage will make me into a car. It's an active program, not a passive "fix-me" thing.
If you give it a try from that angle, you might find you feel very different about it.
Then go regularly. Read Alanon literature--tons of Alanon books are available used on Amazon for very reasonable prices. This will help get you jump-started on how the program works. Helpful hint: The steps are meant to be worked in order, so there's not much point in worrying about Step 4 and how long it will take when you've not even started Step 1 yet.
By the way, you are in no way required to speak at a meeting, so fear of speaking in public isn't a legit reason to not attend. Typically people are seated in a circle, so you don't have to stand at a podium or something like the speakers do at speaker meetings.
It's perfectly fine to just "pass" when the chance to share comes around to you, if that's how you feel. And truthfully, there can be just as much help found in conversations with an individual or two after the meeting while putting away chairs or at a coffee shop before or after the meeting--again, no public speaking involved.
The catch to Alanon is this: I have to do the work. An Alanon saying is "It works if you work it", meaning that the program works as well as the amount of effort that I put into it. If I get out for a run once a week and eat healthy twice a week, how much can I really complain if I don't lose any weight or feel any better? Same with Alanon--popping in to a speaker meeting once in a while or sitting quietly in a group that I attend once a month isn't going to do a lot for me.
I will confess that I never did go the full route and get a sponsor, but I did attend the same particular meetings as regularly as I could, given that I had jobs/schedules that changed often during those years. I read Alanon literature. I signed up to chair a meeting once in a while (awkward, nervous, but not going to kill me, right?). I signed up to be the person who picked a topic and gave the lead-off share. I volunteered once a month at the Alanon office. I shared at meetings if I felt I had something worthwhile to say, and I did my best to be brief and clear in that share. Otherwise I passed. I listened carefully to what was said by others.
The very first night I was alone after XAH moved out, someone I'd never met emailed me and said she was looking for someone to go to a meeting the next day and take a walk afterwards. I accepted.
On two occasions, to my great alarm, newbies called ME off the phone list they'd received and asked if I'd meet them for coffee before the meetings. Holy carpfish! Well, the saying from AA is "suit up and show up", so that's what I did, and I'd like to think I was of some use to these folks...
So what I'm saying here, in my not-so-subtle way, is that you gotta get involved if you want to reap the benefits. Just sitting in a meeting won't put me into recovery any more than sitting in my garage will make me into a car. It's an active program, not a passive "fix-me" thing.
If you give it a try from that angle, you might find you feel very different about it.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Mpie9
I learned that we work the steps of alan on, step 4 being the most work. But besides that, idk really HOW to fill this void.
Honeypig is right that service is a good way to get started and get involved. I signed up to clean up the coffee table in my first month. Anyone can do clean up and it's a good way to informally chat after a meeting. I just committed to being the greeter for the next three months. I'm pretty new, myself, but I figure that anyone can warmly say hello and being that friendly face for others is a great way to get that feel-good feeling for me. There are many opportunities for service in Al-Anon that don't require much other than the willingness to get more involved.
In my area there are meetings every day (within 30 miles of me) and when my emotions overwhelm me, I go - every day. That's where you start - just go and even if you pass while others share, you are fully present and actively listening. I find it helpful to know where and when my next meeting is because I can set my anxiety aside, knowing that the meeting will help me address things. I don't have to solve everything right now in this read hot minute. I have come to prefer one meeting, which is now my "home meeting," but when I need them, the meetings are there every day for me. When starting out, just getting ourselves to a meeting, actively participating (even if not speaking) and doing the reading gives plenty of new, positive thoughts and exposure to people who are good influences and all serve to fill the void in positive ways.
For me, an exercise component is essential to my recovery/wellness. I go to a yoga studio a few times a week. This not only gives me great exercise, but satisfies me spiritually and provides community. I would not feel much from a home yoga practice on my own - to me, getting out and immersing myself in a wellness community has been a life changing endeavor, as well. Some people join running clubs, hiking clubs for similar reasons. Think about what kind of movement lifts your spirits and then look for others who feel the same. When we are in a relationship with an alcoholic, we often let slide our spirituality and our community and our physical health, if we even had them to begin with. Finding and then spending time with others who prioritize these things is another great way to "fill the void" because again, what we're really after is more of ourselves, more connection to our spirituality and to our communities.
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