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Old 06-18-2017, 12:47 PM
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No surprises

This detaching stuff while living in same house is rough. I feel like the longer this continues it is confusing my child more. Appointment with lawyer isn't until two weeks. In the meantime this past weekend we have had our child's preschool
Graduation, summer child care preparation (really just me preparing), and today -- Father's Day. I made a nice Father's Day for him on behalf of our child earlier today but of course while we were at the supermarket a few hours ago, he was out and I found a half empty tall boy of beer behind the toilet. He says he wanted to relax and that he doesn't want to lose me but he is clearly not honest about the extent of his drinking. The man has been hospitalized for DT for pete's sake, and he says it was because he stopped taking his anti-anxiety meds. I know this is not the life for me. I cannot be married to someone I can never trust and who isn't willing to do all he can to get better, address his depression and other issues and acknowledge the huge role alcohol has in his life.

But I mean- why the need to try and hide the booze?? Does he really think I won't be able to tell the difference in his behavior and attitude?
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Old 06-18-2017, 01:00 PM
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Why hide the booze? Because he is an alcoholic in denial. Because he is ashamed. Alcoholica have a keen ability of being unsteady on their feet and swear up and down that they are sober.

Take care and do whatever is best for you and your child
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Old 06-18-2017, 01:05 PM
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I had all kinds of "strategies" to make it look like I wasn't drinking (or wasn't drinking as much as I was). None of them were effective, nor well thought-out.

He knows you don't want him drinking, so he's hiding it. Pretty simple.

You'll be in a better position to start planning after you've talked with the lawyer.

Hugs,
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Old 06-18-2017, 02:06 PM
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a one-time alkie roommate of mine used to hide the empties.....from himself.
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Old 06-18-2017, 02:33 PM
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Welcome, Newlife. I can speak a bit about the other side of that, not in the way of justification but having experienced the madness of it. I tried to hide my drinking... Sometimes I was successful, but at what expense? Finding clever ways to deceive those who wanted to help me? When I look back at it, I feel so ashamed. Hiding a can behind the toilet is totally something I would have done. Defies logic, so I suggest not wasting your time looking for logical reasoning. He needs to come to his own conclusion that he does not want to live that way and is willing to put in as might effort into sobriety as he put into attempts to hide it. It seems like it should be an easy decision but it is not. It took me years and I still struggle. Maybe, hopefully, one day I won't. I follow suggestions, I do what is asked of me, but let me tell you -

A whole lot of humbling comes with that. I too was hospitalized​ for withdrawal and I landed myself in the psych ward. I was walking around bragging about my Masters degree and how I had traveled the world - true statements, but so unlike me to act like some kind of hot shot when I know those nurses were like well here you are. Needless to say I apologized profusely and humbled myself to say well I guess there's no hiding it. I am an alcoholic and I need help.

I really hope your husband finds this path. It is waiting for him when he is ready. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your child. That is truly all you can do. Thank you for sharing this... What a great reminder for me of the effect addiction has on all involved parties. Good luck and keep posting :-)
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Old 06-18-2017, 06:16 PM
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Thank you for your replies and all the best to those of you who decided to get and stay sober. i hoped and hoped he'd get to the point of deciding that enough is enough-- like after he'd lost three jobs in two years, health problems which he refuses to address (high blood pressure, gastritis, dental problems), multiple car accidents, near loss of career, being found on the street passed out in our neighborhood by a stranger, and more. I am the one who gets the brunt of the deceit, lies, and anger. He is aware that I intend to move forward with divorce this summer if he doesn't go back to treatment and into a real recovery program. He insists that I am trying to control him. The last several weeks I have stopped saying anything about treatment and have started to detach. He does not like it and even accused me of acting like a cold fish and like someone who doesn't want his affection -- he always says he wants me to let him come to me -- but doesn't respond when I show him any affection.
That's why I have a hard time understanding this behavior. But you are all correct- it doesn't make sense and there's no point in me worrying about his motives. I guess I just sometimes wonder-- if his decision now is to keep going down this path, why pretend that he isn't drinking and that he's probably drinking all day (even during work)?
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Old 06-18-2017, 10:30 PM
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Regarding hiding it, perhaps he is like me and many other alcoholics who derived a kind of sick high from thinking we were getting away with something... As I said, I almost never was and it just drove my friends and family crazy. I only realized this is retrospect, that for me part of the disease was feeling sneaky and like I was outsmarting people. While he's fully active in the drinking, there's no way for him to see how obvious it is when he's under the influence. I have a good friend who has recently been behaving like this - shows up drunk to random things and acts like nothing is up, and I think my god is this what I was like?! Yup.

It will take a while for your husband to rebuild your trust if and when he gets sober. Facing that monumental task was enough to make me relapse several unfortunate times, but that was part of my journey, as they say. Keep taking care of yourself and stick to your guns if he just can't bring himself to get a plan together. Hope that helped a little :-)
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:05 AM
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I guess I just sometimes wonder-- if his decision now is to keep going down this path, why pretend that he isn't drinking and that he's probably drinking all day (even during work)?
Probably because of this………….

He is aware that I intend to move forward with divorce this summer if he doesn't go back to treatment and into a real recovery program.
Their thinking is so off but I’m sure he’s trying to “act” like he’s NOT drinking because in his reality if he’s not drinking then why the need for rehab?

They will go to great lengths in trying to convince people they are not drinking and do not have a drinking problem. They could be stumbling around unable to stand and slurring their words of “I am not drinking”. It’s the nature of the disease.
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Newlife17 View Post
..... why pretend that he isn't drinking and that he's probably drinking all day (even during work)?
I had a friend that used to visit me every spring & she was a big-time beer drinker. After she quit drinking she told me how she would switch to whatever RAH was drinking when she got here so that she could more easily hide "hers" buying cases at a time. She was also very strategic about her timing- always clearing the table of everyone's empties along with hers so no one could keep count. If she drank more than she "meant" to, she had a method of rotating the bottles so that they looked like more if you just casually glanced at them in the fridge when opening the door & then would make her boyfriend run to the store to replace everything while we were at work during the day.

I was honestly exhausted just hearing her talk about the mental energy she was spending on something SO trivial!! I couldn't BELIEVE the amount of head games she had to/was willing to play to safeguard her addiction.... and of course, I hadn't caught on to any of it because it wasn't even on my radar.
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